Jennie-Lynne
@Jennie-Lynne
17 YearsCancer
Comments: 0 · Posts: 94 · Topics: 10
I feel like I'm cheating on him...
I should add.... he's the reason I started losing weight. I weighed 300 lbs. in May of 2007. I weigh 177 now. I wanted to see if he would ever be attracted to me.
::: holds head, rubs temples :::
(I want my first kiss to be special. Actually, I want ALL of my kisses to be special.)
First kiss——!!!!!! It says you are 31...
I laughed my ass off when I first read this.
First kiss——!!!!!! It says you are 31...
I laughed my ass off when I first read this.
maybe she means her first kiss the with guy
i mean with this particular guy
P-angel, sorry I gave you a headache there. **apologetic smile** I gave myself a headache, too.
For the rest of you.... yes, I'm 31, but I do mean my First Kiss. Ever. I've never been on a date, never held hands with anyone, and never kissed anyone on the lips.
For the rest of you.... yes, I'm 31, but I do mean my First Kiss. Ever. I've never been on a date, never held hands with anyone, and never kissed anyone on the lips.
"snicker"
There's just so much here, nothing anybody can say to you right now that will provide any help to you ... your issues go way beyond a forum.
But, I can tell you this ... I can imagine that whatever has tramatized you in your life, that has caused a 31 year old woman to hide like this, must be so huge that it's unbearable .... in which case, I understand the illusion you've wrapped around yourself in believing in a fantasy. For without the illusion of someone wanting you, what purpose is there in living as a woman, who REQUIRES being loved?
At any rate .. going into the effects of obesity and delusions, and whatever else might be an effect of the "cause" isn't my point here, though numerous people have actually responded to the effect without even realizing there is a cause ....
Therefore, my only help to you comes in the form of not preaching self awareness, rather, encouraging you to continue with the mirage.
It this fantasy has caused a different effect in you to consist of losing over 120 pounds ... then I say KEEP believing this man loves you, and YES you would be cheating on him if you talked to other men, so don't do it .. remain loyal to this man.
And when you get down to a healthy wieght ... then please come back in here to talk about this man you love, so we can help you to reality.
(stay away from McDonalds, everytime you want to think about potatoe chips, instead, think about being beautiful for this man)
🙂🙂 I hope to see you in here in 6 months, HEALTHY, and ready to talk about the love of this man again.
But, I can tell you this ... I can imagine that whatever has tramatized you in your life, that has caused a 31 year old woman to hide like this, must be so huge that it's unbearable .... in which case, I understand the illusion you've wrapped around yourself in believing in a fantasy. For without the illusion of someone wanting you, what purpose is there in living as a woman, who REQUIRES being loved?
At any rate .. going into the effects of obesity and delusions, and whatever else might be an effect of the "cause" isn't my point here, though numerous people have actually responded to the effect without even realizing there is a cause ....
Therefore, my only help to you comes in the form of not preaching self awareness, rather, encouraging you to continue with the mirage.
It this fantasy has caused a different effect in you to consist of losing over 120 pounds ... then I say KEEP believing this man loves you, and YES you would be cheating on him if you talked to other men, so don't do it .. remain loyal to this man.
And when you get down to a healthy wieght ... then please come back in here to talk about this man you love, so we can help you to reality.
(stay away from McDonalds, everytime you want to think about potatoe chips, instead, think about being beautiful for this man)
🙂🙂 I hope to see you in here in 6 months, HEALTHY, and ready to talk about the love of this man again.
oi all yous don't mess with jennie or else feel my wrath !
ffeeeellll it ffeeeellll it huh do you do you ? 😛
ffeeeellll it ffeeeellll it huh do you do you ? 😛
Sorry to take so long to respond. It's been a busy week at work.
emeraldgem - Thanks for the congrats about the weight loss. I've always had issues with depression, but I started gaining a LOT of weight as my PMDD took hold. I was 325 pounds at my worst, but after I was employed with my company, I began to feel a bit better about myself and started losing weight. Now that I've been on medication for PMDD for nearly a year, my symptoms have gone away and I'm no longer seriously depressed for large chunks of the month.
When I said he was the reason I started dieting again, I didn't mean it entirely like how it sounded. See, we were all at a sales meeting a couple years ago, and he saw me sitting on one of those luggage carts at the hotel where we were holding the meeting. He sneaked up behind me and pushed it, playfully. It was funny at the time, but later on that night, it made me think of how awful it would have been if he'd hurt himself while pushing me on that cart. So, that's what I meant when I said "he was the reason I started losing weight." It was just that literal and figurative push when I was in the right frame of mind to start dieting again (I've been on diets on and off most of my life).
And yes, it is nice to see this certain smile he gets on his face when I'm wearing something that makes me look very pretty. He doesn't say anything, because he's the boss and isn't allowed to (though plenty of other guys at work tell me how fantastic I look), but it's nice to see that my work on myself IS paying off. I love seeing those special smiles. They're very different from his usual "Hi there" kind of smile.
And you're right about losing weight for myself. I still want him to see what I look like as I lose weight (because he has always been so friendly to me, even when I was much larger), but no, I won't seek solace in Ben & Jerry, if it turns out he's permanently unavailable. I haven't weighed 177 since I was 15 years old. I'm just now into a size 14 for the first time ever, and I never want to go back to being "Obese" ever again. (I'm 5'7" tall, by the way. People are always in shock when I tell them what I weigh. Some of them are even telling me I look too thin now. I find this weird, since my personal goal is to be 125-130 pounds by this time next year.)
emeraldgem - Thanks for the congrats about the weight loss. I've always had issues with depression, but I started gaining a LOT of weight as my PMDD took hold. I was 325 pounds at my worst, but after I was employed with my company, I began to feel a bit better about myself and started losing weight. Now that I've been on medication for PMDD for nearly a year, my symptoms have gone away and I'm no longer seriously depressed for large chunks of the month.
When I said he was the reason I started dieting again, I didn't mean it entirely like how it sounded. See, we were all at a sales meeting a couple years ago, and he saw me sitting on one of those luggage carts at the hotel where we were holding the meeting. He sneaked up behind me and pushed it, playfully. It was funny at the time, but later on that night, it made me think of how awful it would have been if he'd hurt himself while pushing me on that cart. So, that's what I meant when I said "he was the reason I started losing weight." It was just that literal and figurative push when I was in the right frame of mind to start dieting again (I've been on diets on and off most of my life).
And yes, it is nice to see this certain smile he gets on his face when I'm wearing something that makes me look very pretty. He doesn't say anything, because he's the boss and isn't allowed to (though plenty of other guys at work tell me how fantastic I look), but it's nice to see that my work on myself IS paying off. I love seeing those special smiles. They're very different from his usual "Hi there" kind of smile.
And you're right about losing weight for myself. I still want him to see what I look like as I lose weight (because he has always been so friendly to me, even when I was much larger), but no, I won't seek solace in Ben & Jerry, if it turns out he's permanently unavailable. I haven't weighed 177 since I was 15 years old. I'm just now into a size 14 for the first time ever, and I never want to go back to being "Obese" ever again. (I'm 5'7" tall, by the way. People are always in shock when I tell them what I weigh. Some of them are even telling me I look too thin now. I find this weird, since my personal goal is to be 125-130 pounds by this time next year.)
dward417 - You were actually part of the reason I didn't bother responding right away. (The other reason being that I was just swamped with work.) It hurt to be laughed at.
I know it's funny to many people that I am this age and still "untouched," as it were, but believe me, it's not funny to be on my end of it. In school, I was always too busy doing homework for all the honors classes I was taking, so I had no time for a social life. And when I got to college, I was too busy trying to keep my full-tuition scholarship to even think about dating. Then, my PMDD issues began to get worse, so I had those to deal with. I've resisted being on medication for a very long time, because I thought it was just regular PMS.... I thought every woman felt like this. Turns out, I'm one of the oh-so-lucky 8% who have PMDD, which is PMS with crippling depression and suicidal tendencies, for those of you who don't know. Now I'm on Sarafem (which is the name given to Prozac when it's used for treating PMDD), and I finally feel like a normal person.
As a result, I've been pretty miserable for most of my life. And now that I finally feel better, I think I'm finally ready to explore the world of relationships. But at the same time, I'm completely new to this aspect of life. And even though I haven't had any true relationships, I've talked with guys before online. One of them (a Aries who emphasized all the bad parts about that sign), I even became serious enough about to want to go see. Fortunately, I wised up in time to realize what a skeaze he was. But he and a few other Internet guys along the way have made it very hard for me to trust guys.
There are some really nice ones at work. And a good many of them are single. I may well give one of them a try, if they seem interested, but things are a bit complicated right now because of the flirting John does with me, and the flirting I do with him. He's the only guy who, whenever he's within arm's reach (which is quite frequently, actually), I just want to kiss him or touch his cheek. But I don't, because he's my boss, and because I know he was at least casually dating some woman back in February. (No idea if he's still with her, or if he's found someone else -- or even several someone else's -- since then.)
It probably is a lost cause with John. But there's just enough playful flirting on his side that makes me wonder if there could ever be more.
I know it's funny to many people that I am this age and still "untouched," as it were, but believe me, it's not funny to be on my end of it. In school, I was always too busy doing homework for all the honors classes I was taking, so I had no time for a social life. And when I got to college, I was too busy trying to keep my full-tuition scholarship to even think about dating. Then, my PMDD issues began to get worse, so I had those to deal with. I've resisted being on medication for a very long time, because I thought it was just regular PMS.... I thought every woman felt like this. Turns out, I'm one of the oh-so-lucky 8% who have PMDD, which is PMS with crippling depression and suicidal tendencies, for those of you who don't know. Now I'm on Sarafem (which is the name given to Prozac when it's used for treating PMDD), and I finally feel like a normal person.
As a result, I've been pretty miserable for most of my life. And now that I finally feel better, I think I'm finally ready to explore the world of relationships. But at the same time, I'm completely new to this aspect of life. And even though I haven't had any true relationships, I've talked with guys before online. One of them (a Aries who emphasized all the bad parts about that sign), I even became serious enough about to want to go see. Fortunately, I wised up in time to realize what a skeaze he was. But he and a few other Internet guys along the way have made it very hard for me to trust guys.
There are some really nice ones at work. And a good many of them are single. I may well give one of them a try, if they seem interested, but things are a bit complicated right now because of the flirting John does with me, and the flirting I do with him. He's the only guy who, whenever he's within arm's reach (which is quite frequently, actually), I just want to kiss him or touch his cheek. But I don't, because he's my boss, and because I know he was at least casually dating some woman back in February. (No idea if he's still with her, or if he's found someone else -- or even several someone else's -- since then.)
It probably is a lost cause with John. But there's just enough playful flirting on his side that makes me wonder if there could ever be more.
ashleysagstar - Thank you! :-) I've been using Weight Watchers online. It's really been an awesome weight loss tool for me. Back when I went to the meetings, I never did very well.
P-Angel -
I appreciate the helpful spirit in which you gave your advice. :-)
PMDD is what has caused me most of the trauma I've felt through my life, but I'm finally feeling better. As I explained above, it's not that I'm deluded into thinking that John loves me. He flirts with me unmistakably every day. I'm just curious as to whether he's flirting for fun or flirting because he's kind of interested.
I haven't convinced myself that he loves me. That would be a delusion, because I don't know how he really feels about me. I only know how I feel about him. And that's where my confusion about other guys comes into play.
I also explained above about what I meant when I said he was the reason I started losing weight. He was the initial cause, and he's also part of what keeps me motivated. But he's not the ENTIRE reason for the weightloss. Looking great in smaller clothes, having very little acne anymore, and being able breathe and sleep comfortably are all major motivations to keep me losing weight.
It's hard for me to be attracted to men, because I appreciate them for their intelligence first, and then their personality/character, and then their looks. But so many of them don't impress me at all with their intellect (or lack thereof), so I don't even bother looking at them any further.
I'm only 27 pounds above the top of my goal weight range, according to Weight Watchers. People are shocked when I tell them I weigh 177. They tell me I only look like I'm 150, and then they say I shouldn't lose any more weight because I'm already looking too thin.
I don't have to worry about fast food or potato chips. I don't like either one. :-) But yes, I do use him as motivation. (Usually, it's in the form of asking myself, "Which do I want more, to be eating that cookie, or to be kissing someone like John?")
I appreciate the helpful spirit in which you gave your advice. :-)
PMDD is what has caused me most of the trauma I've felt through my life, but I'm finally feeling better. As I explained above, it's not that I'm deluded into thinking that John loves me. He flirts with me unmistakably every day. I'm just curious as to whether he's flirting for fun or flirting because he's kind of interested.
I haven't convinced myself that he loves me. That would be a delusion, because I don't know how he really feels about me. I only know how I feel about him. And that's where my confusion about other guys comes into play.
I also explained above about what I meant when I said he was the reason I started losing weight. He was the initial cause, and he's also part of what keeps me motivated. But he's not the ENTIRE reason for the weightloss. Looking great in smaller clothes, having very little acne anymore, and being able breathe and sleep comfortably are all major motivations to keep me losing weight.
It's hard for me to be attracted to men, because I appreciate them for their intelligence first, and then their personality/character, and then their looks. But so many of them don't impress me at all with their intellect (or lack thereof), so I don't even bother looking at them any further.
I'm only 27 pounds above the top of my goal weight range, according to Weight Watchers. People are shocked when I tell them I weigh 177. They tell me I only look like I'm 150, and then they say I shouldn't lose any more weight because I'm already looking too thin.
I don't have to worry about fast food or potato chips. I don't like either one. :-) But yes, I do use him as motivation. (Usually, it's in the form of asking myself, "Which do I want more, to be eating that cookie, or to be kissing someone like John?")
**laughs** Thanks for haviing my back, Zen. Your wrath is a fearsome thing to behold. ;-P
I wasnt laughing at you..just at the remark emeraldgem made..if I hurt your feelings I am truly sorry.....I have to appreciate your natural way of losing weight....I have a couple of friends that had the gastro bypass performed....they are losing too much weight.
for shame dward, for shame 😛
congrats on the weight loss jennie-lynne...don't let anyone here make you feel bad about yourself! there's no shame in being honest. just keep looking forward - you've come a long way and there's really nowhere else to go but on. a word of advice though...i swear i'm not trying to preach, but if john is your boss and he is already taken, you might want to set your sights elsewhere.
fwiw, i have a lot of respect for you...it takes courage to make changes like that
dward417 - You mean, I read something and then completely misinterpreted it and blew it all out of proportion? Well, that's incredibly typical of me. Sorry about that. **hugs**
zen - Goob. **laughs**
Everyone - Thanks, guys. :-) You're right, of course. It just bites. Do I know how to pick 'em, or what?
I've been talking with this Libra guy I met on another forum I visit. I know Libras are supposed to be ideal for Geminis, and he's certainly cute and well-spoken (plus he called me gorgeous), but....he's just not what I want. He's in another state, lives with his ex-, has a kid with her, is dirt poor, and is unemployed because of untreated depression issues. **shakes head** It's just not what I want to get myself into. I want someone who is established in his own career. I don't want someone I would have to support.
And truth to tell, Libras just don't seem to be more than friendship material to me.
zen - Goob. **laughs**
Everyone - Thanks, guys. :-) You're right, of course. It just bites. Do I know how to pick 'em, or what?
I've been talking with this Libra guy I met on another forum I visit. I know Libras are supposed to be ideal for Geminis, and he's certainly cute and well-spoken (plus he called me gorgeous), but....he's just not what I want. He's in another state, lives with his ex-, has a kid with her, is dirt poor, and is unemployed because of untreated depression issues. **shakes head** It's just not what I want to get myself into. I want someone who is established in his own career. I don't want someone I would have to support.
And truth to tell, Libras just don't seem to be more than friendship material to me.
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**sighs** It didn't help that I watched Pride & Prejudice on DVD yesterday, and the guy who played Mr. Darcy kept looking at Angela Bennet in a way that reminded me of how John sometimes looks at me (like he has a heck of a lot of words hidden behind those beautiful grey eyes, but he's keeping them locked inside for whatever reason).
I hate it that I've found the only guy I'm attracted to at the same place I found the job of my dreams. I'd definitely choose him over the job, but I hate not knowing if I have a good reason to leave (as in, him waiting for me to leave so he can ask me out).
Sorry, guys. I just needed to vent. My heart and my mind are at odds. The heart knows exactly who it wants, but the mind wonders whether it's a logical choice or if I should move on.