Which kind of abuse is worse?

Physical--Emotional--Sexual--Financial--Or Verbal?

I know, I know ALL forms of abuse are NOT ok & can be seen as equally devestating. BUT if you had to pick ONE, which form of abuse would you say is the worst to experience in relationships? And I say this, adding in that only 1 form of abuse would be present in the relationship if possible.

I think sexual abuse is the worst. Technically, it's already physical abuse & with this kind of abuse there's almost always some form of verbal or emotional abuse behind it too.

I've actually heard some people say that verbal abuse is the worst kind, while of course there are always those who believe that any kind of physical misconduct of any kind is as worse as it gets.

My 3rd cousin has been in an abusive marriage for over 10 years & she honestly believes that physical abuse is way LESS painful than verbal/emotional abuse. I tried to get her to understand that the 2 are interchangeable, but in her mind she'd much rather be slapped around than mistreated verbally. She explained to me that physical bruises eventually go away but emotional scars remain forever or atleast a lot longer. Interesting.

I'm just curious to know what you guys think.

I say verbal/emotional. Words cut incredibly deep. To be hit is absolutely terrible, but to be called worthless, disgusting, that I deserve nothing o that I shouldn't live... it eventually manifests into something so much bigger and dangerous. Words are like a parasite; once they get in, they can drain everything; and getting the words out after a relationship is done is much harder than healing a bruise.

Generally if there is physical abuse, there is verbal as well. If it's just verbal, it doesn't always have to be physical. Imagine hearing the most terrible things for years.

Whoever created the saying, "Sticks & stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" was a liar! Sometimes words hurt the worst! Even though you can forgive someone for abusing you, you will NEVER forget their hurtful words. I am a firm believer that certain words spoken to you will/can last a lifetime.

It's the truth of the words that hurt you .. not the words if they have no relevancy.


That seems to escape people .. in their oblivion.



Words that mean nothing, don't hurt ... only if they are the truth, can it hurt.



::: shakes head :::


People are so fucked up ... they think that if the truth be told to them, then they are being abused.

@APiscesPrincess: You're right. What difference does it make if someone's words are technically true IF their intention is to cause emotional harm?! Even if someone has upset me, there's still effective ways to communicate & maintain a decent level of respect for someone. THAT is what people forget! I don't have time to figure out whether my enraged husband/boyfriend is saying something that is true. If he throws low blows, his intent to throw those blows is what will wound me & THEN the words (especially if UNtrue) will hurt as well.

The mere fact that someone's INTENT is to hurt, humiliate, embarrass or condescending you is what hurts the most. And that's not even counting the words they actually use. For example, the "Silent treatment" is just that, silent communication. BUT the mere fact that this technique is 1 used to emotionally manipulate or with ill intentions, explains why some people can maintain their wounds even if no technical words are spoken

the worst child abuse any kind

Posted by aPiscesPrincess

Posted by P-Angel
It's the truth of the words that hurt you .. not the words if they have no relevancy.


That seems to escape people .. in their oblivion.



Words that mean nothing, don't hurt ... only if they are the truth, can it hurt.



::: shakes head :::


People are so fucked up ... they think that if the truth be told to them, then they are being abused.

No that's not true at all... it hurts when someone you love calls you those things or hurts you with their words even though the words aren't true. It hurts because someone you love and who's supposed to love you shouldn't even think of those kind of words to try to hurt you.. and because you know they're trying to cut you deep with your words even if the words aren't true. So you're basicly saying that because he called me a bitch, and slut, etc. that it's true.. and that it's true that I should've let a guy follow through and rape me and maybe kill me.. etc.

click to expand

Yes, it is true that he called you all those things.


You have to have a firm grasp on reality to get this ... this person you speak of in your example is a person you know very well, since you are talking about love and feelings. this means you know him well enough to know character traits, which means, you already know he is going to say hurtful things to you.

so .. are you standing there, still giving him the impression that you are loyal enough to him that you will take his abuse?

then you deserve it ... because you've always had the choice to walk the fuck away.


Instead .... there you stand, his partner, taking the crap that by you being there, accepting how he feels about you, by the fact of you still being his partner = he's telling you the truth.


You are a bitch, you are a slut ... you are bitch because any decent girl wouldn;t still be standing there to let him say those things to her, and you're a slut if you are sleeping with a man who would say those things to his bitch.


If you aren't shackled .. then the door has always been open. Because you choose not to walk through it doesn't make you a victim .. it makes you an idiot.

Posted by krysrenee7

Even though you can forgive someone for abusing you, you will NEVER forget their hurtful words.

How disgusting .. not surprised though, since it's you who said this, which means, you must actually believe it.

It's because of people like you as to why it's allowed to continue .... you encourage acceptance, which plants the seeds for continuance.


What the fuck difference does it make to never forget if you're still the fucking partner because you forgave.


You're an idiot, Krys ... and people are just now starting to open thier eyes to it.

@ aPP: since it seems you have a trend going here .. ie attracted to guys who are a little rough around the edges, go with the verbal abuser. Then learn how to deal with it. The words only hurt if you let them, a punch hurts no matter what.

It sounds like you've heard the worst thing ever that anyone could say to you. So, figure out what you should say back, and be on the ready. If you prepare ahead of time, you can think of something to turn that around on your verbal opponent. It's like dodging a blow in a boxing match. Figure out how to not let that statement hurt you, and figure out what to say to diffuse that situation before it ever comes up again.

It's ok for you to be powerful over your life and to decide all the what's and when's of your life. You decide, you always decide, and that's the way it should be.

..human nature for others to pull low blows when they are trying to manipulate you or get something from you. It shows their lack of character, but if you're still attracted, you need to learn how to deal with people like that. A witty comeback, don't let them see you cry, etc. etc. lol, google "How to deal with immature bullies."

I agree with Jru2. Perhaps someone who is constantly trying to manipulate you may still appear to be charming on some levels, but perhaps that is the best trick of a manipulator. Even after all of their abuse, their victims still make excuses for them, minimize the abuse, etc.

It's true that sometimes you just have to let things roll off your shoulders. You shouldn't let people see you sweat, BUT after a certain point, you should move away from the person who is constantly abusing you. Standing up to an abuser the 1st time might be ideal. BUT if there is ever a 2nd or 3rd time the abuse happens, it's no longer about wearing your pride or backbone on your shoulders to them. No, it's time to leave & perhaps go be by yourself OR with someone whom won't abuse you at all.

The best way to stand up to an abuser is to leave them. Talking back to them or coming up with witty comeback lines doesn't always work. Yes, they may be surprised that you stood up to them, BUT the mere fact that you're still taking their crap speaks LOUDER volumes to them. And if someone can sense that you're not strong enough to leave them, the abuse will continue.

The goal is to escape the abuse altogether. Problem is, the usual & only way to do so is to leave the situation altogether, not beg & plead for someone to finally respect you when they've already made the decision/choice NOT to. Staying won't intimidate the abuser or somehow make them realize what they're doing wrong; it gives them chances t upgrade their level of abuse(s) to a higher level. That's why there's almost ALWAYS a 2nd or 3rd+ time.

All this abuse has been created by you.


If the girl walked away everytime .. then he wouldn't do it anylonger.


However, she stays, which gives him the right to do it.

Posted by P-Angel
All this abuse has been created by you.


If the girl walked away everytime .. then he wouldn't do it anylonger.


However, she stays, which gives him the right to do it.

Yeah, but then we wouldn't have those passionate scenes on skinimax where the quarreling lovers are pushing each other against the wall and ripping each other's clothes off either.

such a fine line between passion and abuse

Abuse is never the victim's fault! The abuser is always 100% responsible for their own actions. The victim, however will eventually "enable" (NOT CREATE or cause) any continual abuse simply by staying around. The boiling water was gonna be hot whether someone touched it or not. But the min. someone touches it only to continually get burned, it still does NOT change the fact that the water was gonna be hot anyways. But if you're so tired of being burned, you'd quit putting your hand in the pot of boiling water.

Abusers won't stop being abusive even if 50 girlfriends run from them. For every 50 women that are strong enough to leave, there are another 100 women who will just as quickly/easily become new prey. The cycle won't ever end for the abuser UNTIL he gets help.

Posted by jru2

Posted by P-Angel
All this abuse has been created by you.


If the girl walked away everytime .. then he wouldn't do it anylonger.


However, she stays, which gives him the right to do it.

Yeah, but then we wouldn't have those passionate scenes on skinimax where the quarreling lovers are pushing each other against the wall and ripping each other's clothes off either.

such a fine line between passion and abuse

click to expand

That's a big issue definitely... and I like being pushed up against a wall during passionate moments (not having my clothes ripped, though).

no I think she means like when a man calls you biotch....even though I know I am not one I do act bitchy sometimes. But I still dont want to be call one or anything else....words can hit harder than a fist...whether you believe it or not

K7,

I was abused verbally, emotionally, financially and physically all during one relationship. I don't know how well I can answer your question because with being abused in so many different ways during the one relationship it is kind of hard to seperate them out in some ways. I had never, ever been abused in any way in my life before. It was a truly terrible experience for me, but it reminded me of my strength and these days I do not tolerate that sh*t from anyone. Whatever the abuser has been through in their life is NO EXCUSE to inflict that upon another person. My theory is, they know how awful it is so they should be the last person to do that to someone else.

I don't necessarily agree with you that verbal and emotional abuse is interchangable. Emotional abuse utilises more than just words in order to carry out the act. So to me, they are separate. The verbal abuse actually didn't hurt me at all, because it was all nonsense. However, having someone that I loved constantly trying to (emotionally) play games and manipulate in order to gain control of me emotionally, that really messed me up and I know it frustrated the hell out of him because he never succeeded. He tried to distance me from my family & friends so that he could own & control me completely (we lived together at the time). This guy was a real piece of work, and I feel like my words are not conveying how bad this was.

Having experienced all forms of abuse except sexual (so I am leaving that one out of the equation) I think physical abuse is the worst. And I didn't even get completely beaten up. I was however: spat on (to the point where I couldn't see a thing coz he spat all over my eyes and face, there is more but I'm not going to share). Pushed, shoved, thrown to the point where I was launched in the air multiple times. Been picked up by the throat and threatened. Been dragged by my arm whilst slipping all over the floor (had been in the shower). Been shoved up against walls and had him threatening to smash my pretty face in. Once, after we had broken up, he even threatened to kill me.

I am over all that now, as I said it was a long time ago. I am a pretty strong person, but it took time for me to get over and it has definitely made me more wary.

I also left out in my previous post, that physical abuse is more than just bruises and blood and scars. That messes you up on a lot of levels. I think people need to be aware of that.


P-Angel: Some more info, since I know you like the deeper side of things. I was very naive back then (I was so damn sweet and kind hearted too), and even though I didn't realise it at the time I was still not fully recovered from my previous relationship. I stayed longer than I should have, because first I took the time to fully analyse myself and the situation from multiple angles because I had to know whether I had done something to deserve this behaviour or not. Eventually I concluded that I had not.

My biggest mistake was, then I tried to understand it. "Why is this happening if I haven't done anything to deserve it?". Eventually my senses came to me and I just got the hell out. I put it down to the fact that he was a mess. He had been abused from his childhood all the way growing up until he left home at 16. His parents had split up when he was very young and his father had custody of the children. He did tell me some stories of his abuse, and even though I have not identified him in any way here I don't think it is fair to share those stories - they are not mine to tell.

Posted by aPiscesPrincess

... in my mind I made excuses for him, like he couldn't help it because of his past.. And that he loved me but it was just a 'messed up kind of love'.

That is my point, exactly. So long as there are women willing to not only tolerate it, to also make excuses for it ... it will continue. However, it can be stopped. The day that women NEVER tolerate one single second of it, it will stop .. the cycle can be broken.

Every time a woman tolerates this when children are apart of the equation, then the woman has accomplished in putting the program into another person's psyche.

NEVER will I believe that the cycle cannot be broke, like some people might not only believe, they would also counsel .. and counselling this is disgrace, for it instills within the psyche that this is acceptable due to helplessness.

Bullshit !!!!

A person who chooses to stay in this type of situation is ALWAYS at fault, and to accept that, is the way to break the cycle.

To say that this person is always the victim and not at fault is the way to enabling the continuance of it.

Sorry to hear about you Oddball and PP ... glad that both of you have come to the realization that you are the party's who are responsible for what you subject yourselves too.

It's not abuse if the person has chosen to stay .. it then becomes a term of the relationship that is acceptable and forgivable.


A person who choses to stay is not a victim, not ever.

As for the topic ... it speaks of situations in which is not abuse, for it suggests that the participants apart of a relationship.


If no victim is involved, then it isn't abusive .. and as you've described what you mean, there doesn't appear to be any victims.

A victim is a person who has no control over their situation ... what you've decribed are situations where people actually have control of their demise, and choose to stay in the relationship, eventhough it is wrong for them do to.

P-Angel, you are right in many of your points and if I remember rightly you speak from experience. I think one of the biggest problems that I have heard of and that I also experienced, is that it so takes you by surprise that you kinda just "freeze" - like you have no idea what to do or how to handle the situation, so for a while you don't do anything. It's very strange!

I also think that many women don't properly handle the situation due to low confidence, insecurities or whatever and I think these women are going to be the ones that play the victim card as well. I find it sad that many women are not raised to be strong, confident and to see themselves as equals. So many are raised to be subservient to others, and all those years of conditioning has got to be hard to break out of for the first time. I'm not saying it's ok, I'm just saying I can see why.


PP - I was different from you in that I didn't make excuses for him (in my mind nothing made it ok to treat me like that). A "messed-up" kind of love was NOT was I was looking for and has never appealed to me. Part of what got me was that he was great for the first few months, and I was completely stunned at the way he turned. Mr Nice Guy was all just an act, but typical me "had to be sure" before I got out. Sigh.


One thing is for sure, I'm a lot wiser now because of it!!

Posted by aPiscesPrincess

Posted by P-Angel
It's not abuse if the person has chosen to stay .. it then becomes a term of the relationship that is acceptable and forgivable.


A person who choses to stay is not a victim, not ever.

I agree with most of what you're saying. But sometimes the woman is too scared to get away, and maybe tries but is afraid. So it's not that they're necessarily choosing to stay. I don't mean that was my case completely though, but it is for some women.

click to expand

That is NOT true. The psychological is not a black/white topic. 1 of the most dangerous aspects of abuse is in that it can psychologically change/hinder the victim. We cannot underestimate the power of abuse. No, the women who get beaten are NOT ok with being beaten. But they are convinced that if they leave, they will be killed or severely punished (and sometimes they are). Even the women who are strong enough to leave are still subjected to the other person's abuse, especially if the abuse continues after they leave the relationship. People are only ok with saying a woman is a victim once she's finally been killed, but sadly people don't have the heart or education to understand the nature of abuse, therefore they minimize/underestimate the power of abuse. Lack of resources is 1 way to find yourself stuck in an abusive situation. Welp, since outsiders (people like me & you) are considered "resources" too, it only makes it WORSE & 10Xs harder for abuse victims to get help or escape if their resources aren't educated and/or equipped to understand. That's like saying that children who get abused aren't victims. That's crap & you know it.

Child Sexual abuse... worst, worst! Next, unless you've got thick skin, verbal/emotional abuse.

"The words only hurt if you let them, a punch hurts no matter what."



Truth.


All abuse can be harmful. To what degree, depends on the person.

Physical--Emotional--Sexual--Financial--Or Verbal?

I know this doesn't answer the question, but I lived with a gentleman who had all the 5 abuse groups covered🙂

Financial and emotional are going to take the longest recovery time I think.

I think if you're with a guy that physically hurts you it's your responsibility to call the police and have him arrested. Not just for you, not just for him, but for any other woman he gets involved with in the future.

Too many women let men get away with it. Thats why it's so damn common.

Yep, and if you tell the police and they don't do anything and you tell all your "friends" and they don't care it leaves the perpetrator free to do it again - hopefully if he reoffends someone will believe me.

Posted by Scorporella

I disagree with P-Angel, that the woman is at fault if she stays. She may enable the abuser by staying, however, one must keep in mind the psychological impact that abuse has had on her. Women stay in abusive relationships for various reasons, financial, lack of support and/or resources, fear, low self-esteem, has tried to leave in the past only to be dragged back.

Disagree all you want, but, I'm still right .. she is indeed at fault that she gets harmed if she stays. All the things you mentioned, the various reasons aren't valid reasons ...

.. they are excuses she tells herself to stay in the relationship because she wants to