cancerlady
@cancerlady
20 Years1,000+ Posts
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My best friend needs help! What to do!
Hi CancerLady.
Ahhh, the famed Virgoan sticktuitiveness lmao. I think that's spelled right lol.
Anyway. What should you do? You're her friend, so you're attached to her. You want what's best for her. I so dig. The rub is you can't really force anyone to do anything. True, you could harass her, but that's asking for swords to be drawn and fire to be spoken; probably followed by absence.
From my own experience, it's better to let her be. I mean, 'Words,' whether he's in the sharpest suit and tie or sternest battle fatigues don't really change 'what is.' Situations and the pressure created from such do though. She knows how you feel, you've tried to help. Let Time do what it does. It's pretty good at sussing things out. Hopefully, the light buld will come on eventually. If not . . .in the end it is her life.
I know you hate it, but. . .you know. I still wouldn't listen to her complain about it though. It's like, "Well, you can change that." Leave it at that and take topic by the hand and go elsewhere. But, if I was you. I'll feel and do exactly the same; trying to change her. But, if it hasn't worked yet. It's not going to.
Be a friend, but try to leave the issue.
Hope it helps.
VirgoSquared.
Ahhh, the famed Virgoan sticktuitiveness lmao. I think that's spelled right lol.
Anyway. What should you do? You're her friend, so you're attached to her. You want what's best for her. I so dig. The rub is you can't really force anyone to do anything. True, you could harass her, but that's asking for swords to be drawn and fire to be spoken; probably followed by absence.
From my own experience, it's better to let her be. I mean, 'Words,' whether he's in the sharpest suit and tie or sternest battle fatigues don't really change 'what is.' Situations and the pressure created from such do though. She knows how you feel, you've tried to help. Let Time do what it does. It's pretty good at sussing things out. Hopefully, the light buld will come on eventually. If not . . .in the end it is her life.
I know you hate it, but. . .you know. I still wouldn't listen to her complain about it though. It's like, "Well, you can change that." Leave it at that and take topic by the hand and go elsewhere. But, if I was you. I'll feel and do exactly the same; trying to change her. But, if it hasn't worked yet. It's not going to.
Be a friend, but try to leave the issue.
Hope it helps.
VirgoSquared.
Just to give up without a fight? That sucks.
Well Haffo,
I don't know. I agree it feels right to try and force her to change. . . after awhile she's going to get irritated, and her friend is going to get pissed at her for "meddling" (Don't say it, I know lol) . . .it may lose a friend. Trust, I know this sucks. Outside of breaking the friendship, I don't see where pushing goes.
Here's the scenario I'm seeing. They're talking, her friend mentions how her life sucks. Cancerlady goes into how she could change it (this is so me by the way), her friend gets defensive. At that point, once shields are up, nothing said gets through. She's just going to feel like she's being criticized or through out the famous "You don't understand!" I guess the flip side is if the subject can be approached in such a way as to not have her insides pushing the red button.
Be detached (And she says, "Easy for you Virgo." It's not.), regardless of what you're feeling. Speak your peace one last time and leave it. She's not going to initially hear you but, after awhile it may sink in as her dreary situation asserts itself.
I don't know, just a thought.
VirgoSquared
I don't know. I agree it feels right to try and force her to change. . . after awhile she's going to get irritated, and her friend is going to get pissed at her for "meddling" (Don't say it, I know lol) . . .it may lose a friend. Trust, I know this sucks. Outside of breaking the friendship, I don't see where pushing goes.
Here's the scenario I'm seeing. They're talking, her friend mentions how her life sucks. Cancerlady goes into how she could change it (this is so me by the way), her friend gets defensive. At that point, once shields are up, nothing said gets through. She's just going to feel like she's being criticized or through out the famous "You don't understand!" I guess the flip side is if the subject can be approached in such a way as to not have her insides pushing the red button.
Be detached (And she says, "Easy for you Virgo." It's not.), regardless of what you're feeling. Speak your peace one last time and leave it. She's not going to initially hear you but, after awhile it may sink in as her dreary situation asserts itself.
I don't know, just a thought.
VirgoSquared
I still would take my chances.
It is actually lack of seeing things from different sides at same time. This is weakness. If she is too weak to listen me, then no-one can help her. Even if it costs me breaking up friendship with her, i grant it. I dont want constant whining person near me.
Thats my toughts.
It is actually lack of seeing things from different sides at same time. This is weakness. If she is too weak to listen me, then no-one can help her. Even if it costs me breaking up friendship with her, i grant it. I dont want constant whining person near me.
Thats my toughts.
I never saw a person who sits in crap and enjoys it. If you stuck in situation where you cant find a solution, seek for help. If somebody comes and tells you what is wrong, then worship this person to not being "careless".
Do you know this preverb Sweet-P:
"People learns best on their own mistakes, but it is only stupid people who only learns on their mistakes".
I think you got the point.
Being stubborn or pride isnt a way out from crisis, so she have to disband it for her own sake.
It is obvious that she needs to get out from this problem untill knife touches bone. I dont need to understand her emotional state because it doesnt helps. She needs immidiate acton. And that is either finding own way out, or taking advice.
Do you know this preverb Sweet-P:
"People learns best on their own mistakes, but it is only stupid people who only learns on their mistakes".
I think you got the point.
Being stubborn or pride isnt a way out from crisis, so she have to disband it for her own sake.
It is obvious that she needs to get out from this problem untill knife touches bone. I dont need to understand her emotional state because it doesnt helps. She needs immidiate acton. And that is either finding own way out, or taking advice.
What is the worth of "firend" who doesnt even have respect to listen your advice which is for "own" sake?
2Cancerlady:
She is defiently hides something from you. Try to figure out that first.
She is defiently hides something from you. Try to figure out that first.
Cancerlady
"She still does NOTHING! What to do? Should I butt out?"
Yeah.. You should "butt out" and focus on your own life, you acting like "one size fits all" system, like what you do is good and what she does is not! and you want to tailor her life after your satisfactions? its not your life and its not your responsibility to do anything "for good or for worse".
What she needs in my opinion is a companion and a friend, not another person in her life to dictating things and deciding what to do next. I believe she is fully aware of her situations and you acting like a "nosey person" around her private life, if you value your friendship with her then you will leave her alone, and respect the way she is and see things.
Now.. you tell me lady? what's motivating YOU to push the envelope..??
"She still does NOTHING! What to do? Should I butt out?"
Yeah.. You should "butt out" and focus on your own life, you acting like "one size fits all" system, like what you do is good and what she does is not! and you want to tailor her life after your satisfactions? its not your life and its not your responsibility to do anything "for good or for worse".
What she needs in my opinion is a companion and a friend, not another person in her life to dictating things and deciding what to do next. I believe she is fully aware of her situations and you acting like a "nosey person" around her private life, if you value your friendship with her then you will leave her alone, and respect the way she is and see things.
Now.. you tell me lady? what's motivating YOU to push the envelope..??
Q, man, what are you talking about?
Just sit carelessly? That is what you suggesting?
Cancerlady wrote:
"All she does is whine about her "situation""
What else she should say for help?
Just sit carelessly? That is what you suggesting?
Cancerlady wrote:
"All she does is whine about her "situation""
What else she should say for help?
First of all...Thanks Everyone!
I am not meaning to be negative about her...I love her to pieces! The only problem is her last relationship was so horrible and her job stresses her out so much (without the $ $ $ ) and I hate to see her put herself through that. I was there for her when the crazy crackhead baby daddy's mama & 200lb aunt jumped on her. I have the scars to prove it! I was there when her baby daddy kicked her out and called her all types of derogatory names & she had to come stay with me. I am always going to be there for her, no matter what her personal situation is.
The only reason I say whining & the other things is because she says she wants a better job and better relationships but does nothing to improve. All talk & no action is one of my biggest pet peeves. I guess I did sound a bit negative, but it's because I hate seeing her SO stressed out on a daily basis, which she sometimes takes out on me. We are both two un-hostile people so it's not like we fight about it...I just give her gentle reminders every once in a while. ALWAYS about her financial & job situation, not her man. I DO NOT get into that, even though I can tell she is one of those girls who needs a man regardless as to how bad he treats her.
My main motivation for this post is to see how I can be supportive as a friend but also try to help her get out of the situation that she SAYS she wants to be out of without becoming a nag.
VirgoSquared, you have such good advice (When you aren't fussing @ Parallax 😉)
Sweet-P, you also have great advice, I love your attitude!
Q-Bone, what was that last comment for? I am obviously motivated to see her doing better...I didn't say she should fit into a certain mold or satisfy me. SHE is the unhappy one, and any good friend would hate to see their friends struggle & suffer.
I am not meaning to be negative about her...I love her to pieces! The only problem is her last relationship was so horrible and her job stresses her out so much (without the $ $ $ ) and I hate to see her put herself through that. I was there for her when the crazy crackhead baby daddy's mama & 200lb aunt jumped on her. I have the scars to prove it! I was there when her baby daddy kicked her out and called her all types of derogatory names & she had to come stay with me. I am always going to be there for her, no matter what her personal situation is.
The only reason I say whining & the other things is because she says she wants a better job and better relationships but does nothing to improve. All talk & no action is one of my biggest pet peeves. I guess I did sound a bit negative, but it's because I hate seeing her SO stressed out on a daily basis, which she sometimes takes out on me. We are both two un-hostile people so it's not like we fight about it...I just give her gentle reminders every once in a while. ALWAYS about her financial & job situation, not her man. I DO NOT get into that, even though I can tell she is one of those girls who needs a man regardless as to how bad he treats her.
My main motivation for this post is to see how I can be supportive as a friend but also try to help her get out of the situation that she SAYS she wants to be out of without becoming a nag.
VirgoSquared, you have such good advice (When you aren't fussing @ Parallax 😉)
Sweet-P, you also have great advice, I love your attitude!
Q-Bone, what was that last comment for? I am obviously motivated to see her doing better...I didn't say she should fit into a certain mold or satisfy me. SHE is the unhappy one, and any good friend would hate to see their friends struggle & suffer.
Haffo
In my vocabulary..
"You care and take actions when someone asking for help".
If you do things on your own, then you are "nosey" and annoying, and if you do it many times then you deserve to be treated in a way that you feel "unappreciated".
This is not a matter of "life and death", it is simply Cancerlady's point of view as she rendering her friend as dit"s"y, because Cancerlady doesn't want to accept and reali"s"e that her Virgo girlfriend knows better about her own life than she does.
Everyone complains and everyone talks? not all of them are serious.
PS.!
For the American language professor on this board:
replace word "s" with "z", then they should be understandable.
In my vocabulary..
"You care and take actions when someone asking for help".
If you do things on your own, then you are "nosey" and annoying, and if you do it many times then you deserve to be treated in a way that you feel "unappreciated".
This is not a matter of "life and death", it is simply Cancerlady's point of view as she rendering her friend as dit"s"y, because Cancerlady doesn't want to accept and reali"s"e that her Virgo girlfriend knows better about her own life than she does.
Everyone complains and everyone talks? not all of them are serious.
PS.!
For the American language professor on this board:
replace word "s" with "z", then they should be understandable.
Q-Bone
I didn't call her ditzy because I feel like I know what is better for her life, I called her ditzy because that is the way she "is" as you so like to say. You know how Jessica Simpson says ditzy things like "Is Chicken of the Sea tuna or chicken" That kind of ditzy. I didn't say she was stupid or anything. PLEASE reread the post, b/c you are obviously misunderstood. SHE CONSTANTLY TALKS ABOUT HOW UNHAPPY SHE IS>>>If that's not a cry for help...I don't know what is.
Cancerlady
I didn't call her ditzy because I feel like I know what is better for her life, I called her ditzy because that is the way she "is" as you so like to say. You know how Jessica Simpson says ditzy things like "Is Chicken of the Sea tuna or chicken" That kind of ditzy. I didn't say she was stupid or anything. PLEASE reread the post, b/c you are obviously misunderstood. SHE CONSTANTLY TALKS ABOUT HOW UNHAPPY SHE IS>>>If that's not a cry for help...I don't know what is.
Cancerlady
Cancerlady
The point is lady.... you won't hold a hot burning coal in your palm and cry it out?oh GOD.. it's burning and hurting?.but still holding it?! Won't you..??
You got my point??
Everyone has their own limits to take things, but once the limits are exceeded to the point of no return then they do something about it, you as a good friend can be supportive for "that" day, right now she won't hear a word from you and your friendly advices because she dwelling with her own limits and personalities.
Save your breath for that day my good lady
The point is lady.... you won't hold a hot burning coal in your palm and cry it out?oh GOD.. it's burning and hurting?.but still holding it?! Won't you..??
You got my point??
Everyone has their own limits to take things, but once the limits are exceeded to the point of no return then they do something about it, you as a good friend can be supportive for "that" day, right now she won't hear a word from you and your friendly advices because she dwelling with her own limits and personalities.
Save your breath for that day my good lady
Q, man.
I definetly not acting by myself. This is % 100. I dont care unless people ask for it. But whining is % 100 ask for help.
"Everyone complains and everyone talks? not all of them are serious."
Man, if this is not asking for help this is worster than actual problem. I definetly wont tolerate any whining without point. This is % 1000 unacceptable.
I definetly not acting by myself. This is % 100. I dont care unless people ask for it. But whining is % 100 ask for help.
"Everyone complains and everyone talks? not all of them are serious."
Man, if this is not asking for help this is worster than actual problem. I definetly wont tolerate any whining without point. This is % 1000 unacceptable.
And no lady.. I didn?t misunderstand your point? "Whining" is not "talking" as you've mention it in your original post.
"Whining" is not "talking"
OMG
OMG
Sweet-P:
I do not refuse help. Actually it is this Virgo girl who refuse help. LMAO!!
I do not accept any whining without meaning. What is benefit of it for any side? She whines and losses her time ( + emotional fray) also makes me listen and wastes my time. What is the point— If she needs help, i will help if i see it proper. Look i didnt say i wont help, i just wont stay near person who dont know what he/she wants.
I do not refuse help. Actually it is this Virgo girl who refuse help. LMAO!!
I do not accept any whining without meaning. What is benefit of it for any side? She whines and losses her time ( + emotional fray) also makes me listen and wastes my time. What is the point— If she needs help, i will help if i see it proper. Look i didnt say i wont help, i just wont stay near person who dont know what he/she wants.
Worster (lol) That's funny!
Whine:to utter a high-pitched plaintive or distressed cry
O K Mr. Logical, so she wasn't whining in the proverbial sense of the word...but you know what the H E double hockey sticks I mean. I swear Virgos are so freakin' literal sometimes! (not intended to be a negative comment, so please don't take offense & start in on me!) Listening to venting is part of being a friend, so that's not the problem. I guess I just don't understand her point of view, because when I am unhappy I make moves to change that. I will try to see & respect her point of view on this matter.
Thanks!
Cancerlady
Whine:to utter a high-pitched plaintive or distressed cry
O K Mr. Logical, so she wasn't whining in the proverbial sense of the word...but you know what the H E double hockey sticks I mean. I swear Virgos are so freakin' literal sometimes! (not intended to be a negative comment, so please don't take offense & start in on me!) Listening to venting is part of being a friend, so that's not the problem. I guess I just don't understand her point of view, because when I am unhappy I make moves to change that. I will try to see & respect her point of view on this matter.
Thanks!
Cancerlady
Venting and whining without action is different things.
Altough venting without action is also unacceptable.
Again! You're doing it again!?
Q you Tactless Moron. What the hell is wrong with you?? Didn't I just tell you to watch how you talk to people?
You know what? You like to read book covers so much, get a few on people skills. Better yet, try opening a few and read what they say about people relations.
Lesson one. Put things in a better way.
The one time you do crack that fat head of yours on some semblance of passable advice, you ruin it with your usual asinine presentation.
The hell is wrong with you, kid?
VirgoSquared
Q you Tactless Moron. What the hell is wrong with you?? Didn't I just tell you to watch how you talk to people?
You know what? You like to read book covers so much, get a few on people skills. Better yet, try opening a few and read what they say about people relations.
Lesson one. Put things in a better way.
The one time you do crack that fat head of yours on some semblance of passable advice, you ruin it with your usual asinine presentation.
The hell is wrong with you, kid?
VirgoSquared
Cancerlady
"I guess I just don't understand her point of view, because when I am unhappy I make moves to change that. I will try to see & respect her point of view on this matter."
The same way that you don?t understand my point of view : people need time to digest things on their own it has nothing to do with Virgo's personalities or any other 11 signs, she refuse to accept your suggestions as you refuse to accept what am I suggesting.
And I didn?t take your word "whining" literally, if we were friends and I start to whine means that I am complaining e.g. "not talking" I whine because I wanted to shout out things that bothering me, things that pressing my heart and makes me uncomfortable, this is a nature of whining one way.. from me to anyone who wanted to hear.
Talking is 2 way communications with intelligent dialogue that benefits both parts, to build a positive atmosphere of understanding.
I am not saying this to lecture you or anyone else? but sometimes I need to act as a reminder
"I guess I just don't understand her point of view, because when I am unhappy I make moves to change that. I will try to see & respect her point of view on this matter."
The same way that you don?t understand my point of view : people need time to digest things on their own it has nothing to do with Virgo's personalities or any other 11 signs, she refuse to accept your suggestions as you refuse to accept what am I suggesting.
And I didn?t take your word "whining" literally, if we were friends and I start to whine means that I am complaining e.g. "not talking" I whine because I wanted to shout out things that bothering me, things that pressing my heart and makes me uncomfortable, this is a nature of whining one way.. from me to anyone who wanted to hear.
Talking is 2 way communications with intelligent dialogue that benefits both parts, to build a positive atmosphere of understanding.
I am not saying this to lecture you or anyone else? but sometimes I need to act as a reminder
Huh...
Professor Virgosissy again...
Now... I know how your butt itching for some serious hand jobs? but hell, I am not going to give you this pleasure!. BTW? I believe Parallax has already described you very well and I am not going to confirm (the fact) one more time?! you want to be more defamed..?? Fine by me? carry on with your stupid attitude.
Professor Virgosissy again...
Now... I know how your butt itching for some serious hand jobs? but hell, I am not going to give you this pleasure!. BTW? I believe Parallax has already described you very well and I am not going to confirm (the fact) one more time?! you want to be more defamed..?? Fine by me? carry on with your stupid attitude.
"For females it's common to meet up and have a good whinge - usually about men."
LMAO!!!
LMAO!!!
Q-Bone
I know all signs take time to digest things or whatever. I asked this of Virgo's because she, like my father, sticks to situations regardless of whether it is good for them or not. Who am I to say what is good for someone else— Well, when a person is miserable 80% of the time and they tell you almost everytime you see them...Obviously something is not right. I only know a few Virgo's, but they all seem to have that trait...Hence
"Ahhh, the famed Virgoan sticktuitiveness lmao." Spoken by a Virgo himself
I never said I didn't understand your point of view, I was just clarifying some things so you people can have a better picture of what's going on.
As you so eloquently stated "Talking is 2 way communications with intelligent dialogue that benefits both parts, to build a positive atmosphere of understanding"
So if I am giving her positive solutions to the problems SHE talks to me about...How does that make me nosy? For instance...if she says all the time "I'm so tired of working here" and I say "Well I know some companies that are hiring" How is that bad? You private life is no longer private when you decide to discuss it with someone else. It's not like I went to her & said your jobs sucks, you could do better...Well actually when I found out that she had a DEGREE, I told her she should take the test for her license, b/c benefits, a healthy weekly paycheck, and doing work she likes would benefit her & her daughter...Wouldn't it? I honestly think you are over-analyzing this and focusing on the wrong points. (Who cares about the official etomology of the word "whine" besides haffo 😉 )
What exactly are you suggesting, because all I read was you say leave her alone and respect her wishes. I thought I said on the last post and YOU quoted me...
"I guess I just don't understand her point of view, because when I am unhappy I make moves to change that. I will try to see & respect her point of view on this matter."
What would you have me do? Cut her off when she starts talking about it? Just sit there & nod my head while drooling out the left side of my mouth? When the $ #!& hit the fan before, I was there for all of it and I would rather avoid going through a similar situation again if I can help it. For her sake & mine. It was emotionally & physically draining for me, so I know it was torture for her. Does that make me annoying? If so, in the infamous words of Redman..."I'll BE DAT!" Maybe I need to hear your definition of being supportive, but remember there are only so many times you can hear the same story w/o saying something! Don't you think?
On another note, I do appreciate your input though, because as a creature ruled by emotions, I don't always think rationally or logically.
I use alot of commas and I can be long-winded. Sorry!
Cancerlady
I know all signs take time to digest things or whatever. I asked this of Virgo's because she, like my father, sticks to situations regardless of whether it is good for them or not. Who am I to say what is good for someone else— Well, when a person is miserable 80% of the time and they tell you almost everytime you see them...Obviously something is not right. I only know a few Virgo's, but they all seem to have that trait...Hence
"Ahhh, the famed Virgoan sticktuitiveness lmao." Spoken by a Virgo himself
I never said I didn't understand your point of view, I was just clarifying some things so you people can have a better picture of what's going on.
As you so eloquently stated "Talking is 2 way communications with intelligent dialogue that benefits both parts, to build a positive atmosphere of understanding"
So if I am giving her positive solutions to the problems SHE talks to me about...How does that make me nosy? For instance...if she says all the time "I'm so tired of working here" and I say "Well I know some companies that are hiring" How is that bad? You private life is no longer private when you decide to discuss it with someone else. It's not like I went to her & said your jobs sucks, you could do better...Well actually when I found out that she had a DEGREE, I told her she should take the test for her license, b/c benefits, a healthy weekly paycheck, and doing work she likes would benefit her & her daughter...Wouldn't it? I honestly think you are over-analyzing this and focusing on the wrong points. (Who cares about the official etomology of the word "whine" besides haffo 😉 )
What exactly are you suggesting, because all I read was you say leave her alone and respect her wishes. I thought I said on the last post and YOU quoted me...
"I guess I just don't understand her point of view, because when I am unhappy I make moves to change that. I will try to see & respect her point of view on this matter."
What would you have me do? Cut her off when she starts talking about it? Just sit there & nod my head while drooling out the left side of my mouth? When the $ #!& hit the fan before, I was there for all of it and I would rather avoid going through a similar situation again if I can help it. For her sake & mine. It was emotionally & physically draining for me, so I know it was torture for her. Does that make me annoying? If so, in the infamous words of Redman..."I'll BE DAT!" Maybe I need to hear your definition of being supportive, but remember there are only so many times you can hear the same story w/o saying something! Don't you think?
On another note, I do appreciate your input though, because as a creature ruled by emotions, I don't always think rationally or logically.
I use alot of commas and I can be long-winded. Sorry!
Cancerlady
Hello Cancerlady,
I'm stepping in a little late, but I have experienced similar situations. I think when it comes to friends, some will come to you just to cry-- and others actually want help. It's been my experience that if you help- and they're not receptive to your advice/actions, you have to step back and let them work through their own issues.
Ultimately, people who want help will begin with trying to help themselves.
With this friend in particular-- sounds like she just wants a shoulder to cry on. I know with some friends, if they complain/talk/whine--or whatever --about the same things over and over again, sometimes you just wanna shake 'em and say, "why don't you DO something about it!" If I were you, keep "being" there for her, but don't let her problems become your problems.
I'm stepping in a little late, but I have experienced similar situations. I think when it comes to friends, some will come to you just to cry-- and others actually want help. It's been my experience that if you help- and they're not receptive to your advice/actions, you have to step back and let them work through their own issues.
Ultimately, people who want help will begin with trying to help themselves.
With this friend in particular-- sounds like she just wants a shoulder to cry on. I know with some friends, if they complain/talk/whine--or whatever --about the same things over and over again, sometimes you just wanna shake 'em and say, "why don't you DO something about it!" If I were you, keep "being" there for her, but don't let her problems become your problems.
You guys are CRAZY! Funny, but CRAZY. Please don't include me in your trifes, but VirgoSquared...how can you say he is tactless when you called him a "Tactless Moron with a fat head"? (LMAO) You BOTH have good points and sometimes harsh ways of saying them.
Sweet-P you are my new message board best friend...I swear we agree on so much! Except swallowing? Or was that you? Maybe it was somebody else. I need to reread the post.
Peace
Sweet-P you are my new message board best friend...I swear we agree on so much! Except swallowing? Or was that you? Maybe it was somebody else. I need to reread the post.
Peace
Seizetheday,
You are right, right you are. Maybe I just need strengthten up my shoulders and close my mouth. I have been letting her problems become mine and it IS ultimately her life. It just SUCKS though because my friends are like sisters and I pick up on bad vibes easily and internalize them. That is a personal issue I need to work on. See Q-Bone, I'm focusing on my own life.
Cancerlady
You are right, right you are. Maybe I just need strengthten up my shoulders and close my mouth. I have been letting her problems become mine and it IS ultimately her life. It just SUCKS though because my friends are like sisters and I pick up on bad vibes easily and internalize them. That is a personal issue I need to work on. See Q-Bone, I'm focusing on my own life.
Cancerlady
2seizeTheDay:
Its interesting you know, people who really know that they are in crap, always try to do something to get out from it. I never saw people who enjoyin being like that. What do you think, are they really know what they want? because I think they are not.
Its interesting you know, people who really know that they are in crap, always try to do something to get out from it. I never saw people who enjoyin being like that. What do you think, are they really know what they want? because I think they are not.
Cancerlady
There things that need to be kept secret, even from the family members let alone friends and stranger, I personally don?t know you or your friend and what I am suggesting is all taken from information you supplied in your post.
In my experience people tend to see their faith in strange ways, some fight against and some accept it, some build their lives upon other people suggestions and some even refuse to acknowledge the inevitable, that makes life interesting to live, don?t you agree..??
If she telling you "you don?t understand" means that she has a secret that she doesn't want you to know "what ever it may be" it's in here (hence the whine) and she wanted to keep it that way until the moments of understanding strikes her, then she will happily accept and respect what you are trying to tell her all these years, stubbornness and pushiness about your ideas makes her disappointed on you and she will get distanced.
I am not saying that you "leave her alone--- as you got it literally", I am saying that you stay with her but be patience and stop pushing her for realisations that how "pathetic" her life is or it will be if she don?t do anything about it, she know it well she just need some time to get on it could be tomorrow could be several years. Its all depends on personalities and how long they can handle the pressure.
No one knows.. perhaps she "whine and complain" just to attract the attentions, as I've said it above "no one runs around with hot coal in their palm and complain about pain? and keep holding it", unless there is a meaning beneath it.
There things that need to be kept secret, even from the family members let alone friends and stranger, I personally don?t know you or your friend and what I am suggesting is all taken from information you supplied in your post.
In my experience people tend to see their faith in strange ways, some fight against and some accept it, some build their lives upon other people suggestions and some even refuse to acknowledge the inevitable, that makes life interesting to live, don?t you agree..??
If she telling you "you don?t understand" means that she has a secret that she doesn't want you to know "what ever it may be" it's in here (hence the whine) and she wanted to keep it that way until the moments of understanding strikes her, then she will happily accept and respect what you are trying to tell her all these years, stubbornness and pushiness about your ideas makes her disappointed on you and she will get distanced.
I am not saying that you "leave her alone--- as you got it literally", I am saying that you stay with her but be patience and stop pushing her for realisations that how "pathetic" her life is or it will be if she don?t do anything about it, she know it well she just need some time to get on it could be tomorrow could be several years. Its all depends on personalities and how long they can handle the pressure.
No one knows.. perhaps she "whine and complain" just to attract the attentions, as I've said it above "no one runs around with hot coal in their palm and complain about pain? and keep holding it", unless there is a meaning beneath it.
Haffo, I don't think people enjoy "hard luck"- or having something wrong with life-- but I know that just because someone doesn't enjoy something doesn't mean they're ready to do anything about it. I'll tell you a story:
I had a job at a large corporation. I hated it. I hated my co-workers, hated my manager and hated the work. The only thing great about that stupid job was the pay, but I was stressed out. I complained about the job to anyone who listened. After 2 years, my department was downsized, and I was laid off. I was even upset about the loss of the job.... But when I told my friend, she gave me a hug and said, "Congratulations.."
That's all I needed.
It was a small gesture-- but it added so much perspective. Not only was a rid of a miserable job, but because they laid me off-- they had to offer me a severance package (i.e. I STILL GOT PAID SOME MONEY WOO HOO)
Anyway, I used the money to take a 3 month vacation, get a better job-- and go to grad school.
Morale of the story:
I was (as you have said it) "sitting in my own crap".
Even worse, I burdened my friends with my complaints.... but nothing happened because I wasn't ready to DO anything about it. As a matter of fact, I think I would gotten mad at someone who tried to "push" me to do something about it.
In the end-- it was just the kind words and the side-line support of my friends that helped me want to help myself.
When you as a friend try to get deep into someone else's life-- all of sudden their problems become yours-- and you're stressing over something you don't have control over.
I had a job at a large corporation. I hated it. I hated my co-workers, hated my manager and hated the work. The only thing great about that stupid job was the pay, but I was stressed out. I complained about the job to anyone who listened. After 2 years, my department was downsized, and I was laid off. I was even upset about the loss of the job.... But when I told my friend, she gave me a hug and said, "Congratulations.."
That's all I needed.
It was a small gesture-- but it added so much perspective. Not only was a rid of a miserable job, but because they laid me off-- they had to offer me a severance package (i.e. I STILL GOT PAID SOME MONEY WOO HOO)
Anyway, I used the money to take a 3 month vacation, get a better job-- and go to grad school.
Morale of the story:
I was (as you have said it) "sitting in my own crap".
Even worse, I burdened my friends with my complaints.... but nothing happened because I wasn't ready to DO anything about it. As a matter of fact, I think I would gotten mad at someone who tried to "push" me to do something about it.
In the end-- it was just the kind words and the side-line support of my friends that helped me want to help myself.
When you as a friend try to get deep into someone else's life-- all of sudden their problems become yours-- and you're stressing over something you don't have control over.
CancerLady--
Yah, it does suck. My friends are like family as well-- but I remember when I used to offer advice and help-- everytime someone came to me with a problem. It was exhausting. I also found myself in certain traps--> Some of my friends used me. I'm not saying this friend is using you- but there's has to be healthy balance between just listening/ and actually doing something.
Yah, it does suck. My friends are like family as well-- but I remember when I used to offer advice and help-- everytime someone came to me with a problem. It was exhausting. I also found myself in certain traps--> Some of my friends used me. I'm not saying this friend is using you- but there's has to be healthy balance between just listening/ and actually doing something.
Okay Cancerlady lol.
In class, keeping it short.
You're right. Q doesn't have a fat head. Sorry Q 😉
A good friend of mine made a point today and she's right. Had a go at me actually lol. Essentially none of my business.
Cancerlady, she's a friend of yours. Do you want to lose a friend? It's that simple. You can be her friend and not involve yourself in that aspect of her life. If she comes around one day, great. Be there for her when she does. If not, in the end it is her life, but you can still be apart of it. I just wouldn't try to change her though. She has to come to her own realizations.
VirgoSquared
In class, keeping it short.
You're right. Q doesn't have a fat head. Sorry Q 😉
A good friend of mine made a point today and she's right. Had a go at me actually lol. Essentially none of my business.
Cancerlady, she's a friend of yours. Do you want to lose a friend? It's that simple. You can be her friend and not involve yourself in that aspect of her life. If she comes around one day, great. Be there for her when she does. If not, in the end it is her life, but you can still be apart of it. I just wouldn't try to change her though. She has to come to her own realizations.
VirgoSquared
All of this was never about a "job" or her "man" per se. It was more about being her happy and she does thank me for "keeping her on her toes" about the license. Heck, if she was a prostitute & it made her happy I would be like you go girl! I was never trying to change her...Our differences are what make us work so well as friends.
It just seems uncaring to change the subject and superficial to keep "talking" about it over & over & over & over & over & again with no action. Then again maybe if she repeats it to herself enough, she will start to believe it because she truly is a beautiful person who deserves to be happy. Time will tell though, because I ain't sayin nuffin else, Lord know I gots prollums! Then again, I wouldn't be on here if I didn't like having an opinion on other people's life...and neither would any of you! 😉
Sorta like the leading a horse to water quote huh?
It just seems uncaring to change the subject and superficial to keep "talking" about it over & over & over & over & over & again with no action. Then again maybe if she repeats it to herself enough, she will start to believe it because she truly is a beautiful person who deserves to be happy. Time will tell though, because I ain't sayin nuffin else, Lord know I gots prollums! Then again, I wouldn't be on here if I didn't like having an opinion on other people's life...and neither would any of you! 😉
Sorta like the leading a horse to water quote huh?
Hi CancerLady.
I understand. You just want her to be happy. You care about her, so when she talks about her problems, your heart goes out to her. Your first thought is, "What can I do to help you make things right?" It's the nonaction that's the killer though. It's like, someone says something, and you respond, "Here's how to fix it." They say okay, and nothing happens. It comes up again, and again, you offer the path of correction. Nothing happens. The 100th time she mentions it. . .it's like pulling your hair out.
I know you feel helpless. I know you say to yourself, "If I can just get her to do this, then . . ." It sucks, I know. As human beings we're all mutually exclusive. Yet, emotional bonds fuzzies that. When we're attached to someone, we don't feel so mutually exclusive anymore, and yet. We're attached to something we can't completely effect. It's a recipe for hurt.
Think of it as a body part. You control your arm. Whatever happens to your arm, you feel it. But, you control it, so you're not going to stick it in the oven, because that'll hurt. When you're attached to another person, it's like they're a body part. To care, means whatever happens to that body part, that person, you feel it. The rub, is it's a part you ultimately don't control. That arm could go in the over, it's going to hurt you, but you don't control it.
I think you're right not to say anything else. She's going to annoy you. Her misfortune is going to injure you. BUT. She's your friend. Don't listen to her complain lol, but if the proverbial light bulb ever goes off, I don't see why you can't be there for her.
Anyway. Wish you all the luck,
VirgoSquared
I understand. You just want her to be happy. You care about her, so when she talks about her problems, your heart goes out to her. Your first thought is, "What can I do to help you make things right?" It's the nonaction that's the killer though. It's like, someone says something, and you respond, "Here's how to fix it." They say okay, and nothing happens. It comes up again, and again, you offer the path of correction. Nothing happens. The 100th time she mentions it. . .it's like pulling your hair out.
I know you feel helpless. I know you say to yourself, "If I can just get her to do this, then . . ." It sucks, I know. As human beings we're all mutually exclusive. Yet, emotional bonds fuzzies that. When we're attached to someone, we don't feel so mutually exclusive anymore, and yet. We're attached to something we can't completely effect. It's a recipe for hurt.
Think of it as a body part. You control your arm. Whatever happens to your arm, you feel it. But, you control it, so you're not going to stick it in the oven, because that'll hurt. When you're attached to another person, it's like they're a body part. To care, means whatever happens to that body part, that person, you feel it. The rub, is it's a part you ultimately don't control. That arm could go in the over, it's going to hurt you, but you don't control it.
I think you're right not to say anything else. She's going to annoy you. Her misfortune is going to injure you. BUT. She's your friend. Don't listen to her complain lol, but if the proverbial light bulb ever goes off, I don't see why you can't be there for her.
Anyway. Wish you all the luck,
VirgoSquared
Hello Cancerlady!
How is it going on with your virgo female friend. Just remembering baout the problem that you had posted.
🙂
How is it going on with your virgo female friend. Just remembering baout the problem that you had posted.
🙂
HEY Looneybird!
Thanks for caring! Well, she still works @ the same place, is with the same man, and is talking the same stuff. The only thing that is different now is my approach on how to deal with it. The last time I saw her, she was like...Oh, I need a resume so I can apply to the job I had recently told her about (the one she acted ungrateful for) I told her before I would write her one up if she gave me the info...She never gave me the info, although she has brought it up again in conversation. I just figured, if she gives me the info, I will create her a resume...if not I am not going to stress her or myself over it. Besides, I am sure the lady has found someone by now.
I hate to say it, but as far as her "whining" I really just try to ignore it, because until she decides to change what SHE feels is wrong in her life...it won't do me any good to keep making suggestions or trying to help in that capacity. She is still my best buddy though!
Cancerlady
Thanks for caring! Well, she still works @ the same place, is with the same man, and is talking the same stuff. The only thing that is different now is my approach on how to deal with it. The last time I saw her, she was like...Oh, I need a resume so I can apply to the job I had recently told her about (the one she acted ungrateful for) I told her before I would write her one up if she gave me the info...She never gave me the info, although she has brought it up again in conversation. I just figured, if she gives me the info, I will create her a resume...if not I am not going to stress her or myself over it. Besides, I am sure the lady has found someone by now.
I hate to say it, but as far as her "whining" I really just try to ignore it, because until she decides to change what SHE feels is wrong in her life...it won't do me any good to keep making suggestions or trying to help in that capacity. She is still my best buddy though!
Cancerlady
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