I need dating advice, help or maybe i'm doomed

You don't need dating advice, you need to stop dating. Take some time and get your shit together first. Comments like "or know *intuitively* that i would cheat on em if i went into a relationship with em." are pathetic. Start taking responsibility for your own actions. You are expecting to find some guy who going to make you happy and you can't do that. You didn't connect with a married man, you were a piece of ass on the side. You didn't connect with the other dude after just two months either. How do I know? Cause the married guy is still with his wife (or maybe his other mistress) and the other guy saw fit to just walk away.

The self destructive pity seeking stuff is crazy. If you recognize the behavior as destructive, stop doing it. PERIOD. Nothing anyone else says or does will matter if you aren't even on "your side". Do you have plans for yourself or any long term goals? If so, focus on that stuff. If not, find some. People always walk around saying they feel lost and just go with the flow and then wonder why they aren't getting anywhere... If you don't have a destination how can you be lost? If there is no plan then you aren't lost you're just wandering around. Figure out what you want from your life then go get it.

Saying you have no self control is a cop out. Do you work? Pay bills? Drive on the right side of the road? Were clothes when you leave the house? Pay for you groceries at the store? Have you ever ran from the police? You have self control. The problem is that you don't care enough to do any thing about this.

1. Stop dating. Why you're still looking for anyone, after knowing that your chances of disrespecting/betraying them eventually, is beyond me.

2. Yes, Karma is very real, BUT think of it this way? Let's say you hadn't cheated on your ex. You would've probably encountered just as many "no-goods" afterwards anyways. Every frog won't turn into a prince, & this theory applies to even those who haven't cheated on those from their pasts.

3. If you want different results/outcomes, you've got to LITERALLY do different things. You may want a different outcome, but your actions are not supporting that desire.

4. Figure out what it is in you that you lost or gave up on after your relationship with your ex ended, especially if you truly believe that things went downhill after that relationship. Try to identify the source of what's causing you to be so self-destructive.

5. You don't know what you want. You're "void dating" which means you're not seeking men for the right reasons, at the right time or with the right mindset. You're looking for someone to fill empty voids within you. Sure, you'll find some men who will fill those voids, but eventually 1 or both of you will lose interest b/c the relationship was never built on an equal foundation (it was instead built on a "what can you do for ME?" mentality)

6. You're lacking self control & you won't get it back if you continue dating. You'll get it back when you learn how to be alone. Dating others while trying to fix yourself just confuses the process & allows for distractions/temptations to come about & distract you from your original task & goal. Be by yourself! Once you learn to do that, THEN you'll be on the road to "fixing" yourself. Self-love oughta be your 1st goal, not your last.

7. You need to stop harping over your failed relationship with your ex. Forgive yourself AND him for whatever went wrong & work towards healing & moving on. If not, you're just going to keep holding yourself prisoner to your own past, thus it's no wonder your past (& the situations you kept ending up in) will keep resurfacing over & over again. You're reliving your past b/c you're still stuck in it, honey.

8. Stop being a coward when you finally realize that you're not happy while in a relationship. Don't disrespect your partner, or even worse YOURSELF, by sleeping with other men in hopes that doing so will somehow give you the courage/balls to move on & get out of the relationship. Learn how to communicate. If you're NOT happy, tell your partner & move out of the relationship. But don't punish your partner by cheating on them all b/c YOU didn't have the balls to pack up & move out of a relationship you no longer wanted to be in.

9. The only person you keep sabotaging is YOURSELF. No, you're not doing anyone a favor when you sleep around, cheat or keep making the same mistakes. Those guys in the past have probably BEEN moved on, even if they were the ones who got hurt or didn't do anything wrong. So I advise you to do the same.

10. You need to find/discover your worth. Even the greatest man in the world CAN'T find it for you. And trust me, the greatest man in the world whose meant for you WON'T want anything to do with you if you make it everyone else's job but yours to fulfill you or give you things that you can't/refuse to give yourself.

11. You're easy prey for men who have the wrong intentions. These types of men can spot women with low self-esteem/self-worth from a mile away. Maybe you wouldn't keep attracting them if you erased AND changed the sign that's written on your forehead. Who you attract says alot about who you are & what you may be unconsciously advertising

Hi both,

Thanks for your sound advice. It's clear what I have to do now. Stop dating. I've tried but someone which seems potential keeps turning up and I keep holding it off. But I need to do something different now so there.

I think perhaps you may have misunderstood and misinterpreted some points as well, but collectively you guys are mostly right. As for my ex, I lost my feelings because we were no longer at the same place anymore and every time i tried to suggest a breakup, he would laugh it off and tell me i am making a big drama out of it. Not that it justifies my cheating, but a chance came up and i made the wrong decision to do it.

I did need the harsh advice however, i'm glad i got a few kicks on my butt. It really doesn't matter whether or not i'm in a relationship anyway (sometimes i feel that,perhaps thats why i never attract one). I never had anyone and am used to be alone (since my ex). I really am not looking for anyone to rescue me because i have nothing to rescue for, if anything I wish for the patience to take time to get to know someone before deciding whether or not to date them but i have anxiety issues and i worry/think too much which makes it difficult. My real problem is patience and thinking before making the right decisions. I've always been too quick to make a judgement or decision, its something i've been doing since i was little and not something i can change overnight.

I can take care of myself. I support myself and have a relatively successful career. It's just that sometimes i wish i could come home to someone that i can care for, someone to be there and that i can share my life with thats all. I know it sounds like i should get a pet, but u know what i mean.

But you guys are right. I'm gonna have to stay in most weekends now to stop meeting anyone. It's quite hard because i meet new people almost everyday in my job as well, but I will. Or perhaps i should take time off work and lock myself up for awhile and find a new direction in life.

*sigh*

No need to cloister yourself off like a nun, just realize the destructive behavior. If you need time for self realization, take it. Find pleasure in simple things. Look at things with new eyes, feel important in self. Know that just because you got knocked down that does not mean you cannot come back up swinging. But internalize mistakes. And most importantly LOVE SELF. No one else will if it does not start there. If you love yourself your light shines. And for the RIGHT reasons. Not the wrong ones. And remember...not one breathing, living human being on this planet is perfect. Not one.
Of course it's natural to desire and miss basic human contact, touch, someone to speak too. If anyone says differently they can kiss my round, lily white bottom, no fault, no blame. It's like breathing to want that.
Be strong, for yourself. Firm that jawline, hold that head high. And attached men are unavailable men. Bottom line. Run, run like your ass is on FIRE.

venusianbull, that was very uplifting. Thank you. :-)

🙂 My pleasure.

Your desire to have a companion is a normal thing. There's nothing wrong with that, so don't knock yourself for wanting something that most human beings on earth also want too.

Everything that you just shared...about how you can be very impatient, etc. is EXACTLY what others can see in you too; Believe it or not, men can pick up on this. And even if you mean well or aren't desperate, desperation is EXACTLY the message that's written on your forehead, thus it's no wonder you may not attract all prince charmings, if you know what I mean. The types of men who prey on women they consider "desperate" are generally NOT good men who have good intentions.

You're not a horrible person. You just have some kinks that you need to work out BEFORE you start creating bonds/relationships with others. No matter how hard you try, all your baggage WILL seep into your relations with others. And although we ALL have baggage, it's best to atleast lay low for awhile until you're FIXABLE (keyword) baggage is at a minimum.

After all, no one likes entering into a "danger zone," even IF that person is sweet, sexy or seems to have it all together. Baggage is the 1 thing most good guys try to stay away from at ALL costs.

Just relax & be to yourself. You owe that to YOU AND to the guy whom is really right for you. If your past baggage/issues hadn't held you back in past relationships with other guys, I'd say go for it & continue dating, BUT your baggage HAS contributed to you LOSING MORE THAN you gaining. Therefore, take some time to reflect, turn the mirror on yourself & get yourself together.

You have NOTHING to lose by taking time out to discover, like AND date yourself! But you have EVERYTHING to lose if you try walking 1,000 miles with 500 pounds of baggage on your back. Trust me, you'll feel so much better when you finally start dating later on b/c you just simply getting yourself together can make the difference in the quality of men you attract. And quality is everything!

Good luck girlie =)

krysrenee7, I still agree that i should stop dating. Well, I've never really stopped for more than 2 weeks, people just keep turning up. It would do me some good to detox for a few months to half a year, especially to read the ridiculous amount of books that i have bought (more than 10!!) which ive never had the chance to read.

Thanks so much for your advice. This forum seems fun as well, while i'm gonna be more at home now, i will stick around. :-)

Thanks everyone. :-)

Do what you gotta do. On 1 hand you can't control that men will be attracted to you, BUT you atleast can keep yourself away from the male species in that way if you really wanted to. "Detox" for as long as you have to. There's no certain time frame or limit on how long it takes to fix one's self.

what do you mean by any progress? it's only been 2 days? Well i went straight home after work and have been reading and online shopping...

:-)