Funny Astro Profile

Aries

Characteristic markings: red shoes, tapping foot

Lucky number: One.

On the job: The quintessential entrepreneur; not a company man. Does not last long at lower rungs of hierarchy; either pushes everyone else out of the way (if his boss doesn't push him out first for insubordination) or runs out on his own because he can do it (whatever "it" is) better than anyone else.

In business meetings: Acts like he's in charge.

Special skills: Scheming. Ramrodding. Shoving.

The unevolved Aries: Picks fights for the hell of it. Is alarmingly fond of bulldozers.

The uncharitable might consider Aries: Pushy as hell.

Children's book: Go, Dog, Go

Movies:
Backdraft
The Charge of the Light Brigade
The General

Philosophy: "I (and only I) am it."


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Taurus
Characteristic markings: Equipped with blinders, even if only metaphorically. Frequently found amidst wood and natural fibers. These are the people who keep L.L. Bean in business.

Characteristic behaviors: Using the word "my" to describe property owned with other people.

In business meetings: Can get nervous if things aren't explained step by step. Or steaming if things aren't going his way. Coping tip: If one attempts to commandeer or disrupt a meeting, look around the room for food anything will do and place it directly in front of the Taurus. Even bread will work as a distraction.

Special skill: Dexterity. These folks are incredible with their hands.

The unevolved Taurus: Does not know how to give presents. Talks only about what is staring him in the face. Can express concern for matters undetected by others, such as the decline in the quality of margarine. May find fulfillment working as a bank teller.

The uncharitable might consider Taurus: A stick-in-the-mud. When not a petty tyrant.

Fun fact: When Taurus shows something to you, he doesn't hand it over, but maintains a firm grasp while holding it out towards your eyes, if you're lucky.

Children's book: Ferdinand the Bull.

Movies:
Diamonds are Forever
A Fistful of Dollars
Greed
How to Marry a Millionaire
The Hunger
If I Had a Million
The Man Who Came to Dinner
Raging Bull
Splendor in the Grass

Philosophy: "I hold on to it."


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Gemini

Characteristic markings: An umbilical phone cord.

Characteristic behaviors: Eavesdropping on aeronautic weather broadcasts on short-wave radio.

Dream Gemini surroundings: Imagine a house with six phones; cassette and compact disk players; speakers in every room (including the master bath, the hot tub of which has a box of Mr. Bubble on the ledge); two VCRs (one wired through Dolby speakers in upstairs bedroom, downstairs den and kitchen); and three televisions. This house actually exists. Guess what sign lives in it.
Alone.

In meetings: Gemini is the one amusing himself (and everyone in eyeshot) with tiny electronic gadgets.

Special skills: Human Rolodex. The perfect Trivial Pursuit teammate, the demon opponent. Knows all the tricks you can do with the office phone system.

The unevolved Gemini: Has a 20-second attention span.

The uncharitable might consider Gemini: A Will o' the Wisp.

Fun fact: This is the person who actually calls all the numbers in the front of the phone book.

Children's book: Peter Pan.

Movies:
Broadcast News
Short Circuit
Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines
Twins

Philosophy: "I talk about it."


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Cancer

Characteristic markings:Exu

Good one, Melu

omg I just woke up and started reading this. It's hallarius! I like the part about putting bread in front of the taurus. That's so true for me, I could be in something heated or am about to boil and THEN, hereb comes the food. All is forgotton!

hahaha! taurusgoddess! that's damn hilarious.

for the cap...
"Philosophy: 'I work on it and don't understand why all you fools aren't doing the same thing.'"
if im ever complainging or crying... this is usually what i'm wailing.

This is d@mn funny Melusine, and most of all it gives a little different twist to what is normally said about each sign.

It's funny, when I was 12 years old or so I was obsessed with The Shining, I could never bring myself to read the book, but in the 6th Grade it was my favorite movie lol. I just loved it man.

I vividly remember telling the kids in my classes what REDRUM was, and the teacher used to get uncomfortable when I was telling scary stories to the students at lunch. I remember my Father would get calls from other parents saying that I needed to stop telling their kids so many urban legends lol. Turns out that the kids were repeating them at home, and then having nightmares about them hahahaha.

At that age, I just couldn't understand why other kids weren't as obsessed with the horror genre as I was!

Jesus Christ, Elliot - I was exactly the same as you when I was a kid, frightening my friends by telling stories from the horror films that I had seen. When I was 8 I was banned from hanging around with two of my best friends because their mother accused me telling them stories that the child-killing clown from IT was going to get them; but I didn't even know there was a film about a killer clown so I could not have tormented them about it. Because of the reputation I earned when I was young telling horror stories to people and making them cry I got accused for many things that I didn't even do.

Even today I'm pursuing my career at writing horror stories. I came close to getting a short story published in my College magazine.....but it was two graphic. My English teacher can't hardly look at me any more.

The Shining still remains my favourite horror story along with The Exorcist and Salem's Lot. When Danny pulls back the curtain (in the story, not the film) and discovers the decaying bloated dead women I still get the shivers. My horror DVD collection, mostly consisting of banned films here in Britain, has even scared off a few females.

Hahahahaa Pryce, my boi! Scorpios from Day One.

Hey Ellie and Pryce that is so funny cuz I was the same way! I LOVED horror movies and hearing scary stories. I was so good at faking possession of evil spirits (which I learned from watching movies) and scaring my younger sister, it was hilarious! Actually I could still scare the sh*t outta her 🙂 At school I loved scaring my friends also, I'd tell them scary stories I'd heard or talk about devils and they'd get all worked up lol. During recess or lunch time when no one was inside the buildings I'd talk them into sneaking into the dark halls that no one was allowed into and then I'd scare them 'till they cried hee hee hee, I wasn't really evil because I wouldn't let them cry too much, I'd comfort them and then do it again 😛 ha ha ha Actually, I'm such a kid because just last year I convinced my friend to sneak into this old, creepy museum when it was closed. It's dark and the floor boards squeak, I won't deny that a stupid manequin sitting in the judges chair did stop my heart for a second but I removed it and played its role 🙂 It wasn't my intention to scare my friend but she did nearly squeeze my hand into pulp, ouch. To this day I still love horror movies and tuning in to any weird stories and I also like cemeteries.

Characteristic behaviors: Using the word "my" to describe property owned with other people.

Philosophy: "I (and only I) am it."
--- Well if it's mine why not? lol
--- I do use 'my' a lot, hmmm just noticed that, how funny 😛

"If one attempts to commandeer or disrupt a meeting, look around the room for food anything will do and place it directly in front of the Taurus. Even bread will work as a distraction "

--- That is so messed up, it's true

*wrong philosophy 😛 [Philosophy: "I hold on to it."] there we go

"Mine", "I want", well hey it's just the way it is dammit! gimmie gimmie that sugar!

Dear melusine,

where did you get it from?? some points are so accurate!!

eyes : don't know 'bout intensity - but have received comments that " you look so deeply that we feel nervous or strange!!" " why are you staring" etc.

obsession : oh yes! about some things which I really like or LOVE.

mind reader : YES YES YES

recording & keeping files of others : NEVER - that is cheating and I would never stoop to that - all the same every little thing gets recorded in my mental file system!!

Possessive : yes - but very adaptable - again if you really like someone

locking drawers : YES - office & at home

secretive : VERY - although open and friendly to others

Movies and books : murder mysteries - love them

"The uncharitable might consider Cancer: Mommy's little cry baby."

It's funny because it would be so true if she wasn't such an inconsiderate bitch.

You can change it to: Cookiemonsters little cry baby

Hi Topazwoman,

I found it on some astrological website...don't remember the name of that site right now. Yeah, some of it kinda applies for me as well...except for the stealing hotdogs from squirrel part...unless I'm really really hungry that is...(j/k)

Mr.C,Yep, they are a bit of cry baby sometimes..no denying it.😛

but this is my favorite part,

Special skills: Kissing it and making it better. Whatever it is.

All the cancerians I know are very good at this...not to mention good kissers.😉

Well that's my demasculation for the day....

I've been told i'm a bad kisser more than once.

"I've been told i'm a bad kisser more than once."

Maybe you should stop kissing asses and get some real to practise on? lol.(j/k)

Nah, it was just once.

Mr.C,
C'mon,I don't believe you...I'm sure you've been told you are a good kisser plenty of other times...you are a cancer after all.So a few miss hits don't matter, I'm sure you were tired or otherwise distracted at those instances anyway...

ABCR2,it's supposed to be funny...I don't know why you are taking it so seriously.😢

Hmm,don't tell me you also believe that pisceans steal hotdogs from squirrels...
FYI I don't..except for that onetime when I's a kid and it was a toy not a hotdog...
I don't know how they found that out anyway...nosey astrologers, misinforming the public like that, they should be prosecuted!

I enjoyed the Queens of Passive Agression thing
hehe

Oh Crap! No! I was just making a joke!🙂

Something says me that Melusine gave us deliberately wrong aknowledge answer about her age...

the cancer i've been dating for a long time, is also the worst kisser i've ever known.
don't get me wrong...i really like him, but give me a scorp in the bedroom....PaLEAAASE.

The cancer I dated was a good kisser but horrid in the bed. Scorpio is OMG, I can't even say UNBELIEVABLE! at kissing? hehe (bulls horns sticking out)

That is SO HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!