why is it

That you find someone that embodies what you are looking for, but there is something missing? That spark isn't there.

Posted by christinelovessnickers
That you find someone that embodies what you are looking for, but there is something missing? That spark isn't there.

Maybe you don't really want or need what you thought you did. 🙂

Well b/c everyone isn't gonna be the one. There are many admirable & likeable people. Doesn't mean you're going to naturally connect with them all.

Or the personality trait(s) that would most likely secure a connection hasn't been let out of the cage yet. Some people don't wear their heart (or the traits most likely to hook you) on their sleeves, hence the reason some connections slowly but surely grow over time right along with the layers of themselves that they reveal to you.

And then other times the connection was possible, but there was something in YOU that was unconsciously blocking that connection ---> Distraction, being too fearful of a good thing, not allowing yourself to live in the moment, unknowingly being emotionally unavailable, and/or seeing someone through rose-colored glasses.

Everything in real life isn't always like it is in the movies babe. In the movies, sparks immediately start flying & the connection is so grand that neither person can deny it. However in real life, those kinds of connections ARE possible, but just take a little longer to feel & take on. Some times.

Many happily married couples can attest to the fact that sparks didn't necessarily fly from the very moment they laid eyes on each other or at least any time soon like they each expected

If it's been weeks or months and you still haven't felt a connection, well then they may not be emotionally or spiritually compatible with you. In that case, just accept that & continue on in your search w/o a huge list of expectations

I don't ever expect anything immediate. The ones that are more immediate tend to be more physical based.

I just feel like maybe o should have felt it by now— Maybe not though...

All good points guys. Thank you.

Star lover, maybe.

There is this guy I reconnected with. We have known each other like 5 years. We dated for a short time when we first met, but he scared me off because he was trying to move really quickly and I wasn't ready.

We just hung out for the first time in years and he told me that I have been the one he has never been able to shake feelings for. That he wants to get married, family, etc. He told me to stop running because he won't break my heart.

He is a nice guy. He is well educated and is doing very well for himself. Very giving too. Would take care of my daughter and I any way he could. I totally appreciate and respect thoughts qualities. I feel bad that I can't get excited about hanging out with him.

lots of people embody what you want. if you look around.

but do you want them? or are you just wanting not to be alone?

*i mean that they have everything, but if it feels empty....

maybe they might fulfill it for you, but maybe not.

it's a GAMBLE you want to take on.

Posted by christinelovessnickers

I just feel like maybe o should have felt it by now— Maybe not though...

It depends on what you mean when you say "by now."

If it's been a day or two, relax and stop expecting real life love & chemistry to be like it is in the movies. If it's been a week or two, still relax & ask yourself if you both are engaging in talk or activities that are most likely to activate a connection in the 1st place. If it's been a few months, then maybe it's time to start reconsidering whether or not he's truly "all that" like you originally thought he was.

Sometimes people may feel a connection by simply gazing in the eyes of the other person. And then other people have to actually engage in conversation or activities that truly bring any potential connection to the surface (kissing, talking about anything, hugging, going places where there is fun involved, going to quiet/romantic places where both people can truly experience the energy of the other person without tons of distractions preventing them from doing so, etc.)

To be fair, sometimes you have to give yourself and the other person enough time & opportunity to allow a connection and the momentum to build. Just b/c a connection may be immediate doesn't mean it'll last and turn into marriage where 2 people walk off into the sunset together. And other times just b/c the connection wasn't immediate doesn't mean that it wouldn't have ever come.

Just depends on how much effort 2 people truly put into feeling each other out. The whole, "I didn't feel fireworks on our 1st date" thing is silly. Not saying you think this way. Just giving you many different perspectives & scenarios that may either turn out to be all bad or all good (with the right amount of patience) =)

how stupid.

Posted by Montgomery

Posted by christinelovessnickers
That you find someone that embodies what you are looking for, but there is something missing? That spark isn't there.

Maybe you don't really want or need what you thought you did. 🙂

click to expand

+1

I thought the same thing. Oh, you THINK this is what you really want in a person? No spark? If you think a spark is what defines something significant to a potential relationship, then you've been watching movies too much.

And if this supposed spark IS supposed to be there, then maybe what you think you seek isn't what's really right for you after all.

Posted by christinelovessnickers
Star lover, maybe.

There is this guy I reconnected with. We have known each other like 5 years. We dated for a short time when we first met, but he scared me off because he was trying to move really quickly and I wasn't ready.

We just hung out for the first time in years and he told me that I have been the one he has never been able to shake feelings for. That he wants to get married, family, etc. He told me to stop running because he won't break my heart.

He is a nice guy. He is well educated and is doing very well for himself. Very giving too. Would take care of my daughter and I any way he could. I totally appreciate and respect thoughts qualities. I feel bad that I can't get excited about hanging out with him.

Sooo, you're willing to settle due to bs spouted from his stupidly eager self and the fact he could potentially be a security blanket in life for you and your kid?

No. If he moved too fast and you weren't down, that was already red flag number one. Now he's talking marriage and family, trying to talk you into dating him, and you still aren't feeling it.

Dude's more concerned about his own personal life agenda than he is about yours. Just because someone is interested in you doesn't mean you HAVE to give them a shot. Too often, women are expected to owe guys some sort of obligation if they show interest. But if you aren't interested, well, you just aren't.

This is less about spark and more about you considering forcing something to happen for superficial bs that involves financial security.

Unfortunately, stuff like this happens and it's a life lesson.

Note, the fact that he's being so pushy about dating you in both instances is a bit telling of his emotional maturity. I don't blame you for not feeling it. It's such a big turn off when guys try to coerce you into dating them.

Posted by duchessedenemours
If you plan out what you want in your head and then meet someone like that, you are liking the ideal, not the actual person.

Hmmm sometimes yes & sometimes no.

That'd be like saying that anybody who knows what they want won't ever meet a person who's actually what they want lol

Just ask plenty of couples lol Hell some of them are only couples in the 1st place b/c the person they met embodied the very type of person they were ideally looking for.

Of course you've got to get to know someone before you can confirm that they are in fact what you want, but nonetheless, we all have imagined the kind of person that would be right for us. Given that, it makes a lot of sense to meet & feel an immediate intense attraction to a person who embodies that image you already had in your head.

Some people just wing it & end up still wanting to get to know you even if you were nothing like your typical "type," but even then, you're only attracted to them b/c they've showcased a trait (physical or personality) that you had already decided was admirable or worth an incentive to continue getting to know them

Posted by krysrenee7


Many happily married couples can attest to the fact that sparks didn't necessarily fly from the very moment they laid eyes on each other or at least any time soon like they each expected

Let's not leave out..that MANY times people "settle" anyway and are NOT happily married.

Posted by rockyroadicecream

Posted by christinelovessnickers
Star lover, maybe.

There is this guy I reconnected with. We have known each other like 5 years. We dated for a short time when we first met, but he scared me off because he was trying to move really quickly and I wasn't ready.

We just hung out for the first time in years and he told me that I have been the one he has never been able to shake feelings for. That he wants to get married, family, etc. He told me to stop running because he won't break my heart.

He is a nice guy. He is well educated and is doing very well for himself. Very giving too. Would take care of my daughter and I any way he could. I totally appreciate and respect thoughts qualities. I feel bad that I can't get excited about hanging out with him.

Sooo, you're willing to settle due to bs spouted from his stupidly eager self and the fact he could potentially be a security blanket in life for you and your kid?

No. If he moved too fast and you weren't down, that was already red flag number one. Now he's talking marriage and family, trying to talk you into dating him, and you still aren't feeling it.

Dude's more concerned about his own personal life agenda than he is about yours. Just because someone is interested in you doesn't mean you HAVE to give them a shot. Too often, women are expected to owe guys some sort of obligation if they show interest. But if you aren't interested, well, you just aren't.

This is less about spark and more about you considering forcing something to happen for superficial bs that involves financial security.

Unfortunately, stuff like this happens and it's a life lesson.

Note, the fact that he's being so pushy about dating you in both instances is a bit telling of his emotional maturity. I don't blame you for not feeling it. It's such a big turn off when guys try to coerce you into dating them.

click to expand

Security blanket is something I definitely am not looking for. I can take care of my daughter and myself just fine. I just mentioned that because I know that is the type of guy he is. In fact, he had been trying to hang out for awhile, but I avoided it because he said he had purchased a gift for me...I felt it was awkward since we weren't even dating.

I think you are right about it being his agenda, mayb

That's what it sounds like- his own agenda at work and he isn't particularly worried about your own.

I got back in touch with a hs friend/crush several years back. It was made known we both liked eachother. Good lord, from then on, he started laying it on thick. All this talk about getting together, that he'd move out here so we could be together, was totally full speed ahead.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting here wondering what the rush is considering we hadn't talked in like 4-5 years, hadn't seen eachother in like 6 or so, and I had no idea if I still had feelings for him. But he was so ready to move into something oh so srs.


This lasted like a month. Then he disappeared.

He was in a rush to get married and settled down because HIS life goal was to get married and have a family by 26. He'd found someone who would fill that need and he settled down almost immediately with her. His sister let me in on his behavior later on. I wasn't mad or upset, but just a little wtf at the craziness involved.

That said, he held little regard for my responses or feelings and was full steam ahead because he was mostly concerned about his life goals at the time and not mine. Hell, I wouldn't have been able to fulfil them for him, so it was good he found the chick he did.

I dunno, when you come across a guy who is that pushy and so focused on his wants or needs with no regard to hers, I don't see it as a viable option for the female. tbh.