How to keep a Cappy at arms lengths

My ex FWB (5 years ago) is back in my life after both going through other relationships. I really enjoy spending time with him and his sister on occasion, every 6 weeks or so I go to his for a BBQ or get together with their friends. He invites me out more often but up until recently I haven't had much time for social activities being exhausted with work.

I believe he has lasting intentions with me, when we talk he always says how he should have listened to me 5 years ago when I told him to slow down and find out who he is as a person, as he has gone from one relationship to another, rebounding. He says how he thinks about us back then and told me last night that his ex use to smell him and tell him that she loves his smell and he never understood what she was on about until now, when he was smelling me and saying that he likes the way I smell and it's not a perfume but rather a body smell... He says things like I need someone that can pull me in line, that is their own person and strong. Then, later on he will say how much he admires me being a strong and self assure person. IDK, it all smells fishy to me and my gut says he has designs on us being more....

Problem is, we have recently stepped over the line again and me doing it for purely selfish reasons. I want to remain friends. He and his sister are a lot of fun to be around and I like the time I spend with them. So where to from here? How do I keep him at arms lengths and tell him I don't want a FWB relationship or for us to be anything more than friends?

I stepped over the line for "selfish reasons"

I don't want a FWB, I just want to remain friends only

Does "stepping over the line" means you slept with him, again? If so then why did you do it if it's only friendship that you're after? Friendship would have worked (this time) have you not slept with him. Asking for friendship AFTER would only make him think that you're playing games & he'll in turn play games with you...he'll say friendship is fine then bother you for sex every time he thinks you have "forgotten" about the friendship part. I did that with my ex, slept with him even though I knew I wanted friendship since he couldn't give me the type of relationship I wanted. Guess what happened? He didn't take my requests for friendship seriously. He pretended to agree, then would always try to find ways to get me in bed. I got tired & just decided to forget about a normal friendship with him & cut him off completely.

We're not dealing with the same guy though, so just tell him straight that you don't want an FWB. It's not very difficult lol.

That's exactly what I feared WC....if at the end of the day it means we can't have a friendship then I will be fine with that. He never takes me seriously with the friends thing and always tries with me whenever we are together which is why I very rarely take up his offers of going out.

I was being selfish and used him to get over my own hurdle of moving on... he did say that we are good friends but with most of what he said, I have the feeling he is going slow thinking it will win me around...Of course I could be wrong.

Posted by sweethearts
That's exactly what I feared WC....if at the end of the day it means we can't have a friendship then I will be fine with that. He never takes me seriously with the friends thing and always tries with me whenever we are together which is why I very rarely take up his offers of going out.

I was being selfish and used him to get over my own hurdle of moving on... he did say that we are good friends but with most of what he said, I have the feeling he is going slow thinking it will win me around...Of course I could be wrong.

Then be prepared to shoo him off for the longest of time..it wont work though, believe me. Try the friendship one more time & if he pesters you for more, then just remove him from your life & keep the friendship with the sister if that's even going to work. It's annoying when they do that, I know, but the woman is to blame too. Sometimes we put ourselves in difficult situations on purpose lol. Sex doesn't go hand in hand with friendship, ever. Btw, what's wrong with him? Why don't you want him?

You know I've asked myself that many times, what's wrong with him or me why I can't go further with him because we can talk and I enjoy spending time with him but I guess it comes down to it's just not there...I want the butterflies and this guy has never given me that or made me feel it could be there so I would be just settling and I don't want to settle, I want to be knocked off my feet I think I deserve that!

Yeah sure, never settle for less than what you think you deserve. Does he know this though? That you don't see him that way? He may be turned off too & stop wanting sex once he knows you're not attracted to him...that's if he's not the stalkerish type lol

Posted by BlackCanary

Posted by sweethearts
I stepped over the line for "selfish reasons"

I don't want a FWB, I just want to remain friends only

If you don't want an FWB situation, just don't sleep with him?

I had a FWB relationship with a Virgo for 2 years and it was kind of hard towards the end because, like you, I just wanted to be friends and nothing else. Long story short, I just stopped getting together with him unless it was a group setting and if he asked to hang out more, I just told him I was busy and left. Its as easy as that. You control it, just stop the activity. We don't talk much anymore, but that is to be expected once you leave someone you have been intimate with.

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this.

i dont know how fwb is managable without catching feelings and wanting to get married. I always want to get married to the past 3 ex's (well, honestly, except for the 2nd one, only because he was right after the first marriage and it put a bad taste in my mouth.....) but i always want marriage and commitment right away. I would scare away the commitment phobic men because i am screaming marriage, clinging desperately for a ring and love and weddings.

Posted by sweethearts
You know I've asked myself that many times, what's wrong with him or me why I can't go further with him because we can talk and I enjoy spending time with him but I guess it comes down to it's just not there...I want the butterflies and this guy has never given me that or made me feel it could be there so I would be just settling and I don't want to settle, I want to be knocked off my feet I think I deserve that!

if he didnt give you butterflies, why did you sleep with him?

i guess that's why the ladies here are questioning why cause you dont see the consequences of the actions.

i'm sorry if that came off wrong.

hmmmmm...sweethearts,you are just lonely. It's a sign of lonliness that's all. Alot of people get this way so they "settle"....

Lonliness is an unbearable thing.

yes it is awkward because straight after I just wanted to go...and he wanted to talk and cuddle and go again :/ I stayed and we laughed and chatted some more and then I went home at some ungodly hour. I don't feel bad, I knew what I wanted to achieve and did so and he isn't desparately beating down my door so all is well for now.

And the reason I don't do FWB is that, I probably would catch feelings or start to think I had a place and a say in things. The first time around when we were exploring each other, it was a lonely thing and I was hesitant then because he was rebounding. Then we both met others and called it quits and happily went to explore other avenues. His lasted 4 years and mine not at all. He came looking for me 6 months ago and we have maintain a distant friendship since.

I've never had the chance to have "the talk" I was going to, last time I was here in the Cappy threads asking for advice but I really didn't see him much after that. I kept putting his invites off and things had really cooled down and then I got selfish. It may amount to nothing, maybe he feels that I will come running now like the last time when I happily jumped into a FWB, I mean he is a man and it worked last time lol

Posted by sweethearts
That's exactly what I feared WC....if at the end of the day it means we can't have a friendship then I will be fine with that. He never takes me seriously with the friends thing and always tries with me whenever we are together which is why I very rarely take up his offers of going out.

I was being selfish and used him to get over my own hurdle of moving on... he did say that we are good friends but with most of what he said, I have the feeling he is going slow thinking it will win me around...Of course I could be wrong.

Hmmm it's odd but i feel for me it's the other way around. I'm selfish for myself. I dont want anyone having me even if it means loneliness, for i love myself way too much to be caught up with someone i dont want, or have no feelings for. It IS a different perspective....if you really think hard and deep about it. You love yourself way way TOO much to allow another to have you without some deep emotional connection. that's selfishness to me. But i realise that alot of men separate their feelings and just go at it away with women, all kinds of women and promise them the world and never come back.

but did you tell him that? That hey i dont feel it for you but let's do this anyway?

Posted by CluelessCancer
How does on just sleep with a man without any emotional connection.

awkward. i can't open up my legs for anybody i don't have some feelings for.

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i can't either. i'd rather be alone. hang out with my family and live an old lady like that. it's like being raped if you allow someone to take you without commitment.

did you know, though. that many women writers love writing rape stories? that's an interesting fact. i learned this through my writing guilds and around other writers. it is women writers, so in the mind of the woman, she loves the rapist. But in practice, in reality i dont think she'd allow it?

and the majority of the minds of men writers and artists? they love ROMANCE, epic romance.

the Steven Spielberg kind, the George Lucas Stars wars romances and the J.r Tolkien love romances, Aragorn/Arwen, Sam/Rosie, and Faramir/Eowyn

http://www.heroesandheartbreakers.com/blogs/2012/03/the-romance-of-jrr-tolkien-love-in-the-time-of-hobbits<BR>
even walt disney loved his romances...

but it is the women who love the brutal violence in their love. Interesting isn't it?

i just saw the Charles Manson topic thread at the miscellaneoius.....

see what i mean? *nods*

I'm normally the same but I wanted to for my own reasons and I don't feel bad or I'm not beating myself up over it.

^^ eh well, never mind. you said you dont feel bad, well case closed i guess.

Mars in Leo and Venus in Libra which is why i know that a long term FWB would get complicated with me.

No, this was premeditated to some point on my part, I knew before I went that it was what would more than likely to happen and I was going to allow it. It's a mind over matter thing and I needed to do it and that's why I say it was selfish because I was taking care of my needs and not considering his.

The setting helped, it was a romantic setting, overlooking the water late at night and lights around with all the big flash homes and sights of the city, we were talking about the position we were at i.e.: North, South and where my home was. I couldn't get my head around it as everywhere I thought things were, were backwards!! He was trying to explain everything and it was funny I was quite disorientate and couldn't get my head around it!

But as it stands, I have only received a few texts from him since, I know his mother is up and he is otherwise occupied but on the norm if someone was really wanting more they would go a little harder. So i can put this into perspective and not over think it.

If you not attracted to him then it may be better to be friends and if you say you did that to get your needs met and it was premeditated then yeh friends may be better for you both in the long run. Sounds like a good plan that way no one can get raped that way.