Mother Dear,

In my defence I don't go out much, and when I do I go a little over board. I also spent most of my childhood with elders so put me, a 19 year old, in a group of 10 year olds, I swere to you I will have a blast! Pathetic, I know.
So there are two goofballs in my weight traigning class. Taking it for the summer session. And these guys are hilarious. They're funny looking too. One is a really big guy and the other is really small. My mom doesn't like that I talk to them. I know, I'm 19, I shouldn't let her stick her nose into my friendships. But she has a pretty big nose and still live under her roof so... yea. I've ended relationships becuase of her before. But I wont get into that one.
Last night they took my phone after class and I chased them. I took the little guys phone and wouldn't give it back untill I got mine. The big guy was trying to get it from me. I kept biting. lol yes I bite. And I get on the floor because he's strong and I had to cover it to keep him from getting it. He got it anyway. So being childish and stubborn I stay on my back on the floor while the big guy offers his hands to help me up. Until he convinced me to get up he was standing over me. We walk to the parking lot to his friend and on the way I see my mom angry, walking to her car. Holy Shit! She saw! :/ My water bottle was inside the building, left it when we started the chase. I asked the big guy to get it for me while I got my phone back from the other guy. My mom told me to get in the car, didn't even let me wait for my water. She yelled at me the whole way home. She said that I'm not going to finish this class (so there's another fail in my life). She continued to yell and stuff. She's saying that people are busting their asses off in college and I'm playing around like a little slut. Sheesh it's weigt training! What busting am I suposed to do mother?! She also said that I should just find a job instead because she's not going to let me go to college anymore. She's like now that I know what kind of things you're doing there's no reason for college. -_-
The real reason for her bitching is race. She doesn't want me to befriend unatractive people, esspecially if they are not of our race! Oh yea, and I'm not a virgin the way I was 'suposed' to be. I had to wait till marriage.
I think she asks too much from me. She married the man who RAPED her at 17! My dear father who can rote in hell. Divorced. Let her children face abuse growing up. Who is she to guide me—

And no it's not about teaching me to not make the same mistake she did. She happens to be a VERY blind woman! She didn't even suspect that daddy was sexually abusing me even when I droped innocent hints without knowing it was wrong what was happening to me. Did I mention she's sexist. She let her oldest son run the house. A mentle case only two years older then me! Now a drug addic! How on earth do I comunicate with her?! And let's forget about signs because she and I are both Sag. Which makes no scencs because she seems very okay with giving up her freedom to a man while I would take every punch my brother gave me and still hold on to mine!
She makes me feel so worthless. And sometimes I feel like she's right. I mean I get along with 10 year olds! I still wish I was in middle school dealing with the simple stupid dramas. Or talking about boys and fashion in high school, go to a prom or a dance, wear a big poofy dress... *sign* I don't remember being a kid. But I feel like I shouldn't be wanting all this. I wish I could fix every little thing inside me, to be mature and have confidence. I feel like all I've done is used cheap tape and glue to hold myself together. And all I do is add another bandage here and there, some tape over here, and quick drying glue around it all. Sometimes I use crayons to color on all this mess, cover it with pretty colors, flowers, hearts, happy faces... I feel so brocken. And I feel like it's my fault for not being able to fix it all. I'll never be what my mother wants me to be. At least she was able to raise three kids on her own. Sometimes I want to yell at her, tell her if her dear God did exist would he give a great person like you such messed up kids?! Where's God? Where HAS he been mother?!

Your mom sounds a lot like my grandmother -- my mother's mom.

What sign is your mom and what sign are you? I'm just curious.

WHAT

LS don't hide things from me

*duck face*

Ohhhhhhhhh

Posted by Layna

Posted by cappysweetie
Your mom sounds a lot like my grandmother -- my mother's mom.

What sign is your mom and what sign are you? I'm just curious.

"... comunicate with her?! And let's forget about signs because she and I are both Sag. Which makes no scencs because..."

🙂

click to expand

Thank Layna,

In all those words I missed what sign she and her mom were lol. I was paying attention to all the other stuff .....

oh dear 😢 If I wasn't tired last night I would've said more -- the abuse from the father, the mom still dictating her life while she's an adult and so on ... OMG, it's so funny because my mother's mom (my grandmother) is a Saggie too ans when my mom got older she had very, very, very similar issues. The worst thing about it was that I knew about those issues, so its taken my mom (who is a pisces) forever to get past it.

I hope she will feel better, it's tough to deal with things like that.

She makes me feel so worthless. And sometimes I feel like she's right. I mean I get along with 10 year olds! I still wish I was in middle school dealing with the simple stupid dramas.

My Saggie grandmother never let my mom finish middle school actually, she had to stay home and care for her younger sublings. Yep, exactly the same almost ... she had to be a second mom to everybody else while keeping her one older brother (a gemini) out of trouble. Yep, that's a tough deal.


Did I mention she's sexist. She let her oldest son run the house. A mentle case only two years older then me! Now a drug addic! How on earth do I comunicate with her?!

Oh yeah, my Sag grandmother is totally like that, it's all about the guys. They get in trouble and the girls have to tend to them. Since my mom left, she let nearly every uncle, except for 2, run her house :/ I was young at the time but it didn't mean that I didn't pay attention to things.

She like that with the younger generation of kids too but I choose not to be apart of it all -- sorry if my brother (who is also a gemini) makes mistake after mistake, I can't cuddle him if like the rest of them, that's why he keeps doing stupid shit.

I will admit that I'm one of the few (maybe the only) female in the family that's not really connected to the point where they come to me if one of the boys are in trouble, they know how I feel.

Anyway, yep, I totally feel you on all of this.

Well to the OP
I think you're from a different culture than me. Do you mind me asking where your family's from?

My family is from Armenia. But I was born in Los Angeles. My mom was pregnant when she came and I was born 12 days after. It's hard because she can be open minded some times. SOME times. And she's always nice. But when if comes to gender role playing, marriage, friendships... :/
She's already looking down on me. She doesn't fully trust me because I'm not a virgin. She married my father because he took hers. Sure things slide away fast but it's always barried for the next time she explodes. I notice I do it too. I keep things in, it's in the past, but when part of that past involves the problem that's happening then it all explodes. From what I know Sag's aren't the most emotional personallity types but me, I cry over everything! My daily life is pure waste of time. At least I had a gym class to look forward too. I refuse to let my mom keep me out of school so if she refuses to drive me then I'll walk for all I care. When I treathen to move out she crashes. She tells me to leave and wont let me at the same time. I've always had this guilt thing built in me from childhood so everytime we fight I don't eat because I don't want her to see I need her food. I use nothing. I starve myself. But when she's not around I sneak into the fridge. All this makes me feel like a syco! So fucking dysfunctional! I feel like I'm loosing it. Thank God she works most of the day time. She's never home either. Always cleaning and taking care of relatives. She's created this image of a saint. And maybe she is a good person. But she is far from a good mother! I'm still in my pjs. There's no reason for me to change anyways. Don't even feel like feeding the animals though I will. I sleep all day, watch tv all night. We live under the same roof but in different worlds. Have I seen my mother today? Reality, yes. Honestly, no. We just pass eachother by. The only times I remember her from my younger years is during my suicids. She'd be angry with me at first and then loving. And she'd always promis change. But every time I came home from the hospitals it was the same. If she's not working, she's not home. If she's home she's in the tv. And though we have nothing to hold us together she still wont let me go. She says that after all she's done for me I would just walk away, be selfish, heartless, etc.

It's so hard -_- I don't know the first thing about taking care of myself. And all the shame my entire family, relatives included, would put me through. I feel like I need a hero, someone to save me. I've always dreamt of one for as long as I can remember. And just thinking about the way I think, about my wishes and dreams I feel so out of place in this world, as if I'm delusional, not in touch with reality at all. I want an escape. I've been wanting to join the army but... I just don't know. If I leave then my mom wont get money. Yea, there is money involved. Section 8. That's why she doesn't let me have a job either. Or our rent would rise. And we just moved again, and this time to a nice neighborhood. If I leave she wont be able to aford it. And it's not as if she tortures me, it's all mental. Maybe it's just me...? And I'm not as innocent as I migh sound. When I get pushed to a point I become dangerous. And I don't want to hurt some one. When she wanted me to get rid of my cat I had already planed to poisson her beloved brat dog once she was taken from me. I was just so angry and hurt that these things come to my mind. But she let me keep my sweet kitty. I mean, all these years in therapy, I'm trying to be a balanced and healthy person, but I feel so stuck I don't even know what to say or do. And maybe I'm just making is sound worse then it is too. I've always had a secret life. This site is another secret place for me to visit for one. Maybe I should just pretend to be who she wants me to be, only to her, and continue with my secret self until I can find my safe escape.

^^^ don't tell anyone about the place either, ok? The internet is like one big tabolid-gossip machine. You tell one person the everyone will know how to find you.


You need to really things out b/c you have a lot at stake here. Just remember that something will have to give -- no decision you make will be without it cons.

Also, the fact that you've realized that you don't know how to really take care of yourslef is a good thing, now its time to learn. There's the internet, the library ... no one has to know why you are at the library, right?

Don't be afraid to lie, we all have to do it at some point, make up for it later by doing good deeds or something like that.

No matter what, you are 19 years old, the one that's stopping you is .. you. Make a future happen for yourself, even if it means upsetting and disappointing those close to you.

You only have one life to live, girl you better learn how to take control out now.

lol no one can find me on the internet because I don't even use my real name. No one I know would guess this site and my computer is private. Besides private I never save my passwords.
I've thought about these steps for so long. I know enough to survive I guess. But... I feel like my heart is going to stop. No one I've ever known did what I want to do. I have no suport either. Though... that's never stoped me from run aways and sticking to my word even when my older brother would beat me. I feel like my whole life is a war. Everyone in my world is against me. The only people who have some understanding are out of reach and have no faces, nothing but words of advise. -_- I need to start planning already... Figure it all out and finally stand on my own feet.

I had my share of battles after my dad pasted away, not as bad as yours (what you are going through is similar to my mom's upbringing). I wasn't suppose to go to college right out of high school to be honest ... but I went 🙂 my only regret is staying in-state insteading going out, had an opportunity to go but I didn't b/c I didn't want my mom all upset.

Now that I look back, I should've went to Princeston baby 🙂 I sooooo would has bragging rights PLUS who in the hell would up an opportunity like ...

----------------- me. What in the holy hell was I thinking? If I had the mind then that I have now, mom would had to get over it.

Instead, stayed in-state and worked while going to school. I think it was good for me to that too but damn it all, I wish I was stronger in the mind back then to not care so much and just go w/ my gut.

Posted by Dianasart
My family is from Armenia. But I was born in Los Angeles. My mom was pregnant when she came and I was born 12 days after. It's hard because she can be open minded some times. SOME times. And she's always nice. But when if comes to gender role playing, marriage, friendships... :/
She's already looking down on me. She doesn't fully trust me because I'm not a virgin. She married my father because he took hers. Sure things slide away fast but it's always barried for the next time she explodes. I notice I do it too. I keep things in, it's in the past, but when part of that past involves the problem that's happening then it all explodes. From what I know Sag's aren't the most emotional personallity types but me, I cry over everything! My daily life is pure waste of time. At least I had a gym class to look forward too. I refuse to let my mom keep me out of school so if she refuses to drive me then I'll walk for all I care. When I treathen to move out she crashes. She tells me to leave and wont let me at the same time. I've always had this guilt thing built in me from childhood so everytime we fight I don't eat because I don't want her to see I need her food. I use nothing. I starve myself. But when she's not around I sneak into the fridge. All this makes me feel like a syco! So fucking dysfunctional! I feel like I'm loosing it. Thank God she works most of the day time. She's never home either. Always cleaning and taking care of relatives. She's created this image of a saint. And maybe she is a good person. But she is far from a good mother! I'm still in my pjs. There's no reason for me to change anyways. Don't even feel like feeding the animals though I will. I sleep all day, watch tv all night. We live under the same roof but in different worlds. Have I seen my mother today? Reality, yes. Honestly, no. We just pass eachother by. The only times I remember her from my younger years is during my suicids. She'd be angry with me at first and then loving. And she'd always promis change. But every time I came home from the hospitals it was the same. If she's not working, she's not home. If she's home she's in the tv. And though we have nothing to hold us together she still wont let me go. She says that after all she's done for me I would just walk away, be selfish, heartless, etc.

I knew it! My boss is Armenian, from Egypt originally.

Anywhoo. The problem is you're American. You've grown up different than she did, no matter how hard she tried to shelter you and keep you from it. Your perspectives are different. What she sees as absolutely inappropriate, you think is innocent and petty.


Cultural differences. *shrugs* It's a common struggle for children of immigrants. ESPECIALLY females.
I had a friend whose parents were from Honduras, she was actually born there but moved here as an infant and they got her her citizenship...she was very very sheltered. Not allowed to wear makeup, had to dress like a child. Her mother was horrified when she started dating...she was 18!

I should have finished that first one....you look just like one of her nieces who is from Jordan. So I figured you had to be Jordanian or Greek (close enough.) Also, how you describe your mother sounds oddly familiar... :/

I have heard so many cases like this being a social work. School is your way out honey. What your mom is doing is not safe. You can get so much financial aid and student loans for the mere fact that you are on section 8. It will pay for dorms, books, tuition.

I am a survivor of sibling abuse and other things as well. It took me YEARS to get over it. Celibacy being one of the things that helped.

You can't live for your mom and cater to her feelings because she is not helping you. Don't waste your life away. There is opportunity around the corner. You just have to grasp it.

Like LS said, you are your own hero.

Abuse happened to you but you are not the reason why it happened. Don't feel guilty anymore. Love yourself.

Also, I am in the military as well, which toughened me tremendously. Going through basic training help me to realize my self worth.

Its not all peaches and cream though. Its very tough. Your first step is talking to a recruiter and weigh your options. I know they are not big on medical records that show physical or mental "issues" but it might not show up and recruiters will lie, cheat, and probably even kill (lol, j/k) but they will do anything to get you in the military.

Thats a good option to really start your life and get away AND be self reliant if you are smart about it. Just know we are in war time and theres a possibility of deployment. But just an FYI if you are interested.

justSophs 🙂 I am very interested. Thank you very much for the information