desperate

life is all about choices, the choices you make define the way you are, the way you are heading, life experiences gives you different pathways but your choices lead you. So basically, were you already made when you were born?

If thats the case, then i despise the person i am. Ever since i was young, i had a lack of concentration, i could never focus, i always had to move around to make myself happy. I can never concentrate on homework, the things my parents expect out of me. And it kills me because i dont have an inch of stability whatsoever, a person needs a least a pinch of stability, which i dont have. I am ambitious, i have passion for what i want to do. But what i love, parents/society doesnt expect. Success can be defined in anyway you want. But my success is not accepted. I dont care about being accepted, but i'm constantly being pressured and told of what i SHOULD be doing, of what i SHOULD be. And i suddenly start thinking, that i'm just a waste of space. I know i should be doing my work..should be determined.

Is there fate? if there is, then i wonder what's going to happen in near the future? maybe theres different kinds of fates. Each decision you make opens a new fate. So should i be making my decisions out of instinct or out of careful decisions?

I wonder what happens after death, some people have this theory that if you die, you just die. Nothing more. But if we have the capability to live in this world, then isnt there a slight chance that you could live again? in another world or in some other form? *sigh*...i wish i didnt have compassion for other people(parents). When i do something, it affects the people around me, step siblings say, "why do you do this to dad?? mom??" i'm sorry if i cant be what they want me to be. I wish i didnt have to go by that traditional ladder.

Perhaps you should just live life and worry about what happens afterdeath when you die.

Hope this is not too deep but read this in a book and
thought it might help.
What we believe about ourselves will become true.
If our parents are lonely frustrated unhappy,scared people,
we grow up with that fear and begin to believe those
negative ideas they tell us.We talk to ourselves the
way our parents talked to us. "I never do anything right"
"It's all my fault"
You must continue to love yourself and believe in yourself
and release the past.Don't criticize yourself.
These difficulties are problems you need to work on in this lifetime. I do believe in reincarnation ,why not.
Like you say Luz we are here now why not in another
lifetime with different problems to work on and work out.
Our parents beliefs and fears are for them to worry about
not us. If you are a kind compassionate person the universe
will supply you with whatever you need and send you the answers whenever you ask.
Believe in yourself and and say it every day.

I firmly believe that everyone has the ability to change, although some people don't realize it. You can be whoever you want to be. Honestly, I don't think that one should follow their instincts or careful planning, one needs to encorporate both into life. I would suggest doing what it is that makes you happy, although to be happy, you also need to be at peace with the people closest to you, including your parents, which is something which needs to be taken into account. The very fact that wrote this post is proof that your insticts no this. I don't know enough to say where it is, but there is always an easy medium, although sometimes it's hard to find. Luz, you can be anyone you want to be, and you don't have to stay the same person always, you pick and choose and change again. Be happy, life's a compromise, and nothing's permanent. Who you are and where you're going is a contract always open to renegotiation.

*insticts know this, it should read

Luz, isn't your birthday right around now? Happy birthday!

morgan, i agree with you completely. But the thing is, i'm always changing, i'm never consistent, and this my parents are dissapointed about. They want me to be more focused, more consistent, more determined(in school) But i guess the only thing i really want to do is follow my hear, my mind, my OWN "beating drum". Because you were born alone and you leave here alone, so the person i should really try to make happy is me. I dont mean totally disregard my family but you get what i mean. and thank you for wishing me a happy birthday!!! ^^

sabrina, thanks for sharing that, just so you know, i really liked what i heard from that post ^^ it made me smile.

and no james, i dont worry about death or whatever happens after it ^^ i just ponder. And yes, i will live my life 😕 i just didnt want to live the life that my parents expect of me. But in some aspects, what they say is true. I need to be more focused so i can achieve where i want to be...

Luz,

I know how you feel. You should have your own feelings, your own thoughts because this is YOU. The reason that you are not focused (according to your parents) is because you are not doing what you enjoy doing. Once you are doing what you love, everything will flow and come naturally. There is no work to it. How do I know this? Because I made the choice (sorry parents, and I am one) to follow MY heart, MY dreams, My weird sense of humor and do my own thing. I have no regrets and I am one very happy person. I have encouraged my boys to do the same thing. I understand their need for freedom of expression to be who they are and to love them unconditionally. Amazing how they fall into their "own" thing.

Luz, I know this is hard but please do not ever give up on you because you are the only you. Find your inner strength to trust what you feel and follow that inner guidence system that you were given at birth.

Best of wishes......

im sooo glad that someone can relate to me. and yeah, i wont give up ((: because then i'd be going against the basic foundation of life 😛 and that is survival! dun dun dun! and i'm impressed, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and you know what you're talking about.. i like that.

Don't worry Luz, you grow out of this!

thank you for the encouragement libragirl!