Virgo ex update

The Virgo and I have been broken up for 11 days now. We have been strictly No Contact so far, but have recently run into each other a couple of times. He will not make eye contact with me, and when I get nervous around him, I find it easiest to pretend that he isn't there. Our communication was not very strong when in the relationship. Now a Scorpio is rapidly moving in on him (even in front of me!) while simultaneously asking me to hang out with her. It has gotten to the point where our social spheres have been upset by him hanging out with her. If I don't address the issue(s) with him, I have a feeling that we will lose each other forever, so I have decided to talk to him tomorrow to get some closure and clear things up. I think that my No Contact policy with him made him believe that I am not and will not be interested in a friendship (or more) with him in the future, which I still consider a possibility (although one that is quickly fading if this Scorpio sticks around).

What is the best way for me to relate to him? I am concerned that he made assumptions about what I wanted out of our relationship when he returned to the States, and that these assumptions were much less flexible than the reality of what I considered our situation to be. I would like to clear up what my intentions were prior to the termination of our relationship, discuss what is going on between us now-- healing and hopefully no longer being awkward in social situations-- and find a way to leave the future open. How do I approach the subject of the Scorpio without seeming threatened or jealous?

The first thing you need to do before talking to him is to actually change your perspective to incorporate the truth.

In reading the above, the impression is left in my mind that you DO feel threatened by the Scorpio ..

"my No Contact policy with him made him believe that I am not and will not be interested in a friendship (or more) with him in the future, which I still consider a possibility (although one that is quickly fading if this Scorpio sticks around)."




His feelings for you changed, cancer chic, whether it was somethign that happened in England, or something that happened during the holidays when you were visiting his family, or something that happened before he left for the UK .. who knows .. but, what is known is that he told you unequivocally that he no longer has these feelings for you.

And I'm sorry .. I know that hurts .. but, it is also life.

People change.


So, though, I understand your need to talk to him for closure .. at the same time, you cannnot speak to him about wanting closure if what you are wanting is for the relationship to go back to what it was, because then this talk is actually a set-up, a trap you lay for yourself, so that when he doesn't speak of wanting to be with you again ... your feelings are going to get hurt.

Because you don't want to hear that he isn't feeling you any longer .. you want to hear that he is.

And you do feel threatened by the Scorpio woman, or you wouldn't have said what you did in the quote above about if she wasn't in the picture.

You asked ..... How do I approach the subject of the Scorpio without seeming threatened or jealous?

And it isn't your place to ask about the Scorpio, he broke up with you, he told you that he isn't into you in that loving way anylonger .. so, it's not your business what he does in his private life.

If you don't like the Scorpio woman wanting to talk to you about him, then you should remove yourself from her presence in private settings so she can't ask you.

But, you can't talk to him about her ... and if you do, you can't do it without sounding jealous or threatened .. because you are jealous and feel threatened.

I'm sorry that his feelings changed for you, and left you feeling so horrible ... but, you cannot chase a man whom doesn't want you, Cancer chic .... don't lower yourself to that desperation.

And why is your NO Contact Policy even in place for, if what you want is to have your relationship back with him again?

To try and get him to chase you, by means of ignoring him to make him feel like he has to win you over?

I don't get this .... is this some kind of game?


You have to deal with this Cancer Chic .... and by this, I mean your own feelings here. You have to come to terms with what has happened here.

Of course I am threatened by the Scorpio woman. She has a pattern of moving in on guys very soon after they end a relationship, and the fact that she has been pretending to be my friend throughout all of this is hurtful. I have observed her manipulation prior to this, and it bites to be on the receiving end. While I do miss him very much, with what has recently happened to our group of mutual friends, I think it is better to discuss everything and try to at least be civil and at least make eye contact in the future. Unfortunately, his personal business is relevant to me--we live in a very small community with many mutual friends, and if he is going to be bringing a new person of significance around, it will affect me. In my yearning to get back with him, which I admit is still present to some extent, I would be interested not in trying to make the relationship what it once was, but to start over. I guess the worst thing that could happen tomorrow if for him to make it absolutely clear that he does not want to pursue anything with me in the future, and if that is so, I am no further back from where I started. When he originally broke up with me, he was very vague about his feelings for me. It would be nice to get some clarity, even if it is initially hurtful. What I was looking for in posting this is how to phrase things so that he will understand-- i.e. I live in my feelings and he lives in his head.

What I WANT is to heal, P-Angel. I love him, I am confused, I have never been in this situation before. I detest mind games, actually. My no contact policy was an attempt for us both to heal and grow, but it has been cut shorter than I would have liked. I would not want him back unless he had figured his issues out, and I do not expect him to come chasing after me.

I understand that it's difficult with the Scorpio lady, but, you have to talk to her about it, not him. And trust me .. I know all about Scorpio women and their manipulations ... that is, the immature ones.

Listen, though ... you have to talk to her, Cancer chick. Tell her that you're not going to be buddy-buddy with her.

What I gather here is that you want her to stop whatever it is she is doing, and so your solution is to talk to him about it .. which would equate to .. you want him to stop her. What is it you want him to do?

If this woman is bothering you .. then stand up to her .. tell her to back off from you. But, you can't tell her to back off from him because him and you broke up, and he is a single man now.


Your best bet, if she is a player (most Scorpio women are btw) is to remain adult about it, keep your calm and composure .... Virgo man will definitely recongize if you are mature about it. And he will definitely recognize if you let your feelings get out of control, also.

Virgo men don't make hasty decisions, Cancer chic .... so, his decision to back off from you wasn't just a spontaneous reaction to something. This is likely something he thought long and hard about while in England.

I don't know what happened between you to make him change his mind about being with you .. and maybe you don't even know, for the last time you two were together (before he left) all seemed fine. But, trust ... something happened to make him change is perspective of the relationship.


Maybe what you should do is to write him a letter .. that way you won't have to worry about getting upset and saying somethign you don't mean. You know that if you talk to him in person and he says that he doesn't want to try again at the relationship that you might lose your composure and get upset.

In a letter, you can get everything out you need to say, and still be credible because no lose of emotions would be present to distract him from hearing what you need to say to him.

It's worth a shot.

You need to talk to HIM, cancer chic. Don't keep your emotions inside. Your post sounds as if you care more about your mutual friends and surrounding than the virgo man himself. If you make this as your main topic, it will not be convincing that you still have feelings for him. Is that what you really want? Do you want him back or is it just about the scorpio woman and your social spheres or do you want to built some kind of arrangement of how to deal with your break-up?

First find your own motives of what you really want, cancer chic. Then ask him to meet you, but be prepared. It's like essay writing. Your points are important as they will reflect your intentions.

Suggesting of leaving the future open is very tricky in your situation, cancer chic. You can leave the future open when in a relationship, but when you don't have one -- like right now, then it means he is up for grabs. You can't force anybody not to approach him.

I think you should send this guy an email or a letter. This will keep all your emotions at bay and you can type exactly what you want him to know and it will give him time on his own to really study it and respond reasonably.
He might not like emotional confrontation.

Thank you all for your advice. I'll let you know what happens.

furryleo: You have misinterpreted the situation entirely. I would never stoop to that.

Alright, I'll rescind that comment.

OK so I just talked with him.

He apologized for the misunderstanding this weekend and made it clear that the Scorpio was just tagging along. He said he's been doing a lot of not-thinking and just letting things happen, which is actually not turning out so well, as is evidenced by this weekend as well as him missing academic meetings. He said that he is not in a committed relationship with anyone right now and doesn't think he is looking for one. He invited me to hang out with him and a mutual friend on Wednesday. It was really easy for us to talk to each other. After we broke up, he had expected to see me around, but when our schedules made it so we never saw each other, things got weird. I think we're both really glad that we got to talk it out. I told him that I would probably need to gradually ease into friendship with him and he was open to that. He hasn't told his parents that we broke up. He hugged me before he left.

I think we are moving from a negative situation into a positive situation. Now that I am on speaking terms with him, I think that I will find it easier to relax about the situation and just see how things progress.

Thank you, virgogotme. I don't believe that respect could be maintained if we were to morph into a FWB, and my emotions are too raw to consider sex that wouldn't mean anything. For this moment, I am strictly looking for friendship. However, in your experience, do you think with some time and a healthy friendship, romance could be rekindled? I want to take one step at a time here; I'm just wondering.

Well, that sounds like it's a move in the right direction, anyway .. communicating the issue is much better than putting a no contact rule in place. How else are people supposed to know what the hell is going on if they ignore each other? Because problems don't resolve themselves .... so this is a good thing that you two were able to discuss this.


Keep in mind, Cancer chic, that you have a secret motive here .. you want him back. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't want him back, I'm only making you aware that you have this hidden agenda .. so, you can keep yourself in check and not try to persuade him into anything before he is ready. And you also have to keep in mind that he may never want to go beyond friendship.

I would agree with VGM ... if you two are going to try a relationship on the friendship level, then it would be unwise to include benefits in this .. for it would only lead to the Virgo losing respect for you, not to mention degrading your own integrity.

One thing though, that's in your favor with this ... Virgo's highly regard people who open and honest with them, without letting uncontrolled feelings misguide them ... so, for the fact that you are keeping your emotional composure with this, might turn the tide for him to realize that he might respect you more than he originally thought. Which could ultimately lead him to wanting to try an intimate relationship again.

In any event .... you two got to discuss this, and it sounds like it was a positive thing .. so, this is great news.

"he misunderstood my expectations when he came back" bit is the clue in.



Yeah, and that's what lead me to say what I did in my first post to this thread ... there is a motive.

However, I think she realizes that this motive is in place ... she just has to make sure she is aware of this and not let her try and manipulate him.

Women in love will do this, I'm afraid ... the secret is to be aware that we are capable of it and not let it take over our senses.

furryleo, you are no longer welcome in my posts. You do not offer any sort of constructive criticism or advice; you instead attempt to sniff out what you think are my negative ulterior motives and then proceed to insult me. If dating other people is what he wants to do, I say OK; but NOT when less than two weeks have passed since the termination of our 11-month relationship. I will not be disrespected in that manner.

Thank you, P-Angel. I do want him back right now, but it's a possibility I will not want him back forever. No matter what ends up happening in the future, I want us to have a healthy relationship, even if it is just a friendship and nothing more. I understand that I have no control over his thoughts, feelings, or emotions and therefore will not consciously attempt to manipulate him.

furryleo, please do not try to understand me and tell me what I will or will not do in any given situation. You have already proved that you are incapable.

"If dating other people is what he wants to do, I say OK; but NOT when less than two weeks have passed since the termination of our 11-month relationship. I will not be disrespected in that manner."


Whoa .. wait a minute ... this does sound like control.


Cancer chic, when a person breaks up with you, and by you I mean in the 3rd person ... this person is free, and has no obligations of respect to another. He would have an obligation to show respect DURING the relationship, but, not after the break-up.

He doesn't owe you this respect that you speak of. He is a free man to date anybody he chooses ... and doesn't have to take your feelings into consideration.

Is a friendship not based upon respect? I honestly do not mean to control him; I just feel that it would be premature for him to do so. But you are right, his decision is his decision.

Whoa whoa whoa, I did not GRILL him at all! He was the one who brought her up, as soon as he walked into the room and apologized for the miscommunication. I did not ask him what his feelings about her were and I did not attempt to presume them. If he does realize that he was wrong about dumping me, he could just as well do that by seeing other girls than by not, and if he does decide to do so, he can, because I do realize that we are no longer together. Stop jumping to conclusions.

I let him know that I may have to ease into this friendship gradually; how gradually depends on what is going on in our individual lives. At this moment in time, I am intending to hang out with him and some mutual friends on Wednesday.

We were all at a school event together. He was there with the Scorpio and that was unsettling. Afterwards, I was planning to chill with a mutual friend. She had let me know that there was a possibility he was going to show up, but I was tired of not talking to him and figured that if he did show up, maybe we could at least say hi to each other. The group of friends convened basically in front of my building. I was upstairs getting changed when he showed up... with Scorp in tow. The mutual friend made it known to him that this decision was not acceptable, but she didn't tell him why: because I was coming too. I was advised not to go, he got pissed off and decided not to go. The mutual friend talked to him the next day so that they could clear things up and explained to him that I had originally been coming too.

The mutual friend talked to him without talking to me so I have no idea how I could have supposedly used her to do my "dirty work". She had issues with the girl because 1. the host does not know her at all, 2. the girl does not do the things we do at parties and would have made everything uncomfortable, 3. she personally does not like the girl, 4. she had invited me.

"when he showed up... with Scorp in tow. The mutual friend made it known to him that this decision was not acceptable"


—————


Why are his decisions not acceptable to this friend?


I'm unclear here, why he has to abide by someone other than himself .... in his position, I would have been pissed off, also.


What the hell is going on here, Cancer chic ... are you putting someone else up to being a relator of your feelings for you?

This other person, this mutual friend, doesn't know how you feel, s/he doesn't know how the Virgo man feels ... this friend can only interpret how either of you feel, as it would be felt by him/her as they would go through it.

Or, is this other person just stepping in of his/her own accord, and not at your bidding?

I may do a, b, and c, and I'm not saying it's healthy, but I won't do it in front of him and I'm going to TRY to not let it affect our friendship. You seem to forget what a sensitive topic this is. I am still trying to heal my broken heart and looking for a constructive way to do so, he is whatever he is, but you are negative and assuming. You do not know anything about my friends. They have been extremely fair throughout this entire ordeal and neither I nor the Virgo have felt that we are in danger of losing our friends just because we have broken up. The mutual friend I mentioned earlier actually said that, despite how she feels about the Scorpio, if Virgo wanted her in his life, the mutual friend would be "cordial".

As I said earlier, the mutual friend "had issues with the girl because 1. the host does not know her at all, 2. the girl does not do the things we do at parties and would have made everything uncomfortable, 3. she personally does not like the girl, 4. she had invited me." She has also related to me that she feels like it is very soon for him to try to bring someone else in the group, but she made that decision on her own. I am not pulling strings here, and I am not trying to. I feel as if I am being made out to be some sort of puppet master, but really I am trying to let things happen as they will while trying to keep my head above water.

I hope to. It is going to take time.

In your position, I would inform this mutual friend not to interfer with your relationship with Virgo. I understand that her reasons for doing this were for herself, and not prompted by you ... however, if she is permitted to speak on your behalf, then this will not go over so well with Virgo.

They are about honest communication .. and he'd respect you for talking to him of your own mind .. which is what happened yesterday, or whenever it was you two got to talk.

I understand that girls talk to their friends about feelings, I talk to my girls about feelings also ... but, I can tell you, living with a Virgo .. if I had something to say to him and my friend spoke for me .. he would be outraged.

I know that didn't happen .. I'm jsut saying, make sure this friend doesn't speak your feelings for you to this man.