Love my aqua ex - any hope?

Pretty sure he still loves me but he is sticking to bs decision to end us. We were together 2.5 years and I had many silent treatments. Our final blow up was 7 months ago over him wanting boys nights out all the time. He hung up on me and gave me the silent treatment for a couple of weeks. I went a little nuts with the Texting and calling - was fed up with the silent treatment. When he finally contacted me he came over and said he needed space and was maybe gonna see a counsellor on his own. He said call it a break or break up and left. Another 3 weeks of friendly type chat went by (we work together) and I finally texted and asked if he was ready to talk. Got the cold shoulder. I phoned and gave him the ultimatum. He chose to end it. We both cried. He said 'well maybe we can talk about it some more tomorrow' but the next day it was cold shoulder again. I tried the agree with the breakup and was put in the friend zone. We get along so well and I thought he was giving me signals of reconciliation. He didn't want to exchange our stuff, he still wanted to car pool and have witty banter, he said this was really hard for him and he wasn't ready to talk about it. He wanted to stay fb friends. I told him I couldn't car pool anymore and brought his stuff to work. long story short after 5 months of semi friend zone he asked how I was and I told him I missed him and love him and feel like I need to let go if he isn't coming back. He said he misses me too but that I gave him??Asthma (WTF) and he felt too much pressure and like I wanted to change him. He said do what I gotta do. He was quite blunt and rude, but held my hand as I cried.
??I told him I feel really badly that he thinks that of me and that I needed to know where he stood and that I can't be his friend. It's now been 4 weeks no contact other than a run in at work where he looked miserable. He asked how I was I said good and you? He said 'meh'. I know he loves me but I can't risk rejection again. Is no contact the way to go? Would an aqua be miserable and still think it's the right decision or is it just a show for my benefit? I love him deeply but I've apologized and told him I've grown and recognize I could have done things differently. Short of begging which I almost feel I have, and I know would only make him see me as unworthy, what I can do to make him come back.

Thanks for your reply. Obviously there is more to my story but I was trying to keep it short. If he had moved on, why is he having such a hard time letting go of me? I suppose it could be guilt. I know aquas don't like conflict or talking about feelings hence his avoiding any serious discussion. When I have talked to him he seems very interested in me feeling ok (doesn't want to see me sad/cry). He has no problem chatting and joking like we used to but it just makes me want more! We obviously can get along but like any relationship need to get through the bumps and he would rather run. 😢.
I do know it was guys night although he does have a lot of girlfriends and seemed to always want to keep me separate from his social circles.

I just don't see how he can go from lovers to friends just like that. And to try to maintain a rapport and inside jokes with me, but keep me at arms length is very painful. He was upset with his sister and confided in me, was sharing stories about his friends but I found it too painful to keep hearing. I defriended him off fb and he was quite hurt by that. But I had asked how he would feel if he saw me with a new bf and he shrugged his shoulders and said do what ya gotta do. I couldn't risk seeing him with another girl as it would tear me apart. I told him that. I keep thinking it's all a power move. He's thinking he can have me whenever he wants and now I've put my foot down. I hope it makes him realize what he's lost but if not it's what I need to do regardless. I just want to contact him so bad. I know him. And I know he loves me. Maybe he's not in love because of his line of thinking, but I can't help but feel he has a bit of internal struggle going on. Or maybe it's just mind games. 😢

Perhaps you are right. Sucks to hear considering all we had together.

Ya aquas can be so harsh when they dump you. I feel your pain. Ouch

I don't know if I am playing mind games with myself, but one can only make assumptions when he won't communicate effectively. The thing is, when we broke up and he sent me my dumped email, he said he loved me and saw a future with me but we were fighting and he didn't see how we would get past it. Then he ended the email with my nickname for him. I figured if I let him cool off and be my happy self he will come back. Well he kind of did but still kept his distance. When I break up with someone, I don't tell them I love them or see a future with them. Of course I don't break up with them if I feel that way either! I also don't tell them I miss them. I wouldn't want to lead them on in any way if I were truly done. And I also wouldn't feel crappy or pretend to feel crappy still 7 months later! If he still feels bad then I figure maybe deep down he doesn't think he made the right decision. But again, all ssumptions and wishful thinking on my part.

Thanks Starfish, I appreciate the insight. I really don't think there was anyone else, although maybe there could he now. But I don't think he is emotionally ready. I am giving him space even though he seems to want a 'friendship'. I worry my nc will help him move on. We haven't spoken or barely seen each other for a month now and work 10 feet from each other. I think he sees it as a silent treatment but it's not. Its just me not reaching out anymore. I hate thinking he is mad at me, but then again this is what he wants. I know he cares but he has his reasons for choosing not to be with me and I will respect that. I love him and want him to be happy. Just sucks if he can't be happy with me because I honestly and realistically think we are a good match (I'm sag btw so we both like freedom) For the record I think the counselling was an excuse at the time but I could be wrong. What aqua wants to talk to a stranger about their feelings? Lol

I don't think he ever went. The few times I had asked he kept saying he was going to make an appt but he hadn't yet. We had gone to 3 couples sessions together just before we broke up so at first I thought he would go alone and it would be good for him to vent and maybe get some perspective but when he kept saying he hadn't is when I realized it was probably a way to break up with me easier. Maybe he did go. I don't really know at this point. He had other issues he was dealing with as well like his father had a stroke and is now in a care facility and it's stressful for the family. He never wanted to talk about it and exercises and keeps busy to deal with his emotions. I think everything just piled up on him, but I thought he would see that a lot of these 'issues' are just his pent up emotions that he's not dealing with. We don't have any major issues that we can't work through (although he obviously doesn't feel the same way).

Aquas are very good at knowing the difference b/w what they want vs. what they need.

He may want you, may still love you & it may be killing him inside to let you go b/c of course he doesn't want to. No one ever wants to

BUT, he knows that he NEEDS to, so him letting you go, even if that requires feeling hurt on his end, is what he felt he had to do.

He's disconnected from you emotionally but not physically or psychologically yet.

Some Aquas (and people in general) can easily jump up, walk away & act like that person never existed. And others have to slowly BUT surely ween themselves off of someone. Sounds like he's slowly but surely weening himself off of you, which explains why he's so cool with minimal contact, but yet when it's time for his emotions to come out, you get nothing & the cold shoulder in return.

You need to let go. When it comes to an Aqua's mind vs. their heart, their mind usually wins b/c it's the 1 thing we're used to trusting. It's the 1 thing that spares us from further pain.

Eventually, he will cut you off completely. So if I were you, I would pay more attention to what he's NOT saying/doing b/c if you only pay attention to the 1 or 2 times when he's saying everything you wanna hear, you're gonna be in a for a rude awakening when you wake up 1 day & realize that he cut you off for good

So protect yourself. Get out now. He's not as cold-hearted as you think. You're taking his silence personal, BUT from his point of view, he feels that he'd be even more dead wrong if he kept on communicating with you & going about things the way he did when things were good & normal.

He probably feels that he's doing you a favor by backing up slowly but surely.

He probably feels smothered & suffocated by you. Of course you may not see your constant persistance with him as such, but all that matters is that that's how HE is interpreting your actions/words.

So give the man some space. Being all up in his face & trying to get him to turn on his emotional side when he's clearly not ready/willing to is only gonna drive him further AWAY from you. Trust me.

That makes sense. Since the breakup I have always left it to him to initiate contact so as not to smother. And I don't bring up the relationship. It's always him asking how I am and I usually put on my happy face and say good. And when i ask him he says 'depressed' or 'alright considering' or 'meh'. And of course that gives me hope.

The only time I did initiate was when I got into an accident 2 months ago and called him for help because he was close by at work. He came immediately and was a great help for me, hugging me and kissed my forehead, lent me his car for a day and offered to come to the police station with me. That's what sucked me back in and made me emotional again. After a couple weeks that is when I asked him where he was at and he pushed back. Said I made him sick (he thinks he has developed asthma because of the stress I caused him) Left me crying in the parking lot (though i was mostly hiding my tears) and then next day acts like nothing happened and sends me jokey emails. We didn't talk for a week or so and I took him off fb. The accident has been very stressful and he checked in on me so we had a brief and friendly talk about how it was going. I told him about fb and he was visably upset. I told him how hurt I was about the asthma and he said he wasn't serious (lie). He said he did go to the dr and he does have it but that the dr said you can't get it from stress although stress can trigger an attack, which he then said explains why he always felt like his chest was closing in. Anyway, everytime I talk to him I just feel blame blame blame and I've been taking it all. It takes 2, and while I made mistakes and could have done some things better, he did too. And I love him and accept his imperfections and deserve the same. So we are nc, even though it is killing me inside. 😢

if i was him...i won't look back. 7 months. thats a long time!

i've never gone back to someone AFTER that long apart. 2 days or 1 week but usually after 1 month they're like yesterday's news....and how i feel about them is different.

Well it was Feb 15 when he started the silent treatment and I got my breakup letter at the end if march. But we've pretty much been in contact the whole time until now. But yes, I'm starting to realize he probably isn't going to change his mind. 😢

😢 im sorry to hear!

are you okay now?

Aquas love to help people...not to mention they are wonderful friends. That is probably why he helped u when u were in an accident. Although he cares about u, he would prob do it for anyone if they needed it. Dont take that as him wanting to be with u, he just wanted to help his friend.

Also, ur situations sounds veryyy similar to how mine was. Thankfully he did decide to get back together. When my Aqua bf broke up with me after a year of being together he kept telling me that I was suffocating him and pushing him away because of my needyness. Then even though we were broken up he kept calling me EVERY day and talking to me for at least and hr on the phone. It hurt cause it sounded like he still wanted to be with me but whenever I asked him to get back together he said no and did whatever ur ex did. After 2 months of doing this and making my life helllll I told him that if he didnt want to be with me then I will no longer talk to him and see him anymore. Maybe just once every coupe months. He freaked out and the next day we got back together.

Very similar situation but one of the differences I think is that u might not be showing him that uve changed. Being with u probably added a lot of stress to his life. As u said he was already going through some heavy things and I think u might have been a part of that. For now I think u need to give him a lot of space but if u guys ever do talk again (and u still want to get back together with him) I think u need to show him that being around u is a happy experience...not a depressing one. Dont ask about the relationship, dont talk about ur problems, just be friends and hey flirt a little. But no heavy stuff. Show him that ur not (and especially if u ever do get back together dont bitch about his boy time) and that he can relax and enjoy himself around u.

But for now u seriously need to just make urself understand that its over. Who knows what the future might bring so if u guys ever do get friendly again, then dont push or cry or try to emotionally manipulate him. Be confident 🙂

Thanks so much for the advice. I think you are right, as when I was my happy confdent self he was around a lot. I just didn't want to get hurt again. I dont know if I should reach out and just say hey or let him be. But for now I am being scarce and letting him contact me if he wants to. And I don't even want to talk about the relationship anymore. Not only have I started to put some walls up, but to me it's in the past and if we ever got back together it would have to be a new start. I really appreciate everyones input as it's really helping me get perspective. I'm very happy your story turned out good. I do feel like a new person and have grown so much through this experience. It's up to him if he wants to explore that or continue to see me as he did near the end of our relationship. I have learned how much a persons perspective plays a role. It's all what you choose to see and focus on.

I would like to tell you that everything he did to you is everything I did to my ex of 3 years. Youve already heard it a million times on here but really he is not going back to you at all. He feels guilt because he cares for you as a person. Seeing you hurt over him hurts him on many levels. But not enough to go back to you. Aquas like freedom and if you argued over him having a boys night I can tell you that was his last straw. Were loyal people that are social and if you cant let us be who we are with out you there than it wont work.. someone else out there will allow us to do that and I think he saw a glimpse of that and liked it.

Him giving you the cold shoulder was him biting his lip on how annoyed he was. He was pretty much pre warning you on how your really on thin ice. Bottom line he wont come back. My ex cried and I cried because he was so hurt and believed in us so much but I didnt. I knew it was over and was set on that. You let us have to much or freedom and we wont turn back once its ours. We breathe freedom.

He may try to do the on and off friend thing because he does miss you as a friend just not as his girlfriend. Eventually it will be too much for you and eventually he will get tired of your emotions and you thinking its going to work out. Hint: Thats why he got so blunt about you leaving. He doesnt understand why you cant do the friend thing cause he doesnt understand why you dont see why your not meant to be together.

Just let it go. Change your number, find a different desk at work and dont share mutal friends anymore. You have to let him go. Hes convinced himself your not the one and it will take A LOT for you to become what he needs again. So much even than he wont want it back. I know its hard and EVERY sign has gone threw this but its life and I rather you spend time with a man who wants you in his life rather than a man who now just sees you as a friend and breaks your heart. Till this day I wish my ex never took it the way he did but I wouldnt change anything for the world. I wanted to be his friend as well and when I thought it was working he thought we were going to get back together. Ugh never ending so I later decided we cant be friends and havent talked to him since.

I dont mean to be so blunt but he telling you right to your face its over for good so let it go.

Ouch. Ok, that was blunt. 😢
I will try to move on and hopefully come to that same conclusion. Regardless, I think it is unreasonable for any sign to try to remain friends with an ex after breaking up. I ended a 10 year relationship to be with him, and broke my boyfriends heart in the process even though he knew we werent right for each other. And I never tried to maintain a fake friendship with him to ease my guilt. I don't care if your romantic feelings are gone, you can't go straight from lovers to friends. I think I should just avoid aquas if they are all that stubborn and can't communicate their needs through anything other than silent treatments. I can't read minds! And all signs/people have needs. There should be compromise, not any one persons needs taking a backseat for anothers.

what sign are you, Aqualovehoping? Can I see your chart and his chart ? It's weird that you can't be friends after the break-up. I usually like to be friends with my ex's because I only get into a relationship with people who I've a friendship first.

I'm saggitarius. I'm friends with most of my ex's, after a period of time. But I've also always done the dumping and they are the ones in my shoes - hanging on to hope. We were friends first. I just can't deal with him being with another woman when I still love him. And if I were 'friends' with him right now it would be with the intent of winning him back, which from most of my advice here sounds like a lost cause. That's why I'm not sure if no contact or being his friend is the best way to go. Maybe if I'm his friend it will help ween me off him too. Or I will realize we are not the right fit? We get along so well though it just reels me in emotionally. 😢

I will also add he is not friends with any of his other ex's. His longest relationship other than me was 6-12 months and they all sound like they ended abruptly and badly (not sure on whose part because he never wanted to discuss).