Is this scorp gone for good?

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, though I sense I won't be too successful. Thanks for reading 🙂

I met my scorp last August and it was an instant soul mate connection. We were madly in love, sex was incredible, he was extremely protective, we were planning for the future. I tried to pump the brakes just a little in the beginning, but eventually gave in. It was so obvious that he was the one.

He knew that the one thing I couldn't handle in a commitment was threats to leave...which he did after a big argument - maybe 3 months in. I really needed time after that to rebuild trust sufficiently to be intimate again. He was impatient and hurt that I couldn't connect sexually. I was hurt that he couldn't be patient with me and take the pressure off so things could return to normal naturally. This was coming on top of me starting birth control that killed my libido for a month and really messed with my emotions (I ended it right after I realized what was happening). The bc issues hit during a vacation we were both very excited for. It was terrible timing.

There were more arguments and tension after that. He kept finding ways to ruin special events with moodiness. There were also various other stressors (including both apartments getting bedbugs after our trip and needing extremely expensive heat treatments). We were both so stretched beyond our limits.

In mid-March, he said he wanted to break up and didn't feel in love with me anymore. I told him that I would have to accept that if that's how he really feels, but would be very sad. He said he wanted time to think about it. We did 2 weeks of him thinking and then meeting over the weekend during which he said he needed more time to think and that he couldn't make the changes he wanted to make that quickly. He had really been examining his stuff/behaviors and started therapy. He said he was realizing how his past stuff and extreme anger at himself (for messing up career and finances 3 years ago after a very bad break up) is negatively impacting how he was with me/leading to feelings of unworthiness. (He has since fixed all that and is successful again, but is still kicking his own ass.) He owned most of our problems. I had also done a lot of reflecting during this time and was very clear about being sorry for my contributions to our issues and let him see all the positive changes I was making in my own life (increased spiritual development/meditation/making new friends).

After 2 weeks of the on and off, we had a very emotional, tearful, affectionate talk and decided to part ways so he could focus on his personal growth/healing. He said he thought that his change in feelings toward me was due to feeling badly about himself. He called it "a break", but there was no defined end point. I told him that while there was a window open and that I loved him, he was giving me no guarantees, so I couldn't give guarantees either. He understood and was very clear that he was coming back for me. I said that if he did decide to come back that I would always be gentle with him no matter where I was with things. I gave him some books that would help with his goal of increasing self-compassion (Thich Naht Hanh, Four Agreements). He was very appreciative. We had also discussed how all of the stressors had really taken a toll on the relationship. He seemed to intellectually get that, but to also still really be hurting from what happened between us.

After that, he stuck to my request of not contacting me (unless he was coming back). I wasn't so great at that. I found little reasons to contact him a couple of times in May. The first time was to say thank you for the tickets he had given me for my birthday in Feb. I had gone with a friend and met the performer, so I sent him a pic. During that text conversation that spanned most of the day, he said he was feeling stronger every day with his growth and that he fully intends to seize the moment with me when he's ready. He said he was confident that I would hear from him in the future, that he has the utmost respect for me, that I deserve the sun, and the moon, and the stars, and he will always hold onto the hope of one day being the man to make all of my dreams come true...but that he fears that by taking the time necessary for this process, he will lose me to someone else. I let him know that while I don't know what the future holds, the window was presently still open and that he just needed to be brave enough to come get me when he's ready.

There were a couple of other times that I reached out for little things (asking for a doc recommendation/letting him know about a great sale for something he loves). I knew he was going on a trip with his family (mom/bro/sis-in-law) around Memorial Day and reached out a bit before to wish him well. He let me know when he would be leaving and I surprised him the night before. When he opened the door, it was extreme scorp stare time. It was like being hypnotized by a snake. I went over there to give him a book for his trip. I asked him to close his eyes while I put the gift in his hands and instead placed my hips between his hands and kissed him. It was extremely passionate. We kept it near the door and stuck just to kissing (he said he wanted to do it right when we have sex again). He profusely thanked me for coming, said he dreams about me and asked if I dream about him, said he'd be thinking of me throughout his trip, and said we will talk when he gets back. The passion and respect were definitely still there. I thought it was important to show him that my mojo was healed and I was sexually available again for our relationship. I did as he asked and let him know I got home safe. We agreed it had been great to see each other.

Sadly, I got freaked out the next day and was worried that I had done the work for him by making a romantic gesture and he wasn't going to do the "seizing he moment" because I had made it too easy. I'm still feeling insecure as he did say he didn't love me anymore at the start of all of this and will really need to be reassured going forward. I asked to speak for about 5 minutes, but he said he was too busy and we could talk when he gets back. I was so hurt that he was going to put me on hold for 10 days like that. I felt stonewalled. I ended up sending a rather business-like text regarding the above and he assured me that nothing had changed (i.e., old rules still apply and he has to come back to me) and that he looked forward to talking when he got back. He let me know that he had arrived at the hotel safely, but no other messages were exchanged during his trip. He didn't send the trip photos he said he would. I got a message the day after he returned, but no mention of having that talk. I was hurt and furious, but just played it cool.

After a week and a half of sparse texts with no mention of the talk, I asked him to return the books I had lent him. All the drop off times except one that he offered were before work. I said it depends on whether he'd like to stay and talk for a bit. He said he would like more time before we talk as "The trip didn't go as he had hoped. He's feeling out of sorts and is working through that." I said that I understood.

When he did drop off the books and he asked how I was, I let him know that I was confused by his behavior. I gave him an out and said that if he doesn't want to see me ever again, he can tell me. I told him that guys acting like this make me think they want to be left alone and that my instinct is to do just that. I told him that him ignoring me was making that window close. He said that he wasn't ignoring me and that he wanted to sit down and talk, but needed another week. I said ok. (He had looked awful - dressed nicely for work, but just looked miserable).

NOTHING for 2 weeks. I had done some reflecting and realized that the text after the kiss may have put undue pressure on things and ruined a beautiful moment and I told him just that. I also said that I still support his process and that the door is open when he's ready to talk. He said he appreciates that and had really been feeling out of sorts and that he's finally starting to feel like he did pre-trip. But...no mention of talking.

I had finally hit my limit. By this point, it was 4th of July weekend and I had felt ignored/strung along for a month and that it was all about him. I sent him a long, loving text letting him know that I had tried - albeit imperfectly - to honor where he was in this process. I said I wanted to understand what he was going through, but didn't have the info to be able to do that. I let him know that respect had felt mutual up until a month ago and that's why I had been willing to go along with all this, but that we had to resume acknowledging the needs of both people. I asked that we sit down and talk to discuss where we're each at and decide how to move forward. He said he couldn't meet on the days I asked because he was with family, but didn't propose other days when I asked what would work. I called a few days later and he didn't pick up (said he was with family again - I believe him, they're close). He did, though finally make plans for a talk, which occurred yesterday.

When we met, he apologized for being selfish and unfair. (He looked awful again - all puffy in the face. Very different from the fit, handsome guy I saw before his trip). He said he still feels miserable and doesn't know what he wants and he can't keep stringing me along because I deserve to be happy. He said he's been holding onto me because he loved me so much and things were so amazing, but he's not feeling that way about me right now.

I thanked him for owning that, and said that I can go through a lot with someone, but being stonewalled will kill the trust in any relationship. I said we were having this conversation now because if this had continued, even if he had come back, the trust would have been gone. He said he knew that. TBC...

Just finishing up, ran out of space...Thanks again for sticking with such a long post 🙂

I let him know that if I had made him angry/hurt him and didn't know, I can't make a repair unless he tells me. Likewise, if he's scared or upset, I can't help unless we talk it out. I pointed out that with the lack of communication, anything we thought about each other was based on assumptions. He agreed.

It turns out all that stuff was really just that his family was annoying on vacation and he hates that the opportunity was ruined. I asked point blank about dating/screwing around with anyone else and he said no, he's just miserable right now and feels unworthy of a relationship. I believe him.

I sat with things for a few moments and brightened up a bit. I said that it's actually not too awful. It's far worse to not know. I had been building new friendships and working to achieve greater peace and happiness and his behavior had caused me suffering.

I then used a bit of humor and said, "Well, [name] you've been a real shit, but so was I at times". I then told him that he had been very special to me, kissed him softly on the cheek and walked out.

A few hours later, I followed up with a text:

[Name], I hope you someday find peace and learn to see and love the man that I fell in love with.

I was swept away by a passionate, open, fallible human, who went after what he wanted, behaved with honor, and did what was hard even when he was terrified.

That guy is right there inside you and you're snuffing him out because you're letting a bunch of neuroses get the better of you.

You have a LONG list of STRENGTHS and TALENTS and OPPORTUNITIES most men would kill for and you're squandering all of it. Seriously, why else would I have been so into you? Run of the mill guys don't get half a chance with me. I only date total packages.

This, dear one, is some of the grandest self-sabotage I've seen in a long while.

You are fucking up because you're afraid of fucking up. To quote the mama bear, you're being a "dumb bunny". Snap the fuck out of it.

We're all works in progress and that's a beautiful thing. We're also all as worthy as we decide we are. Acceptance starts within.

I was recently talking to a friend about something difficult and she stopped me, and said "the mask just dropped and you're beautiful". I was being a tough guy and then became more raw and emotional. I do understand being so sensitive that it feels necessary to guard myself from the world. I have also learned that fully engaging with safe people is the only way to truly live.

You were at your most beautiful sitting at my table coming clean about your past. That's when I felt you in my belly, really felt you, for the first time.

This will be the last time I initiate contact with you. I know I'm worth far more than holding out for a man who insists he doesn't have feelings for me and/or is too stubborn to deal with his shit so he can come after me like the prize I am.

But I did want to give that feedback. Just because I'm not willing to put up with the shit you've been pulling doesn't mean I don't love you and wish things were different. I absolutely hate to see you like this.

His response:

There are few people who can truly understand me and can see past the facade. I always appreciate your feedback and calling me out on my continued bullshit. I can't thank you enough for allowing me to grow and evolve with you. Our time together will always be cherished. I'm deeply sorry for how things turned out.

So, is this it? Is he just giving up and moving on with his life? Taking the relationship as a lesson/experience? Or, will he have the space and time to heal now without feeling the burden of being unfair to me and come back around? I know that hurt scorps run/transform. But at the same time, don't they hold onto those who really have that great connection and can really get them? I would think that if he was trying to hold onto me for this long and it only ended because I had to be fair to myself, that there's something there...