I think I'm giving up for now

I honestly have tried like I said in the past to fix things but someone said in another aqua forum post with males and aqua males in particular I shouldn't be the one to fix things. So I'm going to stop trying. We've talked numerous times about the "problem" and I'm sure he felt bad about me feeling bad, but I know he thinks things are fixed but I don't really think anything changed at all because the biggest problem we had was him not valuing the friendship we have (HAD). He places this heavy burden on me. He always goes to me for validation or reassurance, but whenever our circle of friends hang out he expects that I'll be there (if he's going I have to go - kind of view point) and if I did show up its like I'm not even there because he'll spend his whole night speaking with everyone else or he'll interrupt my conversations at being social with anyone else and distract the people away from me. I don't know if he's doing it on purpose but he's making it hard for me to even socialize with my other friends.

Anyway I guess this is why I'm giving up on trying to fix things or even understand him or even knowing him. At least for the time being. The frustration and the sadness is too much to bear now. It's gotten to the point where I don't even know if how I feel about anything in life is truly rational or justified or if I'm overreacting. I have no sense of self and I have low esteem now because of him to the point where I don't think I matter to anyone or i'll eventually assume that's how other friends feel about me to. I also get jealous at any socializing he'll have with anyone else and make assumptions about everything and when he finally does talk to me I'm so grateful at the attention I feel like a deprived puppy.

It's pathetic and I hate it. I used to be happy and indpendent and I used to trust him with everything and I never doubted anything or questioned our friendship but this whole PROBLEM created a dysfunction to the point where I don't even know if its even a problem in the first place and that I've been misinterpreting everything the entire time.

Anyway point is I need a break from him but where it's impossible is all we have all of the same friends. Most of us always hang out as a group, very rarely itll be one on one. If it is, its not friends that either he or I are super close with. So if I want to hang out with our friends, he's automatically there too. So I can't even get away from him.

Plus I think if there truly is

Plus I think if there truly is a "problem" and it being his fault, he's so used to me being around its taken for granted and he won't truly fix his own behavior until he realizes I'm not accessible anymore.

I'm not into playing games but I need space from him to work on me, but at the same time he needs to learn that I'm not here forever and he shouldn't waste his time.

Any ideas?

Do whats best for you.

I think having some space away from him would be good for you.

I'm sorry. 😢

Thank you both but do you guys have any ideas on how I can seperate myself from him because we have the same friends, I practically see him at some point several days a week either when I hang out with friends, or friends naturally bring him up (not realizing how bad this situation is), and because we kind of live near each other I coincidentally see him on the road alot or at the same retail locations.

For me to truly get over things I need space where I don't see or speak to them. He has too much access that's why I'm not a mystery, that is also why he doesn't wanna get to know me because 1) people will freely tell him what is going on with me or 2) he'll eaves drop on my conversations or he'll make assumptions.

I won't gain my sanity and he won't make effort until I truly take away the access.

So how do I do that?

New friends?

I'm not just going to give up long time friends to make new ones. That's fucked up. How can you even suggest that?

I agree take a breather. His projecting his insecurities over onto you is really throwing you off balance.

Hang out with your friends outside of a group setting. Trying being more one on one, or maybe par it down to certain friends during the week. Do it for at least 6 to 8 weeks. Do not do groups anymore for awhile to get him used to not seeing you around the group.

Take a break, he may not like it but you have to do what's in your best interest.

You cannot fix a man, you can't fix his behavior, once a man is molded into who he is, well that's who he is, and it won't change unless it's his desire to change.

I don't think what he's doing is something you should be losing yourself over though. He just seems annoying like us Aqua's can be some times.

Being an Aqua female I've overwhelmed a few people with my love, with my energy, with my behavior/thoughts and being a few years older I'm learning how to temper that kind of energy as to not do that to others.

Also insecure Aqua's are the pitts IMHO, we/they are not that fun to be around when he/she is living in his or her mental space, trying to figuring things out.

We are so damn lovable and it's unfortunate when an Aqua can't comprehend it.

He's probably an young Aqua male which is why he's all over the place.

@tiki33 the problem originally was we used to be smitten with each other at least I thought so, or at least comnfortable enough to be cutesy or whatever you wanna call it. Then all of a sudden its like none of all that happened and I'm confused. The times we talked about it, he blames me and me treating him like none of it happened but he'd never give me examples.

At the same time, I can eventually be okay with losing him as a friend if he's going to treat me like we weren't close once but I can't even live my own life and build up my other friendships because its like he always tries to get into my conversations and distracts people away from me, spies on me from afar, and then makes assumptions about what's going on in my life with the little information he has. If he just asks me what I've been up to, he'd actually know. Or if he actually paid attention when I'd work up the courage to tell him, he'd know. I don't know why but that's what he does. Hell he did it when a mutual friend was talking to me he butt into our conversation and tried to distract them with conversation a couple of days ago.

Our friends never notice so some think I'm irrational, while others notice but they don't have a clue other than what they've already tried to tell him before was he needs to be more attentive. But he's forgotten all about that because he thinks everything is "fine" now when nothing changed at all.

I feel caged by him because he so wants everyone's attention that at times it becomes too much because he's trying to hog everyone's attention and if you point it out he'll get all defensive. Even though we're both established adults, I think his experience level when it comes to proper socializing and frienships, he's a novice. But he won't grow if he gets defensive if you try and point something out.

Also, even if I cut friendships he'll still ask people where I am and they will freely tell him, I've already told them before not to mention me and they still do.

Posted by IAmMystified
I'm not just going to give up long time friends to make new ones. That's fucked up. How can you even suggest that?

It was partially a joke

Take new routes to the places you typically go to. Change up driving patterns. Find little back ways you can use to avoid going the same routes plus you may learn quicker ways to get to where you're going.

Also pull your friends aside, open up, let them know you are taking a break from Aqua, keep it short and simple, let them know you need some space away from him.

Ask/instruct them to never reveal anything about you to him anymore, which includes them not mentioning him to you. You'll have to be vulnerable by saying what you need and why you need it.

As I mentioned, try hanging out in smaller groups, maybe split your time up between all your friends so you can spend time with them without interruption and instruct your friends not to invite others, you need some alone time with them without the Aqua around.

Basically you'll have to compromise and change things up for your won sanity.

If none of this is possible then you'll have call it quits with the aqau and let the chips fall where they may.

Posted by NotYourAverageAquarius

Posted by IAmMystified
I'm not just going to give up long time friends to make new ones. That's fucked up. How can you even suggest that?

It was partially a joke

click to expand

That's kind of his personality too. If i had a serious problem instead of helping me solve it he'll say something stupid that wasn't really funny when all I wanted was a solution.

@tiki33 Even though he's very flip floppy and has no routine, his unroutine has a pattern. He defaults to what he has experienced and uses that technique. If let's say certain jokes makes a person laugh, he'll default to that same category every time. So basically once he identifies what he thinks is your pattern he defaults to that and makes assumptions based on that. I think I know what he sees as my pattern and I know where the dysfunction is because he defaulted to what he thinks works with me. Which is more than likely incorrect because he truly doesn't understand/know me anymore.

So I'm changing up my patterns - the places I frequent, the roads I take

I'm also been wanting to join a specialized gym (because I've gained weight because of this mess) and I'm excited about that. I'll be involved with that probably 3-4 days a week. I'm taking up new interests coincidentally

I'm also going to make sure if he and I happen to be in the same room/place that the person I'm talking to doesn't talk so loudly (as some of them do) to the point where he can here what we are talking about. I will also limit the time I'm around. 1-2 hours max then I'll "have to go sorry guys!"

Sound good?

Posted by IAmMystified

Posted by NotYourAverageAquarius

Posted by IAmMystified
I'm not just going to give up long time friends to make new ones. That's fucked up. How can you even suggest that?

It was partially a joke

That's kind of his personality too. If i had a serious problem instead of helping me solve it he'll say something stupid that wasn't really funny when all I wanted was a solution.

click to expand

And I always thought women just wanted you to listen and not give solutions?

Anyways sorry if I offended you.

Posted by NotYourAverageAquarius
Anyways sorry if I offended you.

Making a joke wasn't a solution.

Btw, we do want people to listen if its our "bf/husband" or the person we have a problem with...if its anyone else we want to vent and a solution.

I'd say tiki's suggestion is probably the best option you have.

*shrug*

@NYAA I think so too. It'll also wean me off of the focus i have on him. I mean even someone casually mentioning something about him, it'll sadden me because I'll feel like one of the following (or all of the following) depending on the situation:

1. Why didn't he share that with me?
2. Why didn't he tell me about it?
3. Why didn't he include/invite me?
4. He forgot about me? He forgot he promised me.


I think part of the problem with me having that natural reaction is the fact that he naturally forgets me more than anyone else. That part isn't an assumption and doing that only makes it worse for me to where I feel sad and left out and then I start imaginging the worst of the worst which puts me in tears and etc.

I'm tired of hearing things he said, told, did with someone we know and being jealous that I wasn't included or told or whatever. I'm tired of being sad everytime I hear something.

Its nuts.

"@tiki33 the problem originally was we used to be smitten with each other at least I thought so, or at least comnfortable enough to be cutesy or whatever you wanna call it. Then all of a sudden its like none of all that happened and I'm confused. The times we talked about it, he blames me and me treating him like none of it happened but he'd never give me examples."

Aqua is a fixed sign, meaning we do not deal with change very well, thus the transition from friend to lover can be quite challenging for an Aqua especially an Aqua who has self esteem issues/immature.

I have a gut feeling you expected a lot from this man and now you're having to come to terms with reality. Realistically he most likely always did what he is doing, maybe not directly to you all the time but try to think back when you weren't that serious with the Aqua. Did you notice this behavior before allowing yourself to transition from friends to dating/lovers? Think back, maybe he didn't do this to you but maybe he did this behavior to others in your group which is possibly why some of your friends don't actually feel his behavior is a problem.

Honestly I think you have to get real about your own expectations. He didn't turn out the way you thought he would, this doesn't mean he's a bad person, a cold person, maybe he just isn't fitting into being the person you hoped he would be. He went from lovey dovey to blah, it happens, it happens a lot. Some women just assume because there was copious amounts of flirting, chemistry etc that it will just grow and advance into the same stuff but not always, sometimes it fizzles.

Aqua's are curious by nature, we want to know everything about a person before we trust them, of course I can't speak for every Aqua but the way he's behaving isn't necessarily something I'd categorize as wrong.

He's FIXED by nature so he's not going to do what you think he should be doing, we can be rebellious. This behavior is not out of spite or maliciousness. Again I cannot speak for every Aqua.

"Our friends never notice so some think I'm irrational, while others notice but they don't have a clue other than what they've already tried to tell him before was he needs to be more attentive. But he's forgotten all about that because he thinks everything is "fine" now when nothing changed at all."

He's clueless about how to change, so he falls back into his old patterns/habits, it's actually normal for an Aqua or a man in general to do this. He won't change

got cut off...

He's clueless about how to change, so he falls back into his old patterns/habits, it's actually normal for an Aqua or a man in general to do this. He won't change if HE doesn't deem his behavior as something detrimental to his own well being. Men in general won't change b/c you ask them to change. They change b/c they want to change for themselves.

"I feel caged by him because he so wants everyone's attention that at times it becomes too much because he's trying to hog everyone's attention and if you point it out he'll get all defensive. Even though we're both established adults, I think his experience level when it comes to proper socializing and friendships, he's a novice. But he won't grow if he gets defensive if you try and point something out."

He won't grow by being judged and/or chastised, he's a grown man, telling him to be different and/or to change his behavior will only spur him to rebel against the "be normal" machine. He won't change b/c others/you feel he should.

Plus telling a man he's doing something wrong makes him FEEL WRONG as a human being, he feels criticized and not accepted for who he is which can create more apathy towards you. He figures why should he change for anyone. If he has to change then that means something is WRONG with him and that is not a good feeling for a man thus whatever it is he's doing will only get worse and more repetitive.

If he don't get it then he has to learn there are no rewards for his behavior. Ironically you give him lots of attention when he's being negative/childish so there is no real incentive to change when he's getting more attention for being bad. When he's being annoying you have to give him less and less attention until he GET that he can't be bad and still get what he wants.

If he's being REWARD with more love, more attention, more caring, more of your focus, more more more then there is no need change. You don't reward a man for being bad by GIVING him more of whatever it is he's trying to get be it attention, sex etc etc.

Also, even if I cut friendships he'll still ask people where I am and they will freely tell him, I've already told them before not to mention me and they still do.

Request from your friends to stop freely telling him about your whereabouts, explain the burden and emotional toll you feel and if they still give him info then minimize contact with your so called friends b/c listen friends, real friends, adhere to your wishes, needs etc, although you feel their your friends you must place boundaries on what you openly discuss with them which means your whereabouts are unknown thus they have nothing to tell.

You may have to go back analyze these friendships. Figure out whose loyal towards you more than the Aqua and only share with the friends that you can trust to have your back.

I think you have a good idea how you need to proceed. 1 to 2 hours is good because that doesn't give him enough time to start in on you.

Also be flexible, if you need to leave earlier than an hour then do so, you have to gauge it as you go along and again be flexible and unpredictable. Don't do the same thing over and over as to where he can predict when you're coming and going.

No more chastising him or shall I say coming across as not pleased with him. Let him do what he want/need to do and you do the same. Remember you cannot control a grown man so don't try, instead focus on you which includes focusing on how you feel, take care of yourself when you feel off balance instead of spending an exorbitant amount of time being angry/agitated with him.

Attention, even negative attention can be a reward so instead of rewarding him with more attention, be slightly apathetic and slightly distant when he's being the person you don't want to deal with, what may happen is you'll see a significant change back to the good guy he was before he turned into a bad boy.

lastly sorry for the typo's I'm on my cellphone and I suck at typing on it.

@tiki33 For a cell phone you typed alot! LOL

You gave very sound advice. I do appreciate it. I've always known how most aqua men generally are but you're right I did get used to the mooshyness and I've always missed that about him. When I think back about the friendship in the past I didn't see him around as much because he had less friends then I think. So all I had to base it on was the mooshiness he gave me and only me and not our other freinds. Then things changed around the same time he finally made more friends. I don't know if it changed before or after he made more friends, all I knew is the amount of attentiveness i was getting went from a level 10 to a level 1-2. It wasn't even the attention itself I loved, I liked the fact that he was honestly someone I could talk to that I always got objective advice from. I can't get advice from him anymore. At least I feel like I can't anymore. He doesn't pay attention half the time. But with others he's all focused on them. I don't get the difference like I said.

I understand I'm seeing more sides of him than I did in the beginning and that's not the problem. He literally is a great friend to everyone BUT me. I'd understand if he was great with some people but he's amazing with everyone. He's always joking with them, asking them about what's going on with them, sharing what's going on with them, being helpful, laughing at their jokes. But I don't even get any of those things from him. Even when I try and get out of my shy shell and joke with him he just looks at me like I'm weird half of the time, when its the same type of jokes I used to have.

Its kind of like no matter what I do I can't affect him in any sort of way and the only time I get any sort of resemblance of "I matter" is when he needs reassurance/validation from me like I'm his psuedo baby blanket. I just want to be able to joke with the man and relate to him like I can with our other friends.

I do feel caged though in terms of he wants me around (for whatever reason) but he won't do anything to continue to bond with me. I don't operate freindships with a 10 foot pole. You either want to be my friend or you don't. One of our friend's who knows the situation doesn't understand why he's the way he is around me but she has stated more times than I count that she notices different behavior when we're in the same room, and its nothing that I see.

She says "when he passes by you, leaves the room or arrives his eyes glance

She says "when he passes by you, leaves the room or arrives his eyes glance in your direction"

I told her he has to look somewhere he can't walk around with eyes closed. But she keeps insisting she notices things but I don't know. All this resentment has placed doubt and mistrust on him.

Ah, his behavior is so typical.

He's insecure, manipulative & did I mention insecure?

It's ok for him to be whoever he wants to be & to talk to whoever he wants to talk to, but when he isn't actually the center of attention in your world outside of him, he can't handle it. And to add insult to injury, he has the nerve to make YOU feel bad about HIS insecurities & manipulation tactics.

You've called him out on his behavior several times & he hasn't changed. So now what? Well, 1st convince yourself to remember that if he was gonna change, he would've changed already. When a person shows you proof over & over again that nothing you say/do will make them change, that is NOT code for "keep holding on while continuously trying to change them."

Don't settle for being the victim. I get it. This guy has played so many games with your heart & your mind that you don't know what to believe anymore. You don't know who to blame. That kind of thinking is usually the biggest indicator that someone is in an emotionally (or verbally) abusive relationship. Normally outsiders are the only ones who can see what's going on. But thank God you finally see it! Acknowledgment is the 1st step of change & healing.

Once you yourself have become a toxic person (thanks to him), the relationship can especially no longer work. Why? Bc toxic people can't fix or change other toxic people.

You know what you need to do. You were a person before you met him. You had hobbies, you had a personality, you had fun, you believed in yourself, you had things that you used to do that you stopped doing as much or altogether some time during the relationship & you had an identity outside of who claimed you in a relationship.

Go back to doing those ^^^ things. Distraction is a really good technique for healing b/c it disables the button in you that wants to harp & feel sorry for yourself all day.

If you have to, get out a sheet of paper & write at the top, "Things I'd have to go through if I stayed/got back with him." You'd be surprised at how 1 page of venting turns into 2 & then 3 pages. Whenever you feel yourself wanting to slip back into the relationship, refer back to that list. Especially use this list when he pulls out all his manipulative tricks to wheel you back in.

When a manipulative insecure person feels that they're losing grip on their own personal punching bag, that's when all the manipulative tactics come out full force. They'll say almost anything (especially the things you want to hear & have been waiting forever to hear) to wheel you back in. You need to understand this so that you will already be 2 steps ahead once he finally sees proof (not just your words) that his behavior is NOT acceptable. Being 2 steps ahead of the game makes it easier to not go back to a toxic situation/person.

It's 1 thing to stay bc you're unaware that you're entertaining a toxic person/relationship, but now that you know, you can't unknow that! If you want better/different results, then something has to change. You tried the tactic of changing him. It didn't work. So any new strategies CAN'T possibly involve somehow getting him to change.

We'd all like to believe that abusive people will 1 day wake up, see the broken look in our eyes & change on the spot in the name of "love," but look around. That almost never happens. We only "wish" they'd suddenly turn into this morally upstanding individual, but in the real world, that almost never happens.

You know what you gotta do. So do it. No excuses. Is it easier said than done? Of course. Everything in life always is. But if you want your own healing to take place & your own emotional well being to be restored, removing the toxins are the 1st step. Oh it's gonna hurt! It's gonna hurt like hell b/c he's still all that you know & is your comfort zone even though things with him aren't technically comfortable

BUT keep in mind that the only thing worse than being in a toxic relationship for 1 year is being in a toxic relationship for a year & 1 day. Do what you've gotta do. This is time you'll never get back. If he's not the "happy ending," then he's gotta go. Be your own best friend & lover FIRST. Once you master that, you'd be surprised at how many deserving guys will naturally flock to you. Then you'll be looking back on this moment kissing yourself for letting go vs. being regretful & wishing you would've listened & ran when you 1st knew you should have. Good luck

@krys I think u posted in the wrong question. He and I aren't in a relationship. We are just platonic friends and always have been. Though he was kinda cutesy mooshy in the beginning.

Though you remind me of something. Regardless of how the issue started or why it still exists. Point is I'm so bitter and affected by anything he does and how he is with mutual friends to the point where I'm deeply hurt all the time and it makes me jealous angry and I jump to crazy conclusions. It's not healthy that someone's presence alone can do thAt.

Give you an example. The other day we were all hanging out me not being acknowledge by him again and he was leaving early and he said to me on his way out "see you soon?"

I said "I think several times a week is already enough." It was a joke but it was bad of me to say it but it probably came from deep passive aggressiveness and the need to be mean to him.

He didn't laugh or anything but that's how toxic it's made me inside

So that's why I'm temporarily giving up on fighting for whatever this all is until I regain myself.

I agree with Krys...Very insecure male so it's really hard to connect with a man that looks towards others for approval.

You see, he has your approval, he know you're into him, you maybe admire him, maybe in love with him so yeah he has you already. He has your approval so now he's going outside of the relationship to gain others approval.

I'm curious. Has he been diagnosed with anything say like Bipolar disorder? I only ask because from what you describe he seems very self involved and Narcissistic.

I know a couple of Narcissist that ignore the people that love them and then maneuver out towards others to get NEW sources of supply, basically supply is attention because once men like him become familiar with the old source (you) he's looking for new sources to claim, control, get attention from, charm

I'm going out on a limb...Use Google, plug in some of the things you've experienced. For example I Google'd "why do narcissist ignore you" and a plethora of information came up.

Typically a Narcissist will MIRROR you, they are very keen on picking up what you need, what you want, what will create a strong attachment before dumping/devaluing the source (the source of supply is you)

Google---Dump and Devalue lot's of information about this kind of behavior as well.

What will happen is the Narc--Selfish person will IDEALIZE you. Google "Being idealized by a narcissist" what you'll notice is a lot of women being IDEALIZED by their partner, this idealization phase can appear and feel like love but it's not.

Sooner than later the phase where you are being devalued and dumped will take place and then there is no return of that glorious guy that loved you so much, he won't come back but if he does come back, beg, idealize you again, it's only to maintain a certain amount of power and control over you which can explain why you feel so damn awful all the time.

The reason I'm going this route is because you mentioned how independent you were before, you also mentioned how secure you were self esteem wise and now you're a big ol ass mess which to me is a clear indication that you may be dealing with a guy with a personality disorder but don't take my word for it, investigate it for yourself.

Google "narcissist need for reassurance/validation" and you will see a lot of information about Narcissist deep need for reassurance and validation. Narc's take they don't reciprocate.

I know a couple of Narcissist that ignore the people that love them and then maneuver out towards others to get NEW sources of supply, basically supply is attention because once men like him become familiar with the old source (you) he's looking for new sources to claim, control, get attention from, charm

What a lot of Narcissist do is idealize the woman he's dealing with so she will IDEALIZE him, it's the "idealizing him" part that he's after and once he gets it you are devalued down to nothing, then he's off to play that same game with others. You only become tolerated and used when HE NEED a bit of reassurance that he's still special to you, once he gets it he's out the door paying attention to everyone else.

This is complicated stuff. I'm a bit rusty on these kind of issues but I hope I led you to some information that you can explore on your own.

Also Google--"Narcissist stare" or you can Google "Narcissist predatory stare". This may lead you to the reason why he's staring, trust me it has more to do with ownership, controlling you in a shared environment, keeping you off balance so you're the one that appears crazy (Gaslighting), none of it has anything to do with love.

I'm not sure if he's gaslighting you but I believe that he is which is why you feel so damn uncomfortable and put off by him. What is Gaslighting? It is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill anxiety and confusion in their victim's.

He will appear to have different personalities to each person in your group which can throw off the gaslighting personality disordered scent.

Of course I might off the grid with these one but I have a gut feeling I'm not.

Basically he's Narc'd you...

He's slowly turned you into HIM, Google "narcissistic projection" he's basically projected his behavior onto you.

The jealousy, the craziness etc is HIM not you, you gotta get out of the fog and take your power and personality back.

Projection is what we call crazymaking behavior on his part, he's crazy and he's somehow projected his crazy onto you, now you're not yourself anymore, your him and he's taken on your strong secure in control qualities to appear sane, realistically he's a total nut.

Men like him do go under the radar because it's done one on one and so there really is no proof that he's batshit cray cray b/c he can always turn it back around on you, friends are lost, jobs are lost, minds are lost so be careful

This is relatable for me. What I did was keeping myself busy. I??ve been going to the gym focusing on myself, work and family have kept me busy and my mind is occupied with other things. He will come to mind now and then but you need to be strong enough to focus yourself. Time is the only healing process to get over someone whether it's a relationship or friendship.

@Tiki33 I wouldn't know if it was narcisism and whether you are right or not. I'm confused about my own perception about anything now a days.

But this is the weird thing with Narcissitic people, wouldn't they eventually be that way with everyone? Why is it just me?

All of our circle of friends have known each other for years some longer than others but he hasn't changed how he acts towards them. With them he's still that generous, helpful, silly, yet disorganized guy who will bend over backwards to help you. Put you first. With me: I get talked to last, I never get invited anywhere because he automatically assumes that I'm going if he goes, he's always serious with me, goes to me if he needs validation or confirmation about something only HE would know but yet he asks me for whatever reason and in some ways he acts like he and I are a "we" not in a relationship sort of way, but I don't know how to describe it. On the rare occasion we do talk, he always uses we. And he's always affected by my actions:

If I happen to be quiet, he automatically assumes the worst and gives me space. If anyone else is, he'll still bug them anyway.

I don't know if this is a good thing, but the one bright side is when he is being generous I tend to get the nicest things that people are jealous of i.e. the xmas tree incident and people have made comments that he treats me better. But I just don't see it because I feel deprived the rest of the time.

Who knows if its narcissism I do know that he is a shy/insecure guy who uses corny & cheesy jokes as his way of getting to know someone and if that doesn't work he doesn't know how to talk to them so he stops trying after a while cause he doesn't know what else to do. I do know he has made comments in the past to friends that he's always been a shy guy who never knew what to say. He's also sometimes way too nice people take advantage of his giving nature and generosity. I do also know growing up that his parents were strict growing up which probably why he seeks validation alot and reassurance.

I don't know what the deal is but I do know those things.

Posted by Angeleyes17
This is relatable for me. What I did was keeping myself busy. I??ve been going to the gym focusing on myself, work and family have kept me busy and my mind is occupied with other things. He will come to mind now and then but you need to be strong enough to focus yourself. Time is the only healing process to get over someone whether it's a relationship or friendship.

What happened with you?

Its easier for me to heal if I had distance but I won't have an easy time at that seeing as he lives 5 minutes away, we frequent the same places coincdentally (as we have the same tastes), take the same routes etc. Have the same friends, same schedules etc.

So there will be several occasions now and then I will come across him. If I see him I'll be civil and friendly but I will limit contact (in a natural way). My objective is to see that I am not always accessible like he naturally assumes.

Problem is and its not just him either, because I am naturally friendly and all about harmony with society, people naturally assume that they can just depend on me without taking into consideration that I have a life of my own and that they need to have manners and be considerate of my time. Other people have done this and its always ended badly because I always grew to resent them.

I also need to learn to not always be as supportive as I seem to come across.

The other thing that bugs me is that people say to me alot. They say stuff like:

"But oh he's ___________ with you"

"You're lucky cuase he ___________ you"

It's like how am I lucky? I get forgotten about 99% of the time. And when I try and convince them otherwise, they think I'm just being mean to him or speaking bad about it. No one ever gets it!

@ I'm confused about my own perception about anything now a days.

Research!!

You will begin to get out of that fog you're in and see things clearly but it will take quite a bit of time alone, no friends for awhile and researching, lots of it.

What you'll find is a lot of women feel like you do at this very moment or felt that way when dealing with a pathological person. The more you know the easier it gets, suddenly you're not confused anymore, suddenly your old self begins to emerge again.

You've been Narc'd pretty bad so your not feeling confident at all which is understandable but everything you're feeling is not YOU...

Go back and read your comments when you said you were independent and had healthy self esteem, this person you are now is NOT YOU, that is what I'm trying to tell you.

"But this is the weird thing with Narcissitic people, wouldn't they eventually be that way with everyone? Why is it just me?"

No! It's not just you. Observe him, watch him closely from a distance and you'll recognize all these INSTANT CONNECTIONS he's developed with everyone.

Why? Because he's mirroring all of them, if she smiles, he smiles, if she's smooshy he's smooshy, if she hates abuse to dogs, he hates abuse to dogs and he'll garner up a fake story to back it up, if you've been abused, he's been abused and he'll garner up half truths or all out lies to back it up the abuse fakery, if you're friendly he's friendly, if you're angry he's going to act angry and indifferent, it's all smoke and mirrors.

What you're witnessing is him mirroring others personalities and think about it what person doesn't bond with the person who seems to have everything in common with them. He's even mirroring you now, you seem indifferent, he's indifferent.

"With them he's still that generous, helpful, silly, yet disorganized guy who will bend over backwards to help you. Put you first. "

It's all an act...The real him is the person YOU SEE and are witness to now. If he drops the act with your friends they'll get the exact same treatment, indifference. He was only mooshy and interested because you appeared mooshy and interested, the moment you pointed out a flaw, a wrong, he dumped and devalued you down to nothing, that is Narc/personality disordered/pathological behavior.

He gives you space because you are on to him. He will reject hearing your problems with him and his behavior, best to AVOID you, avoid the problem which is you.

You pointing out hi

You pointing out his issues/flaws means he'd have to take you into account and be accountable and he won't, he won't ditch his perfect flawless persona just so you'll feel better, instead he'll avoid you until you get in line with what he wants and how he wants things to be.

"I don't know if this is a good thing, but the one bright side is when he is being generous I tend to get the nicest things that people are jealous of i.e. the xmas tree incident and people have made comments that he treats me better. But I just don't see it because I feel deprived the rest of the time."

WAKE UP!! He is only doing this to rewrite the script back from being flawed to perfect. He is attempting to change your mind about him and make it permanent. He know if he treats you bad ALL THE TIME you will abandon the friendship that means he is flawed so to avoid ego injury/abandonment to avoid feeling flawed he'll honeymoon you again, feeding you crumbs of the honeymoon phase where he was perfect keeps you FOCUSED IN ON HIM, locked into the relationship and he controls whose going to abandon who first. Notice how he abandons you after he honeymoons you, he just ignore you, put you last and your stuck.

You have to wake up from the fog before you can dissect what's going on. You actually have the answers right in front of you but you are avoiding reality and continue trying to figure him out, you've figured him out but you have to get real about it as well.

It is not NORMAL to have healthy self esteem, be Independent and then turn around and lose it all in a matter of months/years, it's just not how healthy human beings that interact with one another lose from themselves.

Whether he's a Narc, covert Narc, whether he's pathologically toxic, whether he's personality disordered or just plain ole toxic there is either something wrong with him or something with you. The fact that you feel all these unexplainable emotions/feelings and have not one answer should send out a big RED FLAG that something either on his end or your end is toxic, which should lead you to investigate not sit here and be a helpless lamb about to be slaughtered by the big bad wolf.

An adult woman would never chunk her self worth something she's developed since birth, self esteem, independence out the door unless she's being covertly undermined and covertly rejected to the point that she loses all sense of who she is and thus turns into a jealous no self esteem monster...The fact that you turned into someone your not should be a clear indication that someone is fucking with you in the wrong way.

You're foggy and you've lost your sense direction about yourself and instead focused on him and his issues, WAKE UP, you've lost some of the most pivotal life tools to help yourself because you've slowly chunked it to the side to focus on HIM AND HIM AND HIM.

Notice when he mimics, jokes etc and it doesn't work he retreats, this isn't just about being shy, some people have what I call Narc repellent human interactions. If this guy feels he's outmatched by a stronger willed person he will retreat and hide as to not get figured out, this is beyond just being awkward and shy.

Somewhere along the way you've lost touch with your emotionally healthy self sufficient self and that's not healthy behavior on your part. Take a big step back and start dissecting and investigating. You have to work this out by yourself or you'll just come off as crazy to others.

Whether he's Narcissist, pathologically disordered, whatever it is it's not healthy for you. You want to figure it all out in the way you understand it through NORMAL human behavior which is why you're losing, you can't use normal ideas, normal thoughts, human normalcy to dissect the abnormal.

You have to think OUTSIDE NORMAL human behaviors, reactions, interactions, to get an idea of what you're dealing with. You will never figure this out if you keep looking at this the way you are because the way you're choosing to go about understanding this is futile.

I agree with you completely. Long story short is whatever the root of the problem is, its fucked me up so much that I totally don't know what's normal anymore.

I gotta regain me back. Whether its my fault, his fault both our faults...he's narcisstic, I'm stupid or whatever. Doot doot doot. Know what I mean?

Sound advice. I'll keep you apprised.

" Long story short is whatever the root of the problem is, its fucked me up so much that I totally don't know what's normal anymore."

The not normal feeling is cognitive dissonance. If you are not aware of what it is, use Google or whatever search engine you use to learn more.

Please find a way to heal and regain the positive self you were before he laid in on you with his BS.

You can do it. You can emerge even stronger from this. Keep us updated.

I will definitely post a week at a time on how its doing. In the past several days since I posted this question orginally:

1. I've been trying hard to focus on other freinds even he is present. But coincidentally I have been busy so I haven't been around TOO much

2. When he started talking to me the other day, I cut off the conversation after a couple of minutes to say something to someone else that was passing by and I got distracted so I forgot all about that I was just talking to him.

3. I have been busy lately in general so I haven't been around when friends hung out together so its probably been the first couple of times in a long time where I haven't been there.

4. Been keeping in mind about changing my patterns and changing the patterns of my patterns

That's it so far. As far as results go, I don't notice anything visually, other than when I do have those limited conversations with him, I don't feel anxiety like I usually do becuase I've felt like I had to find ways to get some kind of laugh or emotion out of him because half the time he'd respond with a straight face but the other day when we were talking (the time I cut him off) it felt like the old days where I didn't care if he laughed or not it was more about me and if I was enjoying the conversation and if I was laughing and etc.

So feeling that for the first time in a long time was nice.