Cap Men - out of control in love

I have been dating a Cap male for the past 8 months. He is 50 with two adult children and I am 40 with two minor children (7 and 9 — that he has not met). I was friends with my guy for 10 years, we lost contact and met again shortly after I filed for divorce and started dating. Very early into our dating relationship he starting moving things to the next level. I was pretty much — lets just wait and see what happens. I was just getting out of a marriage and while getting remarried is on my agenda, it's not immediate. We have spent the entire summer together — traveling out of the country and to other states. BBQ??s, etc??_. The majority of our free time has been spent together. No doubt we are in love with each other.

He has been going back and forth on —to raise kids again or not??. A few weeks ago he made an announcement that he's decided he doesn't want to raise children (with me or anyone else) and that we should continue to see each other and keep things as is. He was pretty cold about it. No emotion. I didn't think this would work for me so I said no. We both exchanged some very harsh words with each other and then he suggested that we be friends. I said yes, just because, but it's a little to early for me to be friends with someone who I thought would be a long term partner.

He has called me every few days. I haven't returned his calls. Strange but to me it seems like he's acting out of fear. He has dated other women with children, and obviously mine were not a secret. His decision came as he realized my divorce was being final. Now he will tell anyone he has deep affection for me, he loves me, and see's no reason why we can't keep going how we were but certainly that we can be friends since this is how we started. He just seems cold. Either he was never in love with me like he said or he's just that non emotional. Thoughts?

Go no contact for 30 days, begin to move on and heal, and you'll find out whether he is spooked or it's a permanent dealbreaker

Any attempt to speak to him will result in you being hurt.

The friends thing is a crumb, don't take it.

If he wants back in after 30 days, he's going to have to work at it

He dumped you, his own value choice says that you are not valuable enough to him for him to want to merge the families, let him understand what he's lost, and let yourself understand that you ARE valuable enough for someone else to want to do that.

Posted by engine1
I have been dating a Cap male for the past 8 months. He is 50 with two adult children and I am 40 with two minor children (7 and 9 — that he has not met). I was friends with my guy for 10 years, we lost contact and met again shortly after I filed for divorce and started dating. Very early into our dating relationship he starting moving things to the next level. I was pretty much — lets just wait and see what happens. I was just getting out of a marriage and while getting remarried is on my agenda, it's not immediate. We have spent the entire summer together — traveling out of the country and to other states. BBQ??s, etc??_. The majority of our free time has been spent together. No doubt we are in love with each other.

He has been going back and forth on —to raise kids again or not??. A few weeks ago he made an announcement that he's decided he doesn't want to raise children (with me or anyone else) and that we should continue to see each other and keep things as is. He was pretty cold about it. No emotion. I didn't think this would work for me so I said no. We both exchanged some very harsh words with each other and then he suggested that we be friends. I said yes, just because, but it's a little to early for me to be friends with someone who I thought would be a long term partner.

He has called me every few days. I haven't returned his calls. Strange but to me it seems like he's acting out of fear. He has dated other women with children, and obviously mine were not a secret. His decision came as he realized my divorce was being final. Now he will tell anyone he has deep affection for me, he loves me, and see's no reason why we can't keep going how we were but certainly that we can be friends since this is how we started. He just seems cold. Either he was never in love with me like he said or he's just that non emotional. Thoughts?

caps can go cold just like that. it doesn't mean he didn't love you. it's our way of not getting hurt.

That's awesome advise RichCap! I've been struggling with this decision and you have made it for me. Thank you! I do know my worth BUT I struggle with how quickly do I give up on love?

Point is that you're not giving up on love. If he loves you he'll show you by coming after you at which point you tell him he has to make amends for his bad behaviour to get you back, all the pretty words in the world don't count for anything. It's YOUR decision, you won't be treated that way.

Otherwise you move on and hold your head up high. Someone else will be along soon enough, you know your value.

In the meantime work on yourself, spend some fun time with your kids, try something new, just don't let him dictate your self worth.

I agree with you. I've had some challenging times in my marriage and finally, through therapy and amazing friends and family, got the strength to leave. I've done the work on myself over the past year and a half. It hasn't been easy but I've gotten to a great space and I'm comfortable with who I am and what I want. Having said that, just as I got to this point, my "wish list" man shows up. It's a little scary to ask for what you want and he just shows up. I feel like I was ready for him and I feel like he would of been a great addition to our family. However, if it's not what he wanted - I wouldn't pressure or presuade him. I do think, a piece of him wanted me to do that and I just couldn't. If I have "showed up" and did the work - he too needs to "show up" and do the work.

In addition, I essentially have been a single mother with 2 kids (for 9 years), always longing for my husband to get involved with us. He chose not to so it's been the 3 of for the most part. I love my kids and I am so fortunate to be their mom but I have to admit that I do want to share in the joys of parenting and I do want my kids to have an amazing 2 parent home, and I want a husband who wants to be with us and is proactively engaged with us. I've done the work - I'm ready 🙂

You sound like a great woman

Thank you!

What sign are you engine?

I am a Cancer.

I can understand the not wanting to raise kids again factor. He's raised kids and just doesn't want to do it again. He made the decision that was best for him. It doesn't have anything to do with you, or you kids, it's just the life style he doesn't want. So don't take it personally. I'm sure he does love you, but he made the decision for the life style he wants. Not fair, but there's nothing wrong with it.

My children are almost grown and out of the house. I don't mean this coldly, bit I'm looking forward to living for myself and going and doing as I please without the responsibility of looking after children. I once dated a man with a two year old and quite frankly, I didn't want to go through all the business of activities children get involved in again, or dealing with a crazy babymomma, or having to find a sitter so we could go out, or the illnesses and taking off work to take them to the doctor, or whining, teenage drama and attitude, or disciplining them, etc. It's not that I didn't like the child, but I was ready to be selfish and live my life for me for once.

Gosh, hope that doesn't sound cold or mean, selfish maybe, but it is honest.

So many men my age with small children are just looking for a mother figure for their kids. I don't want to be with a man who wants me as a mother figure for his child. I want to be with a man who wants me for me and doesn't have expectations of me to stand in for their child's mother. I met one man who had a 5 year old and he blatantly told me 'the boy needs a mother figure'. What did I do? Yep. Ran. Ran fast and far away.

Flip the gender. Yes, it's important to think about how a man reacts and treats and cares about your children. Very important. But realize, many men are leery of being forced into filling that role. Your kids have a father, that's his job to be their father. Don't expect the new men in your life to be their father. Make sure they know you want them for them. Hope that makes sense.

And I'm not saying I wouldn't marry a man that has a child. It's just I would want to be the fun stepmom friend instead of the mother.

I completely agree it is his life style choice and I really can appreciate his perspective. One thing I can say is that he is a very involved father and I did tell him my expectations would not be the same, because my kids do have a father. I explained to him that he doesn't have to send them to private school and/ or be the little league coach for example. However, he only knows how to —parent one way?? and said that wouldn't work for him because he would treat my kids as his own and his standards are private school, boys scouts etc??_ We never really talked about it past that because he then made a decision.

I am different because I think love is rare and hard to find and when you do find someone you are compatible with that you make concessions as needed. To me love is worth it. He is of the opposite mind set which he is entitled to as well. I get stuck with determining if I did and said enough? Should I answer his next call? I'm sure after a while the calls will stop but for now, I think their isn't much else for us to talk about.

BUT I will also say I am a very involved parent and anyone that I marry or have a long term relationship with would need to be involved with me. He would need to love my kids. He doesn't have to be the little league coach, or send them to private school but he would need to do the day to day parenting with me because they are such a major part of my life and live with me the majority of the time. I wouldn't know how to have a man live with me but not be involved and actively care for my kids with me. Just as if he had kids I would do the same.

He might reconsider.... May ponder on it and realize something real with you is worth raising kids again.

And I wasn't accusing you of doing that stuff I said. Just offering up that he may think that way.

Posted by truecap
I can understand the not wanting to raise kids again factor. He's raised kids and just doesn't want to do it again. He made the decision that was best for him. It doesn't have anything to do with you, or you kids, it's just the life style he doesn't want. So don't take it personally. I'm sure he does love you, but he made the decision for the life style he wants. Not fair, but there's nothing wrong with it.

My children are almost grown and out of the house. I don't mean this coldly, bit I'm looking forward to living for myself and going and doing as I please without the responsibility of looking after children. I once dated a man with a two year old and quite frankly, I didn't want to go through all the business of activities children get involved in again, or dealing with a crazy babymomma, or having to find a sitter so we could go out, or the illnesses and taking off work to take them to the doctor, or whining, teenage drama and attitude, or disciplining them, etc. It's not that I didn't like the child, but I was ready to be selfish and live my life for me for once.

Gosh, hope that doesn't sound cold or mean, selfish maybe, but it is honest.

So many men my age with small children are just looking for a mother figure for their kids. I don't want to be with a man who wants me as a mother figure for his child. I want to be with a man who wants me for me and doesn't have expectations of me to stand in for their child's mother. I met one man who had a 5 year old and he blatantly told me 'the boy needs a mother figure'. What did I do? Yep. Ran. Ran fast and far away.

Flip the gender. Yes, it's important to think about how a man reacts and treats and cares about your children. Very important. But realize, many men are leery of being forced into filling that role. Your kids have a father, that's his job to be their father. Don't expect the new men in your life to be their father. Make sure they know you want them for them. Hope that makes sense.

our female family members thought that about my sister's choice in marriage to a man who already had a small child from another woman. They thought it would be too much "baggage" for my sister (You have to remember, it's just family who feel this way because they want the best for their loved ones) but my sister doesn't mind, it's like her own little extended little family. She has a menta

plus husband had been involved with a woman (his child's mother) who was a serious drug addict so he has complete control/custody of his child, it's not shared at all. So my sister gets alot of the responsibility too, since his child is so young still; he's not a grown adult.

No, I appreciate your input. It's funny but I've been on a few dates and each man has told me some of the craziest experiences they have had with women and how different I am. Not saying that I don't have issues because I do - but nothing remotely close to what they have experienced. And in my mind every time I hear these stories, I think and the one I really want is worried about raising kids? lol

so i agree with truecap, don't expect your new man to be full time father. Their children have a father already, and since he's not a drug addict/ex-con/in prison ect, then you are lucky and they are lucky they get to have their father half the time. Most guys don't want the "responsibility" of having children that aren't their own.

I guess I agree and dis-agree. If my future husband is in the home with us their are some responsibilities he will have to have with "our" kids. I wouldn't be able to accept a man who thought and/or acted differently. If we are one family we are one family. I wouldn't necessarily say he has to finance them or be the boy scout leader but I would expect him to be a solid role model, I would expect that he join in on our routine and be part of the family. Anything less then that, for me, feels like my ex-husband and I could of stayed married to him and have zero expectations 🙂

I think, finding the balance of what works for everyone is key and requires communication. We can all "parent" and be effective step parents in our own way that is beneficial for everyone involved. Just my thoughts 🙂

The right man for you will have no problem doing all that.

I believe that Truecap! Thanks for the positive words.

Posted by engine1
I guess I agree and dis-agree. If my future husband is in the home with us their are some responsibilities he will have to have with "our" kids. I wouldn't be able to accept a man who thought and/or acted differently. If we are one family we are one family. I wouldn't necessarily say he has to finance them or be the boy scout leader but I would expect him to be a solid role model, I would expect that he join in on our routine and be part of the family. Anything less then that, for me, feels like my ex-husband and I could of stayed married to him and have zero expectations 🙂
I think, finding the balance of what works for everyone is key and requires communication. We can all "parent" and be effective step parents in our own way that is beneficial for everyone involved. Just my thoughts 🙂

lol i like truecap's positivity. She gives "hope". Yeah don't worry, a man who really loves you wouldn't care about taking responsibility with your children.

not to be too corny but like the world needs love, we also need hope and faith 🙂

Posted by engine1
BUT I will also say I am a very involved parent and anyone that I marry or have a long term relationship with would need to be involved with me. He would need to love my kids. He doesn't have to be the little league coach, or send them to private school but he would need to do the day to day parenting with me because they are such a major part of my life and live with me the majority of the time. I wouldn't know how to have a man live with me but not be involved and actively care for my kids with me. Just as if he had kids I would do the same.

That's just who you are and don't change a thing miss cancer. I think being upfront about what your expectations are is such a refreshing change around here.

You can't go wrong this way. Him or not.

Thanks aquapiscescusp! I can only be me 🙂