Cancers please help!

Ok, me and my long term Cancer boyfriend broke up at the end of January. Long story short we had problems in communication and tension and I fell for another man though he my Cancer didn't know that. We broke up (though not officially)- I just packed my stuff and moved out of his appartement.
I'm not gonna lie - I miss my cancer ex since day 1. Main reason I started new relationship was to forget him, sadly unsuccessful. One month later I broke it off with the new guy cause I missed my cancer ex terribly.
I tried calling him but he hung up on me. Recently I learned I was about to have an operation and neeeded my old medical examinations which I've left at his place and therefore texted him. He replied 4 days after and we had a phone conversation where he sounded cold as the Antarctic as we were completed strangers but promise he would bring back the papers to my house.

The next day I've waited him all morning and I became so tense and nervous I could sit at one place so I decided I should go buy some cigarrettes. Just as I was leaving the building it started raining and I saw his car pulling over. I approached it and expected he just hangs me the papers and disappear.
I probably looked very miserable in the rain because he invited me to come in and seemed somehow sad. He asked me a lot of things about the operation, what were the conseq. etc. and seemed very concerned. When I asked if he would like to have some coffee he diclined because his guy friend waited for him to do some work (which I intend to believe as I know him) and said maybe some other time. Finally he asked me if I had someone to take me to and back from the hospital and when I said no he told me to call him. We haven't had any contact ever since. Moreover he hasn't logged on Skype, as previously (maybe just my imagination) he would stay "online" when I was online, when I was invisible he would go invisible also for weeks. Also when I walked out of his car he "looked" at me, (I don't know if I'm right) - since the breakup I've lost a few pounds which is obvious.

Anyway my question for you is - what is the right way for you Cancers for someone to express their apology without sounding flaky and which is the right way to express their feelings for you, in order not to hurt or offend you? What would be the thing to make you reconsider getting back with your ex? I know I messed up and any apology would sound stupid, but I love my Cancer and I want him in my life for the long run..

Leave him alone.

sdaemon,

Sorry to hear that. Forgiving is not one of their virtue. They are extremely stingy in expressing their feelings unless they want your good opinions.

Unless he still loves you, he is done.

I hope everything goes well with your surgery.

I agree with Kim30. If you truly love him leave him be. You sound very selfish and self-centered. If you truly love him stop being selfish and let him live his life. Let him get a chance to be happy whether it with or without you. This isn't all about you and your needs. Just let him be. If you can't you are TOO selfish and do not deserve his love.

Hi 5 Xtina
Was so disgusted for the guy, I could only find those three words.

Forgiving is very much one of our virtues. Forgiving the wrong people is a constant battle.
To save him from that problem with you, leave him be.

CluelessCancer,

Sag sun, Cancer moon, Scorpio venus.

I was considering to write him a letter and pour my soul in it, but I guess it would be a terrible idea... Maybe it's better to just call him about the surgery and being nice and do not give him a clue about my true feelings?

You can apologize, but your mention of him being Antarctic cold is a pretty good sign he is probably not interested in rekindling anything. Just up and moving out wasn't the best move.
You admit falling for another guy he didn't know about, and then getting into another relationship (not sure if it's the same guy).
For the sake of argument, say for some reason you do get back together and that stuff comes out. I can pretty much guarantee he will be the one breaking things off, and if you thought he was cold this time, you ain't seen nothing if my hypothetical comes to pass.

Asking about your surgery shouldn't get read into too much. He's being polite.

You say you miss him, but given the other things you mention, can you honestly say you want to be in a relationship with the Cancer guy?

sdaemon,

You are a Sag? Then it is over girl. Cancer + Sag = Hell.

Posted by AnyaRosa
sdaemon,

You are a Sag? Then it is over girl. Cancer + Sag = Hell.

I wouldn't strictly go by that formula.
Given the context of the OP though, in this car I would have to agree.

CancerOnTheCusp,

I do want to be in a relationship with him, he's my big and only love. As I said before we had a very rough period constantly arguing, because I didn't feel he loved me enough (and vice versa) and it came to a point I couldn't take it any more. Hence, the other man, and though I did not cheat my cancer ex. I dated the other guy briefly after the break up.

I know cancer and sag are meant to me incompatible, yet we're very much alike somehow and I can't help but love the man. Another thing- we've separated 2 times in 5 years, each time mutual fault and him claiming he didn't want a relationship yet each time 5 to 6 months later we got back. It's my biggest fear he could ONLY be polite... Guys, do not get me wrong I appreciate all the opinions, I just feel this time I lost him for good. And I can't afford it - he was like family to me. All those months I held it all in and want to tell him all even if he says he hates me after this.

Reincarnation, no, we don't, we've generally planned to get married sometime in the future.

J9, yes

No, I never dated anyone else while we were separated. The new guy just appared at the time I felt miserable and I mostly used him to soothe my feelings for the cancer, as ugly as it sounds.

Posted by sdaemon
No, I never dated anyone else while we were separated. The new guy just appared at the time I felt miserable and I mostly used him to soothe my feelings for the cancer, as ugly as it sounds.

Yet according to the timing you gave earlier, it seemed like you fell for this guy while still with Cancer.
Not to sound harsh, but this wasn't really a story about discovering the "grass wasn't greener" and now you have regrets?

I have to agree with others here-leave the guy alone.

CancerOnTheCusp, I'm sorry it was my mistake writing the whole thing. I moved out of the appartement, was hurt and met another guy days after the "break up", started relationship and fell for him at first but it was a rebound not a love relationship. If only it was the "grass was greener". I've had many guys wanting me, pursuing me- I still have a lot of "opportunities" all over. Many guys have told me I was "obsessive" in a way, they couldn't resist me. I've never wanted any of them, though.
Never did anything with anyone since I met my cancer 5 years ago. Except this guy I slipped...

I guess what you're all telling me is there was absolutely no hope in trying to do anything further with my cancer even though my heart is tearing apart? Yes, I know I've made a huge mistake. But don't you agree anyone at some point in their life has been lost and didn't always do the right thing?

J9, me 26, him 36

@J9 She didn't fall for anybody including the cancer she wants back. She looks to men to fulfill her emotional needs and puts them through hell when they don't do it right.

Consider what a woman wants to do when she loves a man then go over her posts. She makes no mention of anything a woman in love would.

This all about her. She's so self absorbed she can't even distinguish when a man feels obligated to be courteous. Somehow it all gets twisted into "does he love me?"

The dramatic exit? After all the constant fighting about him not loving her enough? Yeah, that was about getting him to chase her.

And the guy she fucked afterwards? Probably saw her as an easy target.

Yeah if you picked another guy to be with, well obviously the Cancer don't mean that much to you. Plus you two broke up. You'll have to show actions instead of words to get a Cancer to come back. So all you can do is be kind and show you mean well. If he cares, he may come back. But idk, considering what happened in you guys relationship. If it's ment to be, you two will be together. So I suggest focusing on yourself & follow what your heart tells you.

kim30,

I don't feel you're right and I'll explain why. During our second breakup, I had to move back to my home town with my parents because I had to leave my job and didn't have enough money to afford an appartement. Even though I wanted to be with the man, I somehow managed to get a new job, find another appartement and travelled 300 km just to be at the same town with my cancer, just to be near him.

The main reason we strarted arguing which lead to this major breakup and me leaving was ME talking about living together and making plans of how to make it happen and him not taking it seriously enough and not thinking about our future, because he already did have a home, though not ALL his. I know cancers are moody but all this behaviour made me so bitter I couldn't take it anymore. Keep in mind we were together for 5 years and back in time he would constantly talk about marriage and kids.

Posted by sdaemon
CancerOnTheCusp, I'm sorry it was my mistake writing the whole thing. I moved out of the appartement, was hurt and met another guy days after the "break up", started relationship and fell for him at first but it was a rebound not a love relationship. If only it was the "grass was greener". I've had many guys wanting me, pursuing me- I still have a lot of "opportunities" all over. Many guys have told me I was "obsessive" in a way, they couldn't resist me. I've never wanted any of them, though.
Never did anything with anyone since I met my cancer 5 years ago. Except this guy I slipped...

I guess what you're all telling me is there was absolutely no hope in trying to do anything further with my cancer even though my heart is tearing apart? Yes, I know I've made a huge mistake. But don't you agree anyone at some point in their life has been lost and didn't always do the right thing?

Ok. Got it.
We all make mistakes in life. Not passing judgement here.

Hate to say it, but I think things are done with Cancer dude.
I could be wrong, of course.
But don't go compounding your mistake.
That includes pouring out things that you didn't say while you two were together to him now.
Its too late for that.

Chalk it up as a life lesson and move on.

Posted by J9

Posted by kim30
She looks to men to fulfill her emotional needs and puts them through hell when they don't do it right.

That's every woman, though.

Posted by kim30
Consider what a woman wants to do when she loves a man then go over her posts. She makes no mention of anything a woman in love would.

She said they have been together for 5 years. She must've done something right.

Posted by kim30
And the guy she fucked afterwards? Probably saw her as an easy target.

I concur.

click to expand

yes every woman does this but not SOLELY. What she did right is the same thing she did that is wrong. The same thing she is trying to do NOW!
Take a man with real feelings and play emotional games like this one is and he probably will fight for it
I watch girls do it all the time.

OK. And none of that changes your previous posts to this thread.

You want this because he is like family to you. Not because you want to be like family to him.

From the looks of it she's damn good at it. Must be her moon sign.

kim 30,
I want both. I just do not know which way is the right way. I guess I don't know how to show it. That's why I don't know if a letter is a right way or it would only make things worse as he would not give a rats ass about my apology and feelings.

Or should I keep my mouth shut, not showing him at all that I love and care for him, keep no contact and just wait till it's time for the hospital and plain text him when it is sceduled and leave it this way. As like, if he truly cares time will show if he would forgive me, considering anything else on my part is unwanted and a big "no no"? Do you think it's best me not saying a word and maybe leave my actions speak I care ?

aquavita,

Posted by aquavita
i bet i m sure she feels dirty inside as hell she slept with another gyu

sadly could not have said it any better.

She's so damn selfish there's no way this is anything other than an emotion junkie plotting on her ex because she doesn't have enough love or respect for this man to move on.
Hate to bring up her age but she probably doesn't know how to move on. 5 years takes her back to 21. This isn't love story. Toxic relationships can last a lifetime.

Everything aside, you just might be woman of the year. I haven't looked at your profile and don't recall any of your other posts.
I'm only going on what you have written here and am taking your words for what they mean.
Nothing about what you have said gives me the impression you love him, only that you find comfort in him. That is not fair.

Why are you saying dumb? Don't even joke like that, Aqua

Many girls will dedicate themselves to a man at a young age. Most of my girlfriends did. Some because they thought they couldn't do better, some had no place to go, some because all they wanted was a provider. Some stayed because by time they hated one another, the girls were too sloppy and/or lazy to find someone else

aquavita, I see your point. I cannot speak for myself, but it seems to me you have a very good and generous soul.

kim30,

I'm sorry but I cannot change your opinion. The sad part for me is maybe my cancer also feels I'm egoistic enough and only find comfort and not love in him.

That's why I'm having this dark, eerie, and haunting feeling that pervades my thoughts everytime I think about our meeting and what could I possibly say or do. There is where comes my confusion. It's like I have to battle this ghost of "unfairness" which I've left in him, and my true feelings lay behind a thick wall without the mere possibility of him ever seeing through. I guess what will be, will be and the single thing I can do is hope. 😢

Maybe it isn't my mind that needs to change. Maybe we are meeting here not because I'm right or you're right. Have you read the Prophet?

Check your inbox, sdaemon. It'll work itself out.

Start with forgiving yourself, how is he going to forgive you?

Work on your issues first. Deal with the issues that made you take up with another man.
He's right to distance himself from you and you owe him the right to work on the grieving process.

Sdaemon are you OK?

Hey guys, just a brief update from today. I followed your advice didn't write anything and didn't contact him and suddenly this afternoon he calls out of the blue asking what was going on. It surpised me cause I didn't expect at all he calls me on HIS terms.
Anyway he was more concerned about the surgery then before and also he told me to ask the doctors (cause the surgery is free of charge but there is an option for a paid procedure, if you choose who u would like specifically to be your surgeon)for the best crew, and to let him know so he could "find money".
Moreover, one hour later he called a second time today, telling me he has spoken with his friend's wife, which had similar surgery and told me a couple more times I SHOULD choose my medical crew, because "anything could happen to me".

Again, though he told me this things, he made his voice on the phone sounding harsh again on purpose, as if "Just because I'm concerned about you, doesn't mean I want you and forgave you". Confusing as hell.

Just be patient.......

Posted by sdaemon
Hey guys, just a brief update from today. I followed your advice didn't write anything and didn't contact him and suddenly this afternoon he calls out of the blue asking what was going on. It surpised me cause I didn't expect at all he calls me on HIS terms.
Anyway he was more concerned about the surgery then before and also he told me to ask the doctors (cause the surgery is free of charge but there is an option for a paid procedure, if you choose who u would like specifically to be your surgeon)for the best crew, and to let him know so he could "find money".
Moreover, one hour later he called a second time today, telling me he has spoken with his friend's wife, which had similar surgery and told me a couple more times I SHOULD choose my medical crew, because "anything could happen to me".

Again, though he told me this things, he made his voice on the phone sounding harsh again on purpose, as if "Just because I'm concerned about you, doesn't mean I want you and forgave you". Confusing as hell.

harsh like me? Hehehe! 🙂

Posted by kim30

Posted by sdaemon
Hey guys, just a brief update from today. I followed your advice didn't write anything and didn't contact him and suddenly this afternoon he calls out of the blue asking what was going on. It surpised me cause I didn't expect at all he calls me on HIS terms.
Anyway he was more concerned about the surgery then before and also he told me to ask the doctors (cause the surgery is free of charge but there is an option for a paid procedure, if you choose who u would like specifically to be your surgeon)for the best crew, and to let him know so he could "find money".
Moreover, one hour later he called a second time today, telling me he has spoken with his friend's wife, which had similar surgery and told me a couple more times I SHOULD choose my medical crew, because "anything could happen to me".
Again, though he told me this things, he made his voice on the phone sounding harsh again on purpose, as if "Just because I'm concerned about you, doesn't mean I want you and forgave you". Confusing as hell.

harsh like me? Hehehe! 🙂

click to expand

Your posts made me wanna go to the North pole just to defrost. 😄 So yeah, it must be a cancer thing :

LoL @ you two

Only a personal observation after many Sags in my life. Sags, both men and women - most of them are my friends, my sister and bosses, I'm addicted to Sags. They have high energy, adventurous and the most beautifully-honest people I've ever met. It is an honor for me to be their friend. I'm a Virgo.

But, one thing they can't get down is commitment. They have tendency to explore other possibilities even when they are in commitment. Also, they tend to hang up on the one guy that got away.

Conclusion: you are still young. don't beat yourself up for getting together with another guy after a break up. It is a natural thing to do if you are Sags.

Hurting a cancer is the ultimate mistake. They are like elephants, they'll never forget. Ever. Right CC? 😉

I feel you, aquavita 😄

CC,

That is interesting. Like you said, most of them do up their shells for a foreseeable future. Oh and they do hold grudges (I do too). I heard lots of revenge stories from my Cancerian friends. Most of them that I know for years have always been like a Teflon, hurt or pain don't stick. It's admirable cause I wish I can be like that. Although things don't stick, they never forget moments, stories, etc. But I haven't yet met a Cancer who would blame themselves if they were hurt purposely by another person.

CluelessCancer,

I have a question. Do cancers ever realise that even though the other person did something to hurt them it was unintentionally? And when do the barriers go down? I mean what makes you not just "forgive" in means of compromise but truly forgive an old wound?
It's like - for me for instance I have a cancer moon and I can pretty much relate to all the moodiness and unforgiving nature.
But I happen to forgive only if the person who hurt me suffered long enough after it, as I see it like some kind of justice and "purification". Like it's all in place and they know the feeling, before I can relate to them again on the same level as before. And sometimes even that's not enough.
In general, what makes you reconsider the "label" you've put on someone and then again what will "seal" it let's say if you haven't related to the other person for long and you reach out after some time just to check them out?

What's his Venus sign? That matters.

Oh god, the never ending memory, the grudge holding and the ice storm....YEP! 😄

The memory serves us well because you fuck up once and if we think it was a mistake and not malicious we'll cut you some slack, we'll let you back in, we'll patch things up. BUT....after that we will forever remember and if the behavior persists repeatedly then that's it...done...you're gone. We will grieve the loss to ourselves and then when done with the loss we will despise you, hate you and never let you back in. Eventually we'll even let go of the hate, but you'll still never get back in. When we finish something we do it permanently and we did a lot of agonizing in silence to finally make the decision to finish it.

Duh, it seems nothing will happen whatsoever. 😢
Today we spoke on the phone several times and he was like "Do this and this and hope you'll be alright", without mentioning he would visit me or something. He still sounds reserved on the phone and nothing like before when we were together. I guess I misinterpreted things and he doesn't have any feelings, it was just a polite concern. Thanks guys anyways for the insight.

Posted by MoonArtist
Oh god, the never ending memory, the grudge holding and the ice storm....YEP! 😄

The memory serves us well because you fuck up once and if we think it was a mistake and not malicious we'll cut you some slack, we'll let you back in, we'll patch things up. BUT....after that we will forever remember and if the behavior persists repeatedly then that's it...done...you're gone. We will grieve the loss to ourselves and then when done with the loss we will despise you, hate you and never let you back in. Eventually we'll even let go of the hate, but you'll still never get back in. When we finish something we do it permanently and we did a lot of agonizing in silence to finally make the decision to finish it.

^^^That, except for the grudge/hate thing for me.
On the other hand, there are a select few in my past that I wouldn't bother to pee on even if they were on fire.

The mafia saying "you are dead to me" comes to mind.