True Happiness or Egotistical

Listening to people on the boards, and in real life, I'm having a time understanding this about some people. I hear them say (male and female) things like: he won't call me back, or, she ignored me and stood with her friends, or, why didn't he come when I needed him.

I mean, what does this mean? Are all relationships about what is just important to yourself? What about the other person? Do their needs not matter, as well?

I am beginning to think that some people view a relationship only for themselves, what they need and want. And then cry when it goes sour and expect pity from everyone around. I, me, mine - what about - them, you and even, ours? It seems that people just want their egos to be stroked - they want their wants to be adhered to without taking into consideration that the other person has needs too.

Just rambling here about things. Thinking out loud, I guess. As usual, I post a lot of stuff here, but I think the main reason why I posted this in Aries is because most of the Aries I know feel this way: If I'm not wanted - I'm out. They don't normally sit back and whimper about why he didn't call, or where he is, or why doesn't he want me. Maybe the reason why he doesn't want you is because you're sitting back crying about not getting attention.

Ok, my harshness is coming out again. I try not to do that, but it comes anyway. Sorry, if I offended anyone - I'm just trying to figure out why people don't know who they are and who your partner is. What kind of a relationship is that?

Well, what is a relationship?

In my opinion, the relationships that we create- be it friends.. or lovers, fill the self-indulgent need to connect with others, and avoid being alone. So essentially, if you're not entering relationships for your own personal happiness, then why bother? I don't befriend someone the idea in mind that this person needs my love.. RATHER, I think I would enjoy being loved by this person....

Basically, a relationship (unless it's family), is a ME thing. I'm doing it FOR ME, so there's a problem when I'm in a relationship and I'M unhappy...

So, I think the real issue is: many people go into relationships, putting in what they think is necessary to cultivate this connection-- and then wonder why their feelings aren't being returned.

Dang P-Angel. STD simply repeated what you was talking about.

She thinks everything from her own perspective which is good for some extent. It makes a person "protective". But on the other hand, why a person should love you without anything back? Why bother as well? There should be a ballance which is possible to be constructed only by means of knowledge and experience.

STD, I think that way INITIALLY - you know, when I'm attracted to someone and then when the relationship is new. But, once a bond has been formed (in any form), then doesn't it stand to reason that the continuance of trust and committment comes from both parties serving each other's needs? Haffo says balance and this is true. How can there be balance if the happiness is only taken and not given? Doesn't that set the platform for failure?

I think you both missed my point.

So.. since my intentions weren't clear.. let's go back to the original post:
Are all relationships about what is just important to yourself? What about the other person? Do their needs not matter, as well?

Of course not all relationships are about what's important to "self". A person who truly cares about the other individual- will want to make that other person happy.... BUT the objective is to ALSO be happy. The problem lies when a person feels they are doing what they can to be "the good mate" and this other person that they are connecting to is still disatisfied... This is when people become disatisfied themeselves with the relationship-- when they cannot provide the emotional elements that will yeild a happy relationship on THEIR terms. It becomes an issue of "well, why doesn't he call?", "why won't she tell me what's on her mind?", "why won't she listen to my problems like I listen to hers—"

...Sounds like ME ME ME, but in reality.. Why aren't they returning what I have given—

Does someone else's needs matter?

YUP. However.. does everyone know exactly what they need? want? at all times? Probably not. Makes it hard to give a person what they need or want if even THEY don't know what that is. To compensate, people often look at relationships in terms what they want... for example, I want attention-- so I give my mates lots of attention, thinking they'll treat me the same way. What if this guy perceives a lot of attention as me being flat out clingy? Should I change? Should he change?

Can you see where the lines of yourself and the other person becomes blurred in relationships?

That whole "If I give and he gives" sounds nice, but it's more complicated than that. Balance or the perception of it balance is a cute concept, but in reality a relationship will have more negotiating and compromising than anything.

Ok.. so in short.. how can you look at happiness in terms of someone else?

How can someone else's happiness define if whether or not YOU are happy?

Even if bringing someone else happiness is something that makes you happy--- that's still a definition of happiness in terms of self (i.e.. I made your favorite dinner because seeing you pleased makes ME happy)

My point is- people don't complain when they are in a relationship, and there is an "even" amount of giving and taking-- or rather both parties are happy..... they complain when they think they are giving MORE than what they are getting in return. When the other partner is not satisfied with the level of effort being put forth- and thus, when partner is not satisfied or rather appears insatiable--- then that's when we wonder, well, what for? ... I can't make this person happy, so I'm not happy, therefore why am I doing this?

That makes sense and you're right, from your first post - I didn't get that.

For me, I like serving my lover and as you said, that is for myself, in a way. If he doesn't appreciate it, or if he doesn't acknowledge that I do this for him - then I feel unloved. It's for him, yet, it's for me too. So, I see your point.

Yeah, I re-read what I wrote because I saw yours and haffo's response.. and thought.. wait guys-- that's not what I meant.

I know exactly where you're coming from by serving your lover. I enjoy making a man happy... but sometimes to what end? If I please him, and he's not making any effort in return, I feel used. Thus the relationship becomes more about, "why aren't I happy?"

Quite often, I like to dive into relationships.. and make this person drunk with my love and attention. Not everyone likes that..so the question becomes, do I want to be with this person so badly that I am willing to change- or should I move on and be with someone who I know will make me happy? I've actually tried both approaches, and neither option is easy.

Relationships in themselves are just hard work. There's not easy fix-it solution, and many times it will require a person re-evaluate themselves repeatedly, first asking, "is this really what I want?" Then analyzing, "Can I give this other person what they want?" I say without that initial fullfillment of self needs, then the relationship cannot thrive.

Well I was going to comment on this but I think STD pretty much said the gist of what I was going to say...so I won't beat a dead horse.

Good question & Answers!

Thanks shorty!

Shorty? We have pet names for each other, do we? Ummmmmm.......
what went on down there . . .

I can tell you everything up to the point where I took those shots of tequila.

I'm not a kiss & tell type person...Wait who am I kidding?

What goes on in Atlanta...STAYS in Atlanta

Ha Ha Ha Ha

Seriously though I think she was making fun of all the people down here who say "shawty" after every other word...Thank GOD I'm not born & raised here!

C-lady

Shawty - why do people say that? Like, bra in Hawaii. And mon in Bahamas.

I dunno.. shawty.. is just a term of endearment..

It's lightening like crazy here. Think I can get electrocuted through my computer if it hits the house? 'Course, if it hits the house then I'm dead, anyway.

Hm, I don't think so. Worst case, you fry your computer-- best case-- you merge with you computer and post on dxp by blinking your eyes.

LMAO STD! Shawty you crazy Shawty

Crazy Shawty

I don't know what that means. What if I saw that to the wrong person and I get crucified for a change.

You might like it!!!!

Seriously...it's not based on anything that can be construed as bad unless the context you used it in was bad. For instance if you said...

"Shawty I'm gone kick yo a $ $ Shawty" that's bad
"Whassup shawty!" Thats neutral
"That's my little shawty right thure" That's Good

I feel like I'm giving a vocab lesson....

That's my little Shawty, right there. Ok, I like that. Can I use that?

Do I have to say "thure"

*coughs* LMAO ROFL!!!!!

You'd say..

Dat's my shawty rite dere!!!

Well STD,

It depends on the region in which you are saying it. For instance

ATL: Dat's my shawty rite dere!!!
STL: Dat's my shawty rite thuuuurrrreee!!! Like Nelly, Chingy, & Murphy Lee

"I like it when you do that right thuuurree!

Cancerlady

Dat's my shawty raut dere

I don't think it's pronounced rite, is it? That would be a long i, sounds like it should be pronounced like: au, like the word taught

uh oh.. better dust yo shoulders off shawty, you're getting infected by da durty south!

P-Angel, I think that also depends what part of the south you're in. In houston, it was Riiiite.. long "I"... in G-boro,North Carolina.. "right" does sound like "Raut".. unless you're a debutant.

Dat dere's my shawty, raut dere

LMAO.. PERFECT 🙂

wait.. u talkin to me?

you said that C-Lady was your shawty

I'm Everybody's Shawty...Shawty!

Okay it can be possessive or it can just be a figure of speech. If you say
"Dat dere's my shawty, raut dere" Talking about your husband...it's possessive but I think she meant it as a figure of speech.

It's geneic slang! Peace up, A-Town Down...

What places have you live P-Angel?

Georgia . . . Geeeeeoooooorgia,
West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, Hawaii, Maryland, Delaware, South Carolina

Oooops, and New Jersey

I know you're a Georgia girl, right? I lived in Decatur (good ole De Kalb), Dublin an Columbus

Yech...I HATE Dekalb County! Bastard Police officers...I'll never live there again!

Actually I'm not FROM Georgia...I have only lived in Atlanta for 3 yrs.

I was born in VA, Then lived in Hawaii, Tennessee, Arkansas, Indiana, now the ATL!

I've lived quite a few places. You seem to get around too on the east coast!

CL

Yep, they'll friggin arrest thier own mothers for spitting on the sidewalk!

hey, is there a Dublin in the U.S.—

I thought there was only one Dublin, the capital in Ireland where I LIVE....you learn somemat new every day!!!!

A x

My hubby is from the country, so when we got married, I moved out here.

Shenandoah, Virginia

Yep, Dublin, Georgia, USA

Appalacian Mountains

For some reason, people on here (some people) think I'm not in America. I'm not sure why. But, I am. American, through and through!

Wow.. I was born in TX..

lived in CT, NC, and now NY (UPSTATE NEW YORK BABEEE)
I've visited about 17 out of the 50 states.. and.. Mexico and Canada...

you know.. we ought all get together and go to Puerto Rico!

Puerto Rico? I say, Amsterdam, Holland

Wanton Blount?

pass it over to me . . .

I might get in trouble in Amsterdam..

no wait...

I WILL get in trouble in Amsterdam.

I need at least one person to have my back if I get arrested.

How about Brazil?

NO I also say Amsterdam...I've heard great things about that place

P-Angel...there you go again torturing me...

Cancerlady