Cap men and the kiddos

Cap boyfriend recently met my young adult kids on two separate occassions. We've been together for three months. He has no children. Last night over the phone he proceeded to give me his opinion of my kids and tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing with them. He said they have no respect for me and I need to make them grow up. I was shocked and hurt as well. He does not know the dynamics of my and my kids' relationship. He hasn't spent that much time with them to even get to know them, so his opinion is based on surface impressions.

I tried to remain calm and logical and talk with him. He grew more and more angry when I stated my opinion and facts. He continually talked over me, so there's no way he was listening to what I was trying to say to him. Then he hung up on me. Occasionally, the cell phones will drop the call so I called him and asked if he hung up on me. He said he most certainly did. I said ok and hung up. He called back, more arguing, hung up again. He called back again. I told him if he hangs up again to not call or text me again. More arguing, him talking over me, I yelled at him because he wouldn't shut up long enough to hear me out, he hung up.....then texted "good night".

The main topic for him was my son. He was picking him apart, but doesn't know him. Son is 21, recently graduated college, works full time, lives in my house and pays rent along with his own bills. Son and I were joking about cleaning the garage. Son said he wasn't going to do it. I told him he was. This went back and forth. I know my son, this is the type of banter we do. He will clean the garage. But Cap bf thinks I should have jumped in his ass and made him do it right then and son shouldn't have talked back to me. It really wasn't that serious.

Is this a Cap man thing or an Alpha male thing? Little of both? Son is an Aries/Taurus cusp.

Welcome to Earth signs. He meant nothing by it. Consider it as 'my observations on a running topic of discussion' kind of thing.

If you fail to follow through on his recommendations he probably won't be offended.

So dude dates you for 3 months and thinks he knows more about your son than you do, in 21 years you've lived with him.

Sounds..legit. Also, controlling.

Posted by Lucciferi
Your son is completely irrelevant. He's more successful than me at 21 Lol. The cap seems to just be being an asshole. Maybe his parents were hard on him and that's how he thinks parenting should be done. Lmao "forgive him for his ignorance."

I've been doing this patenting thing for 21 years....he has no kids. How would he think it's his place to tell me what I should/n't do with my kids. His evaluation of then was so off I was laughing. My friends constantly commend me on how responsible my son is. AND Cap still lives on the family farm with mommy and daddy right next door.

Yes, my kids should be irrelevant. This relationship should be about he and I being there for each other and supporting the other (not financial support).

Posted by miamivirgo
Welcome to Earth signs. He meant nothing by it. Consider it as 'my observations on a running topic of discussion' kind of thing.

If you fail to follow through on his recommendations he probably won't be offended.

He was being very opinionated and got angry when I tried to explain how I do things with my kids. In his eyes I am doing it wrong. I know I'm not. He would not listen or even consider what I was saying. When I'm at his house I don't dictate what goes on over there.

Posted by Lucciferi
Then state that to him directly but without a tone.

I did TRY to state that. He would not hear me out, just kept talking over me. I tried to remain calm but his arrogance and "mr knowitall" attitude pissed me off after a while. I am very logical. I will listen. I can take constructive criticism. I feel like I was being bashed.

Posted by Damnata
So dude dates you for 3 months and thinks he knows more about your son than you do, in 21 years you've lived with him.

Sounds..legit. Also, controlling.

Controlling...that worries me. A misunderstanding is one thing. Talk about it, fix it. Demanding that I do things your way....nah, don't work with me.

Posted by Lucciferi
Did you tell him you felt attacked?

I did. He said he was just being realistic. He doesn't know enough to be in reality of the situation.

Posted by Lucciferi
Did you tell him you felt attacked?

To be fair, when he continued to bash my parenting skills, I started pointing out some of his flaws. I know this was wrong. Then he got really pissed and said I wasn't going to talk to him that way. I wasn't going to twist things into being his fault.....which was not my intent.

MissLibra you can do better. I'm not sure if this guy is someone whose come along after a dry spell but you can do better.

Red flags--
Negative opinion about how you choose to raise your kids which is a negative reflection upon your kids as well.
Hanging the phone up in your face which is rude and immature behavior.
Not listening, talking over you and If he won't listen then there is no way to maintain a connection with him and if it's this bad at 3 months I can only imagine the kind of threads you'll be posting in 9 months.

Don't blame yourself. Your intentions was for him to meet your kids and not to receive a tirade of negatives about your parenting skills/kids.

The error on your part was introducing your kids to soon and on top of that introducing your kids to a douche bag.

But the one positive thing you can take from this is he revealed his TRUE COLORS and if you ignore what's been revealed it would be a grave mistake on your part.

To the left to the left...Run

I want to know if he calls back and apologizes, clearly stating that he shouldn't have done that, please.


Thanks. 🙂

I agree with Tiki.

My take on it is he saw what he viewed as your son disrespecting you. He sees you as his woman and no man, family or not is going to disrespect his woman. He knew better than to intervene at the moment, but he wasn't shy letting you know this later. Then it upset him that you didn't seem to think it was a big deal.

However, he should let you deal with your kids the way you see fit. Aqua sees my son mouth off occasionally, yet he won't say anything. Even if I bring it up, he will just say, "yeah, I noticed that" but he doesn't tell me what I should do. If I want his advice, I have to pry it out of him and he does so reluctantly. This is the way it should be.

You said the capricorn doesn't have kids of his own? Well, that right there has a lot to do with it. He doesn't understand what it's like to raise kids and what it takes and how you have to pick your battles with them sometimes, especially grown kids.

But, yes, I agree with Tiki, if he's doing this at only three months, he's going to get worse when he's even more comfortable with your relationship.

Step back and take a good look at things. Start observing behavior and make sure this is actually someone you want to align yourself with.

LoL...he doesn't deserve a 2nd chance.

My mothers ex Cap was very opinionated when it came to us and how we were raised. Yep, came in the door with his opinions....it's why we clashed.

It's how some of them are, and since your son is older he'll have a lot more to say.

In all honesty, one way to win over a Cap male is through how you parent. EVERYTHING is a reflection of you in their minds, and in his mind if your son is being what he considers disrespectful then its a reflection of how you are with rules and boundaries IN HIS MIND.

Id say move on from this. Yes, it is premature judgement and his temper suggests things as well. Very controlling and he will not get any better because not only is he judging your son but you as well.

I agree that his comments were out of line, IF, IF, they were unsolicited. If he was asked his opinion, fair game.

I didn't read in the OP, where he was asked his opinion, so I have to assume that he just interjected him opinion without being asked, in which case, yeas he was being an ass and out of line.

But, to cut him loose over this? No second chance?

Tough crowd, ladies!

No offense to your taste in men, MissLibra, but the dude sounds like an idiot.

Posted by capinc
I'm more bothered that you asked your adult son that pays rent and his own bills to clean your garage.

Nothing wrong with that. He lives there too. Needs to help out with the chores.

Posted by truecap

Posted by capinc
I'm more bothered that you asked your adult son that pays rent and his own bills to clean your garage.

Nothing wrong with that. He lives there too. Needs to help out with the chores.

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Damn straight.

How many things does mom do that she doesn't get paid for hmm?

Posted by Montgomery
I want to know if he calls back and apologizes, clearly stating that he shouldn't have done that, please.


Thanks. 🙂

I'll let you know.

Posted by capinc
I'm really starting to get tired of this traditional Capricorn way of thinking.

Wake up it's 2014 get with the times people! There's punks and cocksuckers on every corner and you're going to get fucked sooner or later!

they're still stuck in Prince's 1999.

Posted by CluelessCancer

Posted by truecap

Posted by capinc
I'm more bothered that you asked your adult son that pays rent and his own bills to clean your garage.

Nothing wrong with that. He lives there too. Needs to help out with the chores.

This is the logic of a person who doesn't have children and is anti communal. Reeks of selfishness.

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Well my personal input in this is, ridiculous!! You ask your son to pay for rent??

sorry but, that's your child. He can help out with other things such as buying food, (if he has a job ect) and paying his own personal bills. But you're the parents, you are their support,their rock and everything. But hey, we're all different types of parents I guess. None of our business what we, as parents choose to raise our kids and when they're adults they come back to live with you temporarily. if he wanted to pay rent, he'd certainly rather move out and live on his own than be with parents who have rules in the house. At least when he pays rent he has his own rules and doesn't have to be under parent's thumbs anymore.

Posted by tiki33
MissLibra you can do better. I'm not sure if this guy is someone whose come along after a dry spell but you can do better.

Red flags--
Negative opinion about how you choose to raise your kids which is a negative reflection upon your kids as well.
Hanging the phone up in your face which is rude and immature behavior.
Not listening, talking over you and If he won't listen then there is no way to maintain a connection with him and if it's this bad at 3 months I can only imagine the kind of threads you'll be posting in 9 months.

Don't blame yourself. Your intentions was for him to meet your kids and not to receive a tirade of negatives about your parenting skills/kids.

The error on your part was introducing your kids to soon and on top of that introducing your kids to a douche bag.

But the one positive thing you can take from this is he revealed his TRUE COLORS and if you ignore what's been revealed it would be a grave mistake on your part.

To the left to the left...Run

You are always spot on!

Posted by CluelessCancer
Please she's doing him a favor and he's doing her a favor. It's called being a FAMILY. Rent out in the city is much higher generally. I bet she doesn't charge him as much as he would pay outside. Also that's what families do.

you guys really don't understand how immigrants get ahead in life do you? This American nonsensical stuff is just that. Nonsensical. I got my RIGHTS. I'm independent.

bleh

yeah it is different with everyone, and where they live, culture, ect. I'm just not used to seeing this kind of thing, that's all.

Yep he can move out on his own if he doesn't want to pay rent or do chores. Good parenting is raising your kids to be independent and productive citizens of the community. Grown kids need to be one there own. Circumstances vary, sometimes they need the crutch, but if you did your job properly as a parent they will want to be self sufficient.

That is not directed to the OP, but to a general conservation.

For what its worth, I think the OP is doing the right thing with her son.

I just don't get the whole paying rent to your parent kinda thing. It must be a cultural thing..

Posted by Lib911
I just don't get the whole paying rent to your parent kinda thing. It must be a cultural thing..

It teaches responsibility.

*hands capinc a glass of wine*

Posted by truecap

Posted by Lib911
I just don't get the whole paying rent to your parent kinda thing. It must be a cultural thing..

It teaches responsibility.

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It is American way of teaching responsibility. You will not see it anywhere else in the world. Since I am not born and raised in US, I may never understand it

Posted by CluelessCancer

Posted by Lib911
I just don't get the whole paying rent to your parent kinda thing. It must be a cultural thing..

So you never heard of people buying homes with their parents? If you buy your parents a home-you're the best child ever. The whole community talks about you. You're on another level.

I mean i know people who live at home for free, but that's ridiculous. Either get out or pay rent. You can't just be up in someone's house, eating their food, using their heat/water and not paying....

that's irresponsible and mad.

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we (my husband and I) said that if we won the lottery we'd buy our parents a bigger home, ect.
they already have their own homes, but of course, the bigger the better. As everything, you upgrade.

I can see where it's NEEDED if the parents don't have enough money to feed and house their adult kids. BUT if the parents have ALOT of money, it's kind of "stealing" from their children. I mean, honestly, in my eyes, if they become adults, they don't need to live with the parents anymore. That's why you have independence from your parents. the only time they need to come back to live with parents if there is hardship going on. Economic hardships, and such. When i say that some parents have alot of money, what are they gonna do with their children's money if they have 50x more than what the poor child makes?? It's highway robbery. Unless of course, you put that money aside for their future.

so yeah i'm seeing it from an economic pov here.

Posted by GenethliacLover66

Posted by truecap

Posted by Lib911
I just don't get the whole paying rent to your parent kinda thing. It must be a cultural thing..

It teaches responsibility.

Actually, it kind of just makes the child feel like they have no one in the world at a time when they really need their parents support. The dude already has a massive amount of responsibility for his age.

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I agree with this

Even just $ 10 a month teaches responsibility.

Posted by GenethliacLover66

Posted by truecap

Posted by Lib911
I just don't get the whole paying rent to your parent kinda thing. It must be a cultural thing..

It teaches responsibility.

Actually, it kind of just makes the child feel like they have no one in the world at a time when they really need their parents support. The dude already has a massive amount of responsibility for his age.

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seriously, they NEED their parents support when things get rough south.

Its natural to prepare your grown children to be on their own. Its done in nature. Watch a birds nest. They teach their babies to hunt and be self sufficient, then the babies leave the nest. You dont see more than two adult birds tending to a nest do you?

Kids are spoiled these days. I see grown 20 somethings living with their parents rent free and going to the bar, spending at the mall, weekend trips with their friends, etc. Ridiculous.

of course you dont charge them more than they can afford. Sometimes $ 10 is all they can afford.

I agree with clueless on this issue but I do understand there are cultural variables that play a huge part in this as well.

Lib are you American descent? Italian descent? Indian descent? I'm just curious as to why you don't understand. Nothings free.

Although my mom would allow me to live with her for free and actually I lived with her for free when I was in a University I'd never take advantage of her kindness by living with her for free, I didn't go to College for that.

No one else on this planet would take me in for free so I wouldn't expect my mom to do it and if she did I'd make sure I did everything in my power to show my appreciation.

Posted by Lucciferi
Holy shit, people are arguing more about this woman's parenting than talking about what to do about the cap.

she got advice and insight on the cap.

I'll try to answer everyone's questions collectively. I have a very decent job. I do not need my son to pay rent to help with my bills. We live in a very rural area, in the country. There is not much available for rent out here. He earned a degree in instrumentation technology and electrician. He went to college full time and worked nights full time while in college. He received a scholarship but still had to pay for books and some fees. What he could not pay, I paid. Currently, he is working at the same company he worked for while he was in college. That company worked him around his college schedule and was very supportive of him obtaining his education. He graduated with honors. He's making "ok" wages but not enough to pay his bills and be saddled with rent and utilities. He's got numerous applications submitted with companies where he can utilize his degrees. (Crossing fingers) The rent he pays is minimal and doesn't even cover the cost of what he eats...lol. He takes care of the yard work and helps with the animals. The garage contains a bunch of truck stuff, tires, 4 wheeler parts, tools, etc...mostly his stuff. He only started paying rent after he graduated college.

I also have a daughter in college. She also works full time. She received a partial scholarship so her college expense is higher.

Both of them have and pay for their own vehicles, insurance and cell phones. Their father has had no contact for about 13 years.

I want my kids to graduate college, hoping it helps their future. They are very responsible and we work like a team. Everyone has their chores. We live in the country, raise hogs and plant gardens. We are not perfect but we do take care of our little family.

As far as Cap...he is my brother's friend. We dated for three months before he met my kids. He treated me really well, until this weekend. He has always been a bit brash but I could deal with most of it. Just accepted that was how he was. I NEVER expected him to say the things he said about my kids, especially my son. That's why I questioned whether it was a Cap trait or Alpha male issue. He lives on his family's farm right next to his mom and dad...has never left home, no college, but owns his own business. Seven years younger than me, never been married, no kids. I feel that his assessment of my kids and my parenting was extremely presumptuous since he doesn't have kids and hasn't spent that much time with mine.

My son is an Aries/Taurus cusp. Someone asked w

My son is an Aries/Taurus cusp. Someone asked who would win if he and Cap got into a fight. Cap is bigger but my son is mean as hell when he's provoked. I've never seen him lose a fight.

Posted by CluelessCancer

Posted by Lib911

Posted by truecap

Posted by Lib911
I just don't get the whole paying rent to your parent kinda thing. It must be a cultural thing..

It teaches responsibility.

It is American way of teaching responsibility. You will not see it anywhere else in the world. Since I am not born and raised in US, I may never understand it

Where do you live in LA LA land. I feel like kids in America are way too spoiled.

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I agree with you, but not for reasons mentioned above

MissLibra IMHO is parenting fine so one of the issues outside of dumping him is deciding if she's going to include this Cap in her family dynamic or keeping him separate at least until both her kids move up and out on their own since Cap man/boy can't handle how she parents but I have a gut feeling she'll be the one being bossed around and controlled eventually (his attempts to boss and control will spill over onto her) if he can't take out his frustrations.

If you stay with this guy tell him your kids are OFF LIMITS, keep his mouth shut when it comes to your parenting skills unless asked for his opinion. 2 stable educated children is more than a lot of parents have accomplished and please don't subject your children to this fools tirades, kids deserve better and they want better for you.

I can't say for sure this is a Cap/Alpha male thing more than it is a jealous inexperienced territorial insecure male thing.

Once again, I agree with Tiki.

MissLibra, you're doing an awesome job raising your kids. You should be very proud of them, and yourself as well.

The cap needs to stay out of it and since he has no kids of his own, his ideas are just his idealism of how it should be done. In no way, has he any experience, so yes, he should keep his mouth shut.

Cap and Aries clash. It's a battle for control and power and they both think they are always right. They will probably come to respect each other, but there's always going to be clashes. I love Aries people, but it is hard for me to live with them. My father and my son are both Aries and though I love them both and see their positive sides, we are both strong in our ideas and the way things should be done. They are going to have to learn to see the positive side of each other and you can help them do this. Don't ever complain about one to the other because it will fuel the fire and cause them to resent each other. You're most likely going to have to play the role of mediator, be the calming presence and the positive link. That's what my sag mom does with my dad and me and my cap daughter does for my son and me (and I do that for her as well).

How do your daughter and the cap get along? Do they have issues as well? Or is it just your son and the cap that have issues?

Posted by CluelessCancer
Lisa, well i'm coming from an immigrants point of view. We came here on a plane with nothing but our clothes on our back and our shoes. WE HAVE NOTHING.

You feel me. Life is totally different from this perspective. Of course some were smart enough to get educated and now can afford to take care of financial needs of their children...others tho are the lowly janitors in your hospitals, the parking lot attendants...

really its a miracle people buy homes and own them, most work like 3 jobs just to afford them...always working...crazy tho they pay off that sheet in like 15 years..the smart one's.

My relative works all the time ...he makes maybe about 18 $ -20 in both jobs (Which is good paying, because in this expensive city many are making less)-this guy paid off his house in 5 years and has homes in Africa.

So when children see their parents working so hard, if they're GOOD KIDS, want to pick up and help out....

Thanks for explaining, CC. this thread is really good insight & perspective from others.

Posted by truecap
How do your daughter and the cap get along? Do they have issues as well? Or is it just your son and the cap that have issues?

None of us even realized there was an issue until Cap dumped his opinions on me. He never said anything negative to my kids. He waited until he was back at his home to call me and give me his opinions of my kids and parenting.

My daughter is an Aquarius/Pisces cusp. She remains detached. It takes her a while to develop attachments to people, but if she doesn't like you she will not interact with you at all. All she said to me about him is "he seems cool". He also had plenty to say about her but it wasn't as explosive as it was regarding my son. We are Caucasian. My daughters boyfriend is not. Cap said my daughter is too beautiful to be dating a "ni----". I did not raise my kids to be prejudiced against anyone. Cap throws the word around constantly,which grates my nerves. Yes, I've told him it bothers me to hear it constantly. As long as my girl is happy and her bf is treating her well, I don't care if he's purple with spots.

Posted by tiki33
MissLibra IMHO is parenting fine so one of the issues outside of dumping him is deciding if she's going to include this Cap in her family dynamic or keeping him separate at least until both her kids move up and out on their own since Cap man/boy can't handle how she parents but I have a gut feeling she'll be the one being bossed around and controlled eventually (his attempts to boss and control will spill over onto her) if he can't take out his frustrations.

If you stay with this guy tell him your kids are OFF LIMITS, keep his mouth shut when it comes to your parenting skills unless asked for his opinion. 2 stable educated children is more than a lot of parents have accomplished and please don't subject your children to this fools tirades, kids deserve better and they want better for you.

I can't say for sure this is a Cap/Alpha male thing more than it is a jealous inexperienced territorial insecure male thing.

I am thinking he's set in his ways and would not bend or open his mind. That's fine. He's never been married and this type of behavior may well be the reason why. I don't like being bossed or controlled, so that would just be more friction. I'll just move on from this one. Happy he only took up three months of my time.

Thank you for your words. I do appreciate it.

Posted by ElusiveSoul
MissLibra, being an Aqua/Pisces cusp myself, I had no intentions budding into the conversation as I deemed such not to be my place. However, your last statement pulled on a chord within me that I simply cannot disregard.

To put it in simple terms I shall quote pervious poster...

No offense to your taste in men, MissLibra, but the dude sounds like an idiot.

Yeah, I'm kinda kicking myself for this one. Gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince...lol. I'm really using this as a lesson to learn from. My dating life has really sucked the last couple of years. Hopefully when Venus gets out of this retrograde it will get better.

Posted by MissLibra

Posted by Lucciferi
Then state that to him directly but without a tone.

I did TRY to state that. He would not hear me out, just kept talking over me. I tried to remain calm but his arrogance and "mr knowitall" attitude pissed me off after a while. I am very logical. I will listen. I can take constructive criticism. I feel like I was being bashed.

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Ah, sounds like the old "It's not that I'm not hearing you, I'm just right" running through his mind. We Caps are observers (but in many ways blind to our own problems) so we try to give advice in as clear a manner as possible. Make it clear to him that he needs to come to a compromise. Perhaps just ask him to withhold judgment until having met with them more. He'll warm up.

Do you live in the south?

I'm just wondering if this cap has never had a friend of another race and is just ignorant.

Not that being in the south would excuse it, but a lot of people here have redneck mentalities.