Should you tell her?

My friend just found out that her ex (2 yrs ago) that gave her 2 stds, was on the DL & who is a serial cheater, is in a relationship with some girl.

On 1 hand, she wants to tell her b/c she wishes that someone had told her back when they were together. There's no telling that she would've actually listened to warnings coming from his ex's BUT hey...there's nothing worse than finding out AFTER the fact that everybody knew you were dating such a A-hole & didn't tell you until AFTER the relationship was over.

On the other hand, she's of course plagued with the theory that it's "not her place" or business to say anything.

I've encountered this situation alot. You can't save everybody, but in some cases, reaching out to even strangers could save lives, even if it means you having to intrude on what everybody else considers "NOT your business."

And I got ta thinking...how many women/men would be std free had others from their pasts took a stand & warned them?

What if you see a girl entering into a relationship with a guy that everybody knows is violent or has a permanent std...why wouldn't you tell her? Are you more afraid of feeling dumb if she doesn't believe you OR is the aspect of warning someone to stay away from fire actually wrong?

I think there absolutely ARE some things you oughta tell the next person. Maybe you shouldn't hunt them down or go out of your way to tell them, but I don't think people would mind you warning them, especially in the very beginning of them dating someone new. They may not believe you immediately, BUT atleast they'll always keep it in the back of their minds

And no, I'm NOT talking about silly things like, going back & telling your ex's new girlfriend that she oughta watch out b/c he likes porn or cheated on her 1 time. I'm talking about things that can be life-changing or threatening AND things that you know for a fact that your ex is most likely NOT to ever reveal to the next new person.

Uhhh, if she's at risk for STDs, then yes, she should let her know. It's not like she's tell her the guy is a bad boyfriend. This is her health, not her relationship (well, probs) at risk.

I agree. I think more women in relationships shouldn't be as closed-minded to hearing outside advice from women who have already "survived" him lol. I encourage that moreso than I do everybody minding their own business. If telling can save a life or spare a heart, it's no longer called "minding your business." Sometimes NOT telling makes you just as bad as the person holding the secret.

@Spriritualized: So if you'd been given HIV by your ex & then found out everyone else knew, it'd be ok for people to say, "Well hey we didn't tell you b/c for all we knew, you might've had it from the beginning too?" Huh?! That makes no sense. Someone can't knock you for something that they can't see or haven't yet picked up on you. There's a million "what ifs" but that's irrelevant when the person you're looking at appears to be innocent. Even still, NO ONE deserves to be given an std or to be in a relationship with someone whose bound to hurt them.

We're ALL grown; that's besides the point.

"if she's careless enough to sleep with a guy like that, without asking him to get tested, it's her business, and not yours"
I agree that you shouldn't be sleeping with anyone raw unless you've been tested 1st. But let's be real. Some people don't use protection b/c they genuinely trust eachother. I don't think getting an std should be the punishment/penalty for trusting someone you're seriously in a relationship with. True, we can all be a little smarter & go get tested, but I don't think that saying, "Ha! That's what you get!" is the best response/solution either.

Half of the wrongdoing we see going on in the world today technically isn't "OUR BUSINESS." But sometimes, that's besides the point. If you see your dad hitting your mom, guess what? That's NOT technically YOUR business, but I bet you'd step in, now wouldn't you! If you knew that your best friend's new girlfriend was really a transexual, you'd tell him, now wouldn't you? If you saw a man pacing around town with a gun, you'd call the police, now wouldn't you? If I wrote a post on here asking for advice/help, you'd respond (even though it's NOT technically your business), now wouldn't you?

Posted by spiritualized
you're friend acted like a child. she made a stupid decision and she got tagged for it. it's about as simple as that. I don't know the details of that relationship, why she would blindly trust this man with her life, but hey, that's what happens. ...

Now you're putting words in my mouth. I didn't pat her on the back at all. I told her that she should've never slept with him unprotected from the beginning.

She found out about the 2 stds, him cheating on her & him being on the DL all at once. It's not like she'd secretely knew for years & stayed. For me to call her decision to trust her own fiance, stupid is crazy. Most of us trust our partners, it's just that some of us later regret it, while some don't. It's a risk we ALL take, but it doesn't make any of us stupid, unless of course we knew up front that the person wasn't trustworthy. She was about to marry this guy AND they were trying to have a baby so that's why she slept with him unprotected. According to your theory, even married women must be "stupid" for sleeping with their partners unprotected. Technically, even a married man can have an std that he'd had for a long time or accumulated while cheating during the relationship.

And you say that it's only your business once it involves people that you know. Well, that's my argument. Let's define YOUR business. Even what your parents go through is NOT your business b/c their relationship has nothing to do with you. BUt yet you choose to make it your business; that's a choice that YOU make.

And the same goes for other situations that we encounter with strangers. I agree that sometimes we strangers oughta "stay out of it" but in other situations, I hate that society frowns down upon intervention, especially when someone's life is at risk. Saving someone is just as important rather we known them for years or just met them this morning.

Alot of people like to "Stay out of it" until THEY are the ones in the blindly bad situation, wishing that others would've atleast told/warned them.

There are actually some people left who will listen and/or atleast take outside advice into consideration.

Btw, my friend knew about this new girl b/c this guy recently wrote her on facebook apologizing for everything he'd put her through. When she looked at his page, she saw that he was in a relationship with some girl. No, she doesn't know his new girlfriend, but she feels a strong urge to atleast say something b/c doing so could save this other woman's life.

There's this false misconception that only DUMB/STUPID people get fooled. And that's NOT true. Some of the smartest & most intelligent and cautious human beings have fallen prey. There's always been good liars/manipulators just like there's always been bad liars & men who make their manipulation obvious or somewhat of a "red flag" for the new girl to immediately pick up on.

The question wasn't if his new girlfriend had enough logic to discover that her man was secretely gay or had 2 stds. All the logic in the world can't predict whether or not someone has an std. There's no "look" that an infected person has, unless they've obviously got herpes all over their face!

We obviously share completely different views on that. And hey, that's perfectly fine. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

I'm all for people falling on their own asses or learning the hard way just like everyone else, BUT I'm also for warning others in certain situations, especially if I get the sense that they have NO idea of what's going on. Minding your business is appropriate in some situations, but technically intruding into a situation with the RIGHT intentions won't kill us either.

There's nothing wrong with warning someone, even strangers, as long as your intentions are pure & in the right place. A stranger's life is just as important & worth saving no different than someone whom I actually know.

There are plenty of situations that I can think of that could easily save my (or other's lives) if someone were to step in & warn/help me:
1. Abuse victims constantly suffer not b/c they're "dumb" but instead b/c outsiders are too afraid to step in (some for understandable reasons)
2. Not only is using protection a must but it's also the responsibility of others who already KNOW this deadly secret to tell, even if doing so only saves 1 life.

If the "mind your own business" theory was 100% solid, there'd be NO such a thing as the criminal justice system!

I agree with you & Candeh...My friend has thought about confronting her ex 1st, but she decided not to b/c of the kind of person her ex is (pathological liar). Honestly, I can understand her point. After all, if this guy hasn't yet told his new girlfriend, it's b/c he made the decision NOT to & in that case, no one (especially an ex) can force/push him to reveal something that he's already made the decision not to tell.

If she gives her ex a heads up, she figures her ex will purposely convince his new girl not to listen to a thing she says. Granted, the same could happen regardless, but I believe that your chances of being "heard" drastically increase when you can get to that person before others do.

I'm torn on this. And so is my friend. 1 part of my advice involved me telling her to tell the new girlfriend b/c of principle, regardless of whether or not the new girlfriend would believe her (that's something she can't worry about); atleast she'll know that she did the right thing. The other part of me remembers how caddy/petty women can be. If anything, sometimes the new girlfriend will purposely block out the ex simply b/c she's "the ex" even if everything the ex is saying are things that only someone whose been with him would know.

Aaaaaaah, who knows

She should mind her own business and take it as a lesson learned. The reason she caught 2 STD's is because she wasnt being safe herself. If the new girlfriend also wants to be unsafe then maybe she deserves the STD's and will learn in future to take better care of her health!

I agree with the std thing.

But what about the other "skeletons" we may all know that the new partner doesn't? Like someone being a sex offender, being a violent criminal, someone whose on drugs, etc....I mean these are all things that the average person with these kinds of skeletons usually DON'T intend on telling their new partners.

I get that minding your own business is necessary sometimes. But what I don't understand is why people make it seem like telling/warning others would kill them, either? I mean would it technically kill you to pull her aside & say, "Hey, I know we don't know eachother, but I just wanted to pass some info along to you that I wish had been passed on to me. Your man may be different now, BUT just in case he doesn't plan on revealing his past, I thought you deserve to know that he was convicted 2 years ago for child pornography! I've noticed that you've got 2 little kids so I figured you oughta know from me just in case he never planned on telling you himself."

In that situation, can I really say, "Welp, since she didn't google him & do her own background check on him, she deserves the fact that her children are living in a house with a registered sex offender?" That's crazy!

The theory that new partners should be "punished" or "taught a lesson" when dealing with a skeleton that can be life/death or life-changing is just crazy. It's 1 thing to let your toddler put his hand on a hot stove b/c you want him to "learn his lesson" but it's another thing to stand by & watch a Herpes/HIV-infected player engage in relationships with innocent victims.