jealousy issues

another week another prob! Il try to keep it short as i do ramble on....trying again with cap man, everything has been going ok, he took me out last week for my bday and had a nice night. In the background have been abit on edge as hes got this girl 'friend' he is in regular contact with, and feel slightly uncomfortable about it as u might know frm my last post this is the one he was seeing whilst i was away travelling and they have slept together. Apparently it was TOO casual thoughand he didnt want that so they both agreed to just be friends. However he was seen out with her before we became official, though he said it didnt matter as me and him werent together at the time, i got upset though as he had told me hed already finished things with her, and also he had lied to me when i got back from travels as he said he wasnt seeing anyone and he got causght out and had to come clean, saying that he had just wanted to tell me in person. I forgave him and agreed to give things another go.But she is in his group of friends now and he sees her more than me!But i was dealing with it and telling myself to just accept that they were friends and nothing more till y.day - my friend (same one who saw them out before) told me shed seen them in town holding hands and cuddling! I had to ask him and i was pretty upset - he went ballistic and demanded i find out time and date, which i did and then he went and printed off all his work emails and bank statements frm that day to prove he wasnt even in the same city. So it seems my friend was mistaken. I also took my friends advice and emailed the girl he was seeing like a complete stalker which i regret now, she doesnt know me and i wrote a polite msge just asking her if she knew what was going on, told her what my friend had seen etc. He got angry when i told him what id done and instead of msging me bk this girl rung him this morn and told him, makes me feel worse now as dont want to feel awkward if i bump into her, i just didnt know what was going on, was v.upset and thought by asking her was best way to find out - this was before i knew he had proof in terms of emails etc. Worse he said he told her to msge me bk so i wouldn't "keep bothering her" this is not like me at all and made me sounds so bad and i asked him why he was not sticking up for me or explaining why i was upset! he told me tonight he just wants to carry on as we were and we will talk about it tomorrow,

but i feel so uncomfortable about this friendship he has with this girl now...ok so it wasnt them out together apparently but he told me on that day he could prove he was at work as he had loads of emails also to this girl, proving they werent together! And i couldnt help but feel jealous, somedays i only get a text or two from him yet hes emailing this girl back and forth all day when at work? They were seeing each other since end feb apparently and it ended about 3 weeks or so ago and now theyre such good friends i dont know if i should be worried but i feel like he speaks and sees her way more than me! Plus he never had female mates before, this is his firsat one he says its cause hes maturing. should i bother worrying about him seeing her and speaking toher? what is generally acceptable when ur in a relationship to allow?? Is it ok for them (knowing theyve had intimate and sexual relationship) to meet alone, speak on phone or message each other all day at work? i know i cant stop this, but would like to speak to him about what the boundaries are, but im not sure what is acceptable as i feel uncomfortable about the whole thing and so i think my thinking isnt clear. What does everyone else think? (sorry for rambling on-again!!)

i have to agree with CGILWL, taurgirl. staying with him is trouble. any relationship, be it friends or something more always begins with trust. you do not trust him and that does not bode well for a very healthy relationship. save yourself the heartache and weeks or months of agony. get busy, move on and someone will come along who will give you no reason not to trust him.

taurgirl,

I don't agree. Put your foot down if U want more out of this man! Put it down hard. Tell him it is U or HER and mean it. I have been with my Capricorn 4 10.6 years. I totally feel U. In the very beginning of our relationship. He was riding 2 work with this woman who he said was just his "friend". He sister told me they were lovers and that was the reason his ex-girl left him for her so called space. Anyway, ONCE I found out, I smacked the hell out of him. He said it was a lie blah..blah..At first I kind of believed HIM because she was just bringing him straight home from work. However, due to the fact that I am a Leo. I was not having that regardless. F that. It is ME OR HER. I told him he could not ride with her anymore. At first he got mad, then I started packing up my clothes and putting them in suitcases. I had moved from another state so I had some of my stuff still packed. However, he called her and told her that I did not want her to pick him up or drop him off anymore and that they had to quit riding together. Period. No ifs ands or buts. It is me or her U choose or I am out. So I guess I won because he is still around after 10.6 years. No I don't play that! No I don't back down off my boundaries either. It is no coming and going as U please. All or nothing!

Thanks everyone - there i was thinking i was being too possessive and should back off abit and let him have her as a friend - Krobe you said they were just riding together so it was just one thing they had to stop ndoing, since my cap introduced this girl to his friends when they were seeing each other she lives in the same area and has befriended alot of them and you could say is now in the same 'group', so it will make things difficult if i say me or her as shes also now friends with his friends, i dont know how i can say that. i would like to put some boundaries down however about how much time they talk etc and spend together.

capgirlinlustwithleo:

"If they hadn't slept together it is one things them being friends but really a guy and girl who have slept together can never be just friends." do you think this is reason enough for me to tell him to back off and cut contact with this girl? apart from having some of the same friends now they dont work together or anything like that...is it reasonable for me to say i dont want him talking to her day to day or messaging her or going to drop money or whatever off at her work (he said he did this the other day as he owed her money from the other night) i am jjust worried hes going to get angry at me and call me paranoid and insecure.

Scopiogoat: " Well sorry but IMO he is not only still clueless but adding the confusion that he knows what to do thus he can now do even more harm than before." what harm do you mean exactly, something involving this other woman?

Anyway what I mean is you need to take control of the situation rather than be controlled by it. Controlled by it means getting emotional. Be cool headed

Yeah, U could B cool headed with a Cap female. However, the males R a tad bit stronger and can handle some hard core butter(sh--). I would not B jealous acting, however, their is a difference with Bing jealous and being in control of the situation. It is HER or ME U pick or I am out! Period. NO NO, I will not let ANY man I deal with have another relationship with another woman I know he slept with or even assumed he slept with. No not me. I have been with a Capricorn male for 10 years. Lay your foot down.

yes capgirlinlustwithleo and krobe 03 i appreciate both ur points and i think u are both right.
have just ahd a very very long talk with him and sai i am uncomfortable with it and he needs to distance himself a bit. I said i dont mind him bbeign friends but talking to her all the time and emailing isnt on, juswt becasue i dont like it and i ahve distnced myslef from my exes and i knew for a fact if it was me speaking to someone i had slept with and had seen he wouldnt like it one bit. He didnt argue about that but said to me it was only 3 times (as in how many times they had had sex) i said i dont care whether it was 1 or 3000 the fact is they had done it and that had changed everything now. He said they only spoke more than usual last week because there were a couple of parties they were both going to of mutual friends and had to discuss times etc with each other...one party was at a them park and he tiold her he couldnt go as was working and apparently she was teasing him about not wanting to go on the rides or whatever. He says normally they only speak once or twice a week on the phone or email or text twice a week and only sees her about once a week. i still feel this is too much and want to say i dont think he should be speaking to her on phone or whatever at all anymore, but am i going to far if i say that? He says he wont not be friends with her but wants things to be ok with us he basically thinks im being stupid and doesnt think there is a problem. I feel a bit stuck as ahes friends with his friends now how can i say u cant email her or speak to her on the phone at all? i want to talk about this face to face but soonest he says we can meet is sunday as hes ill in bed today and tomorrow he wants to watch the football cup final and if hes better go to his friends party in the evening. he says if he does go to that im welcome to pop in and say hello, but its not really making sorting this out a priority is it if he is happy to lkeave meeting up till sunday. He says he wants some space to think about things now as ive drilled his head for 2 hours which i understand, im normally not like this but feel i have to make a stand or walk awway, and thanks to everyones help ive been able to do that today as i feel i am right. but how much contact is ok with thisw girl, are a few emails a week ok or nothing? bearing in mind they have some of same friends, and i do want things to work with him, its hard to walk away when u love someone. But that may be what i

Also talking to his friend on IM he says to me just now he hope it works out between us but even if he is his friend my bloke does speak alot of bullshit! want to know more but hes gone out for couple hours and not sure i should ask his friend what he means, going behind my caps back in case he finds we have been talking about him,oh dear this isnt looking good is it....

"Is the contact coming from her end or his? Is it that she wanted more than he did and is just using friendship as a way of getting close to him? If you do want to stay with him then this girl could use your snooping behaviour as an advantage to be closer to him by being on his side and in reality manipulating him to see you as the baddy here." CGILWL i see this too - i think one or the other messages i dont think its her chasing him as such, he said she wanted to carry it on but he had chemistry with her said but only in terms of friendship whatever that means, he saw her as a mate as he sees his blokey mates, they had a bit of fun but he realised he didnt want it in the end just friendship. She never emailed me back and i regret ever messaging to ask her now, i wasnt thinking straight at time, but she apparently messaged him and he cut and pasted the message she sent him - i will paste the one i sent her and the one she sent him and see what you think:
One i sent her: You don't know me but im friends with jade who i think u met at the weekend in leamington, i also used to go out with nick...im really sorry to message you out of the blue, just when i got back from travelling he got in contact with me and said he wanted to give things another go with us, i know he had been seeing you but he said it was over and since the beginning of the month weve supposedly been 'officially back together', but jade just told me today she saw u both in the mall about a week ago holding hands, and im thinking now he has been messing me around, so i thought id email you and ask if you knew what was going on??

this is what she told him about my email:Hey you,

Yeah I had a really long e-mail to my myspace account from this girl (how
she found me I don't know, bloody stalker). Basically saying that she was seeing
you and what was I doing still meeting you. She said that I was with you last
week in the mall holding hands, (news to me)and that I should know what was
going on and she wants to know if I am still seeing you cause she doesn'twant
to be mucked around !!
The only Jade I know in Brighton is from the masons (Janine's mate) but I
haven't seen her for ages and she didn't know about us anyway so not sure why
people are making sh22 up. Obviously nothing better to do !!
Bit random for a Thursday morning but hey !!

"Is the contact coming from her end or his? Is it that she wanted more than he did and is just using friendship as a way of getting close to him? If you do want to stay with him then this girl could use your snooping behaviour as an advantage to be closer to him by being on his side and in reality manipulating him to see you as the baddy here." CGILWL i see this too - i think one or the other messages i dont think its her chasing him as such, he said she wanted to carry it on but he had chemistry with her said but only in terms of friendship whatever that means, he saw her as a mate as he sees his blokey mates, they had a bit of fun but he realised he didnt want it in the end just friendship. She never emailed me back and i regret ever messaging to ask her now, i wasnt thinking straight at time, but she apparently messaged him and he cut and pasted the message she sent him - i will paste the one i sent her and the one she sent him and see what you think:
One i sent her: You don't know me but im friends with jade who i think u met at the weekend in leamington, i also used to go out with nick...im really sorry to message you out of the blue, just when i got back from travelling he got in contact with me and said he wanted to give things another go with us, i know he had been seeing you but he said it was over and since the beginning of the month weve supposedly been 'officially back together', but jade just told me today she saw u both in the mall about a week ago holding hands, and im thinking now he has been messing me around, so i thought id email you and ask if you knew what was going on??

this is what she told him about my email:Hey you,

Yeah I had a really long e-mail to my myspace account from this girl (how
she found me I don't know, bloody stalker). Basically saying that she was seeing
you and what was I doing still meeting you. She said that I was with you last
week in the mall holding hands, (news to me)and that I should know what was
going on and she wants to know if I am still seeing you cause she doesn'twant
to be mucked around !!
The only Jade I know is from the masons (Janine's mate) but I
haven't seen her for ages and she didn't know about us anyway so not sure why
people are making sh22 up. Obviously nothing better to do !!
Bit random for a Thursday morning but hey !!

just sounds like she twisting what i said!

i know i sounds really sad in that email and now i think i prob did look like a stalker but i was so upset and everyone was saying ask her as its the only way to find out!!

taurgirl
Once U make your point. U need to have enough self confidence in yourself to not worry about any other females. Period. U appear way to insecure. State your case, make it clear and keep your foot down. NO ifs and or buts!

taurgirl why do you care what she said? I agree with Krobe on this issue, put your foot down or leave this guy alone. Stop talking about her if you can help it b/c your giving this girl way too much importance and power over your relationship than she deserves. The more you talk about her the more you make her seem appealing to him, dose some fire on that energy and let it go.

If you want him, please stop talking about her as if she means anything, you come off looking as if you have no self esteem and make her seem much more appealing than she probably is and STOP listening to your friends! Tell them to stay out of your business.

I would not dump him if I were U taurgirl. If U can get your point across, other than him being controlling, he will B a pretty good man 2 U. A dam good 1. I will tell him and MEAN it!

this is one of those MAN test so you better step up and buck up to his ass and put the smack down! LOL! I'm sorry I couldn't help it, I jus had to say it, stop whining and talking to him and discussing it.

Basically you say...Look! Your either going to cut all ties with her or theres the door, I'm not playing second to her or even tolerating the illusion of playing second to her.

Your a taurus, grab that bull by the horns, this is the time to buck and snarl if you have to especially if you have no intentions of leaving him, if you want to stay make sure he understands that your not going to play this WE JUS FRIENDS game with him.

he say she just a friend stuff is old and played out

I say walk away silently! You don't trust him and it's only been three weeks. Here is what I see. I see you getting caught in his trap like the other girl may be?aside from that he does not want to meet with you to discuss your feelings cause he wants to watch football and possibly got to a party where the potential problem is?.WTF sound like a great guy to me! (Not, really!) Girl you are setting your self up for a huge loss, your chasing, your investigating honey we have all been there and it doesn't get you anywhere but more sucked in! Why would you want to go through that? You have only invested what a month or two? tops get away why you can! Meeting for lunch once a week? Emails, setting up party dates? Dropping off money? Phone calls?and they have slept together?close your eyes and picture this? does it sound like just friends to you!! He prolly cut her off like all caps to and now she's hanging on his coat tales as well? I mean really what girl is o.k. with that?? P.s. I gotta see her myspace and his!! Then I bet we could all give you a good answer!! Lol


I wish you luck!!

Xoxox

Think smart think with your head not with your heart on this one!


GEG

Its easy to say dump him but she's already caught up in the drama so from what it seems she's not going to dump him at this point, she's too caught up in the process, too curious and asking for answers when the answers are clearly in front of her, I personally would keep my distance but its obvious she's not going to so I say put the smack down on that mess and if it persist slowly distance yourself like GEG says and eventually the relationship will dissolve on its own.

personally I wouldn't have contacted him and asked him nada about this chick...HUGE MISTAKE! Never talk about another woman no matter how anxious and curious you are, this guy sounds like he has some loser tendencies or he's totally immature or both.

she's just a friend my butt, more like friend with benefits and its obvious she isn't just a friend or he wouldn't spend so much time texting, emailing and hanging out with this chick but hey we all gotta learn.

Thanks everyone on here for your advice, of course i dont come across as insecure as on here, this board is just good to vent though isnt it and its the time to be honest. Anyway i finished it with him this morning. occasionally i say hello to one of his friends on IM or they say hi to me and yday i spoke to one of them i met out with my bloke the other week. Basically when he herad we were back together (my man hadnt told him) he said he didnt want to get involved but his friends (hes known him for 10years) spoke alot of bullshit. i coaxed it out of him and it emergede that the night my man met me in the club and told me he still loved me etc, well that day in town he had intorduced his friend to a blonde girl matching the description of the girl my firnd had seen in town the next week. My man told his friend they had been dating for about 6 months!!! Then that eve in a bar before he met me his ex bumped into him and started talking to my blokes two friends...she apparently used to live with my man and had dumped him cause she suspected he was cheating but he never admitted it...anyway she asked his mates if they had known and they said yes as they thought my man would have admitted it to her by now! She went mental and slapped him round the face before storming out. This morning when i finished it i wouldnt tell my now ex what i knew or how i knew it as i promised his friend i wouldnt drop him in it. I know his friend likes me and used to fancy me, maybe still does but dont see why he would make that up and risk putting his friendship in jeopardy. he says my bloke has changed recently and become a bit of a cokehead too and he doesnt like it. When i finished it my ex came back with all these things like he now realised he did have feelings for the girl he had been seeing and he still thought about her and he didnt mind losing me as this weeks made him realise he never really wanted me to begin with...great! Feel hurt but hearing different things from different ppl including his friend is a very bad sign even though my ex still says he doesnt knw what im talking about regarding any other woman. Guess im out of it for the better!

WOW
well thanks for letting us know what went down!! Good for you for putting the smack down!! I wish you lots of love in the future! Keep your chin high!!


xoxox
GEG