MEN

The Top 10 lies happy husbands tell

To your man, it's quite straightforward: honesty just isn't always the best policy. Well he would say that, wouldn't he? Keith Blanch tries to explain

1. 'Yes, that dress looks fine on you.'
Why he tells it: hassle avoidance

2. 'I can fix it.'
Why he tells it: ego protection

3. 'I was not looking at her breasts.'
Why he tells it: to achieve a delicate balance between marital harmony and four million years of biological conditioning

4. 'Nothing's wrong.'
Why he tells it: so that he can lick his wounds in private

5. 'I tried to call you.'
Why he tells it: self-defence

6. 'I don't want to have sex unless you want to.'
Why he tells it: to avoid seeming like a sex-crazed monkey

7. 'I'm the best, baby.'
Why he tells it: to make you glad you married him

8. 'My old girlfriend? She was just OK.'
Why he tells it: self-preservation

9. 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman.'
Why he tells it: desperate self-preservation

10. 'I'll never lie to you.'
Why he tells it: to live happily ever after

O.K.

How Men and Women Change the Oil (G)

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since
the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money Spent:
$ 20.00 Oil Change
$ 1.00 Coffee
----------------
$ 21.00 Total

Men:

1. Go to auto parts store and write a
check for $ 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand
cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container
is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole
in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking
for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in
process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it
off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change
tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath
car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of
clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of
fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
December (1992) in the left breast.

32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the
influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
$ 50 parts
$ 12 beer
$ 75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to
match!
$ 1000 Bail
$ 200 Impound and towing fee
---------------------------
$ 1337 Total