Ladies Is Being A Douchebag Ok...

IN THIS INSTANCE...


Let me explain the background to the question and get all AA on you. Here's my not ready for Lifetime Network sob story although I'm sure and do respect that much has happened to other people.

Ok, back when I was 15, my mother got diagnosed with breast cancer. I decided to spend more time with my parents than a normal high school existance. (Although the outcast part OF High School I did experience to a T)

Watched my mother battle a very aggressive form of breast cancer. This was back in the 90's before there was better treatment for it now. Mom passed away when I was 17 my junior year.

I spent the rest of high school in a daze. Didnt really care about dating during that period of time. Was focused on graduating and going to college. After graduating and in the middle of freshman year, my dad finally decides to Charlie Sheen it. He gets self-destructive, and tries to kill himself two different times. (Thankfully, he finally got his sanity back a year and half later)

I dropped out of college to keep an eye on him. Then had the great fortune of participating in a real-life reboot of In The Name of The Father, the Daniel Day-Lewis. Although in this remake no one died and it was more PG. Basically the prosecuters used me as a chess piece to get to someone else. I was arrested for something I did not do, it was in the news. Was in jail for a decent amount of time before making bail.

They got the person they used me to get to and the charges were dropped. Dad's health got worse, so I got us an apartment to take care of him. He has hear issues. I working different jobs to take care of us and going to college in the interim.

I met one girl who became my first ex. That was bad judgment on my part due to being young stupid and lonely. Went through a intense on again/off again (mainly it was off at her choosing. She had a moon in gemini, so not very surprising)

Went on dates with other girls. But they never got far once I told them I took care of Dad. I think in their perception they assumed I was the inspiration for the movie Grandma's Boy. Basically the guy in the move just smokes pot, played video games and lived with his grandma.

I never smoked pot, stopped playing video games in high school, and I was kind of the breadwinner. But still girls just naturally assumed that's there no way a dude in his 20's could be responsible. Even though that is a big pile of BS.

Next post

Anyway, two years ago when I was walking across the street, a truck hit me head on. Broke my right shoulder and both of my legs.

It took many surgeries and lots of physical therapy to get me to being "normal" again. I can walk now without any assistance. Although I've got a crapload of PTSD to keep me company along with all the other voice in my head like Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Then six months ago, my dad got the death sentence. His heart is getting worse, and his lungs are getting worse. To where he is in an electric scooter hooked up to a breathing machine.

I spend most of my spare time looking after him. But the doctors say he'll be dead by January. I've decided to move the hell away from Texas when Dad dies.

One, so I dont go nuts being in the city where both parents died. Two, for financial reasons. Anyways, if I ever decide to date again, I think I just want to be Hank Moody.

I'm just drained emotionally to the point where I have nothing left to give to another girl. I'm just burnt out. The last season of Miami Vice where Crockett and Tubbs burn out, I can totally identify with.

BTW this is my burn out song and what I'll play in my vehicle when leaving Texas -

I don't understand, is there even a girl who you need to explain this to?

No, but I'm just asking for advice for future reference.

Basically if I meet a girl, and things go good, and she asks me the oldie but goodie "Where is this going?" question.

Essentially, if I give her a cliff's notes version of what I mentioned in the last posts for the reason why I'm not looking for a relationship with anyone.

So she can understand that I'm genuinely emotionally numb and drained. If I do date again, I'm going to try avoid the nice girl types and just go for the flighty party girls ones.

Just because there is less chance for attachment on their end. But every once in a while you'll get the swinging gal who does want a relationship.

I'm just asking if a brief summary of my personal unofficial reality show would be justification enough for them to understand why I don't want to be the Ryan Gosling to their Rachel McAdams.

I'm tired and burnt out and girls deserve their Leo DiCaprio Titanic type, not me, the Andy Dick Celebrity Rehab Reject.

Sorry for the confusion, my alzheimer's tends to cloud things a little 😉

I think you have had your share of tragedy and I can see why you would have a hard time committing emotionally to someone. You may need a few years to clear your head, but don't shut yourself off. You can be up front with girls and tell them you're not looking for anything serious for awhile. In a few years, you might find the right girl to commit to and maybe someone will be there for you for a change.

Kudos for the dedication you've shown to your parents. It has not been easy for you. Just remember that shutting yourself down for the rest of your life isn't an answer either. You deserve to be loved too.

@Piscespeach -

Thanks for your feedback and kind thoughts. Nope, I'm dead set on ever getting involved with anyone again seriously. I'm really drained, there is literally nothing there to give back to someone.

You're just numb. It's gonna take too many years of therapy for me to be on a even keel mentally again. I'm not going to unintentionally dump that on someone. It's not a girl's responsibility to be my Doctor Phil. Most importantly, it isn't fair to her.

Also, I'm Hopalong Cassidy in the sense of being disabled. I can walk, but cant really run. Still need to find out from doctors what I can and cant do exercise-wise. Running could turn me from the tin man to busted tin. Given all the plates and rods in my shoulder and legs.

For a girl that's active, who exercises, plays sports, hikes whatever, it's gonna put a rain on their parade. And even though she won't think so, in the end there will be resentment from her given my limited mobility. And rightfully so.

One last thought in my Debbie Downer musings. I'm pretty confident I won't live long. I'm gonna kick it at 38 (the age my mother died) or right after 40. I have fair skin and been exposed accidentally to sunburn. It's ok in your 20's maybe. But screwups like that in your 30's is a no-no. That or it will be heart disease which my dad suffers from.
I'm always been intuitive about certain things. Im very rarely wrong unfortunately. I dont think it's fair to put someone through that.

@Harry99- Thanks for your sympathy and honesty. BTW that is my main problem. I'm brutally honest. I tend to put my foot in my mouth often. Why is why I was asking how to gently let someone know my intentions and the reasoning behind it.

If let to my own devices, it would be probably get too crude. "I'm a broken and very deep well of neverending bitterness and anger. You dont need a rainy day. Well, maybe a rainy day of squirting in your neither regions. But not of mental darkness." I would encourage her to date other guys, and a simple I get you off, you get me off arrangement with us. No hard feelings of her leaving whenever she finds Mr. Right. Which I'm definately the opposite of.

I guess I can always tell them I have a pencil dick that may not do the trick. Now THAT usually works on scaring away women 😉

It's interesting how the closer of a reality of bad situations get so-called "positive" options come out.

I've got a job interview with Planned Parenthood tommorow. If I got the job, it would be decent paying for a change and something I could muster some enthusiasm for. Instead of faking it or gritting my teeth.

I have a couple of different girls show interest in me the last few weeks. I wasn't seeking it out and they weren't reciprocated. I mean they were attractive and seemed nice. But I'm focused on taking care of Dad the last months of his life.

The months are getting less, and reality is coming closer. I plan to move out of Austin ASAP once the sh-t hits the fan. This town is just like a major bad luck charm for me. The worst tragic events of my life have all happened here.

I could never stay here with all the bad memories, and the job market sucks balls. Don't get me wrong, if you work in some aspect to do with computers or healthcare it is great. Otherwise it is a total crapshoot. And you have to move to Round Rock which is outside of Austin for consistant real jobs. There is no buses that go out there and I need that in case my car breaks down. And it is in Williamson County where Guilty Until Proven Innocent is the reigning factor there.

I dont need to date anyone in Austin right now as I'm not wanting anything to tie me here. I have to preserve what's left of my mental sanity. Staying here is going to destroy that.

Even if I move somewhere else, I'm not going to have time for a serious relationship anyway. I'm going to have to work two jobs to support myself which leads little time for romance even if I was looking for it and not numb. I think LA might work for me living wise. I know the job market is rough there. But the difference with LA is they have a diverse job market and Austin does not.

Plus, everyone does friends with benefits there cause nobody has the time for serious relationships as they are focused on their careers or trying to keep a roof over their head working multiple jobs.

@Jynja- Are you asking me if that is my astrological chart or is it yours? Thanks for your words of encouragement, I appreciate that coming from someone who seems to have been through as much crap as me. However, I'm not deserving of a happy relationship even if I was alive on the inside and had a decent paying job with a flexible work schedule. I'm made some bad mistakes in my past. Finished next post...

And I have been really self-centered so I could mentally survive all the hard rain metaphorically speaking to the detriemnt of my parents and friends.

I have to atone for those mistakes. And whereever I move to, find a organization I can volunteer to give back to people less fortunate. I'm thinking of working with the blind or maybe homeless. Definately not cancer patients as that's too close to the bone emotionally for me.

I'm better off just helping others and keeping romantic interests limited to flings. Besides not having the time, I just dont think the mental damage can be undone completely with years of therapy.

I think the lyrics to a song by Bob Dylan called Highlands sums me up to a T. It is probably the most depressing song ever written, but I feel a strong connection to it, and I find hope and optimism in the choruses where he talks about being in his ideal escape.

Here is the lyrics to Highlands if anyone is interested it will be posted in the next post -

Well my heart's in the Highlands gentle and fair
Honeysuckle blooming in the wildwood air
Bluebelles blazing where the Aberdeen waters flow
Well my heart's in the Highland
I'm gonna go there when I feel good enough to go

Windows were shakin?? all night in my dreams
Everything was exactly the way that it seems
Woke up this morning and I looked at the same old page
Same ol?? rat race
Life in the same ol?? cage

I don't want nothing from anyone, ain't that much to take
Wouldn't know the difference between a real blonde and a fake
Feel like a prisoner in a world of mystery
I wish someone would come
And push back the clock for me

Well my heart's in the Highlands wherever I roam
That's where I??ll be when I get called home
The wind, it whispers to the buckeyed trees in rhyme
Well my heart's in the Highland
I can only get there one step at a time

I'm listening to Neil Young, I gotta turn up the sound
Someone's always yelling turn it down
Feel like I'm drifting
Drifting from scene to scene
I'm wondering what in the devil could it all possibly mean?

Insanity is smashing up against my soul
You can say I was on anything but a roll
If I had a conscience, well, I just might blow my top
What would I do with it anyway
Maybe take it to the pawn shop

My heart's in the Highlands at the break of dawn
By the beautiful lake of the Black Swan
Big white clouds like chariots that swing down low
Well my heart's in the Highlands
Only place left to go

I'm in Boston town, in some restaurant
I got no idea what I want
Well, maybe I do but I'm just really not sure
Waitress comes over
Nobody in the place but me and her

It must be a holiday, there's nobody around
She studies me closely as I sit down
She got a pretty face and long white shiny legs
She says, —What??ll it be—
I say, —I don't know, you got any soft boiled eggs—

She looks at me, says, —I??d bring you some
But we??re out of ??m, you picked the wrong time to come??
Then she says, —I know you??re an artist, draw a picture of me!??
I say, —I would if I could, but
I don't do sketches from memory??

—Well,?? she says, —I'm right here in front of you, or haven't you looked—
I say, —All right, I know, but I don't have my drawing book!??
She gives me a napkin, she says, —You can do it on that??
I say, —Yes I could, but
I don't know where my pencil is at!??

She pulls one

She pulls one out from behind her ear
She says, —All right now, go ahead, draw me, I'm standing right here??
I make a few lines and I show it for her to see
Well she takes the napkin and throws it back
And says, —That don't look a thing like me!??

I said, —Oh, kind Miss, it most certainly does??
She says, —You must be jokin??.?? I say, —I wish I was!??
Then she says, —You don't read women authors, do you—
Least that's what I think I hear her say
—Well,?? I say, —how would you know and what would it matter anyway—

—Well,?? she says, —you just don't seem like you do!??
I said, —You??re way wrong??
She says, —Which ones have you read then— I say, —I read Erica Jong!??
She goes away for a minute
And I slide up out of my chair
I step outside back to the busy street but nobody??s going anywhere

Well my heart's in the Highlands with the horses and hounds
Way up in the border country, far from the towns
With the twang of the arrow and a snap of the bow
My heart's in the Highlands
Can't see any other way to go

Every day is the same thing out the door
Feel further away than ever before
Some things in life, it gets too late to learn
Well, I'm lost somewhere
I must have made a few bad turns

I see people in the park forgetting their troubles and woes
They??re drinking and dancing, wearing bright-colored clothes
All the young men with their young women looking so good
Well, I??d trade places with any of them
In a minute, if I could

I'm crossing the street to get away from a mangy dog
Talking to myself in a monologue
I think what I need might be a full-length leather coat
Somebody just asked me
If I registered to vote

The sun is beginning to shine on me
But it's not like the sun that used to be
The party??s over and there's less and less to say
I got new eyes
Everything looks far away

Well, my heart's in the Highlands at the break of day
Over the hills and far away
There's a way to get there and I??ll figure it out somehow
But I'm already there in my mind
And that's good enough for now

No, it's not ok to be a douchebag