Confronted Scorpio stung me hard!

You did not reveal THE LIE
nor "his reason" ( which you said is believable and checks out )

People tell their kids there is a Santa Clause
only to let them down later, so ...

only you can decide if his lie and reason are forgivable.


If you checked into "my" background
I would at least hope that you found "the real me"
and not the 20 other Google references of dudes with
my same name who are ...definitely not me.

Do tell.

So familiar, been there, done that, twice! Both times I found out something that I didn't expect her to do. She never admitted anything nor apologized even to this date. She knew what she was doing and probably wouldn't agree to it in principal but she did it for a reason that she probably would never tell. But I do trust that she had no intention to hurt me.

Anyway, she felt accused both times and probably felt more so that I didn't understand her (hence I believe she did things for a reason). And more importantly, she felt that I was digging up and checking on her. Scorpios seem to be extremely private in many aspects and secretive as you have read many times.

I have learned to deal with this. Instead of a major confrontation, I'd simply bring it up calmly, be short and precise then drop it. This way he knows that you are aware of the lie, you are not stupid but then he can retreat and have his space to deal with the emotion. Scorpios go by their feelings. You can argue a feeling logically. Bring it up again and see what he thinks after a while when he's over the emotion.

Would love to hear from others about my approach. I'm still learning.

Posted by bluemoon2
Good! You deserved to get stung real fuk'n hard. Hope it leaves a scar!

Amen brother.

I think it says a lot in itself if you have to go digging in his past because you can't take what he says at face value. Also, how long have you guys been together, or are you guys just still dating? If it's the latter...he doesn't have to tell you because it's really none of your business. If he choose to lie about it, obviously it's a sensitive subject for him; money to men is a big deal. Just because he lied about it, doesn't make him to be a complete liar....he could have just lied about it because it was something he wasn't ready to share with you. I also noticed that you stated..."everything else he has said about himself has checked out." Exactly how much snooping are you doing and why do you feel the need to do it? It also depends on how you confronted him about it as well...was it in a demeaning way, or even like you were looking down on him....? Personally I feel you shouldn't have confronted him about the situation until more time past...or if you began to see it was effecting how your relationship with him was functioning. If you guys are in a committed relationship and serious, I can see why you would be mad...or even if you lent him money like someone else asked above. However, if not....I can see why he would be pissed and stung you. You pried into something that was none of your damn business, and you basically violated a scorp's privacy...regardless if it's public record or not.

I'm a little stumped by how he exactly lied about it. Did you flat out ask him, "Oh by the way, do you have any legal/financial issues I should know about?" because that's not a question people commonly ask. If you didn't, then him not divulging his financial situation to you and keeping it from you doesn't exactly make him a liar. Since you met this guy online, I completely understand your need to pry into any criminal history or civil litigation history he has, so you can't be faulted there. It's the lying portion I'm confused about. Was he frontin' like he had money or something?

Yes, it sucks that he lied but I'm willing to bet he did it because if it's a big deal to him and could make him look bad to you, he'd rather fudge the truth at first to put his best foot forward. Plus, you two are new and aren't even dating, so he probably didn't really feel any remorse for not being totally honest because the likelihood that you two will actually get together when living 1000 miles apart aren't terribly high. It's not right, but that's how we think sometimes.

When it comes to the apology, you may never really get a real one. I know that before my last relationship, I had probably uttered "I'm sorry" less times than I have fingers on one hand. During the course of my time with an Aries, it seems like I spent 50% of our conversations repeating "I'm sorry", so I've gotten quite good at owning up to my mistakes and apologizing for them, but if someone hasn't really been put through the ringer, or didn't have someone who drilled into them the proper way to apologize and WHY apologies are necessary, even sometimes when you don't feel you've done anything wrong, then his tendency to sting you, grumble, and try to move on when he senses that you're over it and are talking to him normally again will continue. It's a really, really difficult lesson to learn - the whole apology thing, especially when you're normally very defensive and self-centered to the point of seeing no fault in your actions. And to add insult to injury, even when we know we're totally and completely in the wrong, it can be hard to admit to having messed up and to choke out that apology. It's hard either way.

I understand your need to check up on him, and if I were him, I would have done a total snoop-check on you too, so all I can say is that if you really want him to apologize, you need to approach him again, but in a really non-accusatory manner, explain calmly, rationally, and sweetly why you felt the need to check on him, and try to appeal to his reasonable side. After a big blow up, that's what it usually takes for me to come around and soften up.

Posted by LadyLeo
The lie was about a financial/legal situation he is enduring now.He doesnt owe me much, but all relationships should be owed honesty. He has shared all other personal info, which checks out. To me, its not so much the lie itself, but the inability to accept responsibility. When I brought it up, he immediately admitted it, but was defensive...hence his back to the wall. I can forgive the lie as I understand it was made from his ego and fear that if I knew, I would view him as an undesirable, unsuccesfull man. What I am mainly concerned about is the fact he want from 0 to mudder trucking sting attack mode with such intensity.

What...Scorpios are intense? 🙂I appreciate that he first went into great detail to explain the situation to me, makes me think he does care that I know the truth and wants to make amends. I dont know...just wondering if he will have the ability, or caring to come back and apologize for the sting. I guess if he doesn't, he simply isn't the man I need to be with.

Calrity

In the "old days" ( we are traditional ) THE MAN was
the SOLE source of income / provision.

It was easier for him to conceal his finances because
we don't feel much like worthy men if we don't have bucks.

This is THE REAL REASON that he will avoid MEETING you.

And you found out on your own - which humiliated him.

There is a VERY LOW PROBABILITY that he can FUNCTION
in a relationship with you - he will feel unworthy
of you and this will, no matter how long you last,
EVENTUALLY BE THE CAUSE OF THE END of it.

Do you like this man enough to BEG him to meet you
DESPITE his financial issues and DESPITE his lie
( if he even lied - rather than simply CONCEALED )
about his finances?

If you do - better get at it with an explanation that

- you really like him as a person

- your investigation was to protect you from being
caught UNAWARE and held responsible for debts if you
ever lived common law for the prescribed period where
she legally would be a "common law wife"
- a legal partner in the eye of The Court

- it is a different world now than it was 100 years ago
and you have no expectation of anything but him pulling
only his own weight, not LEECHING off you -
You came on the dating site because you want a friend
and partner and lover to take care of you EMOTIONALLY
and share years with - not take care of you "physi

and share years with - not take care of you "physically"
and would RESENT being "a kept woman" - so this works for you

...if he wants to give it a try .... SOON... but express
that you are not going to sit around and wait for him to
get over his own opinion of himself due the finances
because you know "he will now ... or he will NEVER meet you."





God damned fucking forum

Thank you Scorpiopics...you really are a wise soul with your insights. Here is an UPDATE:

Last night I emailed him a heartfelt email explaining why I felt the need to verify whether he lied to me, for my self preservation as a woman meeting a guy online, the need to determine if he was a decent men or internet troll. I was very doubtful he would even read the email, seeing how he blocked me from the dating site.I thought for sure he could not recover from his embarassment at being caught and his anger at feeling betrayed. I spent the day practicing letting go of the outcome and hoping for the best.

At 1 am my time, he sends me a text saying "You have mail". I wake up to read a long, lovely email of his taking responsibility for the lie and giving more context at to what was behind it. He was also still feeling hurt that I looked in his public recorded history, but I think he is being somewhat naive as we have only been friends 4 weeks. I think he feels a closer bond to me, and trusted me, and thats why he cannot fathom a friend would do that. Basically he said "Why couldnt you try to trust me first?". Well, I DID...I had found out about the lie 2 weeks ago and asked him about it, which he continued to deny, but I held back on confronting further, hoping he would reveal it himself when we got closer. He didnt, and I just felt I could not move on in any capacity unless I knew. He was kind and loving and this really surprised me, as I fear this scop would just sting and bail. Maybe as he is a mature man, who is going through some challenges now, he is more receptive. I replied with a gentle reply, acknowleding him and said I hope we can forgive each other and be friends. Thats where I will leave it with him now, only friends. He is a great guy, but facing personal challenges and feel he would not be a good partner for me at this time. I am so relieved to know he opened up and responded and we didnt have to leave it as an ugly departure. I do, however, have the underlying feeling he will never trust me again. That is a risk I took, but my personal well being is more important that worrying about a guy who lied to be ever trusting me. He broke the trust, not I. There are consequences for every action we take. If he and I do not build a trusting relationship, I will be sad indeed, however, I just could not wallow in denial nor accept something so unacceptable as being lied to.

Posted by bluemoon2
She went from "he lied to me".
"Lied about his financial/legal situation".
"Lied to me about something".

to...

I felt the need to verify whether he lied to me

Snap!

Posted by ellessque
I'm feeling that we are not getting the entire story. something important is missing.

Snap again!

Spill the beans lady.

Posted by candyapples88
I'm a little stumped by how he exactly lied about it. Did you flat out ask him, "Oh by the way, do you have any legal/financial issues I should know about?" because that's not a question people commonly ask. If you didn't, then him not divulging his financial situation to you and keeping it from you doesn't exactly make him a liar. Since you met this guy online, I completely understand your need to pry into any criminal history or civil litigation history he has, so you can't be faulted there. It's the lying portion I'm confused about. Was he frontin' like he had money or something?

This is my feeling, too.

Posted by ellessque
I'm feeling that we are not getting the entire story. something important is missing.

...which makes it impossible to provide GOOD advice.

Posted by LadyLeo
he sends me a text saying "You have mail".

ahahahaha - this made my day! - a CLASSIC Scorpio move. lol

( So we know you will not delay in reading the email, leaving us
FUMING with resent and contempt ASSUMING you ignored it as we
frantically check our email 50 times a day for the next week. )

Posted by LadyLeo
I do, however, have the underlying feeling he will never trust me again. That is a risk I took, but my personal well being is more important that worrying about a guy who lied to be ever trusting me. He broke the trust, not I. There are consequences for every action we take. If he and I do not build a trusting relationship, I will be sad indeed, however, I just could not wallow in denial nor accept something so unacceptable as being lied to.

K ... he didn't bail because of an anti-trust issue.
He bailed because he was ASHAMED that you know he is
not man enough to be looking for a date.

He knows ( by his own standards of what makes a man
worthy of a female ) that HE HAS NO BUSINESS being
on a dating site. He was all show and no go.

His reluctance to meet you has NOTHING to do with
- trust
- you checking up on him

It has EVERYTHING to do with him believing that
he cannot give you what you deserve "financially".

If you want him - overcome it by telling him that
you want a friend/lover/companion ... but warn him
that if he conceals things - he'll just torture
himself with it in the end "so how's about it?"

If you have ANY desire to be with him ( I think
that you do ) you can overcome his lack of confidence
that he CAN give you "what you're looking for by
being on the dating site" ...

...by sending him the link to this thread.
Let him have insight into what you went through
and what is "really" holding him back
and that you are ok with it.

You can't pull his head out of his ass.
He will need to do it himself - and only after
becoming self-aware.

But still ... you never told us what his lie was.

If I did not lie to you, I would be slow to
own-up, acknowledge or take any responsibility
for it ... and certainly the "apology" would
take a looooooong long time.

Best.

Posted by bluemoon2
So this guy did not lie. And I don't think he stung her (dammit!), but she is such a badass Leo with her confrontation skills on... apparently nothing.

Yes he DID lie. Said he was divorced, when he is stilllegally married. Though seperated, and divorce pending, its still a big deal when you are on a dating site.

So, Im upset because he posed himself as divorced and specially said he was, and hit really hard on me, he is upset because I looked at public records to verify his marital status. Can we call it even? I can, he says he can, but time will tell. Two wrongs dont make a right, but they domake an argument. He is a good guy...who got caught up in wanting to be happy and not knowing how to go about it. I forgave him and he says he forgives me.

Posted by LadyLeo

Posted by bluemoon2
So this guy did not lie. And I don't think he stung her (dammit!), but she is such a badass Leo with her confrontation skills on... apparently nothing.

Yes he DID lie. Said he was divorced, when he is stilllegally married. Though seperated, and divorce pending, its still a big deal when you are on a dating site.

click to expand

If the dating site allows you to pick BOTH "Divorced" AND "Separated"
as two different designations ... I totally agree with you all the way.

If not and he was just communicating "I'm available" with answering yes
to a QUICK question so that you'd know he wasn't "just wasting your time"
or seeking an "extra marital affair" ... I can understand his point AND yours.

However - might talk to him and BE SURE this divorce will go through (SOON)
so that you don't waste a DIME or a minute of your TIME
on someone who is wishy-washy and may rebound.

The dating site does give the option to select: divorced, widowed, seperated....etc. He selected *divorced*. During our first convo, he told me he was married twice and divorced twice. Very specific. There is no doubt. The tax deal required he sell his home, while still married, and begin paying off the large debt. Apparently, the divorce cannot take place till year 2011 for his tax benefit.(and possibly hers, to relieve her of his liability).

Sounds to me like he's an accident waiting to happen to you.

Were either of his wives ....LEO?

Posted by scorpiopics
Sounds to me like he's an accident waiting to happen to you.

Were either of his wives ....LEO?

First wife - dont know sign, she was and is a raging alcoholic who abandoned their 2 kids to him.
Second wife - Cappy

Although I was going to remain just a friend, because he really is a cool guy (With probs), not so sure now. He asked me to join him for an IM Chat on Tues evening, but never specified time, and he didnt sign in to the site till very late (my time) and I had gone to bed. Didnt text to acknowledge or apologize yesterday. I texted late in the day to ask if all was well and what was up. He replied 3 hrs later, that he fell asleep, apologized, and would try to "track me down" when he got home. Send out the hunting dogs? LOL..didnt hear back from him. All in all, Im thinking he just cannot trust me and Im getting the blow off. Or the retrograde is jacking us both up.

On a seperate note: yesterday I had another 48 yr old SCORPIO guy on the dating site stalk the pants outta me. Had 2 short IM chats with him recently in which he expressed intense lust and passion towards me, wanted to meet me, said we were meant to be together. It was much more severe intensity that the 50 yr old. Finally, he made such a lewd comment to me, I had to block him (Said one of my pics was so sexy, it made him pop a boner!).He continued to send me F* up emails, professing his love, that he needed me by his side and he wanted me. Yuuuccckkk! Funny thing, before he got all psycho on me, he told me how serious *his* trust issues were in the past with women, and the one woman he loved was so loving and great to him, but he just didnt trust her and had to let her go. A year later, when he realizes the issue was his and he wanted her back, she had married someone else. So sad to live in distrust....we loose so much!

These two things don't add up to me...

"I just felt I could not move on in any capacity unless I knew." Ok...I can understand that. So you decide to email him a heartfelt explanation and he replies with a lovely email which gives you more information and explains more of the situation. He was kind and loving which surprised you because you thought he would just bail.

But:

"Thats where I will leave it with him now, only friends. He is a great guy, but facing personal challenges and feel he would not be a good partner for me at this time.... my personal well being is more important that worrying about a guy who lied to be ever trusting me. He broke the trust, not I. There are consequences for every action we take...I just could not wallow in denial nor accept something so unacceptable as being lied to."

I kind of feel like you set him up. I mean I'm putting myself in his shoes. If I got an email from someone explaining something so I could understand them better...and I responded by doing the same, but then I got hit with the 'lets just be friends' business, I'd feel VERY played with. I didn't see the emails so I can't know for sure. I'm just telling you what it felt like to read your posts.

You knew he lied right? Or at the very least you weren't getting the entire story? What could he possibly have said about that to appease you? I'm guessing nothing would have changed how you felt so why did you feel the need to explain yourself or get an explanation out of him? Why didn't you just let it go?

Shadows, the decision to remain friends was mutual, not just me. He acknowledged he needs to work on himself, not just the specific legal/marital issues, but personal character building and healing. Like us all, we make bad decisions repeatedly and cannot seem to know why or how to stop. He wants to heal and identify and learn how to change.

I work a 12 step recovery program, so I certainly know how to self destruct, yet learn a new way to live and grow. I would love nothing more than to date this guy, but when one is broken inside, they dont have much to give to themselves, yet alone give to a dating partner.

Ahh, I see. So you mentioned just remaining friends in your original email? If so then thats the part I was missing which led to my judgement.

I was in no way saying you should develop a relationship. I felt like you were open to moving forward with him if you could both reach a level of understanding and it sounded like you slammed the door on him when you got it. I just got the wrong impression about your email to him explaining why you looked into his background.

Regarding Retrograde: can non scorpions also suffer the ill effects you all have mentioned (in other threads)? I was first stalked byt this other guy on the date site and yesterday I was verbally attacked by a former friend for wanting to adjust the A/C temp in themeeting room we shared.

It was a vile, angry out control outburst that left me quite shaken. Just wondering if the retorgrade can make even a Leo insane!

Posted by bluemoon2
Hmm... think back to all "run ins", correspondences, and communications with this former friend who verbally attacked you. I wouldn't say that it isn't so much you wanting to adjust A/C temperature in the meeting room that you shared that caused that person to verbally attack you. There seems to be a lot of hidden stuff coming to the surface there, which yes, could lend hand to Venus in Rx. It could be good for you to recollect things that you did that contributed to the demise of the friendship...

I would look to the house that Scorpio is in your chart.

This man was more an aquaitance, not a friend. He also suffers mentall illness, I have no part in his unprovoked attack.

He is homeless and attends a support group I run.