An inadequate way to manage personal life

Was not going to do this, but something compels me. Maybe other people with similar placements can benefit.

I am a Leo Sun, Virgo Moon, Leo Mercury, Cancer Venus, Leo Mars, Capricorn Asc, man, 34 yo. A stellium in the 7th house with Sun, Mars, Venus and Mercury. The only air sign is Jupiter in Aquarius, so very little air. As if Moon in Virgo and Venus in Cancer were not enough, the stellium in the 7th has the following explanations: 1) almost impossible to marry; 2) life path depends a lot on forming a family; 3) I lack inner understanding and feeling of ego - I have to reflect on myself it through the eyes of others and thus it's very important who are around me (strange stuff, but true).

I think I've been very fortunate in all areas of my life apart from personal life.

At this age I have never had a real long-term relationship (more than 6 months). I've been in love (by the feel of it) 4 times and 2 of them ended in complete disaster with a very short period of actual courtship and a very long period of aftermath with these girls telling me clearly they didn't want to have anything to do with me. Those two episodes took out effectively 7 years our of my adult life.

The third relationship was nice in the very beginning (just attraction, although I already then knew how to read a basic chart), but became just a boring unfulfilling drizzle with me being extremely relieved when she left me for possessiveness. I didn't even seriously try to ask her to come back, just for protocol. I was so exhausted, that it took a couple of years to understand that I shouldn't program myself that being alone is a great choice😄

It recently happened again.. when I finally decided to get some kind of closure with a massive crush on a girl I saw once a week for 6 months. On the first date, I realised she was of a different moral standard than myself (forgive me for saying that). Her chart is very similar to mine and has no air in it, Sun in Aries, Moon in Taurus, Mercury-Venus-Mars in Pisces and Leo Asc. Yet there were many problematic indications and I could feel after a week of quite intense discussions that she had the potential to make me very unhappy, really brake the way I felt what a man and a woman should be. So I was able to make a conscious decision to leave it there, although I was massively attracted to her. I realised that attraction came purely from fantasy, which I developed during watching her for 6 months. I thought about those 6 months and about the technology of manufacturing that attraction: 1) like her physical appearance; 2) most important - prove to myself she had the potential to be highly moral; 3) prove to myself she had the potential of emotional love - water signs; 4) prove to myself she was a kind, good person and rejection from her was worth the damage.

I did all four.. and after getting to know her a little, I realised the point about morality was not to the standard I was hoping for. But all the other boxes were well ticked. I had two weeks of 'hell': no sleep, no appetite.. I realised in the end, what it was.. I made that dream again of a person, without knowing the person at all.. and was unable to let that image go, although I could see it in my mind.. And this has happened to me every time.. I've had this so many times, I'd thought I should know better now. Is this ok?🙂