A grind

There is a girl that I like, and her opinion of me seems to change with the wind. Two months ago she thought I was a really nice guy. Now she thinks I am really annoying and retarded. I'm really inexperienced with women, and I want to figure out a way to get her attention again in a way that won't annoy her. Any ideas?

Ignore her...pay her less attention than you normally would. If she thought you were an okay guy before, she'll start to pay you the attention. If she never liked you she'll be relieved any never speak to you again.

Try it

I'm a leo, and she's a libra. She could have just been using me to get free drinks, because she only started being nice after I bought her a drink, but I did only buy her one, and she was nice for quite some time after that, so who knows. I know her through a mutual friend, and he was out of town, and she wanted to go to the gym, but she wouldn't go with just me, so I tried to figure out why and convince her to go, and she got annoyed... Our mutual friend also informed me that his other friends that she hangs out with think I'm annoying, so I've deleted them all from my myspace friends list and don't plan on hanging out with them again. I probably won't see her again for some time, but I don't know.

Then distance yourself from them all. She doesnt deserve your attention. Be nonchalant and indifferent towards her, girls usually like the guys that don't pay them any attention...its kind of an ego bruiser, which gives us a challenge in trying to get your attention. In your case just leave her alone, she seems like she'll use you, because your so annoying, which comes off as desperate and pathetic...this may seem harsh, but its true for some girls.

Whats the revenge, ignoring her?

*** I know her through a mutual friend, and he was out of town, and she wanted to go to the gym, but she wouldn't go with just me, so I tried to figure out why and convince her to go, and she got annoyed...

Why did you keep pressing? There is something very unsettling about men who don't accept no as an answer. It is a safety issue and rings bells in the back of a girl's head, even if they aren't concious of it. She may have like you in a romantic way, but that would be enough to seal the door.

My theory is that she wasn't interested or was interested in someone else. She thought you were a nice guy and liked you, perhaps not in a romantic way, but liked you all the same. She didn't want you to get the wrong idea or she has a thing for someone else and didn't want that person to get the wrong idea and decided a buffer was needed, which is why she didn't want to go alone with you. Not to mention, you are a stranger and she may have felt the need to get to know you better first.

You wouldn't take no for an answer and annoyed her.

Damage done. Learn from it.

Well she hadn't said no, she said she wasn't sure, but yeah, I should have just let it go anyway.

Banini, we really have no idea what kind of a person you are. We only know what you tell us and some of what you've told us is: 1) this girl thinks you're annoying, 2) your friends think you are annoying, 3) she doesn't want to go somewhere alone with you for reason above, and 4) she will tolerate you if you are buying her something.

Perhaps, instead of ignoring your friends and deleting them from your life; or getting revenge for something that you didn't even do (you gave, mate . . . you didnt' take). That means you didn't do anything to deserve this treatment. So, this leaves one thing to ponder . . .

. . . why do people see you as annoying? I'm not saying you are, you certainly don't appear this way in this community. This is something YOU said, a way that your friends percieve you. Why?

Maybe, in figuring that out . . . you will be set free.

Okay, well these people aren't really MY friends, they're my roommate's friends. I used to hang out with them because he did, and I was hanging out with him. I think the reason they think I'm annoying is because I'm really different from them in a lot of ways. The hate the music I listen to, they all smoke, I don't, and when we go to bars I always order weird drinks. They've never been terribly accepting of my differences, so I tend to feel out of place, and I suppose that I act more annoying as a result, like I'm trying to get attention or something.

Oh, Banini, I see. So, you're not annoying, that's just what they tell you. The truth is, you don't have a lot in common and they don't appreciate your uniqueness.

That happens a lot, unfortunately. People only like what THEY like and if you be yourself, and not join the gang . . . they will say all kinds of things in their defense because they feel guilty for their own weakness.

Just be yourself, if you want to drink differently and not smoke . . . then that's ok, mate. That's not being annoying. It's them not being aware of themselves.

There's a someone out there for you. You'll find her/him.

I have to add something here. Most people see me in opposition and are probably wondering why I'm being so nice to you. The reason is simple: In your original post, you spoke of yourself as being just you, your nice qualities and bad. I'm a promoter of people being REAL and knowing who they are. There was no boasting and bragging on yourself with the intentions of making yourself bigger than you are.

Very admirable quality and being humble will get you EVERYWHERE in this life. You just wait . . . you'll see . . . your life will bring you joy in knowing who you really are and not being afraid to be that person, instead of projecting an image that's false.

Peace.

We only know what you tell us and some of what you've told us is: 1) this girl thinks you're annoying, 2) your friends think you are annoying, 3) she doesn't want to go somewhere alone with you for reason above, and 4) she will tolerate you if you are buying her something.

this is backwards.

He bought her a drink. She said wow what a nice guy. They start hanging out as friends with other friends. He wants to go to the gym with her. She says she isn't sure (could be a number of reasons including she had tentative plans, the other two I mention). He keeps pushing. He is disrespectful. She gets annoyed and is labeled annoying.

It has nothing to do with his uniqueness or lack of things in common. He didn't see the boundary and stepped over it. Hence why they think he is annoying.

If he does anything at this point, he becomes even more annoying because it is approval seeking from the group. People don't like that. His best to act like the cat that fell off the fence and pretend the whole thing didn't happen. Just be cool and not mention it again.

Eventually, they will re-examine his status in the group.

"His best to act like the cat that fell off the fence and pretend the whole thing didn't happen. Just be cool and not mention it again.

Eventually, they will re-examine his status in the group."


Because ACTING and PRETENDING is better than being yourself . . . that way, someday they MIGHT accept you.

Bullshit . . . be yourself, mate. Be who you are and don't let anyone tell you differently. You'll find people who will accept you for who you are and to them you will find honor and dignity.

It isn't about not being who you are. It is about having social grace. Developing your social skills can be the most important thing you ever do.

Totally agree with that little sparrow, however . . .

Changing yourself for the sake of another's approval is wrong. Your friends accept you for who you are, or, they aren't friends and that is what you were suggesting.

The definition of social grace is NOT being submissive and joining in with a gang and start smoking. That's giving into pier pressure, it's wrong and every adult knows this.

No one is suggesting he start smoking. That isn't the problem. The problem seems to be stemming from the fact he crossed a boundary with a girl. He was pushy and overbearing.

He needs to learn the lines. Once he starts understanding where the lines are (and almost EVERYONE has a problem with this at some point in their life) the smoother his life will go. And the only way to learn, is really to watch, listen, and ask trusted folks.

🙂

I can't see where your coming from, Sparrow.

Sorry, I'm trying to get a grip, but, I can't see it.

He wasn't abusive, she was. To try and talk to someone to find out why they don't like you is not intrusive. How do we know something if we don't ask.

He took advantage of him and when he tried to probe to find out why she didn't like him, now all of a sudden he's this man would won't take no for an answer.

I can't see it, I re-read his posts and I can't see that anywhere in his description of events. I can see it in your interpretation, but, not his accounts.

Actually, I don't think he was abusive. He cross the boundary.

I don't think she was abusive either. She decided after his pushy behaviour that she didn't like him.

*** He took advantage of him and when he tried to probe to find out why she didn't like him, now all of a sudden he's this man would won't take no for an answer.

Who took advantage of him? He bought her one drink in two months and that is taking advantage? I don't think so. I buy my friends drinks all the time. They buy me drinks all the time. That is a normal way of making frineds.

It has to do with the gym. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to go alone with him. (Could be for a number of reasons.) He should have said "well, I am going on Sunday at 7 ... offer is still open. Let me know if you want to come."

He didn't have to probe or push anything. He could have given her time to think about it and get back to him. this is where he went wrong.

I agree, thats totally where I went wrong. Like, I wasn't trying to act pushy, I thought of it as just a playful nudge, but she doesn't know me very well so how would she know that? I'm enjoying learning from all this though, which I think is part of the problem, because it encourages me to mess things up so I can learn. There are actually some other girls I'm interested in, but I just liked a lot of things about this particular one.

*** Like, I wasn't trying to act pushy, I thought of it as just a playful nudge, but she doesn't know me very well so how would she know that?

That is okay. Now you know. A lot of men make this mistake. But now you have the advantage over them, because you learned what went wrong. 🙂

Yay! I still hope she gives me another chance so I can apply what I've learned and see what happens. Not that I can't apply it to other interests.

Exactly!

I suppose it would be stupid to invite her to go to the gym today...

Are you still into her? Maybe you are annoying...have you been ignoring her like we've stated over and over? You seem like a nice guy, find a girl that has something in common with you and who WILL reciprocate some of the feelings you have or atleast not think of you as annoying...

I suppose it would be stupid to invite her to go to the gym today...

yes. it would be. lol!

I've been totally ignoring her since I think the 10th.

I kind of want to send her a message that says something like this, but then you guys would probably lose respect for me:

I know that its kind of retarded to be sending you this message, but I don't care. I would still like to hang out with you sometime, and again I apologize for being so annoying. A lot of it was deliberate, I just didn't realize it would bother you so much that you wouldn't want to talk to me anymore. I imagine you probably think it's lame and stupid that I'm humbling myself to you, but I'm doing it because I honestly feel bad for not being able to recognize how much I was really bothering you. If you can't appreciate that, then no, you're not worth my time, and you should go jump in front of a bus. Don't do it in front of the short yellow one because I don't want to watch. Ha ha. But, if you can appreciate it, that would be really cool. And, if I'm bothering you now with this message, I apologize for that as well.

jrussou, I would only go out with her if she quit smoking anyway.

Don't. Send. The. Message. Just be normal with her from now on. Just stop teasing or whatever else you were doing that was really bothering her. Just be normal. And be like the cat who fell off the fence. 🙂


(BTW, Libras REALLY hate to be annoyed .... and getting that message would be annoying.)

Haha. What did the cat that fell off the fence do?

What did the cat that fell off the fence do?

Got up and pretended no one was watching. 😉

hey, I don't have issues with confidence. I would feel totally confident saying what that message says. I would only humble myself to someone like that if I actually felt like I needed to, not because they expected me to. I wouldn't apologize for something that I didn't do, or something I did and didn't feel bad about. And no, I don't imagine that she would quit smoking for me. I don't imagine she would do anything for me, but if I'm ever in a situation where a girl who smokes and I are interested in developing a romantic relationship, I would tell them it would only happen if they quit. Just to clarify things.

That's what happens when you listen to someone who tries to tell you that you should be someone you're not, such as what's going on in here.

People would tell you that you are annoying and you should change yourself. Now, people are thinking that you would tell them to change. You are getting all kinds of mixed signals in here.

When in fact, the only thing you need to do is just be yourself, if someone doesn't accept that, then move on until you find someone who will accept you for who you are.

You know, yeah, find someone who will accept me sure, but this isn't about that as much as it is about the fact that I annoyed the crap out of her and wouldn't let go, and thats why she isn't talking to me. I did most of it on purpose, so it's not me, it's what I did. What I want to do is figure out a way to redeem myself, and if I can't then I can't. If I can, then I will, but I haven't had any genius ideas yet. If you guys think the only way to do that is just forget about it and ignore her, then thats probably what I'll do, but if there's a faster way, please tell me.

There's going to be many people who come and go in your life. She's not the only fish in the sea. Banini, if she doesn't want you to be friends with her, leave it's over. If you think that you did something wrong, then use that as a learning tool in the future when you find another who attracts you.

It's not the mistakes we make in our life that matters, as much as, how we grow from those errors. Without pain, there is no gain.

You can't cry over what has been . . . just make sure you put yourself in a place that won't cause you to cry in the future by making the same mistakes again.

That's the only thing you can do. People in here, as it appears, will tell you that you are annoying and pushy. That you are lacking confidence. None of this is true and you know within yourself that you aren't any of those things. There's no difference from people in here telling you that then these people in your real life who would tell you the same thing.

Banini, in general, people are envious of those people who stand up for their convictions because they lack the courage to do it themselves in life. From what I've read from this thread, you are not afraid to stand for what you believe in. There is honor in that, though, it may not be apparant to you now. But, if you let someone pressure you into being who THEY want you to be, rather than who you are yourself, then you'll continue to fall flat on your face because you won't find any personal growth from within yourself. There is nothing for you to learn if all your failures were a direct influence from someone else.

Maybe you did annoy the crap out of her, like you said. But, that doesn't make you an annoying person, it just means you screwed up. We all make mistakes, don't let it beat you down to the ground. And one way to let it beat you is by accepting another persons assessment of you.

Only YOU know who YOU are. That is your rock . . . stand on it.

Someone said, "Ignore her...pay her less attention than you normally would. If she thought you were an okay guy before, she'll start to pay you the attention."

That's just playing a head game. Ignore her and then she'll pay attention? You wouldn't want someone to do that to you. Play with your feelings like that, that's awful.

You have to always put yourself in the other persons place, view it from all sides and then you'll see that you wouldn't like it if someone messed with your heart like that. Don't play games, don't change yourself to suit someone else.

Be Banini and say, "I'm me and that's ok."

I don't think I'm letting it beat me into the ground, and I've never thought I was an annoying person. I can be, but at my core I know I'm not. I don't accept other people's assessments of me, but I will listen to them and consider them to see if I can make a better assessment of myself.

Cool. You got it, mate. You know who you are. You're going to find true happiness in this world because you are open minded, self aware, confident and courageous.

Some day the right he/she is going to come along and I wish you all the happiness.

Peace

Well, thank you, but I'm still interested in trying to redeem myself.

This may be a futile attempt, you know.

If she already has the notion that you are annoying, then won't it still appear this way if you nudge more?

Perhaps, redemption is in shaking off the dust and pushing forward.

However, you know yourself better than I, or anyone else, so, if you feel this is your right path, then I trust your judgement.

Good Luck.

Well, actually, a few months before I bought her that drink, she didn't like me either. I don't know if she thought I was annoying, but she didn't like me. Then she did, or it seemed that way, now she doesn't again. I think with the right approach I could get her to give me another chance, I just don't know what that approach is.

Alright, so, I like, messaged her on myspace again, and she freaking wrote back. She said she had too much on her plate right now to hang out. I don't get why she would even bother telling me that at this point. I really don't know what to think, other than like if she really didn't want anything to do with me, wouldn't she just completely ignore me, or block me? Then I replied because I couldn't resist joking that she was overeating (too much on her plate?) and so all the more reason to go to the gym with me.