Controll Freak B.F.F..HELP!!

I have a controlling friend. (well she tries to be at least). In the 15 years that I have known her, every time I meet a guy that I like she loses her mind. She has this anxiety that I will no longer want her in my life if I have a man in my life. I think this stemmed back when we were teenagers, her mother always told her not to trust me so much because as soon as I meet a guy I would be gone. Here we are 17 yrs later. She has the same routine of every guy I meet it's a. He used to have a crush on her b. He'll never marry me c. If he does marry me I'll be miserable. Then she encourages me to keep my options open and to meet new guys. It's good advice when your dating but her intentions are for me not give the one I am actually into any importance. She creates dillusions that whatever guy i'm with is beating me (which has never happened) and acts like I'm a battered women and as my "bff" she needs to rescue me. She uses this "bff" title as some sort of official title that gives her authority to have this control over me. Mind you she is married with 3 kids. I don't understand how she finds the time to keep up with me. Her husband or any of her past boyfriends have always hated me and I see now that I probably would not be so fond of my significant other's "bff" if I noticed that he had a strange obsession with him or her. I don't like to be controlled and have been ignoring her calls as she is getting really "crazy" lately. She call's or texts at least once a day. Yesterday she called my mom's work looking for me and when my sister answered she went on and on to tell her that I have been acting different lately ever since this guy. I met this guy 3 years ago and she feels like i'm acting different now suddenly. I have plenty of male and female friends that I hang out with regularly and don't interfere in my personal life. Regaurdless of whats going on with me, I am 31 years old and I don't need some psycho stalker so called "bff" telling me how to live my life. She's been sending me these creepy "see u soon 🙂" texts lately and I don't want to call the police on a person that I have been freinds with more than half my life.

What do I do to make her understand that I don't need her telling me how to live my life and if I don't wish to talk to her bec she is going through one of her psycho phases she needs to respect that and leave me alone?

I see you haven't changed .... still causes shit, and then acting innocent.

You are absolutely right! You are a grown azs woman & regardless of the hardships you supposedly face in your OWN relationship, there should still be a LINE that is drawn! In other words, no matter how good a friend or family member she is, she needs to know her place!

Perhaps there is some truth to her claims that you change whenever you seem to meet a new guy. Perhaps, she is right. And I say this b/c you've said so yourself that the minute you get a new guy, you immediately put your guard up against her. For understandable reasons though, but STILL I'm sure she notices, even if she blaims this "defensive wall" you keep putting up on the new guys coming into your life. Perhaps you do change SLIGHTLY whenever you meet a new man, as most women do; perhaps she is just exaggerating exactly how MUCH you actually change.

Seems to me that this woman is immensely jealous of you. Sounds like she is only concerned with her happiness. Sounds like you both are engaged in a parent-child relationship friendship. Problem is, you two are both grown women & regardless of how poorly she feels your decisions with males are, she still needs to know her place. She should NOT be loosing more sleep over your battles/relationships more than you do! There is no getting around this! This woman is extremely territorial, possessive & in fact even obsessed with you. This would be no different than if your boyfriend or male friends were exhibiting the same behaviors towards you.

If I were you, I'd just walk away. Since you two have been friends for so long, I highly doubt that trying to explain this to her will work. Sounds like this woman is stuck in her ways and that she's CONVINCED herself that her opinions of how she perceives the person you become when you're out dating, are correct. Just walk away. And if you do, make sure that the family/friends she is contacting as a means to relay messages to you/speak of you, are in on this too! Also, maybe it'd help if you stopped sharing so much with her about your personal life in that area (dating). And even in that case, what's the point of having a best friend (or friend period) if you can't fully be/share yourself with them? Seems like she always makes it a point to make your dating experiences about HER & HER feelings.

This friend of yours is the perfect reason behind why they say, "Misery loves company." Just b/c she is married and has a family doesn't mean that she is content and/or happy. I highly doubt that she can show such signs of jealousy, possessiveness and a territorial attitude towards only YOU. I'm sure that she's the same "misery loves company/exaggerating" person within her own home life with her family and husband.

If I were talking to her (instead of you) I'd quickly advise her that if she's loosing so much sleep over YOUR decisions, she needs to 1. Stop emotionally attaching herself to YOUR situations as if they were her own (which explains why she becomes so passionate about this) 2. Ask you nicely not to share so many things with her (she can't judge/misinterpret what she doesn't know & 3. To cut you off as a friend completely if your decisions are bothering her THAT damn bad. If I were speaking to her instead of you, I'd advise her to take some of the responsibility back. Not only do you have a responsibility to limit the information about your dating life/boyfriends that you know up front she "can't handle," BUT it is also her role to limit the intake of the personal details you share with her.

If she's going to keep you around as a friend, and best friend at that, she needs to learn to accept you, flaws & all. And if she can't do that, then it's not fair to either of you to keep sticking around in the same ole unsatisfactory friendship, b/c if you both do, one person will always lose and/or feel inferior to the other person. If she can't accept you for who you are, then she herself needs to let you go, & especially since she can become so unnecessarily passionate about things that don't even concern her. Stop telling her everything. Stop jumping when she says jump. Stop feeding into/entertaining her. She'll get the message across much better that way, trust me!

Hahahahaha p-angel and Gemtaur are SO helpful, aren't they? lol

Kry your so right about me sharing way too much with her. Maybe it's because I myself listen to her and anyone else for that matter and her issues in a non judgemental way and do my best to give her complete unbiased advice ONLY when she asks for it that it makes me feel like everyone else is just like me. But her husband is no where near perfect neither is her life and nobody else's either. She barely has any time to see me or hang out with me since she's gotten married and I never thought twice or felt regection or neglected. I don't really say much at all anymore as I have learned my lesson but I can't even bring up his name with out her calling me the next day and telling me all the wonderful expensive gifts her husband bought her or things he did for her. And I'm totally happy for her except I hate that she's only telling me all this to trump my positive experience I shared with my man. It's so lame esp when i'm not even trying to compete with her relationship with her husband.

Your also right about the parent-child relationship friendship bec when we met I was 13 and she was 15. Not a big age difference but I was still a preteen and she was already in high school dating, make up, going out, driving etc etc so she feels like she "raised" me.

I have gotten used to her over the years so i've learned to ignore it but the straw the broke the camels back was about a month ago when she called me a couple times and I was too busy to talk so I didn't answer 1 day then she text me the next day at night asking me lyrics to a song as if i'm google lyrics search engine or something. I didn't reply to that either as I didn't know the lyrics nor did I have time to reply. I also know her well enough to know that she was more in search of a reply from me. The next couple days she called my phone repeatedly. I sent her a text saying "When I receive a call my caller id on my phone shows me who's called and when I have a minute I will return the call if I decide I want to. There's no reason to be so controlling that you need to call me so many times insisting that I answer your calls and speak to you." Ofcourse she took offence to this and went on a text message rampage. She sent like 20 long texts going on and on about God only knows what since I deleted them all without reading them. She then would text me as if nothing happened and would call daily. I would not respond at all. I decided I don't need her in my life and to walk away as you sa

..as you said to do but she was relentless and continued with her phone calls and texts. Then yesterday I get her creepy see you soon text and I get to work and my sister tells me that she called and she misses you and shes concerned blah blah blah. I text her telling her that she needs to stay away from me and my family. She flips out again going nuts with her mean and nasty texts. All I could reply to her was if thats how you feel then I don't understand what you want from me?? I had to block her calls and texts because It was hard to focus at work with these constant harassing messages. I sent her a final email that her husband also recieves since they share an email address (talk about controlling husband) asking her nicely to stop harrassing me. She turned the entire thing around to make it look like I'm the one bugging her and I'm crazy, psycho etc etc.

She could not get to me emotionally as I did not let all her hurtful messages get to me so I was only responding calmly to her asking what do you want from me??

And her reply was to go away and to leave her alone and she has no time for all of this and then she went to tell me that I have no money no family and no friends and I got what I deserved. More delusional failed attempts to get under my skin.

Your right people do change when they are in a new relationship or if they get a new job or if they pick up a new hobby. Thats life and I'm sorry that I'm not that 13 year old little girl that she met 17 years ago. I hope she got the hint and will finally back off this time. I don't have the energy for such negativity.

P-Angel and Gemtaur I'm so happy for the both of you that you have each other 🙂. Thank you both for your input.

Gem I've already blocked her but its kind of annoying when she's calling my family to get info about me and putting thinmgs in there mind like I'm in an abusive relationmship causing my family to worry. I don't discuss my personal life with family so it makes them feel like I'm not telling them about the "abusive controlling" guy I'm supposedly dating. I've made the mistake of sharing things with her in the past but it's Little things like him being at my birthday party will spark a jelouse rage in her. I will admit that I wasn't sure if this was her issue so just to test her a couple times I mentioned he was going to take me on vacation or told her of a few nice things he did for me and sure enough the next day she went berzerk again.

Btw gem. Ur a grown acz women talkin smack to people you don't even know.

Isn't this what these "RELATIONSHIP" forums are for??

Posted by gemtaur
First of all, there is no such thing as a happy crab, so I sense some denial issues on your part.

Exactly! and lets not forget how sensitive the fake-happy crabs can really be!

@Happy: I agree with you in regards to your comments towards those who are ignorant. Sure, every blue moon there are times when I've read someone's stories & said, "That person is an idiot for putting up with this/that" but at the same time, NONE of us would be fooling anybody if we constantly pretended like we've never been put in some of these situations ourselves. And even if we haven't, those who come to this site to read the "drama" are just as bad as those who start drama. I won't judge you no matter how differently I would've handled the situation.

People don't come to this site that often to brag about their wonderful lives. Usually, they are here to vent and/or seek advice on problems/issues they are currently facing. For those who thrive off of these "dramas" we all read, how wise would it be to judge someone and/or make them feel like crap for going out of their way to ask for our advice? Not wise at all! I'm sure there are PLENTY of circumstances/situations we've ALL been in that others could've possibly snared their noses up at us for. What does that solve? If the people here who are so judgemental feel so superior to those who genuienly need advice, then it makes just as much sense for them to take their high-and-mighty attitudes somewhere else!

It's quite ignorant to come to a website designed for those who need advice, just for anyone to turn their backs on that person & in return, make those people feel bad for needing advice. When this happens, the person needing advice ends up spending more time explaining/defending themselves instead of getting down to the nitty gritty of the issue for which they shared their stories in the 1st place

@Happy:
If I were you, I would just stop entertaining it all. Tell your family what it is & ask them to cooperate with and/or to respect the decisions you've made to let her go as a friend. That way, they too will learn not to entertain any of her BS regardless of how many times she calls them. She's using them as a messenger-system to get to you b/c she's under the impression that going through your family as a means to get to you, actually works. Well, make sure your family/friends are on the SAME page as well so that she will no longer get this impression; hopefully, then she'll start getting the hint.

You did right in blocking her and/or tuning her out. After all, it became very clear a long time ago that with her she will always be the "winner," even if these victories exist only in her head. She feels that how she perceives you & your life style are correct, & once someone's mind is made up, there is often little you can do. Instead of spending the rest of your friendship and perhaps even life trying to get her to accept and/or understand you, just cut the strings loose. If you were THAT bad in her eyes, she should've cut the strings instead of continuing to remain passionate about YOUR battles/circumstances, all just for the sake of complaining and bxtching later. If anything, she could've spared herself of your supposed "drama" since you are supposedly just THAT bad.

This woman thinks that you are her child..someone whom what she says, goes! This woman has tremendous problems with control. And even though you cannot control how controlling she is, you CAN though stop giving her ammunition (I.E. telling her too much). And from what you're saying, it's sounding like you finally did put a stop to this parent-child friendship. Good for you! She may continue to rant & rave for a little while longer, as most childish adults will throw tantrums when they don't get their way, BUT eventually she will get the hint, stop & probably move on to establish the same parent-child friendship with someone else. Oh well, better them than you!

@kry: It's kind of ironic because these negative people who come on these message boards and slam those who are seeking advice kind of remind me of my crazy friend. I come sharing my story and in return get slammed in all sorts of directions about things that I don't even recall asking for advice about and then being accused of leaving things out or distorting facts. Am

Back to the issue at hand...I read an article about control freaks http://home.comcast.net/~pobrien48/Control_freaks.htm and used some of the tactics described on her and it actually worked. I wasn't responding to her madness. I didn't let her effect me emotionally. I reminded myself that what ever she was saying was a shot at my self esteem. And only responded with sure sounds good, thanks, and if u say so. I haven't heard from her in a couple days so hopefully she's got the hint and moved on.

@Happy: Exactly. They say you have to kill people with kindness. You not entertaining or responding to her insults in the way you probably used to is probably what's throwing her off. She's probably so used to you falling for her antics. She's so used to having you right where she wants you. I'm so glad & proud of you for switching things up & throwing her off course. Sometimes a person has to take the power/control back & I'm glad that you did.

Now, the hardest challenge is in staying consistent. Now that you've made your feelings & standards clear, the only way she'll take what you say/do seriously is if you stick with it. This other lady is half way through her liftime already. She's already who she's meant to be & I doubt that is going to change. If you do not remain consistent and/or if you allow her back into your life, she will remain the same control-freak person that you ended up cutting off. So if you're serious about not needing that kind of friendship in your life, then you have to SHOW yourself (AND her) better than you can tell yourself (and her) that you mean business.

People change. People grow apart. Who someone is at 20 may not be who they end up becoming when they reach their 30's. You can't be friends with someone based off who they USED to be. It's all about who that person CURRENTLY is. And if who she is isn't satisfying or beneficial to your life then you've gotta do what you gotta do. Good luck =)

Posted by &2gedanow
Hahahahaha p-angel and Gemtaur are SO helpful, aren't they? lol

Hahaha... yea actually, I am kinda leaning towards what they say... 15 - 17yrs and you are using the BFF tag?

This seems to be a recurring theme with Cancers I know. You put up with stuff... because... —

e.g. I went to hang out with a Cancer as 'twas her bday like a week ago or so, and she proceeds to spend over 4hrs telling me about her friend that she has know for many centuries (ok maybe not but it was at least a decade, sometime in the 90s!). She told me how 'stupid' this friend was and chronicled all the crap this 'friend' had done in the past century. I just kept asking her, "why are you friends if you think she's so stupid?" She never really gave a response and kept going on about all the stupid stuff the 'friend' does... I just blanked out @ that point.

I really will like to know why put up for so long... ? you crab in and not able to let go despite all indications?

@Zen: I think that's something even she won't know the answer to. And even if she did have the answer, it still wouldn't change/take back all the years that she let continue.

Any sign that lives in their emotions (Cancer or not) will take longer to emotionally attach AND detach from someone. Plus, sometimes there's nothing wrong with not being quick to give up on someone. HEll, I'm sure there are a few things about ALL of us that our friends have complained about numerous of times. It's not always about 1 person always having the complaints. People are human and even worse, we're ALL different. Sometimes 2 people can be compatible but yet share alot of differences..differences that just happen to be very annoying simply BECAUSE they're differences.

I'm sure she saw alot of the good in her friend. Perhaps, at 1 time the goods were outweighing the bads & that might be why she stayed. Either way, it seems like the bads have now started to outnumber the goods & in this case, she made the right decision by surrending & giving up on the friendship. There's nothing wrong with accepting someone, flaws & all. And if there was, there wouldn't be a single marriage out there that lasted longer than 5 years! I guess it's about picking & choosing your battles. It's about figuring out which people are worth it enough that if they take you through an emotional rollercoaster, your love/respect for the friendship/relationship will over-ride the typical responses most of us have to people we are not as attached to; responses like "I'm done" or "I give up."

Posted by zenalchemy

Posted by &2gedanow
Hahahahaha p-angel and Gemtaur are SO helpful, aren't they? lol

Hahaha... yea actually, I am kinda leaning towards what they say... 15 - 17yrs and you are using the BFF tag?

This seems to be a recurring theme with Cancers I know. You put up with stuff... because... —

e.g. I went to hang out with a Cancer as 'twas her bday like a week ago or so, and she proceeds to spend over 4hrs telling me about her friend that she has know for many centuries (ok maybe not but it was at least a decade, sometime in the 90s!). She told me how 'stupid' this friend was and chronicled all the crap this 'friend' had done in the past century. I just kept asking her, "why are you friends if you think she's so stupid?" She never really gave a response and kept going on about all the stupid stuff the 'friend' does... I just blanked out @ that point.

I really will like to know why put up for so long... ? you crab in and not able to let go despite all indications?

click to expand

Yeppers ... 1. if a person is really not a friend, then stop bitching about her alledgely being one, and 2. if a person isn't a friend, it's not their fault, it's YOUR fault for the submission.



The day a person learns that subjectivity is a choice ... is the day they free themselves from the disgruntlements they cause themselves.

Of course, that ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ is assuming that they don't want the drama.

Exactly Kry!! You cannot go about relationships like a nazi and cut them off as soon as you find a flaw in them. Also, i've never been one to hold grudges and don't like people who do. The first time we "fell out" I didn't speak to her for almost 4 years and when we were in contact again she called to wish me a happy birthday (a nice gesture) and at that point she had gotten married and had her first child and was pregger's with her second. I figured she probubly doesnt have to time to meddle in my life anymore and i saw her once a month (if that) and spoke to her once a week (if that). That's no where near how much time we used to spend with each other as teens. When she began exhibiting her same old crazy ways from before I am cut her off and my problem was she was practically stalking me in response to me ignoring her calls and texts.
Zena, I don't know why your friend keeps her "bothersome" friend around but in my case if you read the initial post I have cut her off. As Kry said we did communicate and connect on certain levels that I don't really connect with others. She has a lot of great qualities but as soon as she crossed the line I ended the friendship so I don't see were I am anything like your friend.
To give some further background about the situation she is a Taurus and I don't know how relavant that is to this situation but this bull has a HUGE ego. Part of her not backing down until she got to the bottem of what my problem was because she knew that she was at fault and her ego would not let our friendship end with her being the bad guy. She is trying to convince me and herself that I am avoiding her not because she's too controlling but because my "controlling boyfriend" is keeping me away from her. Because supposedly she is such a wonderful person/friend that no person in there right mind would want them out of there life. In her text messages she made weird comments like I know your scared because he's beating you and that was nuts!! I would never stay with someone who was rude to me let alone actually beat me. Then when I emailed her so that her husband can be aware of what she was doing she was responding as if it were me doing the stalking and being obsessive with her life. And lastly if our friendship was to end she wanted to be the one that made the decision not me. Another thing I cannot stand is a huge flaw that most humans have is the EGO.

I didn't respond to any of that and I haven't heard from her (Thank GOD) and I have made the decision to never let her back into my life again. She has proved herself to be manipulative, controlling, dishonest and not to be trusted.

I know her EGO is still up telling her this is not finished and in a couple weeks she will be trying to get in contact with me again thinking things have cooled down so that she can let things go her way.

Sorry not happening and I won't entertain any of this at all ever again.

@Happy: Good for you! You are absolutely right in that sometimes friendship is about accepting one's flaws head on b/c we'd want the same treatment & acceptance in return. Problem is though, when do the flaws start to become so much of a problem that it no longer makes the friendship worth it? That is the problem most people have. All those relationship/friendship books tells us on 1 hand to love/accept those with flaws & to try to work through them out of care & consideration persay the tables were turned. And on the other hand, those same books advise us NOT to put up with bull of any kind. Welp, now that you know the friendship is not worth saving, it's time to be consistent & do what you've gotta do. A friendship worth saving has to be 1 worth having 1st.

And you're right about the Taurus aspect of it. Of course not all Taurus' have ego problems, BUT the ones who do tend to take the ego creed to the extreme. Some Taurus' can be extremely stubborn & often times have trouble accepting criticism b/c this eats/tears at their self-esteem. Taurus is the sign of reputation & how others perceive them & view them is very important to them. And hey, there's nothing wrong with that, BUT this can become a problem about them the minute mean/negative things are beign said about them. The minute a Taurus' rep. is on the line, they can become extremely defensive & pride/ego-ridden. And we all know that pride kills everything it touches!

Once again, I think you made the right decision. The chances of this woman changing (and especially for you) are about 5% . She's been this way for a lonnnng time & nothing has made/influenced her to change thus far. She's been able to establish a family with kids while being this way so it's apparent 1 of the reasons she probably hasn't changed is due to her never really having to experience loss as a result of these flaws in her personality. I'm sure her husband puts up with it too. And we all know that when a person's flaws are either constantly embraced OR forgiven all the time, it makes it THAT much harder for those flaws to diminish & especially as time goes on.

And hey, let's say that she WAS right about you getting beat by your boyfriends. 1, critizing you and offering you insulting advice is not the way to help anyone! That's like calling your partner "fat" everyday in hopes that insulting them enough will make them finally lose the weight. While the inner intention may be to help that person, insulting them just F'd everything up & makes it so that the person is only hearing the insult instead of the true meaning/care behind their intentions. THAT is your friend's problem.

If she genuienly felt like you were attracted to and/or attracting abusive types, she could've done better as a friend to not verbally abuse you herself as her way of helping you to change/get out of those relationships. Even if she DID think you were being abused, her rubbing it in your face all the time & always making it about HER, didn't help either. It's almost as if she had no sympathy or empathy for you. If anything, a woman whose used to abuse (verbal or physical) is often very sensitive & defensive to the words from any outsiders. This happens b/c this is the goal of the abuser & a trick they use to keep the abuser as a target/victim. Anyone trying to help someone they feel is being abused is NOT helping by being just as harsh as the abuser probably is.

It's no wonder her advice was going in 1 ear & out the other whenever she'd try to give you advice. Hell, SHE was probably the one dishing out all the abuse. She was the 1 always making YOUR battles (if there ever even was one) about HER. She was the 1 giving you ultimatums & making it seem that her friendship with you was conditional UNLESS you did what she said or handled things the way SHE wanted you to handle them. THAT is not friendship. She is no more healthier for you than the abusers she's claiming are in your life. What a complete B!

Yes so true KRY!! Why would I take any advice from anyone who I know has the ultimate goal of keeping me single and to herself!! And yes she is actually the abusive one who has all these mean and cruel things to say to me when she gets frustrated that I am not cooperating. When we were younger she had this habit of constantly critisising me in a very mean way. She would say things like "OMG your so stupid...." And finish her point. When we became friends again she tried to start that again and I made it clear to her that if she cannot speak to me in a respectful manner than we should not become friends again. She cut that out but seems like as soon as she let the cat out of the bag with her pent up frustration her true mean nasty controlling and yes abusive self came out. So BYE BYE!!

I also think her husband is fully aware of his wife's controlling, and abusive tendansies. I'm sure when he saw the emails he probably had a word with her and although she tried to make it seem as though I was making all this stuff up and exaggerating, I'm sure he knows his wife and is able to decipher for him self what's true and what's false.

Yes she is very worried of how other's perceive her. She is very caught up in how things look to others. Thats 1 huge difference we've always had. As long as i'm respecting myself and not hurting anyone intentionally then I don't really care how it looks to others. She could never understand why I would never bother calling someone out on something when I knew they were being dishonest. She would start an all out debate to prove herself right whereas I would just ignore it and simply make a mental note that this person is not saying the truth because he/she is either dishonest or wishes not to share the truth for personal reasons and move on. That's why I really didn't go out of my way to prove to her husband that I wasn't making any of this up.

@Happy:
"That's why I really didn't go out of my way to prove to her husband that I wasn't making any of this up."

-And you shouldn't have. Your friendship was with HER & not only was it not your job/purpose in life to prove her wrong, it damn sure isn't your purpose to tally up "Whose with me" points either. Her husband has more than likely observed some of the same nastiness within her too. The only difference though b/w you & her husband is that the circumstances for which that nastiness comes out is probably completely different. He's married to her so he doesn't ever get the "You're getting beat" speech like you do. And even if her husband did side with you and/or atleast acknowledge that you weren't crazy or making this up, he probably wouldn't be able to change this about her either, therefore making how much he agrees or disagrees with you irrelevant.

This woman was so concerned with always being "RIGHT." She saw you as the passive pushover, whereas you saw her as the too aggressive bull. And I'll tell ya, either one of those traits is all bad especially if there isn't ever any moderation/balance. She got so concerned with being RIGHT all the time that even when she had no proof or basis for her own arguments, she still went head-first with her ideas. THAT is where she messed up. She was close-minded. She acted as if your battles were in fact HER battles & this might explain why there was no softness, sympathy or compassion in/with her words.

Who knows, perhaps these very things about her will be in part reason for her divorce 5 years down the road. It's highly unlikely that he will see the traits that everybody else thinks are negative, as positives. Just like it took many years for you to finally put your foot down & be done, I'm sure the same will happen to him in regards to his marriage too.

Oh he knows about her controlling ways for sure. She has told me in the past that he's told her she's going to be alone when she's old. I may come across as passive in her world because I don't like to complain or argue much but I'm deffinatly not a push over. When something is going on that i don't like i may make a comment about it and if it's not resolved i just kinda withdraw from this person. I think that's what confuses her is when i disapear without confrontation she feels like she needs to get to the bottem of the situation.

@Happy: Well there are 2 types of people.
1. The kind of person that stays in the situation during a battle/tough time, in hopes that them staying is the only way for the issues to get addressed and/or resolved. They fear that if they leave the situation too soon OR at all, that they will lose their chance to effectively handle the situation. Sometimes these types of people feel it's best to handle issues head-on & to continue remaining in the middle of the storm, in hopes that when the battle is finally won/over, it makes for a better victory b/c they stayed around.

2. The kind of person that withdrawls & leaves the situation. These kinds of people do this not b/c they are pushovers and/or don't have the strength to handle the problem, BUT b/c it's easier for them to retreat into their own shells to collect their OWN thoughts, in hopes of eventually (if at all) returning to the situation with a clear head & with better solutions. These kinds of people often get scorned for walking away, as this sometimes gives off the vibe to others that them dismissing themselves temporarily is a sign of disrespect or them not caring. For these kinds of people, sometimes it's best for them to leave in order to avoid all the grey areas (getting off topic, things getting worse than necessary, or subjects being switched just for the sake of drama) so that they won't lose focus and/or forget about what's important.

Both types of people are often misunderstood & ESPECIALLY when Type 1 is in a relationship/friendship with Type 2. These differences both have their advantages/disadvantages, BUT b/c of this difference that is immediately noticed by 1 or both parties, this can sometimes make things worse even if it wasn't necessary.

Happy it sounds like you're the Type 2 kind of person

I try to be a type 1 for as long as possible. In the past I was referred to as "hard core". I've learned to soften up a bit and realized pretty much everyone has there flaws and issues including myself. I try to communicate my feelings more and let the other person know whats wrong and give chances for he/she to change before I go off into my shell or go back to "type 2" land.

We should all try to find a happy medium like everything else. I kept telling her over and over that by calling and texting repeatedly insisting that she get a response and then calling my family members trying to figure out why I'm not responding she's being too controlling and it just kept going right over her head. Then after I felt like I have made myself beyond clear it became obvious that she's not going to change her ways. I gave her plenty of warnings so yes I did confront the situation head on as much as possible to make things fair before I pulled the disapearing act.

moral of the story: be a type 1 first and if that doesn't work revert to type 2!! 🙂