Cancer man gets soppy when drinking...

My Cancer partner is a very affectionate person. He was the first to tell me how he feels, the first to really express himself...the first to do most things. He always wants me to express myself to him and it seems no matter how hard I try...he feels like I'm not expressing myself. I constantly feel like I'm pouring my heart out to him only for him to feel what I've said isn't very significant or wasn't very hard.

Even though he's affectionate verbally and emotionally, the only time he pours his heart out to ME is when he's been drinking.

He will tell me all these long-term plans he has for us and basically just become like an emotional woman! He also clings at this time. He doesn't cling (that I've noticed) when he's sober but when he's been drinking it will get to the point that even though he is falling as sleep while we are on the phone together he doesn't want me to let him go. He starts telling me he's scared I'm going to leave him like his last partner and all sorts of things.

I try not to take him seriously at these times because I know he's been drinking. I'll ask him in the morning if he remembers what we talked about. He says he does and I can tell he definitely has remembered most of our conversation. Sometimes he will repeat the things he said while he was drinking but he will down-play them.

So I'm wondering how I should take this. Does he feel more comfortable when he's had a few drinks so he takes the oppertunity to tell me at those moments or is he just being a silly drunk? When I question him about it at another time he tells me he always means what he says but he plays it down so much that I just don't know what to think!

Yeah I guess so...I guess I must just be expecting him to act the way I do when I've been drinking...which is say things I never would when I'm sober because I've lost my inhibitions.

Some of the things he's said he's acted on but mostly it's just him expressing his feelings for me. The times that he tells me what his long-term plans for us are he will end up making them longer the next day...so when he's drinking he basically wants to do it right then and there... But he will also say things like "All I can think about all day is you and even though I don't want to think of you while I'm at work I can't help it." Yet when he's not drinking he will be like "oh I think of you sometimes".

I think I may just be feeling a bit insecure so confusing myself over the differences of what he says when he's sober vs drunk.

His actions seem to kind of follow what he says when he's drunk. For instance he will express how much he misses me and even though his car isn't working at the moment he has borrowed a work mates ute and visited me on Tuesday for a little bit. Then on Wednesday he said he couldn't come over because he had no money for gas...yet he spent the last of his money to visit me anyway... and then he came over again last night and stayed even though he said he had heaps of things to do at home. And when he's with me he will make me hold hands with him and cuddle with him. He will kiss me a lot and even kiss my forehead, the top of my head, and sniff my hair lol.

So maybe I'm just making things more complicated than I need to and you are right, alcohol is just loosening him up enough to pour his heart out to me and really cling to me.

"But he will also say things like "All I can think about all day is you and even though I don't want to think of you while I'm at work I can't help it." Yet when he's not drinking he will be like "oh I think of you sometimes".

^^Mine is definitely like this. I think it is for a few of reasons. For one, he's not as expressive verbally when sober. He has a hard time being flowery with his words. When he's sober, it's all about what he's not saying aka "his actions". Secondly, I think it's his way of keeping some kind of power or control. When he's sober he keeps his vulnerabilities hidden and in check. I think it makes him uncomfortable. Third, like a tangent off the second reason, he's being playful about it in a teasing way. This is why I think mine does it anyway. I've already tried asking but can't get a straight answer because he's unaware of it.

I had a similar incident with my cancer man recently. When he drinks he does become more affectionate. But he does this thing where he tests me and asks me to go off with other people i may have been talking to during the evening. He wants me to say I want to hang out with him as opposed to other people. We have not declared our feelings for each other but have been dating for a while. He pushed me to a point where he had me cornered (verbally guys), where he wanted me to declare my feelings for him. I realized what was happening and did not bite the bait. Earlier in the evening he spoke about a cute girl at the pub and I encouraged him to pursue her at least chat with her. this got him all mad and things ended with us arguing. Why so many games? But this behavior does recur after drinks.

Posted by TypicalScorpio
Yeah I guess so...I guess I must just be expecting him to act the way I do when I've been drinking...which is say things I never would when I'm sober because I've lost my inhibitions.

Some of the things he's said he's acted on but mostly it's just him expressing his feelings for me. The times that he tells me what his long-term plans for us are he will end up making them longer the next day...so when he's drinking he basically wants to do it right then and there... But he will also say things like "All I can think about all day is you and even though I don't want to think of you while I'm at work I can't help it." Yet when he's not drinking he will be like "oh I think of you sometimes".

I think I may just be feeling a bit insecure so confusing myself over the differences of what he says when he's sober vs drunk.

His actions seem to kind of follow what he says when he's drunk. For instance he will express how much he misses me and even though his car isn't working at the moment he has borrowed a work mates ute and visited me on Tuesday for a little bit. Then on Wednesday he said he couldn't come over because he had no money for gas...yet he spent the last of his money to visit me anyway... and then he came over again last night and stayed even though he said he had heaps of things to do at home. And when he's with me he will make me hold hands with him and cuddle with him. He will kiss me a lot and even kiss my forehead, the top of my head, and sniff my hair lol.

So maybe I'm just making things more complicated than I need to and you are right, alcohol is just loosening him up enough to pour his heart out to me and really cling to me.

He's letting you know with his actions, how much he cares for you. ie. "I have all this work to do"... (yet here I am with you)

so sweet I'm almost tearing up 🙂 He's young and letting it all hang out/yet being guarded. Please, please, don't break his heart... or he'll end up like the ones all these ladies bitch about. (no offense, ladies! 😉)

I wish I could love a man this hard, this kind of loving comes so naturally. Most Cancers can't because it gets taken for granted, misunderstood as weakness, or viewed as clingy and smothering. I can't even imagine what these guys must go through.

I met a Cancer guy on vacation and he charged me like a steam engine. He saw something he liked and would not let up. What got me the most was the sincerity behind his words. He meant everything he was saying, getting so caught up in it all... at least at the time. This was my first run in with a Cancer male and I can definitely see how they can make a girl's head spin.

It's after a Cancer's heart has been kicked around a few times and their ideals of love shattered that they become these closed shells. It's sad... because once it happens I don't think there is ever any going back.

Am I wrong? sorry for derailing your topic...

That's disgusting.

Posted by mr.crabby
That's disgusting.

liar, liar... oh no, your pants!

Ninjamu - That sounds exactly like this Cancer. I thought it might be because he has gemini in venus and mercury but he also down-plays it in a teasing way. He likes to play mental games and when he's sober he talks of his feelings in a kind of puzzle or riddle form and sometimes he just straight out says I have to guess...and even then I can't get a straight answer. It's kind of like when he's drunk or even just tipsy he can't think clearly enough to play his game so he just blurts it all out 😛

I'm not complaining about his moments of confessions and emotional out pours...I just don't want to be a fool and find out he was just saying it for the sake of...saying it.

zj2000 - The Cancer I'm with has never tested me like that but my last boyfriend who was also a Cancer did. It was always a blow to my confidence so I would tell him if he felt that way we could have a kind of open relationship (most of the time we were long distance so that was my reasoning for that). He would insist he didn't want that. But later I found he had 3 other girlfriends. He was always getting caught in white lies though so I am in no way suggesting you worry about yours...but don't let any man, no matter their sign, do that to you. I know how horrible it feels, maybe you should tell him it hurts your feelings?

Wineaux - I see what you're saying, and I agree with the bit you've qouted from ninjamu, I guess I just don't see him as shy when he's not sober. Maybe that's also part of him keeping his vulnerabilities in check.

PurrHiss - That makes a lot of sense, I can definitely see him thinking in the same way.

Posted by shellshocker


He's letting you know with his actions, how much he cares for you. ie. "I have all this work to do"... (yet here I am with you)

so sweet I'm almost tearing up 🙂 He's young and letting it all hang out/yet being guarded. Please, please, don't break his heart... or he'll end up like the ones all these ladies bitch about. (no offense, ladies! 😉)

That's what I am worried about though. Someone broke his heart into tiny little pieces before me and I'm worried he is already like the ones a lot of ladies have problems with.

I don't mind you delrailing my topic because I kind of wanted to move on to this...in a way.

See..I've already spoken to Wineaux about this as well as one other but I will repeat some of it here...you seem like you would have good advice like the other two people I spoke to about it.

We went to school together when I was 9 and he was 10. We went out for a week back then and then I broke up with him for the class bully lol. I left at the end of the year because my family moved 3 hours away and never saw him again for 12 years. He found me on facebook and confessed that those feelings he had back then have never gone. Even with his partner before me he still remembered me and those feelings would resurface...which I understand because my moon is in Cancer so I hold on to the past aswell and I also had a friend I felt that way about from that long ago.

So just from that I believe he cares very deeply about me. He said he feels like he must be in love with me to have held those feelings for so long and yet we still click the way we did back then. I also use a wheelchair and I know that there are only two types of men who can handle that...the most loving, unjudgemental, and sensitive of men..or the most heartless with bad intentions.

With everything beautiful and wonderful about him..there's also things that spark my insecurities and I don't know how to take them...because if I take them wrong then I MAY break his heart if only by just leaving him..which I absolutely don't want to do.

For instance he used to call me everyday and text ALLLLLL day. At first I was annoyed at it but then I quickly began to appreciate it. Suddenly he wasn't ringing anymore and only texting if I texted first. After two weeks I decided to pull back and he did come on strong again. Ringing multi times in the day and non-stop texting.

But now...after those three days I wrote about...he has gone back to not ringing and instead of just waiting for me to text him first he's actually ignoring my texts.

These actions make me think that what he says when he's drunk are just empty words.

When I'm with him or even when we can't be together but he's back to 'normal' and feeling good...I feel like the most loved and luckiest person in the world...but when it switches like this I feel like it was just an illusion.

So while he's a lot like the Cancer you met on vacation, which I absolutely adore, he's also the opposite and I don't know what to think or how to handle it.

I don't want to believe his drunken conversations and his nice, loving actions when he's in his good play and ignore the less loving side because then I will miss a lot of red flags....but at the same time I don't want to focus on the less loving side and end up taking his loving side for granted.

Another thing that makes me feel insecure is that he wants our relationship to be kept just between us. No one else knows about it because he feels his Mother and Sister are too judgemental and he doesn't want his ex to find out about me because they are going through a custody thing. He says he will tell people when he knows where we're going...but he's the one planning where we are going so surely that must mean he knows...

He's the most awesome guy I've met but he's also the most confusing. My heart feels like it's on a rollercoaster.

hmmm.. ask yourself this... WHY do you want him to do those little things? I'm just writing without editing... straight up, no filter. Texting all the time, calls everyday. WHO can be on 24/7?!!! Those things are tokens of affection to boast and appease the ego. Speaking for myself, I can love with all my heart and not have to text or call to reconfirm that. When a Cancer is with you, you know they love you. Those actions are the proof. It is on our terms, you know. Take it or leave it.

A cancer can't constantly be responsible for how you feel. If you feel insecure, I'm sorry but you are going to have to handle that. I think a Crab will be there to help you along, but it's not cool to make a Crab responsible for your insecurity. This goes visa versa too, I personally had to learn to not depend on others to dictate my emotional state.

Cancers are also full of contradictions, so you'll often get extremes. When I want to be with someone, I want that sooooooo much. On the other hand when I want to be alone... I want that sooooooo much too, so if you disturb either of those extremes, you're going to see some ugly behavior. example... blowing up your phone when you ignore me. The extreme opposite... ignoring you until I want to talk to you. bipolar.

As far as not telling anyone about you... could be a few reasons. The first that comes to mind is you are special and he doesn't want other people's fucked up opinions and emotions regarding it to mess with that. Public knowledge will just bring drama and it is probably so sweet the way it is. And private! oh lord do Cancers like their private secrets! Makes things hot.

Of course, it could also be the polar opposite... That's just the thing... but isn't it kinda exciting!!!

You seem lovely.

don't worry...

You know what...your reason behind keeping our relationship private is almost word for word his; as well as the comments about his family and ex which I've told him I understand. So you coming up with the same idea about everything else makes it more easier to understand because now I realise even though I may not think that way...that others DO think like that.

I understand that I can't hold him accountable for the way my emotions are. I also understand that I can't depend on anyone aside for myself to make me feel a certain way and that is definitely something I've been working on lately.

I did not understand, however, the need for space until I read 'Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus' 😛 That's what gave me the strength to back off the last time this happened. I guess I've let him take control of the pace of our communication, wether it be in person or through calls and texts at the times we cannot be together, and so I overreact when he puts the breaks on.

I know that texting and calling all the time is over the top but because it was coming from him I guess I end up expecting it instead of cherishing those moments.

If I ask myself why I want him to do those little things for me I would have to admit it's for reassurance of his feelings for me. And I guess theres only so much you can put into someone emotionally before you have to pull back and collect yourself again.

Thank you for telling it how you see it. I really appreciate that! It also makes me see how silly I can be 😛 I'm glad you and the two other ladies I spoke to about this are able to be so straight up with me and not sugar-coat things.

It's extremely exciting! And you seem like a lovely person yourself. Thank you so much for the advice 😄

So...even though he may ignore me until he is ready to talk to me again...how long is too long for this to go on for? That's the one thing I don't understand when reading about the cancer push/pull thing.

There must be a point where ignoring becomes the ACTION and outweighs the positives...

Woah! Four months?? I don't think I could handle that long, I'm not strong enough. I was thinking more along the lines of up to a week if everything seemed to be going well before hand...maybe two if we had a disagreement. I will keep that in mind though.

He text me this morning saying his phone had died but he's still pretty distant. I haven't chased him this time. I left him alone Saturday night and the whole of Sunday and he text me on his own thismorning...Now it's the afternoon on Monday. The distance doesn't so much worry me as the cold shoulder does.

I was just worried because he started speaking of this girl that works next to his workshop. So him mentioning her all of a sudden then suddenly ignoring me gave me a fright. Hopefully it's just all his Gemini in his charts and he's just fasinated by her. I don't believe he would physically cheat on be but yeah...

I guess I'll just take this time to examine why I feel these ways 😛

Thanks again for your advice, wineaux, you always make very good points 😄