My best friend is in a unhealthy relationship D:

He's been seeing this girl for a year or so now, with periods of ignoring her and leading her on. He doesn't mean to do it, but it does happen. She's just as venomous for him, too. She'll play his emotions and get him to become jealous and get back together with her. For the sake of clarity, let's call him Bear and let's call her Moose (fav animals).

I feel like I'm explaining this badly...

A few months back I convinced Bear to cut off his "friends with benefits" status with Moose and to take a break from her for a while. This worked...for a few months. Then Moose tells me one day (she's sort of my friend too, but he's one of the two most important people in my life and I'm more concerned for his mental health than hers) that they are sleeping together. I confronted Bear about it about a month later, and in typical Gemini fashion he was rather "eh" about it. He did confirm it, but it didn't seem like a big deal to him, and in fact he seemed as if it was somewhat of an inconvenience to be quite frank. It's as if he's sleeping with her to keep her placated. During the time when he was ignoring her she was a shit-storm of emotions and rude words, picking a fight with him when she can.

She says she loves him, but I just don't think that's the case. It's more like she loves the IDEA of him, rather than him himself, and she tries to control and change him to suit her own needs.

Another thing is that Moose is ALWAYS with him. My other best friend (let's call her Owl) and I are getting irritated about this. He always seems to be in a sour mood with Moose when she's around, and he treats us like dirt. She acts similarly towards him, but is overly cordial and like, genuine with Owl and I, so we don't mind it so much. Individually, they are amazing to hang out with, but together it just seems like the whole thing is a total drag.

I feel as if Bear is looking to settle down, and he's comfortable with Moose, so he's aiming for her. But she is most certainly NOT looking for that, and they are going to be completely miserable together if they do.

I don't think they belong together and I really think if they separate and put all their relationship (friendly or otherwise) on hiatus for a good long while, they'll grow as people and I really want to help them be happy.

Bear is a Gemini, Owl and Moose are Libras (although they are similar, Owl is far more logical and in control of her emotional outbursts), and I am an Aquarian, for reference.

What do

Love how you used bear, moose, and owl..LOL..If they are not good for each other, then they have to figure it out on their own.

One of them, will eventually get tired of it

Posted by tiziani

... for two people you say are your friends and one your best friend, you haven't really explained anything about understanding what they do want. Rather, you spoken about what you think they don't want and what's not right for them.

If there is something wrong with them ...

How does an outsider know what is right or wrong?

Being in a whirlwind relationship full of passion is one of the greatest things in life. It doesn't last long, and there is as much dark as there is light, but, it's intense, and well worth the experience.

I want to know how you, xemmyQ, can stand on the ground that YOU know what they should or shouldn't do.

This is gossip, these people aren't here to speak for themselves ... and you are here attempting to sway peoples perspective regarding thier integrity?

wtf?

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by tiziani

... for two people you say are your friends and one your best friend, you haven't really explained anything about understanding what they do want. Rather, you spoken about what you think they don't want and what's not right for them.

If there is something wrong with them ...

How does an outsider know what is right or wrong?

Being in a whirlwind relationship full of passion is one of the greatest things in life. It doesn't last long, and there is as much dark as there is light, but, it's intense, and well worth the experience.

I want to know how you, xemmyQ, can stand on the ground that YOU know what they should or shouldn't do.

This is gossip, these people aren't here to speak for themselves ... and you are here attempting to sway peoples perspective regarding thier integrity?

wtf?

click to expand

I'm not asking to be patronized, I'm asking how to help them. They are visibly miserable, and it hurts my heart to see my friends in such a state.

If doing nothing helps them be happy in the long run then I will do nothing.

Posted by tiziani
I feel like, for two people you say are your friends and one your best friend, you haven't really explained anything about understanding what they do want. Rather, you spoken about what you think they don't want and what's not right for them.

There's no real weight in relating to someone through negatives and process of elimination. That's depressing.

If you want to help them move forward, my best suggestion is to focus on the positives.

"What do you want Bear?"

"What do you want Moose?"

"Are you getting what you want out of this?"

If you trust them as a friend, then you can ask questions like these and trust them to come to their own answers in their own time. Just as she can't change him, you can't change them. If there is something wrong with them, it's good to show faith in them that they can heal themselves. Affirmation goes a long way towards helping people to move forward.

You are right. I do need to talk to them. I'm just not sure how to approach them about it. I'm concerned for their mental health.

But thank you for your advice. As there was meaningful and actually helpful advice. I will try to do this. I just needed to deliberate over it first, and get an outside opinion.

(More on this, for clarification)

This is simply what I perceive.

Bear is looking to settle down. He's told me as much in the past, back when he was being strung along by some girl. He wanted to settle with her, and she convinced him she did too, for a while, but then she decided he was not what she wanted. It really tore him up. I don't see why settling down should not still be a thing that he wants.

I don't know Moose very well, aside from what Bear has told me and what I have learned on my own from her, and as far as I can tell she only wants his company, for as long as she can get it. I don't know if that means she wants to settle down as well, but it might?

They're good people. I just...feel as if this is going to end horribly and they won't be able to repair their friendship. They're good friends, and if you take away the emotional drama, they get along really well.

But if that's what I have to do for them to be happy overall I will sit and do nothing, but only as a last resort.

Knowing Bear, though, he thinks he doesn't deserve anyone better and deserves to be miserable. He doesn't realize what an amazing person he is, and how good of a friend he is. He's got no self-esteem, and I think it's unjustified for him to be so hard on himself.

Do them both the favor of keeping your nose to your own business

You have absolutely NO grounds to decide what is right or wrong for them .... you obviously have control issues. Perhaps you should get that checked out.

Were you and beer ever an item ? Is it maybe that YOU are interested in beer ? Or maybe the other way around ? Just wondering.
(beer = bear, by the way) 😉