Is it wrong to want success ....

....just to rub it in someone's face?

i'd say it is but lately i've been wanting to. i can understand people who do because i see the thought process behind it. my motivation for success has never been driven by a need to say "ha ha! look at me! im rich and famous". i dont care to be in the spotlight or have lots of material things, i just want success in terms of being able to do what i really want and love. slaving away at some 9-5 my whole life just to make ends meet and never do what i truly wanted to is not going to make me happy, ever. if anyone deserves the spotlight, its me. does that make me selfish? so maybe i am a late bloomer but i cant give up no matter what. if i give up on a dream, i give up on myself. i've quit before. EVERYONE should follow their dream.


i'm surprised i haven't broken down in public in front of anyone, i dont know how i stay so strong. its a different story behind closed doors. sometimes i wish i wasnt so strong with other people and able to keep my emotions in check, sometimes i want to cry on queue. being told by your family you are worthless and being shitted on left and right by every single person in your life isnt pleasant. its so hard for me to trust anyone now, how can i trust anyone? i WANT to trust people, its just hard. you start to think, whats REALLY GOOD with people?

there are thousands of people who have and had it worse than me......but my problems are still my problems and i've been through what i've been through. they still exist. i dont take anything for granted, i just ask to be treated fairly and respected because i do the same to individuals. i'm the type of person who will hold the door for you when if i knew the type of person you were i might think otherwise. here is me this person who wouldnt hurt a soul getting downtrodden at every opportunity. i dont bother people, i may not agree with you but i wont bother you. why do you want to bother me so much? i dont do acts of kindness just to make myself feel good, i just know the difference between what is good and what is bad.


karma doesnt exist and if it did there would be a lot of people getting a lot of shit in return for things they did to me. if luck is real then i have some of the worst luck possible.

i'm honest and dont apologize for it. i look at things for how they really are not what i want them to be. i dont want to view everything negative, i dont want to be depressed, i dont want to be pessimistic. sometimes i just cant help it. despite the fact that i know the world is bullshit and it wont change i still want to be happy. i get depressed a lot, but i still am searching for happiness.

the phrase "nice guys finish last" is completely true, but i want to fight for the good guys. i refuse to finish last. let a man be a despicable human being and still be admired but let a man have compassion see if you care. thats right you dont, because what good is being genuine?


if my typing is messed up its kinda hard to type with your thumb jammed swollen up, at least its not broken though. thats CPD for your ass

but when you have certain people who put you through bullshit, you naturally want to let them see you in the place you earned. especially your family. picture your family constantly telling you are worthless, you will never amount to anything, you werent worth producing, you will never get married etc etc. you take abuse for so long and you are going to act a certain way. thats why you have people say "im glad you put me through hell because look what it did to me, im on top now". shit, when i was growing up i had my mother tell me "dont get bashed when you go out", not because she wanted to see me come home safe but because she didnt want to pay the hospital bill if something did happen. from her own mouth "i dont care if you get beat up/shot/etc im just not taking you to the hospital and paying the hospital bill".

i'm a humble person, it really has nothing to do with that.

i hate to say it but i want to ruin people's lives when i feel like i've been wronged. if you do me wrong for no reason i wanna make your life a living hell because thats what you deserve for stepping on a good person's toes and putting them through shit. it doesnt even have to be someone i am close to, if a random person provokes me i want to wrong them on so many levels. i wont be malicious for no reason, but i feel like it is only right that someone gets what should be coming to them.

i dont want anyone to care. i just want you to realize that if you ever put me through hell, it didnt stop me from achieving my dreams. you dont have to care, you just have to KNOW.

I understand you and your feelings. There's a lot to be happy about in this life, but sometimes I can be somewhere and feel the sadness, not only in myself but everyone else. Its like I feel the weight of the world and it almost seems to fall on my shoulders.

As far as people stepping on us, that happens a lot. I'm just like you. I don't bother anyone. I keep to myself and mind my business but that seems to make us a target for some reason. Then you find yourself trying to control the anger because you don't want to let others control and dictate how you react. It happens constantly and the anger builds, builds, and builds and where is that energy released? I can't think of too many places, and the thoughts I have make me not ever want to see myself pushed too far. We control retain a lot of pent up energy and emotions.

All I can say is stay focused and stay true to you at all times. Look at every situation as a test and push forward. Nobody knows what you deal with inside and there's not too many people that can handle it. You ever find yourself finally opening up and expressing your feelings only to have the person look at you with nothing to say? Like there's no answer? Can hardly even give you comforting words? Put your energy and trust in a higher power because truthfully, HE is the only one that can deal with what some of us Cappies carry.

Posted by lnana04
I understand you and your feelings. There's a lot to be happy about in this life, but sometimes I can be somewhere and feel the sadness, not only in myself but everyone else. Its like I feel the weight of the world and it almost seems to fall on my shoulders.

As far as people stepping on us, that happens a lot. I'm just like you. I don't bother anyone. I keep to myself and mind my business but that seems to make us a target for some reason. Then you find yourself trying to control the anger because you don't want to let others control and dictate how you react. It happens constantly and the anger builds, builds, and builds and where is that energy released? I can't think of too many places, and the thoughts I have make me not ever want to see myself pushed too far. We control retain a lot of pent up energy and emotions.

its basically "easy targets". we are easy targets so they say "hey, lets fuck with them instead". this happens with police and the law system. i've been harassed by cops plenty, for no reason at all. just for simply walking down the street. i've never committed a crime in my life. lets go after him but let the rapists, murderers, drunk drivers all walk the streets. the easy targets arent gonna fight back right? the hardened criminals are going to have the system all figured. when people witness for their own eyes how the system REALLY is, they dont have any belief in that system. the system that supposedly "protects" us and keeps "justice". people get arrested everyday for doing nothing at all. i see it.

Posted by CappyyLuv30
. Just keep on keeping on.

click to expand

even thats hard to do at this point. im dying everyday and not being helped.

im not letting anyone control my happiness. i'm just not happy......at all.


i dont expect people to understand because they dont know the exact situation and i dont want to delve into a lot of private stuff on here. i already feel stupid for making this topic.

maybe i'd be able to ditch the funk if i got a doctor to take me seriously

huh? i dont understand what you're talking about

do you want me to spell it out for you ?

i've been very sick for the past 5 years.

there. i didnt even want to say anything because i dont want sympathy.

"As far as wanting to be successful to say "I told you so" there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Success is the best revenge you can get on anybody. Just don't make that your sole reason for wanting success, or you will fail at it. Whatever you want to succeed in, you have to have a real passion to do it.. motivation is a fire that burns from within. If someone else tries to light that fire beneath you, chances are it will only burn very briefly. But if you really, really want it for yourself, and not just to spite others, you will have it."

i want it because it is my passion and doing anything else would leave me with a hole knowing i never did what i really wanted. thing is like most everything its not what you know but all about who you know and involves ass kissing. i'm not an ass kisser. i dont want anyone to help me and i dont want "connections".....i want to work by myself and do it myself. they wont even know who i am so it doesnt matter whether anyone sees me get on. i'd be lying if i said it wouldnt make me a feel a little warm and fuzzy inside to think one person did recognize and say "oh thats him?"

i dont want to rub it in their face, i just want to block every single path for them 🙂




"you know what, now i feel like an idiot and don't know what to say. i mis-read. i read 5 "days". 5 years? i don't know what to say. sorry about being insensitive. it must have been hard."

must have been hard? its only gotten worse and hasnt improved.

stress doesnt help at all but everything else leads to the stress and exacerbates the problem. if i didnt have to deal with things i shouldnt be dealing with the stress wouldnt be created. i try hard to de-stress and calm myself down but its hard.

as far as talking to someone it would be nice but i dont have anyone. i literally have no friends. thats fine with me because i dont need them and at my age its harder but sometimes i do wish i had a person i could share everything with. hence why i wish i could find the one

sometimes i write.......poetry, lyrics, whatnot

i'm not dead in a phsyical state but in every other way i am. i'm still living but not alive.

who says i havent been fighting? i didnt just decide to say that i dont want things to change. i am just

i have FOUGHT with the garbage medical system in this country for years to get an answer and havent received one. they dont take what i have seriously and dont know anything about it. i have been laughed out of patient rooms by doctors and told to be on my way. when i suggest what i know is the problem they look at me like im a lunatic. they dont teach it in medical school therefore they dont know about. i know more about my problems and have been able to diagnose more than doctors have. i have learned more from medical websites and research through google than i have going back and forth between hospitals for the past 4 years. i have battled through the BS and have searched for answers myself through self medication and holistic health. i realize that im not going to be helped by doctors ever so im on my own and trying to find a way to cure myself. obviously this is not easy, but i didnt just refuse doctors they refused me. my regular doctor refused to refer me to a specialist i asked to see a while ago and instead made me do another blood test.

here's what a doctor does:

step 1- ask you a bunch of questions to find symptoms (you could have general symptoms that could be anything and not find the underlying issue)
step 2- run blood tests (blood tests will not tell you anything or find it, and doctors will just check for a certain "range" that you fall in
step 3- prescribe you medication that you dont really need
step 4- if all else fails, just repeat steps 1-3 and prescribe a different medication until patient gives up~!


they dont take someone that is suffering like me as important because i dont appear to have something life-threatening i.e. cancer. i just look ugly, feel completely weak most of the time, and have a bunch of symptoms that are hard to diagnose as something specific. he just has rashes all over his body so its not life threatening. what they fail to realize is that the UNDERLYING ISSUE which is causing that (and everything else) is affecting my life. they dont understand the psychological damage it does to you either because they are not going through it themselves and most have never suffered through any of the same stuff.

the medical industry and pharmaceutical industry is a huge money maker. most doctors only go through med school because doctors make a lot of money. they also get a cut of whatever prescription you fill with them. are there good doctors who are in the field because they want to help people? of course, there are good people in every walk of life. i have yet to find a good doctor who will take me seriously though, and i've been looking for quite some time. i'm not against all doctors and of course they are needed but the whole industry is corrupt at least in the U.S. do you think most doctors would become doctors if they earned the same salary as garbage man? the biggest problem is the fact that they dont teach about a lot of this stuff in med school and most doctors dismiss alternative medicine and holistic health. how do i know more about my condition than someone who spent how many years in med school yet i didnt go to college ?


i have physical things due to this that make me completely ugly.....i am talking deformities. i dont even like to be seen in public now and you can forget about dating. it may sound silly unless you actually have it.


i dont have any support. my family (parents) know about it because i've told them but they obviously dont care.

there are people out there suffering with the same things that have the same the stories to tell. the battle now is trying to find a solution for myself any way i can.

parasitic infection/autoimmune disorder (probably hypo/hyperthyroidism, celiac disease)

no, a simple blood test will not detect anything 90% of the time and will not be able to tell if i'm hypo. i've had all the blood tests done......i cant even count how many times ive done blood work.

the best way to get properly diagnosed with hypo/hyper is through an endocrinologist since they specialize in the thyroid. even then, its not certain that they can detect it either.

hypo/hyperthyroidism are autoimmune diseases

i've tried to see naturopaths, holistic doctors, and other specialists but been refused care. they make you get referred by your regular doctor and she will not do so....only make me do blood tests which arent going to show anything and obviously havent.

gluten causes celiac. the majority of foods in the united states contain gluten and its hard to avoid. gluten is bad and not needed in your body. a lot of people end up celiac and find out later in life.

autoimmune diseases can be caused from a parasite and other problems develop like candida yeast and leaky gut which attack the system. they leach off every nutrient in the body and when attacked can move to a different part. people with autoimmune have similar symptoms like malabsorption and Anaemia, cant gain weight or have extreme weight loss and gastrointestinal problems.

M- the people i'm referring to are on support forums on the internet and in general. they have the exact same kind of stuff and have been ignored by doctors too.

Posted by M
Man this thing can lead to a chain of nasty effects... I'm thinking it's less that they don't take you seriously but rather they don't want to get dirty in trying *proper* treatment.

@Ammy, 'The association is less marked but still significant for male patients. Female patients have a significantly elevated risk for hypothyroidism, hyperthyroidism and thyroid autoimmunity and it appears that autoimmunity is very important in the pathogenesis of thyroid disease in this population. Thyroid granulomatosis on the other hand is uncommon'

the problem is lack of knowledge by doctors. they dont treat it seriously and its not something that is common enough to gain their attention. the only thing they know to do is detect it through blood tests and thats not possible. they've heard of it before, but they dont know much about it and wont bother to research into whether thats whats wrong with you.

mention the words 'leaky gut' 'candida' 'parasites' to a doctor and they will look at you puzzled and say its all in your head.

Posted by amethyst2002

Posted by Metaphysical


the best way to get properly diagnosed with hypo/hyper is through an endocrinologist since they specialize in the thyroid. even then, its not certain that they can detect it either.

Sorry, but this bit is bullshit. My mom's entire side has had thyroid problems, all diagnosed with an endocrinologist. Have you actually BEEN to one? If anyone can help you and get down to things, it'd be them. If you've had the same luck with those guys, then that's a shame.

click to expand

see my long post on the last page where i mention not being referred to a specialist when i wanted to by my doctor. that was an endocrinologist. i've been trying to see an endo for years and they refuse.


the big problem is not hypothyroidism though, it may be an offspring of whats inside me though

my information comes from years of self research to find out whats wrong

gluten intolerence causes celiac. look it up.

amethyst-

What is Celiac Disease?

Celiac Medical ImageCeliac disease is an autoimmune digestive disease that damages the villi of the small intestine and interferes with absorption of nutrients from food. What does this mean? Essentially the body is attacking itself every time a person with celiac consumes gluten. Do you have celiac disease? Take our celiac disease symptoms checklist

Celiac disease is triggered by consumption of the protein called gluten, which is found in wheat, barley and rye. When people with celiac disease eat foods containing gluten, their immune system responds by damaging the finger-like villi of the small intestine. When the villi become damaged, the body is unable to absorb nutrients into the bloodstream, which can lead to malnourishment.

Left untreated, people with celiac disease can develop further complications such as other autoimmune diseases, osteoporosis, thyroid disease, and cancer.

http://www.celiaccentral.org/Celiac-Disease/21/?gclid=CPz_54aa3KUCFUS5KgodWXxJ4g

you are saying it is caused by genetics which i dont think is the exact answer. im sure that it can be passed on through genetics if someone in your family has it (same way diabetes etc can be) but the main factor seems to be eating gluten.

according to that site it says that 5-22% of celiac patients have an immediate family member with celiac. that doesnt tell me its genetic, but all these studies say that gluten consumption is what triggers celiac.

how long has celiac disease been around?

is it a condition that affects mainly people that have a western diet (eating gluten foods) ?


'Celiac disease is the result of genetic and environmental factors. We now know two HLA markers (DQ2 and DQ8) for the predisposition for celiac disease2. One environmental factor is, of course, the consumption of gluten, but there may be other environmental contributors. Recent research reveals that about 1% of the population suffers from this condition3 although most remain undiagnosed.

On the other hand, gluten sensitivity is characterized by antigliadin antibodies. This condition afflicts at least 12% of the general population4 and is found in patients with a wide variety of autoimmune diseases. In some studies of neurological diseases of unknown origin, a majority of patients show signs of gluten sensitivity4. These patients are mounting an immune response to the most common food in the western diet, yet many practitioners consider gluten sensitivity to be a non-specific finding, frequently counseling patients to ignore these test results. This is particularly unfortunate since a strict gluten-free diet has repeatedly proven helpful to patients who are fortunate enough to consult a practitioner who is versed in gluten sensitivity and its connection with autoimmunity.'


ok it says its the result of genetic and environmental factors. everything i read talks about gluten intolerance/sensitivity. i'd say most people are gluten intolerant.

bottomline gluten is not good and can lead to autoimmune diseases

i've basically given up on doctors. not for lack of trying because i've seen different ones several times and been through it for years. changing primary care physicians probably wouldnt do anything because they wont take me seriously. i got switched to another doctor during this whole time and saw her last month. same thing as before, and she will not refer me to any specialist like i asked. instead she made me take blood tests and i got a $ 120 bill for taking a couple blood tests. you would think after taking about 20 blood tests and not finding anything they would know.

medical assistance outside of the state or country? that would require me to travel and i wouldnt have any money to do so. most of my money has been drained paying for med insurance and doctors visits/prescriptions. maybe if i went to southeast asia or africa i'd get treated.

i am seeing a nutritionist but he/she's not gonna be able to make me poop out worms and flukes. i will see what they say but they will just want to know my diet which isnt bad. going there next week.


the people on medical forums are not simply accepting what doctors tell them and sitting idly with no other solution, if they were they wouldnt be looking for help on them. they are looking for an answer and solution.


'go in not knowing what the heck is wrong and see what they say. Going in with "google research" is sadly a sure way to get disrespected and turned away as you've experienced'

that's what i've been doing for a long time now. half the time i never said a word about what i know is wrong, i just told them all my symptoms and showed them what was wrong. they were all clueless and arent going to know whats really going on. when i have subtly suggested what the case is by saying "is it possible i could have this or this" they go "nooo, thats impossible! you dont have that. why do you think you have that?". i'm not just going in with google research, i've tried to get answers from these doctors but cant. i have physical evidence from my own eyes that told me theres something inside thats causing all these problems to spiral.

i took antibiotics and steroids for severe skin problems (eczema, psoriasis, seborrheic dermatitis) and they never went away. doc told me i should use them even after i said that steroidal creams werent making it go away. what i used was the strongest stuff (docs words). so obviously if its not working i should stop using it, which i did. taking antibiotics or steroi

taking antibiotics or steroidal creams for a long time is not good, thats common knowledge and it can mess you up.

i am pretty much one my own here and have to treat myself. hopefully i can figure out what exactly will work for my situation. if my current regimen that im about to start doesnt work, the next step would be getting prescription drugs (they arent going to prescribe me them).

nah, trust me none of the doctors here are going to tell me anything different. the best "doctor" i have seen in 5 years wasnt even a doctor, she was a nurse practitioner. at that time i had no clue what was going on, and she is no longer there anymore. the only real option would be a specialist like a naturopath. they wont let me see one with my health plan.


HMO

yes, that was a long time ago (2 years ago). i had to take antibiotics cuz i had an infection on my arm. took the full course of antibiotics.

the steroidal cream i stopped using after a while because the rashes all over my body werent disappearing with it.

Don't give up. I've had a medical problem that has been going on for 2+ years and I've met a lot of doctor. I love this county but doctors here lack experience so bad. I used to live in Egypt and this referral crap they do here is much less prevalent and doctors get to the cause of the issue instead of treating symptoms. There is a different way of doing medicine in other countries. Technology has been a curse and a blessing in this country. Doctors here lack the experience that a doctor only working with his/her hands have. There is also with prescribing medicine; it seems to me sometimes that they prescribe antidepressants to everything.
I heard you talk about parasite. I've also went to this route if you want to get parasite out of your body, there is a product called humaworm at humaworm.com. I tried it because like you I thought I have a parasite in my body from the way I am feeling. It didn't do much to me because I don't think I have a parasite, but it could do something to you who know. It is for 39 dollars. There are also other option for parasite cleansing. The most important ingredient is green hull of black walnut. I think it is also used for candida. But if you really want to see an endocrinologist find another doctor and make it clear that you see an endocrinologist even if you have to argue just don't fight with them. A lot of doctors don't want to do what you say even if you are right. I don't know what type of insurance you have, but that's what I did. I have okay insurance through work and I switched doctors a couple of times. Now I am seeing an african doctor who prescribed medicine and working with me on tests that a lot of american doctor have refused to do. It is nothing against this country, but there is a huge difference between medicine here and in some even developing countries. The insurance thing, plus not very experienced doctors make people suffer many many years before finding a good reasonable doctor and a cure. Don't give up. I don't have the same symptoms, but I know how it feels to be disregarded while you are really suffering. I would also have look into and research stablized allicin (garlic product) and Bovine colostrum since you mention autoimmune disease. There have been studies done on allicin and bovine colostrum that show their effectiveness.

yes. they definitely lack experience. there are a lot of things they dont know about because they werent taught it in med school and/or its not considered prevalant in this country. they dont bother to further research and see if maybe you do have this. its bad enough when you have a crappy health plan like mine. i know about humaworm, havent used it but i may have to try. i am waiting on a bunch of herbs to come in, they are scheduled to be delivered next week. yes, i've used black walnut hull & wormwood tincture before. it doesnt work by itself though, i have another bottle coming in to use in conjuncture. theres also clarkia. if all this doesnt work i dont know what im gonna do. walk into the emergency room probably

Metaphysical I hope they work. However, if your insurance plan permits try seeing an african or middle eastern doctor if the herbs don't do anything. From my experience Egyptian doctors especially who studied in Egypt are good. They listen and would go the extra mile. I am not saying they will be perfect, but I think they will get you in the right direction. I've seen many doctors and seemed to give up, but recently I saw this african doctor and on the last minute I was about to not go through with it(my capricorn doubt), but I did and he seemed willing to help and listen. He even gave me free samples. I am still waiting on some test though.