My Libra

My turn to bitch about my Libra.

We have been dating on and off for about 5 years. (We're high school sweethearts/first loves.) Although we certainly have our problems there was always one thing I could count on with him, and that was that I always came first - before his friends or his family. He was always very devoted to me and I always got all of his attention.
However, ever since he came back from his tour in Iraq things have been different. I figured he'd come back trying to marry me like most men do coming back from war. But actually he is less affectionate, more emotionally withdrawn, and has been pushing me aside.

This Christmas he decided he is going to visit his family in New Jersey. I respect that, as we always spend holidays with my family. However, he knows I can't go and is absolutely fine with leaving me behind. Even in the beginning of our relationship he would have never left me behind - if I couldn't go, he wasn't going, even if I pressured him to go without me and insisted it was okay. Now after everything we've been through (even spending a year apart while he was in Iraq)he's suddenly okay with leaving me behind - and even on a holiday?
So, obviously, I'm feeling really wierd about this.

Anyways, I tried to make a compromise and suggest we spend our Christmas together early. However, now this 5 day trip has turned into him leaving this Friday and not coming back until the 31st. WTF— I already expressed my unhappiness with the situation but he does not seem to care. He suggests I'm selfish and am trying to make him feel bad about leaving. When he's totally missing the point.

of course he would be feeling differently...war does that to people.

But without trying to sound criticizing, if you normally always spend time with your family, can you tell me what is so wrong about him going to see HIS family? I mean seriously, he has been away and of course he wants to connect with his own family. If you are unable to come along thats another issue but he has every right to see his family and he should be able to go for as long as he wants/needs to. It looks like he'll be spending NYE with you if he returns on the 31st. What keeps you from going with him? its the holiday season afterall 🙂

I think you should give him some space for a start, he needs to find his way again and I dare say it wouldnt be easy for these guys and girls.

From what you write, it seems that he has put you first for all these years and for once he's doing something for himself...let him and encourage him even though you might feel out of your comfort zone. You could go without being with him for a year, what is a few extra days?

Perharps he had seen somethings in war, and decides to cherish his family more by spending just a bit more time with them.

Posth traumatic syndrome..it is real, read about it

Posth traumatic syndrome..it is real, read about it

I don't have a problem with him going to see his family. I was the one who suggested he go up there in the first place anyways. That's not my point at all.
My problem is he's not a big holiday person to begin with. He looks at holidays as just another day, mainly because his family isn't that close knit get together and enjoy eachother's company type. When they get together it's totally forced, everyone's miserable, they spend the evening hurling insults at eachother, screaming, arguing - someone always ends up crying and even physical altercations have occurred. He always said he viewed me as his family because I was the one that was there for him when it was good and when it was rough. And his family seemed to only care about seeing/talking to him when they needed money.
He knows I come from a different type of family...he knows holidays are important to me.
So, if it's suddenly so important to go see your family (some of which you didn't see or care to see for 5+ years) why go on Christmas? Why not after the new year? Why not before Christmas? If holidays don't matter to you, but you know they matter to your girlfriend, why leave on a holiday?!

Bottom line: it's inconsiderate. & I am always considering his feelings before I do anything. So I'm really sick of it, and although it sounds petty for me to get so upset over this - I really don't know if I want this kind of relationship anymore.

Oh and due to his financial situation at the moment (due to his father fucking him over on a house he was selling him) I understood that he wasn't getting me anything for Christmas, plus I'm not a big gift person anyways I could usually care less. But it kind of bothers me that he can't buy me a stupid little present or do something thoughtful for me - yet he can spend $ 400 in plane tickets and not to mention he will end up buying his mother dinner every night. That's bullshit.

And OH MAN..."Evan"....Don't even come here with that bullshit right now.

"bullshit? isnt that your last name?
I repeat,
Karma."


Whatevs, go dick it up somewhere else. Thankssss 🙂


And irishlibra:
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to patient and supportive, because that's just what I do. But I'm still mad and I won't forget it. You're all right though I need to just let it go. He's different now, and nothing will change that.

brianafay,

I would kind of be feeling how your feeling. People can sense that something is wrong..if your instincts are telling yourself that hes acting differently...then something is probably wrong...at least thats waht I think. Im not saying its time to push the panic button now, but time will tell if you guys are meant to be together.

As for this situation, its tricky. Because its one thing to go see his family, but to leave earlier and come back later would raise a caution flag for me. I mean, if hes like "oh i really want to see my family, i really miss my family" then i can understand him leaving earlier and stuff...but if he just decided for no reason that hes gonna leave earlier and come back later, then I would question it.

Ok, he wants to see his family, totally understandable...but you being the girl he loves, he should want to balance it and see you as much as possible before he leaves...he should want to see his family, but at the same time not be away from you for a longer time if you doesnt have to be.

Denny:
Not sure if your post helped or hurt. 😛 Jk. Thank you.
I finally sucked it up and talked to him about it. & how the trip changed from 4-5 days to 10 days after I couldn't come and he said it had nothing to do with me - and revealed that his mother wanted to buy his plane ticket home as a Christmas gift (to save him some money too) so he was trying to make it cheaper for her, as a plane ticket prices between the 26-30 were outrageous.

Scorp:
You're right. After I thought about this for a really long time - and read all your different perspectives I realized that I was being a little selfish. & I have to admit - it started out I was feeling abandoned but turned into me feeling a little competitive with his mother. She's a typical italian mother. She loves her sons in this wierd obsessive way and doesn't want any other woman getting their attention. & in the first place she never even invited me and she does this often - pretends I'm not a part of his life. (It's not like I haven't been for the past 5 years.) Shit makes me mad because I always include her in his life - especially when he refuses to. She sucks. Whatevs.

Ashley:
Thanks. 🙂 I'm glad other people know how I feel. I always felt like this war (and war in general) is effecting more than just the soldiers. It's devasting to their families left at home to carry on without them. I know he's changed from all of this. But some changes were good changes. So I can't complain. It just sucks when they've changed and you're still the same ol' you. It's like you have to start all over again. And sometimes, you're very in love with them, but you just don't like the person they've become and that's hard to deal with. I'm trying to cope though.

Oh and Denny. He's an italian libra from South Jersey. Too funny.

Yeah actually I'm not a selfish person, but I don't even care enough to explain myself. You missed my point too. But it's cool.

He left today. I acted happy and told him to have fun and have a good Christmas and to bring me back some snow. If I was "incredibly selfish" - as you suggested - I would have made a huge scene and acted like an asshole in order to make him feel bad.
But in the end I would rather see him happy anyways.

Like I said, I was never mad about him leaving - I would never make him choose between me and his family like that. I love him and I'm not too young, or too selfish to understand what that means.
I was obviously just holding him to my standards - which I do too often. If I was going away on Christmas and leaving him behind I would make it a point to celebrate Christmas with him early. He didn't consider my feelings at all...that's what really bothered me.

& he did invite me, that wasn't the problem, either. He was disapointed I wasn't able to go...and at first wasn't going without me either. But he obviously had a change of heart, which is fine.
I couldn't get off work. Plus, to be honest I would rather not spend Christmas with his family - I would have only tolerated it for him.