How long does it take you to get over someone?

I accidentally put this in the virgo forum, but it works in all aspects. Anyway,

Depending on the strength/length of the relationship, how long does it take for you to finally put the person in the back of your mind and move on?

This thought came to mind after I had a quick yet fervent thing with a cancer. This cancer came on strong (before him, I was finally getting over a capman I was seeing for a few months) for the first few weeks, so I was attracted to the attention. I was still cautious, but we hung out for the first time; long story short, he moved a little too fast, and things became rather intimate, but I stopped him before it could lead to sex. From then on, this crab did his little dance, where I didn't hear from him for several days. He would send subtle messages that he was still into me (which was relief because I thought I had scared him off previously). The last time we hung out (which was about over a week ago), we merely cuddled, kissed, and watched a movie. However, when I left, I felt a disconnect. Some days later, I found out he was smitten with another girl. I wasn't as upset as I thought I would be for I was planning on letting the cancer go anyway. In fact, I even hoped that he would finally find what he was looking for and be happy. However, I still feel a sharp sting every time I see some mention of this new girl. While I'm fine and probably better off without him, I'm still a little sad knowing that he found someone else and rather quickly, too.

But back to the main question. Do you find yourself holding on longer than you should be or do you move on at the drop o a hat?

Well I think it all depends. It depends on WHY you 1st got with another person to begin with. Then it all depends on what the relationship did for you, in terms of the fulfillment and/or gain you got from it (especially in areas that you believe couldn't have been fulfilled had you been single). And of course, it also depends on why and/or how the break up happend. If the breakup was mutual & ended on peaceful terms, getting over the other person might be an easier piece of cake vs. getting over someone who dumped you and/or someone you have unfinished business with.

For me, when it came to my 1st love it took me about a year & a half to FULLY get him out of my system. BUT, then again it all depends on what someone's definition of "getting oveR" another person means. To some people, just their ability to move on to another person is what they consider "fully done." And to others, the ability to not compare their new flame to the old flame is when they figure they've finally moved on. And of course to some, the natural ability to not even stress/cry over someone is what they consider fully getting over another person. It all just depends on what each individual considers to be "getting over" someone.

For me, I know I've gotten over someone when seeing/talking to them no longer affects me or brings me back to old memories that I wish I could relive. For me, getting over someone is about not seeing the need to compare the old to the new, and/or no longer hanging on to any resentment/bitterness, heartbreak that stemmed from the broken relationship. For me, getting over someone, depending on why things are over in the 1st place, can happen within the span of 1 month or 1 year. It all just depends on how emotionally important that person was to me. And of course, how long it takes a person to find something ELSE just as fulfilling can also play a role in how long it takes them to fully recover, heal & get over a past relationship

it usually takes me a very long time to get over someone(that i love). i think its because it's very hard for me 2 find a strong chemistry and connection with some1. it's only been about twice in my 26 years of life. so when i do find it, it's really scary 2 accept the fact thats it's over because i dont know when im going to find it again. i admire those who are capable of easily moving on to the next one. it must make life so much easier.
but i will say that as i grow i've learned that in between the great loves you can deal with the "Mr. Right Now" to keep you occupied. lol

@Play..I absolutely agree with you. As an Aquarius, it's very hard for me to "allow" myself to feel a connection & a certain type/level of love for someone. It usually takes me a long time to build up the trust, connection & foundation with someone. So as the saying goes, it can take 5 years to build up something but only 5 seconds to disappear. Welp, for me, it takes me just as long to move on from something the same length of time it probably took for me to build it up. For example, if it took me 1 year to fully trust & open up to someone, it might take me 1 year to fully get over that person & move on. That's usually how it goes for me. However, if I've been with someone for 10 years, I'm not necessarily implying that it'll take me 10 years to get over them, but you know what I mean.

It takes me such a long time to actually & truly fall for & love someone. I put my ALL into it & since it takes me so long (b/c of fear, caution, insecurity, timing, etc.) I only give my all with the hopes that it'll last & that I won't have to regret doing so. So of course, once I've finally given my all just to realize that it wasn't meant to be/wasn't going to work out, half of the problem in getting over someone afterwards is usually me getting on myself for allowing things to move so far moreso than it is, wishing I still had that person in my life.

Posted by krysrenee7
@Play..I absolutely agree with you. As an Aquarius, it's very hard for me to "allow" myself to feel a connection & a certain type/level of love for someone. It usually takes me a long time to build up the trust, connection & foundation with someone. So as the saying goes, it can take 5 years to build up something but only 5 seconds to disappear. Welp, for me, it takes me just as long to move on from something the same length of time it probably took for me to build it up. For example, if it took me 1 year to fully trust & open up to someone, it might take me 1 year to fully get over that person & move on. That's usually how it goes for me. However, if I've been with someone for 10 years, I'm not necessarily implying that it'll take me 10 years to get over them, but you know what I mean.

It takes me such a long time to actually & truly fall for & love someone. I put my ALL into it & since it takes me so long (b/c of fear, caution, insecurity, timing, etc.) I only give my all with the hopes that it'll last & that I won't have to regret doing so. So of course, once I've finally given my all just to realize that it wasn't meant to be/wasn't going to work out, half of the problem in getting over someone afterwards is usually me getting on myself for allowing things to move so far moreso than it is, wishing I still had that person in my life.

oh, you hit the target with that one..you def. right
See, this is why I got a little crush on Candeh, but forget it..w/e

"Do you find yourself holding on longer than you should be or do you move on at the drop o a hat?"


Both




Relationships for me (most Pisceans) are not about possessions .. they are about life experiences. We hold on to a person for life, even when we are letting go, which can come as swiftly as flipping a switch.


When an experience is finished, it is done .... walk away, and let the other go, let yourself live to find another life adventure .. at the same time, what was embraced with the recently exed person gets sketched deeply into memory.


When a partner is ready to go ..... let them walk away, candeh .. and that doesn't have to mean that you can no longer enjoy the memory of that person.

oh, you hit the target with that one..you def. right
See, this is why I got a little crush on Candeh, but forget it..w/e

Lol, well thank you.

As for myself, I'm a mixture of both too. I'm a very picky individual when it comes to relationships. When I actually begin to like someone, then that person generally has something special, in my opinion. So, I slowly start to put my all into the relationship after opening up. Most of the time, I have an all or nothing approach to relationships; either we end up together (even if it's relatively short) or we remain friends or less. So, when my relationship ends, especially if it is very abrupt (which seems to happen a lot) and/or not mutual, it takes me a while to actually let go. I've already invested a lot to get something going, and I am not ready to start fresh. I look back on the person either positively or negatively, depending on how it has ended or how the course of the relationship went. However, when I realize that the person has officially moved on and there are no more times, I am able to release my hold on the person immediately.

In some relationships, where I was not very invested, I can move on very quickly; especially if I was bored to begin with or I feel that there is nothing to really hold on too.

P-angle - I've been working on just being able to let go and to focus on the positive towards myself rather than the negative. I've slowly been getting better at it, but there are times when it is harder than most.

Very true. And I mean is having a hard time letting the person you love go necessarily a bad thing? I mean, I get that some people can really turn psycho & let the dark side of themselves come out all b/c they lost a loved one/death of a friendship, relationship BUT at the same time & from another perspective, I would be VERY suspicious of the person who can lose the love of their life & yet that loss not affect them. It's okay to miss something you love and/or to still wish you had it. After all, love doesn't go away over night nor does it's power flick on/off like a light switch. We often love that person even MORE once we lose them.

And the same goes for funerals, for example. We get so emotional & so upset b/c we lost someone we spent a long time getting to know. We cry b/c we're sad we'll never see them again & hey, that's natural/normal when it comes to those we love. Relationships are no different. Some Aquas can have the "You BROKE it, you BUY it" mentality when it comes to break-ups. If the breakup is horrible & even worse, NOT mutual, then it's alot harder for us to break ties. And half of that is b/c we're still in shock that things ended when we NEVER would've expected for them too. That's human nature. We love surprises when they're good, but oh Lord, the bad surprises piss EVERYONE off. And hey, it SHOULD be that way. After all, none of us would've ever opened up or allowed ourselves to fall in love had we known things weren't going to work out and/or that it was all for nothing.

Personally, I hate starting all over with other people. Having to trust again, re-get to know someone from head to toe. I hate establishing a comfort zone with something/something, just to have it removed/vanish, leaving me to go re-do all the work all over again. Sometimes it's easier to just stay connected to the person who made it past level 1, vs. go through the motions of finding someone else even worth the same.

It's so hard to find someone we generally do like/connect with, so even if we're holding on for selfish reasons and/or b/c we don't feel like putting all that work into someone new, it's not necessarily a bad thing to do what love says do, which is forgive & work through things. Problem is, there's always going to be that "what if" factor when a relationship ends. We're all left wondering if the breakup is a decision we'll either be glad we made OR regret making later on down the road. And it's that "what if" or "time will tell" OR the "unknown" factor that scares us & that really bothers me the most when a relationship I invested all of my time/energy into fails or doesn't go the way I'd hoped/planned.

It's the same for a job. Even though I LOVE variety, I love stability even MORE. Sometimes, I get bored at my job BUT at the same time, I'd rather deal with the boredom vs. deal with all the rejection/empty promises that come from employers & new companies that have the mindset to try to spot the FLAWS in someone before the good, as a means of gaining new employees. I hate going through that sometimes. Sometimes it's easier to just stay in the comfort zone I've already built, given it's actually comforting. And for Aquas, it's even worse when a relationship ends when we didn't agree that it should've. Aquas can be so cut-throat & willing to cut someone off if we don't care much about them, BUT when we do actually care the warriar in us comes out!

However, sometimes letting go is MORE beneficial than holding on, granted holding on causes more pain than letting go does. Alot of us don't realize which will happen until we're actually IN that moment & in that situation & facing the reality & our emotions head on. IT sucks but hey, it happens. I don't like moving from place to place, job to job, OR relationship to relationship. The WHOLE purpose is to find that one, that stability, that person you can FINALLY settle down with. That's why we date around so much b/c we're all just searching for that ONE. And when we have to face the realization that we were wrong/misjudged things, it sucks!

Personally, I hate starting all over with other people. Having to trust again, re-get to know someone from head to toe. I hate establishing a comfort zone with something/something, just to have it removed/vanish, leaving me to go re-do all the work all over again. Sometimes it's easier to just stay connected to the person who made it past level 1, vs. go through the motions of finding someone else even worth the same.

I'm the same way. It just wears me out to start over, over and over again. I do not expect to end up with one person once and only once, but I'm not the type that is capable of recharging immediately after a relationship ends. It's partly the reason why I don't enjoy casual dating. It's not necessarily laziness, but there is a lot that goes into establishing a connection to a person. When someone comes into my life and slips into my comfort zone, I expect to keep that person one way or another; what saddens me more than losing love is losing someone from my life completely. While having friendships with exes or guys you had flings with isn't always possible, there is a part of me that would prefer that than just having the person disappear forever.

I do agree that letting go is often times much better than holding on. I tend to seek answers to my many questions that arise after a relationship ends, and that often keeps me from moving on because I feel that's one of the only ways for me to seek closure. For example, with the cancer, I wondered for a few days how one moment he wanted me, but I was seemingly erased from his radar the next. Of course I can't answer that, but generally, I'd hold out until I found it one way or another. But I've come to learn that there aren't answers sometimes, and holding out for one is probably more damaging.

Oh that's another thing that makes moving on hard, krysrenee. Being the picky person I am, I often hope/expect my significant other to be "right" for me; not forever, but for as long as it works. Although, one of my fears is that I've been wrong about the person the entire time, and the realization all comes crashing down in a way that tears me apart and proves that I was wrong. I'm one who likes to look before I leap, so when I look and feel that this person is good, I will lament over the fact that I misjudged everything. This can keep me from moving on until I realize that I cannot be right abut everything, and I'm not supposed to be. It's just a harder pill to swallow when you invest yourself in someone who proves to be worth your time, but eventually turns out not to be.

@Cand...perfectly said. I agree 100% . Alot of that is about pride & about our inability sometime's to admit defeat or misjudgment. It sucks, especially for fixed signs (like Aqua) who are so gung ho on being cautious & holding out (before the commitment) just SO (and just for the purposes of) they won't ever have to face the reality that they were wrong the whole time. It's like when a person takes 10 years to open up to somebody, but yet when they finally feel they've investigated, interrogated & researched that person enough to feel/be comfortable with them, there is NOTHING worse than for things to end & especially not mutually and/or with unfinished business. And I say that b/c of course, a person won't have a CHOICE BUT to be left doubting their OWN ability to pick the right person for them.

Most of us aren't really afraid of others; we're afraid of OURSELVES. Our happiness in relationships depends on who WE allow in our lives b/c WE are the ones controlling our own destiny. And when a fixed sign, for example purposely tries to analyze everything or atleast sift through things long enough so that things like breakups or misjudging that person won't be something they should have to face, actually happen, it's like WW3 internally!

It's like our pride kicks us in the azs the moment we realize that what we'd expected to last didn't. And the problem with a woman beating up on herself about this is that we've ALL forgotten that something can be GREAT for you, but only great for you right now, not later. Not every person you click with and/or whose worth your time should be in your life forever or for a long time. And I say that b/c we ALL change & sometimes, connections end up breaking apart just b/c of this change (whether we realize it or not) vs. it being b/c we were dummies in who we picked. Sometimes we picked the RIGHT person, but just for RIGHT NOW. When we focus on the WRONG things after a breakup, we strip ourselves from learning the purpose/reason that person was sent to us for that short/long period of time. Sadly, THIS is also what makes us want to hold on more--unfinished business is literally that...unfinished, just like our emotions

I was 14 at the time, and it was the end of my freshmen year of high school. My cousin was 17, and he was about to graduate when his mother was sent into the hospital to be examined for the last time before she had to die. She was suffering from blood cancer, and she was trying to prolong her death to see her first song achieve a goal that she never did; graduate. She showed me real motherly love, made my birthday\'s special, recognized that i existed, and told me that I was one of HER sons. I didn\'t find anything shocking till the day I walked across the aisle where she layed within the bed in rigor mortis with an open casket. I saw my cousin, and his younger brother holding their tears. I couldn\'t bear to see her face and each step I took my heart sunk harder and deeper than the previous steps. Tears were falling from my face far faster than the steps I was taking, and i couldn\'t even feel the sorrow externally. I felt my internal soul (self), gashing through my chest without clenching my emotions. It was the first time I teared without sound, without expression, and without thought. I walked up to her casket and saw her face for the last time, and after i spoke to her my last words my sorrow blew away.

It wasn\'t until several years after I had began driving, I decided to go on my own, without the consent of my cousin, and I drove up the hill and sat besides the grass where she was buried. I remembered the cherished memories i had with her, and the family. I repaid her for my burden and gave her something back that she had given me...I placed an item inside the flower hole and smiled. Within a second, she was stored within the past of my past to never be examined again.

Although I may not have much of anything besides several pictures, I carry special gifts that people leave me to have over the course of time to remember that they cared about me. I place all these gifts into this box so if they die, I can give them their gift back to know that i still remembered that most special point in time.



I bet you have this Candeh15...or maybe I\'m the only one...Ah well.