krysrenee7
@krysrenee7
17 Years5,000+ Posts
Comments: 0 · Posts: 8735 · Topics: 522
Letting them explain (sigh)
In other words...their actions don't change...their lies/excuses just get better & better over time!
Once you're 100% sure that someone has done the unforgiveable, should you really even let them explain? Why let them explain if you already know that there's NO chance of them being able to redeem themselves?
I personally won't let a guy "explain" if I already know that I'm done with him no matter what. I know that the min. I let him explain, he's going to automatically think that he's still got a slight "chance" & I'd hate to lead someone to believe such if such wasn't really true.
Hell if anything, during the time when someone has done the unthinkable, you're supposed to let them feel the "burn" of what it's like to lose you. But if every time they do something unforgiveable, they get the chance to sweet talk their way back into your life, it's no wonder there's a 2nd & 3rd+ time they betrayed you!
I hate it when someone lets me explain myself even though they already made their mind up. It's a waste of both our time! 1st off, I will apologize if I'm wrong BUT I don't beg anyone. I'd hate to sit there & beg for someone's forgiveness when I know that my words/efforts won't make a difference.
And even worse, I hate it when someone knows my explanation won't make a different but yet they sit there & keep letting me make a fool out of themselves all so they can get that ego boost...all so that they can get that natural "high" in knowing that someone is begging for them back. Ugh I hate it!
Once you're 100% sure that someone has done the unforgiveable, should you really even let them explain? Why let them explain if you already know that there's NO chance of them being able to redeem themselves?
I personally won't let a guy "explain" if I already know that I'm done with him no matter what. I know that the min. I let him explain, he's going to automatically think that he's still got a slight "chance" & I'd hate to lead someone to believe such if such wasn't really true.
Hell if anything, during the time when someone has done the unthinkable, you're supposed to let them feel the "burn" of what it's like to lose you. But if every time they do something unforgiveable, they get the chance to sweet talk their way back into your life, it's no wonder there's a 2nd & 3rd+ time they betrayed you!
I hate it when someone lets me explain myself even though they already made their mind up. It's a waste of both our time! 1st off, I will apologize if I'm wrong BUT I don't beg anyone. I'd hate to sit there & beg for someone's forgiveness when I know that my words/efforts won't make a difference.
And even worse, I hate it when someone knows my explanation won't make a different but yet they sit there & keep letting me make a fool out of themselves all so they can get that ego boost...all so that they can get that natural "high" in knowing that someone is begging for them back. Ugh I hate it!
You should get the book 'Gut Feelings, shortcuts to better decision making' by Gerd Gizerenzer. Though sometimes i think you need to follow a sticky situation through in order to get the reasoning, it gives the whole fiasco more weight to know why something's not right rather than just a niggling feeling.
Thanx! I will read it!
Posted by ellessque
I'm a scorpio.
Yeah, I'll let them explain.
It's usually for the amount of time it takes me to dig a hole in the earth that is about 6 feet deep.
AND plan the murder
i think everyone deserves to be heard...
im usually thinking
1.) have i heard this before?
2.) i want some ice cream?
3.) im going to be nice just to get back into your pants and then never speak to you again
im usually thinking
1.) have i heard this before?
2.) i want some ice cream?
3.) im going to be nice just to get back into your pants and then never speak to you again
I've done this recently a couple times... with the same perosn. Everyone told me not to even listen, don't even open the door. Being on the other side of this situation:
I didn't do it for an ego boost, it didn't even make me feel better after wards honestly. She had done some messed up stuff and wanted to apologize/explain, I knew it wouldn't change any thing but for a while I kind of wished it could have. It really only slowed down my moving on, threw doubt in my mind, made me second(or thirtieth) guess myself. I still had questions and things I didn't understand. It took a while to accept that I'll never get my answers and that's okay. Until I got to that point, I always caved in and let them talk.
Posted by krysrenee7
And even worse, I hate it when someone knows my explanation won't make a different but yet they sit there & keep letting me make a fool out of themselves all so they can get that ego boost...all so that they can get that natural "high" in knowing that someone is begging for them back. Ugh I hate it!
I didn't do it for an ego boost, it didn't even make me feel better after wards honestly. She had done some messed up stuff and wanted to apologize/explain, I knew it wouldn't change any thing but for a while I kind of wished it could have. It really only slowed down my moving on, threw doubt in my mind, made me second(or thirtieth) guess myself. I still had questions and things I didn't understand. It took a while to accept that I'll never get my answers and that's okay. Until I got to that point, I always caved in and let them talk.
I am guilty of this myself. Even though I have made up my mind about someone, I believe there are two sides to every story and I am willing to listen to the other side not because I want to give them another chance but so that I can have a better understanding of where they are coming from.
From my experiences people want to explain themselves or their side AFTER the action/deed or whatever caused the reason for explanation has been done.
I agree with LibraSid on the fact that allowing someone to explain can slow down the process of moving on because all you end up doing is second guessing yourself. But for me, what's done is done.
From my experiences people want to explain themselves or their side AFTER the action/deed or whatever caused the reason for explanation has been done.
I agree with LibraSid on the fact that allowing someone to explain can slow down the process of moving on because all you end up doing is second guessing yourself. But for me, what's done is done.
Posted by Archimedes
I am guilty of this myself. Even though I have made up my mind about someone, I believe there are two sides to every story and I am willing to listen to the other side not because I want to give them another chance but so that I can have a better understanding of where they are coming from.
Makes sense.
But see me, I don't really need to know where someone is coming from if I know that what they're gonna say won't really matter. After you're done with someone for good b/c of what they've said/done to you, "understanding them" becomes irrelevant. Most of the time a person's actions to begin with, speaks for itself & explains. But I think people are willing to listen b/c deep down, we all want to be "kept" or we convince ourselves that we'd be cold hearted for not listening.
But actually, I do more harm to myself AND the other person when I listen with only 1/2 ears. Instead of fully listening to them after I've got my mind made up, I'm:
1. Thinking of what I'm going to say next instead of listening
2. If I do respond, It'll probably be to the 2 or 3 small things I picked out of their entire conversation lol
3. I'll be giving the other person the thought that they have a chance at redeeming themselves (false hope)
& 4. I'm opening the door for me to eventually start doubting myself.
5. Just in case they say something that really hits a chord or pisses me off, of course you're gonna respond, thus to only get further off track & probably away from the main issue
Either way, all 5 suck for both people in the situation! I won't let someone explain unless I know there's a chance for redemption. And even then, their words probably won't make a difference at 1st when I'm furious in the moment. I'll only hear what I want to hear (probably waiting on them to say the WRONG thing lol) so I can tear them a new ass!
@K7
From reading all of your insightful and interesting posts, and listening to how you scratch your head at most of the things that people do, only one person came to mind.......the character Carrie Bradshaw from SITC! Don't get me wrong, I liked the way she thought about relationships and broke things down, however, what I found to be unattractive was her co-dependancy and desperation for attention and approval. To me, even though she had her aha! moments, she never fully "got it"
From reading all of your insightful and interesting posts, and listening to how you scratch your head at most of the things that people do, only one person came to mind.......the character Carrie Bradshaw from SITC! Don't get me wrong, I liked the way she thought about relationships and broke things down, however, what I found to be unattractive was her co-dependancy and desperation for attention and approval. To me, even though she had her aha! moments, she never fully "got it"
If Carrie did eventually "get it" the show would have been over in the first episode.
Posted by CappyyLuv30
"It took a while to accept that I'll never get my answers and that's okay."
This is the WORSE part of the whole process. :/
I hear you, but do you really want to hear a bunch of bullshit from a butthole?
If they are low enough to shit on you for no reason, then they have no place in your life and their crap excuses have no place in your head.
I don't think it's ok but I have wasted too much of my life wondering why the hell someone did something so heinous.
They did it. They chose to do it - it suited them at the time - vote them off the island.
I agree. Sometimes the who's, what's, when's, where's & whys DON'T matter. Some things are unforgiveable & not ok regardless of reason/justification/excuse.
I think it's torture when someone sits there & lets me explain even though what I have to say wouldn't make a difference. it's a waste of time. Plus the other person only hears what they want to hear. They'll pick out the most irrelevant/tiny details in your sentence & harp on/hold onto that!
I think it's torture when someone sits there & lets me explain even though what I have to say wouldn't make a difference. it's a waste of time. Plus the other person only hears what they want to hear. They'll pick out the most irrelevant/tiny details in your sentence & harp on/hold onto that!
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You let them explain themselves even though:
1. The little angel/demon on your shoulder told you not to pick up that phone
2. Your gut intuition told you not to take the chance of falling for their lies/excuse again
3. All your friends/family members told your hard-headed ass NOT to listen!
4. Even though what they may/may not have to say won't really make a difference (since you've already got your mind made up)
Ugh! Don't you hate it when, against your better judgement you allow someone to "explain" only to end up being sucked back into their web!
I mean let's face it, it's rare that someone can get called out on something & actually take 100% blame, responsibility & accountability. Most of the time, they're just looking for a "Quick fix" & will say anything to get back in your good graces (cough: lies!).
Don't you hate it when you're 100% sure that someone has betrayed you but yet AFTER you've let them explain themselves, you leave the conversation doubting your own intuition & end up slightly believing their bull/lies all over again?!
Some people say that it's cruel to not let someone explain themselves. Yeah yeah yeah, you might've gotten it wrong & they might not have even done you wrong to begin with, BUT at the same time, you sort of feel kind of naive, weak-minded or gullable the min. someone allows you to explain.
My co-worker told me a lonnnng time ago that HOW you react to someone's betrayal the FIRST time can determine whether or not they betray you again. In other words, if you always allow them to explain and/or further sweet talk you into believing non-sense, you're sub-consciously letting them know that they can do the same thing to you again & get away with it. I never forgot that.