Staying Together/Breaking up for the Kids

whats better?

to stay together for the kids sake? or to breakup for the kid's sake?

How about staying together for the sick doggy?

That basically what im doing right now. Sad but true.

If two people are forcing themselves to stay together, when they need to be apart from each other ... then their relationship is so much in dire straits that certainly it has been reduced to destroying each other. How is a child suppose to feel when his/her own parents are the crazy people, who can't be trusted nor respected?

Children love both parents equally .... so how are they suppose to feel when the parents are at each other's throats?

Children live what they learn ... forcing yourselves to stay together once the love has turned into hate is teaching your kids what kind of values?


On the other hand ... just because two parents seperate, doesn't mean the kids have to be torn in two, or used as pawns. And that is what seems to happen most times. The parents are so attached to their hate for each other at that point, that they cannot comprehend anything else.



Because people, for the most part ... and will sacrifice nearly anything/anybody to get a chance at hurting the ex, even their own childrens emotional well being.

I didn't stay and my 3 girls all suffered within themselves regardless of the amicable split...but then what they went through may also have happened anyway just for being teenagers. Hard to say what is really good for the kids but you have to do what is right for you in the end... I don't think any way is going to be right for the kids!

I left for the kids when I realised things weren't going to work out in the long run, some people asked would I not have stayed until they were a bit older so they would be more able to "cope" but I thought it would be better for them if they didn't have to cope with being teenagers on top of seeing their parents split up, also that would have meant another 7 years of living in what was an essentialy unhappy household and learning the wrong values about relationships. 3 years on the children are well balanced, have a routine that they understand and enjoy and are able to talk easily to both of us about the other parent with no anxiety that they may be saying the wrong thing etc.. I have two sets of friends who are staying together for the children and its not pleasant to witness, I don't think they will be thanked in the long run for this - and who wants their children to grow up with this skewed way of looking at relationships between men and women.

Posted by capgirl75
In my case it was better to be apart.
I did not want my son to see us miserable all the time.
Also my husband was having an affair and he brought our son to meet the other woman. Didn't want to be confusing so I left.

I know a lady who stays with her husband because of their son. The two of them are never in the house together and they both have significant others. What's the point? I think they are setting a poor example and their son will be more screwed up,

Agreed

Posted by sweethearts
I didn't stay and my 3 girls all suffered within themselves regardless of the amicable split...but then what they went through may also have happened anyway just for being teenagers. Hard to say what is really good for the kids but you have to do what is right for you in the end... I don't think any way is going to be right for the kids!

My parents DID stay and I am compleeeetely treetruncked up.
How I have managed to not become a serial killer (yet) is beyond me.

I used to pray at night they would get divorced just to stop all the yelling. Even now, a thousand years later, if I hear someone yelling my brain just shuts down.

I thought and thought about this before I finally moved out. It finally came down to that I felt it would be better for Little Girl if I was a somewhat distant but positive factor, rather than an up close and negative one. It has been almost two years now since I moved out, and I still feel it was the right decision. Little Girl isn't very happy with this arrangement, but has adjusted. It really was the best thing for all involved.

I also think there is an awful lot to be considered. I can't imagine there is a single answer. But there is mine.

My parents stayed together. They somehow agreed to live seperate lives under one roof. They had seperate bedrooms. My father worked nights and slept all day. My mother would leave the house all day and then come home right before he was about to go to work. They did not argue. They rarely interacted. It worked for them but I have love and trust issues as a result. I believe my parents sacrificed their own happiness for the sake of my sister and I. I often think of how much they had to love us to do that.

I was 16 when my parents split. I think the main problem for me was that they lost focus on us kids while it was happening. Mum had to work hard to bring us up, dad wasn't that involved and we didn't have joined up parenting. I sort of drifted off as a result. BUT, I now realise that when I married I found myself in the same railway track marriage that my parents had. They had been unhappily married for years so I didn't have the experience of watching a strong partnership where both partners care about each other. They were quite distant from each other and showed no affection, and I ended up in a marriage that repeated this pattern. Needless to say it didn't last past the first difficulty.

I would say split, but stay focused on the kids. Hard to do though.

Posted by ReallyNiceAriesPerson

Posted by sweethearts
I didn't stay and my 3 girls all suffered within themselves regardless of the amicable split...but then what they went through may also have happened anyway just for being teenagers. Hard to say what is really good for the kids but you have to do what is right for you in the end... I don't think any way is going to be right for the kids!

My parents DID stay and I am compleeeetely treetruncked up.
How I have managed to not become a serial killer (yet) is beyond me.

I used to pray at night they would get divorced just to stop all the yelling. Even now, a thousand years later, if I hear someonees yelling my brain just shuts down.

click to expand

Totally the same situation.

My sister has major man-hate issues to the point where she is in her twenties, won't let any man in and has major anxiety at the thought of a relationship.
If I hear a man yelling angrily, my stomach turns.

Kids need happy parents separately , not miserable ones together.