Nasty Astrology - Taurus

Taureans like others to think of them as refined, and experts when it comes to food and drink. This is just a cover; they are in reality a glutton and a drunk. They care nothing for culture, it's all a matter of getting quantity rather than quality, although they do make a good job of fooling most people. They are greedy both for oral satisfaction and material wealth. No one can accumulate quite like them. They can also do a nice line in fake environmental concern - they really couldn't give a damn just so long as they own it all. They have too many close relatives.

Personality
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Hey, don't cross these babies. They have horns and spikes and all sorts of weapons.
They probably sleep with shotguns under the bed. They are quick to lose their temper:
They like to throw tantrums to get their own way and will carry on doing so long after childhood has left them behind. If they can't get their own way they'll attack you. Cross them at your own peril.
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They like to think of themselves as oak trees with their roots firmly entrenched in the soil of their earth. Yes, they are like oak trees; unable to move, easy to get struck down in storms, big, ugly, strong and stupid. They feel threatened a lot - so tend to barricade themselves in behind security devices, barbed wire, gun turrets, and arrow slits. They think everyone is out to rob them. We are.
They often come across as ruddy-faced, cheerful and slightly drunk old buffoons - think Falstaff, think Santa Claus, think Duke Ellington. But they are never as casual and laid back as they appear. Think instead of a shrewd operator, think of a canny business person, think acting and pretense. They like you to think of them as silly, but beneath that bluff exterior beats a heart of solid dollar signs.
Don't ever ask one of them what they think. For a start they'll tell you and tell you in blunt, old fashioned words. Boy, do they have a mouth on them. They like to use foul language - they think it makes them more likable and earthy. The truth is they are just foul - and they like to drone on endlessly once asked. Don't give them the opportunity. Shut them up or they'll bore you forever. They could bore for their country.

They don't like to be rushed and they don't like to take risks. Oh, you think those qualities are admirable? Then you must be one of them and were told not to read this. The rest of us - the other eleven signs - find them slow and cowardly. They can't be hurried - or won't - and they are so frightened of risking a dollar they'd rather lose a thousand then take a risk.
They get cuckolded a lot.

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Taureans are so rich it's worth the effort of stealing from them. Other signs are poor, so not worth bothering with, but a Taurus will always reward you with rich pickings. They know this and hide their stuff away - it's always under the bed by the way. They have too many books.

Taurus In Love
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Can you imagine the lengths they'd go to, to avoid falling in love? Love is soppy, messy, risky, time-consuming. They'd much rather be eating or drinking or hoarding money.
Being in love means outlay - you have to buy a ring, flowers, wine, a honeymoon, a wedding, anniversary cards.
Once they do fall in love you'd better hope it ain't you. They will stifle you, lock you away, smother you with tacky gifts, suffocate you with attention and affection. They think having lots of children will keep them safe from being dumped. They have a particularly claustrophobic approach to long-term relationships - you aren't allowed out of their sight.
Instinctively they know they're going to get dumped eventually and they try everything to prevent it - which brings it on all the quicker. They hate to be betrayed and will get so angry and put on such a show of indignation - 'How could you do this to me?' they'll bellow.
Brilliant fun to goad one.

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But if you do betray one stay well out of their way, as they are very violent when aroused, and are likely to commit murder - or assault at the very least. You wouldn't want one of these as a real enemy.

Taurus and Sex
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They do like to plot a seduction though and will ponderously go about it. But finesse, charm, grace? No, these are not words they will be familiar with. Exaggerated, theatrical, overexcited, now that's more like it. Think bulls rutting. Think cows being mounted. Think bovine. Think big. Think ungainly. Think all over in a second.
They don't like to be thwarted in their love interests and will pursue somebody long after they've been given a clear message to back off. They don't take hints so you will have to give them the brush-off, or boots. They are immune to subtlety so you will have to spell it out to them in simple words: 'Go away, I don't want to sleep with you, you are repugnant.'
There, that should do it, hopefully, but it might be a bit too understated for them.

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Their sexual preferences tend towards the natural, the basic, the lusty and the rude. They don't like kinky sex - they are afraid it might cost them too much. They like quick, no-nonsense sex, to be got over with as quickly as possible so that they can have a cream tea.

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They don't like to change partners too often, as breaking in a new lover takes too much time, too much money, too much effort. They are so lazy that they would stick with someone pretty well no matter what, rather than have to go looking for a new lover.

Taureans in Business
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Basically they are quite honest - good to be able to say something nice - but they will try
every trick in the book to get one over on your, when it comes to finances. Once the deal is struck - and it will be on their terms believe me - they'll stick to it through thick and thin.
Unflinching loyalty is their strong point - their only one - and they do like to milk it - 'Call me Honest John', that sort of thing. But in all seriousness do you know what the ideal occupation is for a Taurean? I'll tell you - Estate Agent. Yes, that's how bad it gets. At best? A wine merchant.
They all think they can be gardeners, farmers, horticulturists - what nonsense. There's not a green finger amongst them. They think they're good in the country but the suburbs is the place for them - all lace curtains and three-piece suites. They like to think they've got good taste but it is firmly set in the 1950s.
Working for themselves is not for them. They like a wage packet too much. And a pension scheme and bonus schemes an

Nasty Astrology Richard MacDonald

i noticed you posted for the other signs too but some are still missing? don't stop these are hilarious! i have definitely got to pick up this book.

Hehehehee, going to start with Leo in the morning. Hand typing all of it out is brutal. 🙂

Will you be doing Capricorn or have you forgotten about us. LOL

LOL All of that is true about my first husband. We were together 4 years! Sex was usually fast,plain and boring. Never anything expieramental. Yet it was always dramtic blown out romantic. Yet all that for jst a few seconds. Always annoyed me!!!!

Awww CG, that sucks. 😢 You have your Aries though, and things are good between you. 🙂

For great justice I'd say

Still makes me laugh. That and 'How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign.' 😄

Posted by venusianbull


Personality
*************
Hey, don't cross these babies. They have horns and spikes and all sorts of weapons.
They probably sleep with shotguns under the bed. They are quick to lose their temper:
They like to throw tantrums to get their own way and will carry on doing so long after childhood has left them behind. If they can't get their own way they'll attack you. Cross them at your own peril.
**************

Sssshh!

Who spilled the beans?

Found this a few weeks ago at a used book store. Thought it would be fun to add into venusianbull's Nasty thread.

Darkside Zodiac by Hyde (about 400 pages long, excerpt from first two pages of sign quoted here)

Taurus
Taurus is a feminine, fixed Earth sign ruled by Venus. It is the second sign on the zodiac wheel, directly opposite Scorpio, and is named for the constellation Taurus (the bull), which plods and bellows behind the sun this time of year.

On the Darkside, this makes you a stubborn, sybaritic, rut-bound bully, fueled by dull resentment and insatiable love of money.

Annoying Habits
Punctuality: You are never late; you have never been late; you will never be late. People in Switzerland set their clocks by you, train companies call you for advice. Strangely, everyone else is always late meeting you.

Toothpaste: The Taurus toothpaste tube always lives in a toothpastetube cozy on the third shelf down and is always rolled up from the bottom. If anyone moves it - let alone squeezes it in the middle - you kill them.

Temper gauge: 0 degrees to boiling in about six months, but on a regular five-year cycle. Much earth-shaking; small buildings fall down; you gore everyone within reach. Ten days later people armed with chocolate can approach you.

Hehehe. I like.

Posted by venusianbull


Can you imagine the lengths they'd go to, to avoid falling in love? Love is soppy, messy, risky, time-consuming. They'd much rather be eating or drinking or hoarding money.

OUCH !!guess that is one of the reasons it didn't work out with a Virgo gal, I was too busy hording money, but hey I bought a new car so is not all bad news haha

How Taurus of you. Haha.