moonrvr46
@moonrvr46
5 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 33 · Topics: 9
Please advise- friend's toxic possibly abusive relationship. Virgo Male/Cancer Female
I think you would be wise to mind your own business and stay out of it. No good deed goes unpunished.
I got involved because she reached out to me. Otherwise I would not know any of this.
Posted by moonrvr46
I got involved because she reached out to me. Otherwise I would not know any of this.
What does she want to do? You can’t save her as much as you may want to. Be there for her, help her if she asks.
Tons of red flags with what you shared but it’s also her side only- keep that in mind.
What Clare stated I 2nd- tell her to document.
Sometimes we blind ourselves to abusive tendencies others have when we are in “love”.
Sometimes we blind ourselves to abusive tendencies others have when we are in “love”.
@moonrvr46
WTF!
All of that is a text book abusive relationship. You made it sound like a one off at first. And knead jerk reaction but everything put together is super bad news. Abuse isn't just about the physical kind. That behavior will escalate.
The fact she has been in the relationship this long means she has experienced abuse in her past observationally or personally, so her bar of acceptable behavior is low.
The fact she asked you about it means part of her knows it's wrong but she needs affirmation and looking for support to cross the line.
" no good deed goes unpunished" is bullshit. This quote refers to is there will be consequences to any interference. Cause and effect. The same can be said about saying nothing. Nothing is a action as well.
To those of you who promoted not getting involved, you make me sick. It's that kind of mentality that allows this kind of behavior to continue and be passed on. Children and other vulnerable people tend to absorb and continue this cycle as either abusers themselves or victims.
The cellphone thing is a sign of isolating and trapping her. As he gets more aggressive he will try to undermine and eliminate any opposing influence in her life. I'm not going to speculate why the way he is but the vast majority of the time this is the next step. Locking her in with pregnancy or financially(including living together) is also extremely common.
I will not go too deep with this but people like that know they are ducked up and can't maintain healthy relationships. They are still fellow human beings with needs like companionship, effection, and etc. Trapping tactics are very effective and will do this at some point because it works. Better then gaslighting and other manipulation tactics, especially emotional manipulation( love and attacks on self-esteem/worth). A lot of the time abusers are not even conscious aware of why they are doing it. but they will discover because it works and adapt this pattern of behavior.
To break up with him and do Zero contact. Don't fall for any of his excuses and promises to change. This kind of pattern of behavior is extremely difficult to change, Serious internal work!
The fact she allowed it before means she isn't suited to help him change at all. She can't change him nor can she support him in changing since she herself is a enabler and needs to address that internally as well.
The only thing you need to watch for on your end is her being on the fence and back petailing. It's common for victims to (for lack of a better word) blame their friends for the change of heart instead of owning it and face the difficulty of the break up.
Tell her this will not magically stop or he will get better. It can get a lot worse. It's worth it long term to bit the bullet and end it now.
WTF!
All of that is a text book abusive relationship. You made it sound like a one off at first. And knead jerk reaction but everything put together is super bad news. Abuse isn't just about the physical kind. That behavior will escalate.
The fact she has been in the relationship this long means she has experienced abuse in her past observationally or personally, so her bar of acceptable behavior is low.
The fact she asked you about it means part of her knows it's wrong but she needs affirmation and looking for support to cross the line.
" no good deed goes unpunished" is bullshit. This quote refers to is there will be consequences to any interference. Cause and effect. The same can be said about saying nothing. Nothing is a action as well.
To those of you who promoted not getting involved, you make me sick. It's that kind of mentality that allows this kind of behavior to continue and be passed on. Children and other vulnerable people tend to absorb and continue this cycle as either abusers themselves or victims.
The cellphone thing is a sign of isolating and trapping her. As he gets more aggressive he will try to undermine and eliminate any opposing influence in her life. I'm not going to speculate why the way he is but the vast majority of the time this is the next step. Locking her in with pregnancy or financially(including living together) is also extremely common.
I will not go too deep with this but people like that know they are ducked up and can't maintain healthy relationships. They are still fellow human beings with needs like companionship, effection, and etc. Trapping tactics are very effective and will do this at some point because it works. Better then gaslighting and other manipulation tactics, especially emotional manipulation( love and attacks on self-esteem/worth). A lot of the time abusers are not even conscious aware of why they are doing it. but they will discover because it works and adapt this pattern of behavior.
To break up with him and do Zero contact. Don't fall for any of his excuses and promises to change. This kind of pattern of behavior is extremely difficult to change, Serious internal work!
The fact she allowed it before means she isn't suited to help him change at all. She can't change him nor can she support him in changing since she herself is a enabler and needs to address that internally as well.
The only thing you need to watch for on your end is her being on the fence and back petailing. It's common for victims to (for lack of a better word) blame their friends for the change of heart instead of owning it and face the difficulty of the break up.
Tell her this will not magically stop or he will get better. It can get a lot worse. It's worth it long term to bit the bullet and end it now.
Posted by jammyjamPosted by Lostthoughts
@moonrvr46
WTF!
All of that is a text book abusive relationship. You made it sound like a one off at first. And knead jerk reaction but everything put together is super bad news. Abuse isn't just about the physical kind. That behavior will escalate.
The fact she has been in the relationship this long means she has experienced abuse in her past observationally or personally, so her bar of acceptable behavior is low.
The fact she asked you about it means part of her knows it's wrong but she needs affirmation and looking for support to cross the line.
" no good deed goes unpunished" is bullshit. This quote refers to is there will be consequences to any interference. Cause and effect. The same can be said about saying nothing. Nothing is a action as well.
To those of you who promoted not getting involved, you make me sick. It's that kind of mentality that allows this kind of behavior to continue and be passed on. Children and other vulnerable people tend to absorb and continue this cycle as either abusers themselves or victims.
The cellphone thing is a sign of isolating and trapping her. As he gets more aggressive he will try to undermine and eliminate any opposing influence in her life. I'm not going to speculate why the way he is but the vast majority of the time this is the next step. Locking her in with pregnancy or financially(including living together) is also extremely common.
I will not go too deep with this but people like that know they are ducked up and can't maintain healthy relationships. They are still fellow human beings with needs like companionship, effection, and etc. Trapping tactics are very effective and will do this at some point because it works. Better then gaslighting and other manipulation tactics, especially emotional manipulation( love and attacks on self-esteem/worth). A lot of the time abusers are not even conscious aware of why they are doing it. but they will discover because it works and adapt this pattern of behavior.
To break up with him and do Zero contact. Don't fall for any of his excuses and promises to change. This kind of pattern of behavior is extremely difficult to change, Serious internal work!
The fact she allowed it before means she isn't suited to help him change at all. She can't change him nor can she support him in changing since she herself is a enabler and needs to address that internally as well.
The only thing you need to watch for on your end is her being on the fence and back petailing. It's common for victims to (for lack of a better word) blame their friends for the change of heart instead of owning it and face the difficulty of the break up.
Tell her this will not magically stop or he will get better. It can get a lot worse. It's worth it long term to bit the bullet and end it now.
yeah, this thread came up on the bottom of my home page and at first I thought it was click bait because its so long I'm not gonna lie but then I read the story and my insides were getting all twisted up, i didn't mean to attack the dude but when you read it it is like he's an evil souless person!click to expand
The ugly truth is we are all capable of this under the right conditions. No one is Born this way BUT this does not exempt them from personal responsibility for their actions. At some point you are choosing to be this way when you either become aware of the problem or refuse to change your behavior despite the effects it has on you and others.
If she's coming to you for advice that means innately she knows the way he's treating her is not ok. And she is looking for validation from an outside perspective. Tell her straight up that this is not normal, troubling, low key abusive behavior from him and she deserves so much more.
Don't pressure her to leave him. Just offer support and build up her self esteem.
Reach out frequently to check in on her.
He will try and cut her off from friends and family and have her relying solely on him. Abusers and cults have that in common.
Don't pressure her to leave him. Just offer support and build up her self esteem.
Reach out frequently to check in on her.
He will try and cut her off from friends and family and have her relying solely on him. Abusers and cults have that in common.
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So - he hasn't repeated the physical behavior after apologizing, but after speaking with her further, it appears he often takes her phone away when he doesn't want her to walk out on him or leave or they are fighting (she got so mad she booked a hotel once and left and since then it's been this way). Or he will accuse her of flirting/talking w/guys at bars (pre COVID).
Apparently once they went out with friends to a bar, and while waiting for a dart board to open up, she went to the bar to get a drink and started talking to some people (couples, guys, girls, not just guys) while waiting for her drink, and he came over and berated her in front telling her she needs to be right next to him and that he took her here specifically so she can meet and spend time with his friends - ....wth—?
He doesn't always tell her what to do but he's very critical and tells her that all her guy friends are friends w/her because they want to sleep with her.
They do have good times it seems but those do not seem worth it at all to me!!!
So I spoke w/her this morning:
I told her no matter what she decides, I will be here as her friend.
I explained my concerns about the relationship overall, but most definitely after she told me about the pushing and taking phone away multiple times on difference occasions, that the behavior was alarming and disrespectful in any situation. We are in our 30s....that is unacceptable. It's also disrespectful.
I explained that I don't like his constant criticism towards many things she does (she can't drive so he always has to drive; she can't cook so he has to; that he tells her some of her guy friends just want to sleep w/her). She said it's because he's an old soul and old-fashioned. *sigh* That he doesn't stop her from hanging out with her guy friends, he is not jealous nor possessive of her. I told her that it's not normal for him to make snide comments about how she wants to sleep with them or they and other stranger guys want to sleep with her (admittedly she is very pretty, even girls make comments that she is pretty often). She said he's joking.
I told her that the push itself concerns me. I know he apologized several times and appears to be remorseful, but how can he do that? She's like around 5'2 and he's 6'' at least...she could have gotten hurt if there was a wall, table, anything other than a couch. That was pure luck! If it happened once, it could happen again. Not saying it will, but it could and shows a dark side of his personality. She said they have been together a few years and this is the 1st time it happened. That he is prior military (Marine for nearly 8 years) and she got too close to him and he reacted because of that. **sigh**
I told her I don't like that he has publicly yelled at her. She said it was one time only.
I told her there is a male chauvinist vibe to me that makes me fear that this behavior will eventually result in him over time perhaps becoming possessive/jealous/controlling (he already shows signs of this)...again, old fashioned is the excuse.
I learned that his father was abusive to his mom, and neglectful his brother growing up...that he never in a day got therapy for this. So I told her perhaps he needs to get therapy so he doesn't follow in his footsteps? She said he's very close to his mom so he won't end up like that.
I told her I don't like that he jokes about replacing her birth control with sugar pills and that he tells her they will be married w/in months....none of that is funny to me. The BC thing is not funny one bit; the marriage thing again seems like control...they both should decide this together (not that I think they need to marry!)
I am so frustrated right now this is all I recall...I'm admittedly angry. I didn't show her that though. I told her I will be here as she needs. Nothing will change but at least I tried and will. Thanks for letting me go on and on.
He: Virgo.
She: Cancer.
Thoughts?