Predicamant

Firstly I would like to tell you the predicament I face always and it is not easy to live like this. Actually it bothers me quite abit but am used to it by now but still fight to not be this way even though I know I am loser as I can not fight this at all.

I am faced constantly with the decision to either be with my one true love or save humanity....

Sure some of you might feel yeh right this is such a stupid thing to be even talking about and do not understand anything at all but those of you who have and are going through or might yet to go through this I tell you it is not an easy thing to have to do.

I have already made my mind up about it and what bothers me is that it rather difficult to live like this and whats worse is the fact that I have already know who my true love is I just havent met him nor seen him ever but I feel that I know I do have one and that when this is all over it will be then that I can be with him. I need to sort myself out first and then do what I have to and then everything will fall into place.

Maybe I am viewing it a stupid way but this is how I feel and have always felt and that is why I can not be with anyone because I feel after a while that I should be doing other things and getting on with what I have to do. NOt only that I feel like I am keeping whoever I like safe by not being with them so its a case of having a single life and one night stands and dates and crap like to sort myself out or just refrain from that so I can concentrate on more important things like helping people and stuff. I just dont know anyone else who is like this or feels like this or am I deluding myself by feeling like this lots of thoughts go through my head regarding this issue and every single time I think thoroughly and calmly about it I always end up wanting to help others instead of self and thats just me.

Been accused of being a slut, whore, bitch, lazy, fat, stupid, selfish, etcetc by others and that I have no idea what I am talking about or been hated upon and had nasty things done to me and yet i still manage to want to 'help' ppl instead of being actually selfish and do what I really want to do which is lead a normal life just like everyone else with there white picket fences and community values and the like. I feel I am wrong in feeling like this. I have hurt many ppl and let down many ppl due to this desire to help others and it is my sincere hope that those ppl I have hurt previous and will still continue to hurt t

and will still continue to hurt to understand and know that I have to do my own thing and sort myself out so I can help others. It means I can not be with them coz after awhile it just feels wrong to be with them and I feel I should be doing other things like helping others. I just wish ppl would understand and know what it is I am trying to do and not continuely put it in my face for laughs or put it over me coz they hurt or are being idiots themselves. If they understood and knew what I was doing they wouldnt behave like such. Its a hard road to walk when you decide to help others and not yourself and then get accused of crap. Its like why am I doing this when I could be 'normal' just like everyone else. Yeh right I will pull the other leg. I will not let this decision to help others to stop me from living life far from it, if I want to have sex, drugs, alcohol, anything at all I will have it and I will learn from it coz that how I learn from experiencing such things. Anyway I sincerely hope that you will understand and know what it is I am doing and I am sorry if the things that I do hurt you I cant help that they do, I have to do things in order to learn even though it may seems stupid its something I have to do to understand and know within myself what it is I must understand and know. So instead of judging me and ridiculing and berating me coz I do what you perceive are stupid things, realise i am on my own path and have to learn what I need to and you must understand and know and learn what it is you have to. Once you understand this you will have no need to be angry at me for anything really coz you'd understand, see?

Two things .....

1. dxp isn't a diary

2. nobody cares about your mellow dramatic self victimization

1. You say that you never put yourself 1st. Well, how's that working for ya—! It's not!!!

2. Have you ever realized that there is a direct connection b/w how you treat yourself & how others treat you? You never take care of yourself & put yourself through self-inflicted wars. Sounds a lot like what other people put you through TOO right?

3. You talk about sacrificing yourself for others as if there is no way to change that. It's like you've given up. You claim yourself as a "loser," & make excuses for own "hell" by saying, "Well it's just how/who I am." The reason you won't change is not b/c you actually can't. No, the reason you won't change is b/c you keep telling yourself that you can't. Understand that you will do whatever you tell yourself you can do, and you WON'T do whatever it is that you tell yourself you can't do

4. You are living the Victim-mentality. Everyone hurts you, no one understands you, everybody is out to get you, etc. You are always the victim! You even victimize yourself b/c it's all you know

5. Has it ever dawned on you that this "perfect soul mate" you think is coming probably won't want something long-term with someone who considers themselves to be a loser, a victim in everything, stubborn to change, constantly causes self-inflicted wounds & has no love/respect for themselves— I can't believe you are fooling yourself into believing that even the most warm-hearted and understanding person would want this in a partner!

You think that by doing all of this is you somehow grooming yourself to be in some wonderful relationship in the future. Honey, get real! You are actually cutting your chances short by 99% ! The more you do these things & think with toxic mentalities, the more you'll self-destruct. And no one wants to or will want to be with someone like that.

I'm not saying you're unlovable. Just that it's highly selfish of you to be somewhere waiting on some love, relationship or soul mate to validate you & love you when you REFUSE to love & validate yourself!

6. How can you be of any help to others if you can't even help yourself? How can you offer a guiding light to others when your own light bulb has blown out? That's called being a hypocrite, not a humanitarian.

7. You speak of your mentalities as if they are doing you favors in life. They are hurting you & others, not helping you. If you're gonna cling to a way of life & thinking, the LEAST you can do is only cling to what actually works for you

...... If you're gonna cling to a way of life & thinking, the LEAST you can do is only cling to what actually works for you in a GOOD way! Accepting & bragging about something so poisonous to you & others, yet wondering why your life has become so toxic should be a no-brainer to you

You need to stand up, stop feeling bad for yourself, stop drinking the poison that's being handed to you by self & others, and get your life together!

If not, you will continue to live this miserable, misunderstood, unfulfilling & lonely life!

Not saying you shouldn't feel the way you feel. Feelings are feelings & you have the right to feel them. But life, and the way it turns out isn't based merely on your feelings. It's based on what you DO with those feelings; it's based on how you endure & overcome those negative feelings!

That is the only difference b/w happy people & miserable people! It's not that happy people are only happy b/c they haven't ever been through tough times or are somehow "lucky." Some of the happiest people on earth have a story much more horrendous than yours! BUT they've chosen to be bigger than their problems

And if you want to be happy, do what happy people do! Your life only sucks b/c you're choosing only to do what unhappy people do. You're following an unhappy person's pattern, so unhappiness will always be the result

And it's YOUR responsibility to acknowledge & change that! That's not the job of some future soul mate or partner or person you may have "helped." That is YOUR job. So do it! Use the energy you spend complaining & feeling sorry for yourself & use that same energy lifting yourself up!

If you choose to keep doing self-destructive things or thinking self-destructive thoughts, don't complain about the self-destructing results!

Thanks for the opinion, I am doing this already and this is what I am going through. I am not the one to wait for anyone to help me whether they be soul mate or something else. I have found that this is what happens to me that is all and I am the only one to sort it out by myself and that is why I wont ask for help to anyone coz everyone has there own crap they have to deal with and besides I just wanted know was anyone else going thru the same thing or know of anyone else but of course you are right everyone goes thru their own crap and deals with it the best they can.

2. nobody cares about your mellow dramatic self victimization
P-Angel, I dont victimize myself, sorry you see it that way. I was asking if anyone is at the level of choosing b/w true love or humanity love and what they would choose and how the decision is awful difficult and trying to explain that but of course didnt come out right did it, sorry if you preceive it to be 'a diary' and it came out to be the way you preceived was not meant to be that way at all.

One question you sound like my mother could you be? Hehe she betrayed my trust by looking thru my diaries when I was a teen and never forgiven her for that as I know it wrong for her to do that and not only that for anyone to do that. Still love her though. Wont handle somoene interfering with how I think and then broadcasting it to the world I will do that myself and thanks to gods that the web is available for me to do this. Easy medium to play dont you tihnk?

No plz dnt answer that, Yeh I would like to know if anyonw out there has gone thru similar thing or are going thru it now and what they have come up with and if it came acroos as a 'mellow dramatic self victimization' then that was never meant be obvious you look at things different then me. I was trying to explain how having to choose b/w the two decisions was affecting me and how I have to deal with it myself and not let other deal with it for me or ever get them involved for their own good. Obvious I am shit at explaining myself which why I dont bother to as noone could ever understand where I am at coz noone has ever been thru what I have been thru so yeh i guess theres no help just gotta thru and understand it myself. Stupid of me to ask in the first place. Oh my thinking is not self victimization its just trying to sort myself out. But then you could be right...mm let me think about that!

Virgo much?

Posted by mfwb55

... as noone could ever understand where I am at coz noone has ever been thru what I have been thru so yeh i guess theres no help just gotta thru and understand it myself.

... its just trying to sort myself out.

refer to #1