For the ladies..

How do feel about your man having female friends or buddies? Do you get jealous? Does it make you uncomfortable?
Do you think he should slack up on seeing them? Do you trust it? I need all opinions.

Let me add, please save the trust stuff. Let's be real and honest.

I'm an uncurably jealous person. I get pissed very easily. However, I know this about myself, so in the end it doesn't wind up bothering me that much because I'm friends with all his friends and yatayatayata... But yeah, I still feal jealous. I think I'm too possessive though.

Well, thanks for your comment. I am sure nobody wants to feel that way. But, it's human nature. I despise it and won't all of them to go elsewhere. I dont' care how long they've been friends. They are not the type of women I wanna hang out with.I am very possessive and I am not apologizing for it. Are you a gemini morgan?

no i dont get jealous easily but it depends what the situation is.

Haha, great post twinkee!

Time for brutal honesty: I would be a happy woman if my man only had male friends. I hate it when I can't go to a party that he's going to or something and I know there will be lots of females there. It's not that I dislike women (cuz some jealous ladies just dislike all women), in fact I love women. I just wish there was a twelve hundred mile forcefield around my boyfriend that could emit an electric shock to any other lady that enters it (lol). Yeah really, I can hardly stand it, but for the sake of my relationship, I normally say nothing, I just silently brood or end up saying passive aggressive things to him (if I'm in a particularly fiesty mood about it) like, "I trust you, because I know that you know what will happen if I find out something happened that shouldn't have". Oh believe me, when I was younger like, 17 (when we first started dating) I was much worse. I would freak out if he went to a party where there were girls and I would grill him afterwards for about an hour about *everything*. But I think I've matured a lot since then and I'm more secure because I just know that he knows that the relationship would abruptly end if he cheated on me in any way...and he might incur some minor injuries too. When I get *really* pissed, everybody should watch out because I will go looking for the girl. No, I wouldn't necessarily hit her, but if she pissed me off enough, she'd better be looking over her shoulder for the next year. I've only been cheated on once (to my knowlege) by an old boyfriend (a Leo) and a girl who was supposed to be one of my best friends was the hoochie he took up with. He was 6'3" and weighed about 190, and I pushed him so hard when I found out that he almost fell on his ass. No joke. Later on after screaming and such, I found the girl and let's just say I went off on her enough to make her cry and shake. Am I proud of this? No. Would I do it again? Possibly, but in a more calm way. Well now that I've rambled on, let me just sum up by saying that jealousy is normal, but with a lot of time it can get better. I will never stop being a naturally possessive, jealous person, but I can control it and subdue it if I truly have no reason to be worried.

Great topic!

Well, I agree about wanting them to go away. I mean, if anything happens regarding cheating, he will pay! LOL. He says he will let them go, but who knows. These women act like they can't find a female friend. I think I should get respect from them. They should be more understanding. I am working on this problem. I don't trust some women, that's all.

Thanks for sharing the rage, phoenix!

Hahaha, you're very welcome my dear! Trust me, a lot of women won't admit it but this is a far more common "issue" than you'd think. We can be sweet and unassuming 90 percent of the time and then turn into your worst enemy at the drop of a hat. I understand everything you're saying about these ladies needing to respect you, I agree, and he would do well to talk to them himself about that, but of course he probably doesn't want to do that. But you know, what I would do is just be very clear about what you want from him. Just be honest too, that way if he screws up he can't worm his way out of it by saying something like, "well I didn't know you would be upset if I did {this or that}". Tell him how you're feeling when you're not in the heat of the moment--things tend to come out much more raw when powerful emotions are going on. Or ask him if he'd want the same respect from your male friends if the situation was reversed.

^^those are some things I've done in the past. This works well too: get some male friends and hang out with them a lot. lol. Revenge? Not really, just showing him what it feels like by doing the same. lol.

No problem whatsoever with hubby having female friends. I myself have male friends so what's the difference. Let me add though, I too am a jealous person..but only if there is a reason to be jealous. I am friends with my hubby's ex fiance, but don't feel threatened. (Even though she STILL has major feelings for him). I know he is not interested, so I am ok. Yet his last ex I DO have a problem with, but that is b/c he is still in love with her. I guess it depends on the way the male 'feels' about the female...you should be able to tell by his reactions to her. If the woman friend comes onto the man, but he is not interested, then I am also cool with that UNLESS the woman friend is disrespectful and unaccepting of the relationship I have with my hubby.

I think it would be awesome if more men had more female friends.

Lawgoddess, all I can say is, you are ***MUCH*** more evolved than I am when it comes to this stuff. lol. 🙂

this reminds me of the song by alicia keys "girlfriend" rofl

I know what you mean about not trusting some women, Twinkee. I do trust my man...but, I do tease him a bit when I feel there were just too many women hanging around him...in my own way, I make sure I get the answers from him that I want to hear! Most of his female friends, I am also friends with...but, we have been out and some of his female work acquaintances have come up and talked (or flirted!)...on that one, I really made sure he knew that I thought she was flirting and just a little too bouncy!! (and of course, she wasn't even all that cute...or sexy...or smart! LOL!! OK...I am done with the catty comments! LOL!) Actually, he handled the situation beautifully and I was proud of him!

It does depend on the situation...but, women should treat the girlfriend with respect...that is just rude not to!

I have done as Phoenix suggested and let him see how the shoe feels when it is on the other foot!! LOL! It can make an impact!

women are evil ;P

LOL Lena! But, if we are upfront about our evil ways...doesn't that make it OK? LOL!

I'm a Leo.
But Star, I think the fact that we're up front about it makes it even worse.

Truthfully... it depends on the guy. Some guys are just magnets for women which will only make his girl more jealous. I personally am very easily trusting of men (or gullible if you prefer) so if a guy lavishes more attention upon me then the other girls then I don't have a problem. However, I don't trust women that much-when we want something most of us will go in and take it. As with Morgan- I would have to be friends with the guys friends in order to trust them completely. But in no way am I going to dictate to my guy that he can't have so-and-so as a friend.

LOL, you're better than me Gwen. If I was really worried, I'd become a monster.

Well, i think a lot of woman are afraid or embarrased to admit this is the way they feel. I am being brutally honest! If some of you women are so comfortable with this, then i guess you wouldn't mind your man going out with them also, huh? Like out to dinner or to a movie. I am sorry, there is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, but their should be boundaries. The female friends have to realize there's another woman in his life now.

I agree. They should all back off. (It would be better for their health.)

You are so cool morgan of mind. I don't know why people aren't more honest about this subject. The female friends should just look at it as if it were them and back the hell off! It would save a lot of problems.

Twinkee,

For starters I think you are right, but why dont you talk to your husband/bf you're not comfortable with the situation. I dont understand this, if he respected and cares about you, then why would he put you in that positon. He is going to come into contact with women once in awhile, but having women for friends?? I wouldnt put up with that, so why are you? I would have to tell him that it bothers me!!! If that didnt work I would tell all the girl friends some story like he has VD or something like that!!!

and if that didnt work it would be me or them! Make your choice. Do you want a stable and happy relationship or do you want friends—?

Oh Twinkee, I would be pissed as hell if my guy wanted to take another girl out to dinner or go to a movie with just her...if that is what is going on, then your bf is crossing a boundary (in my opionion, and forgive me if I'm wrong). That would be out of the question in any relationship of mine. And even if he just brought it up as a hypothetical ("what would you do if I...") the fight that would cause would be astronomical. I would become extremely suspicious as to *why* he would even think of taking another woman out. Anywhere. Especially alone. Now, as his girlfriend you have the right to put it to him like this: "I am this way, and this is what I need from you, and if you aren't willing to give me that then you need to -go-". But of course, you have to be prepared for the (hopefully unlikely) possiblity that he could say "I can't do what you want me to do" and he could go. But holy crap, I would be so pissed off at that point if he was always raising my suspicions like that, that I would probably want to know right then and there whether he could step up and knock it off and do the right thing in the relationship, and if he left at least I would know he couldn't cut it.

I just asked my mother this very question and her reply is this: The more the merry and it gets him off my back! LOL!!

That is suppose to say- the more the merrier( as in women) to much VINO with dinner! 🙂

It would depend on who the female IS. And of course the circumstances surrounding the movie / dinner thing. IF hubby was out with any female friend of ours, and had time to kill and wanted to see a movie, then sure, I have no problems with it..UNLESS it is a movie I haven't seen and hubby KNOWS it is one I wished to see...same goes with dinner.

BUT, if he met a complete stranger (to me) and did these things, it would not be acceptable...but it wouldn't even be an issue b/c hubby just wouldn't do it. Not b/c he has a high respect for me, but b/c he knows he would be a deep buttere.

Sounds like a strange situation you have going there Twinkee. It's hard to give a perspective without knowing specifics. Has your b/f known this chick for years? What was their previous relationship like? Does he include YOU in this friendship?

Or perhaps, it is a completely new chick on the scene that you may not even have met yet? If it IS someone new, then dinner and movie is a no no, b/c if that is the case then obviously it is not just a friendship with this chick your b/f is after, regardless of how he sugar coats it!

A long established friend (girl) is a different situation. The boundaries would have already been established b/w your b/f and his friend, and it has nothing to do with you...UNTIL it steps over the boundaries of your relationship with your b/f.

Whatever the situation, you have the right to feel pissed and even threatened, but maybe that is something you have to deal with yourself. Truth is, you can be in a relationship without trust, and have a miserable time, or you can choose to trust and be happy. IF something DOES happen...then the fault lies with your b/f and NOT any other female/ male/ animal your b/f chooses a relationship with. If he loves YOU then NO amount of flirting will catch his eye nor threaten your relationship.

Finally, and this may sound contrary to all I have stated above, trust your intution..it rarely fails us!

I worry about a guy that needs to hang around women anyway? What you could do is, dont let him know that it bothers you much and then on one of his little dinner/movie dates, you should disguse yourself and spy on him! Or you could invitie a male friend out and do the same thing. Maybe show up at the same places!

I think you are headed for trouble in the future. Good thing he is just a b/f and you are not married yet. Better to find out what he is like before it is too late. Launch him and find someone who has their priorities straight!

Thanks for your responses guys! I have met his female friends. I was introduced to them. I don't hang out with them and he doesn't either. These are women he has known for years before me. I don't like the fact that they just pop up to visit unannounced. Me and my man are practically neighbors and I see everything. But, i have met them and they seem to have men of their own. I still don't like it though. Everytime these whores have a problem they go to him. I mean, find you a female friend and quit playing damsel in distress with mine. I did tell him I didn't like it and he said if it bothers me he will let them know. He says one of them is suicidal and it would hurt her feelings. I guess I should feel guilty huh? I don't. He seems to be her only friend. Anyway, the two of them are getting on my nerves! This is going to turn very ugly. I have asked a couple of my friends about this and one said that I was too jealous. Yeah right! Coming from a woman who has never had a relationship! Anyway, next time one pops up, i will have words with her. No doubt. Oh and also, he does not go out with them. If he really loves and cares for me, he would drop them anyway. I mean this is somebody who claims he wants to marry me. I am so confused. I hope I have answered your questions. Thanks!

I was in that situation, Twinkee, and they werent damsels in distress they were very shrewed and after a man that was with someone else, me! They would use every trick in the book, illness, plumbing problems, etc...I never called someones husband when I need help, I do it myself or hire someone! I trusted my boyfriend, and one time he went out at night when I didnt want to go, and I heard all about it the next day from people that knew us and how they were angry at what went on behind my back. Apparently they were all over him and gropping and dancing alittle to close etc...I talked to him about it and he said yes they were acting that way and that is why he left early. So out of my past experiences I would be very leery! These women were relentless and just wouldnt stop until I put them in their place, and after that they stopped. BTW, they were more than just friends. He had slept with them both before he met me, but had no love just was sex and they wanted to make it something more. They stopped coming around after they knew he was not single anymore.
I think you are right and if he cares about you he knows it bothers you he will stop. You guys sound like you can work it out. Goodluck. I would do whatever it takes to please or make my man happy, even if it meant doing things I might not want to do, and I would hope he would do the same for me. That is called being unselfish and is a good quality to have.
Good Luck to you both
SuzyQ

Whoa! That would really bug me too...women playing the damsel in distress routine with my man! I understand friendship going back into the past...but, they shouldn't continue to prey on his good graces when they know that he is seeing someone...I don't know how they feel right about it. I would probably have words with them too! You are absolutely right...they need to either get through their crises situations on their own or with the help of their female friends!
Good luck!

No, you shouldn't feel guilty at all (re:suicide threat). The fact that your b/f is obviously a caring and sensitive person shows that he is a rare gem. Still, asking him to drop his friendships with them isn't a good way to have a relationship. It shows mistrust and jealousy and would you like it if your b/f decided who you were or were not to have as friends? Abit rich in my book...and not a good recipe for a lasting relationship.

You said they come to him in a crisis situation (so with women that could be every other day..lol). Seriously though, next time you see one pop in for a visit, head on over there yourself, and say "hi, saw you pull up, thought I'd come say hello. Anything wrong? Maybe I can help?" THIS way, they will realise that you a very big part of your b/f's life and are included in everything! They will either include you and accept your role in the relationship, or they will stop coming around (b/c the reasons for doing so were probably not genuine). A win win situation. You may even form a close and rewarding friendship with them. This way, you haven't placed unrealistic demands on your b/f but had made it public where you stand and that you MUST be included in all aspects of his life.

Saying that if he loved and cared for you he would drop them, shows your immaturity on this issue. You do sound rather jealous and need to chill out abit. Until one of his friends does or says something that isn't kosher, you should accept and embrace the situation, and IF something occurs that indicates anything other than friendship with your b/f, it is THEN you draw the line with THAT particular person.

He sounds like a really caring guy, don't blow it by being too demanding or controlling, caused by your insecurities...I am sure he loves YOU!!!!!!

Trust me on this. While most responses are contrary to mine, I have many many American male friends (and also female) who have told me thier perspectives on american women (as a generalisation)..and it isn't at all complementary....prove them all wrong!!!!!!!
(Disclaimer: the above statement is derived from opinions by friends and are not my own)

Lawgoddess! I am not only enamored of Libragirl, but, now you also! Damn Girl, you phrased that so well! I cannot do anything but weakly respond that I am in total agreement!

P.S. Loved the disclaimer! LOL!

Lawgoddess, out of curiosity what exactly do your American friends say about American women?

You are a very brave woman Phoenix. True, I want to know and I do not believe I am typical...but, I still commend your bravery!!

lol, aw thanks Star 🙂

I'm not about to get into an argument about it; I'm just curious to know. < that was *my* disclaimer. LOL 🙂

Yeah well, I recognize bravery when I see it! I have rescued a few fellow females from mice, bees, spiders, and harmless snakes!! LOL!

LOL Star you are so cute!! I still gotta e-mail you back from your last one by the way; sorry about that I just haven't had enough time for a quality one...and I need to email Luz too...I wonder how she's holding up on her trip! lol

Well, Lawgoddess, I don't believe that I am being immature at all. I am being a realist on this. If he loves me and knows this bothers me, he will do what it takes to make me happy. That's my opinion and it won't change. He has already told them to go away which is good. I am not insecure at all. I just like to be respected by these women.We are not in grade school anymore, so they can't be like they were then. Things change naturally. I do like your opinion on stopping to say hello when they pop up. I have done this before and the girl was terrified! It seems that my man told her how i felt about it which is good. He says I am very intimidating to women. Oh well! But anyway, next time, I will ask her if I can help. Thanks for the advice.

My eyes went a little cross-eyed tried to read everyone posts so I just gave up...

Really, would a guy just take out one of his guy friends to dinner? I personally have no problem with him taking a girl friend to movies or dinner... I may feel a little jealous but I rationalize things. If he's the kind of guy that would go out with a girl who is a friend (with certain intentions) while he has a girlfriend then it's not the kind of guy I want to be with. If he's going out with her only as friends, then he is the type I want. All that is left if figuring out which he is.

And I never agreed with the policy "them or me" It's not right to make a person choose between friends they've had all their lives and a girlfriend/boyfriend that has been around anywhere from a month to a year. I certainlyt wouldn't want to be restricted with my friendship activities with my male friends just because my boyfriend was jealous (though, just to point out, the signs of jealousy are very nice to see in a relationship- it shows he cares)