Confused by cancer

I am an aquarius and I have been dating my cancer man for 3 years now. We have had our share of ups and downs as of course the aquarian/cancer relationship is something that takes effort.

I am hoping for some insight on his behavior as I am not always able to tune into the sublties of his changing moods and this often leaves me feeling like I just dont get it.

Sometimes for no reason that I can guess he will become very mean out of no where and say awful things to me that are so hurtful and then the next day he acts like evrything is fine and dosent want to discuss what happened. When I press for more info on why he flipped out like that it results in more mean treatment. Is this a cancer trait? Why treat the woman you love like crap and then buy her a present like that will make it fine?

Now here is the one that I can't get out of my head. One night we are lying in bed and talking about the day and such. I tried to talk to him about a personal problem (a fight with my cousin) I was having and needed advice and support on when he tuned out and started ignoring me. I of course got mad and hurt and said I just need a friend right now. Without blinking an eye he said " I dont want to be your friend, I dont need friends" I was stunned and the silence that fell over us after he said that has hung in the air since then. There is an uncomfotable tension I feel from him like he dosent care for my company or something. I cant stand you but dont go away either...

I tried to break up with him and I even tried to get him to leave me by suggesting he might be happier if he did. He said no I love you, I want you and I dont want to break up. I am so damn confused by my cancer man who seems to love and hate me at the same time. He can be so cruel and then comes home with a bunch of flowers... what the hell?

if it suits you, try giving him a more emotional reaction when he acts dumb, if you're already very emotional, try less emotion.

sumpin dont add up...yes we get mad especially if a situation hurts up. we clam up(no sea animal puns intended). The only way we bite back at u is if you done sumpin to hurt us. If you constantly try to find out whats wrong it gets worst at times but give us some space.Let us cool down just like everyone else and then he will talk to you. Not evryone has the answer ..some say dump him .It is not easy as that especially if you endured so much and grow on each other. I try to see two sides of the story the one that is hurting and the one that does the hruting but does not see it. Now if u ignore him and he comes around, fine. But if u ignore and he constantly abuses u shouting etc is better to leave,and believe me he will try every trick in da book to get you back.

Counselling? Save some money and switch to GEICOOOOOOOO, u save 20 percent or less on car insurance.lol

And that behaviour he is showing is passive agressive behaviour.

"his behavior as I am not always able to tune into the sublties of his changing moods and this often leaves me feeling like I just dont get it"

aqua24 .. this is a difficult situation that isn't unusual with Water and Air. If you read through many of these posts, you'll find that water people (mainly Cancers) often depend on their partners to pick up on the unspoken .. they want their partners to be able to respond to how the "feel" without them telling you. I'm not saying that you're wrong for not being able to, nor, him for not being as verbal as you would like .. simply, that this is a matter of just being very different in how these two communicate.

It's not uncommon for a Cancer to say, "No, I'm fine, nothing is wrong", when in fact, there is something wrong. They EXPECT their partners to be able to FEEL them and respond accordingly.

I don't know that I say that he's being abusive to you, or if he is, it doesn't sound like it's on purpose for the sake of being mean to you. What sounds more likely is that you two are trying to communicate on completely different levels.

From what I interpret from reading through this post .. it appears to me that when he's in a "mood" that he wants you to feel it and comprehend .. you can't because you're more mentally based, rather than emotionally ... he gets ugly because you aren't responding to him.

When you get upset and need to "voice" issues mentally .. he turns away and doesn't assist/support you.

It's a viscious circle of just not understanding that each other are driven differently in how they relate.

I can tell you .... if a Cancer feels like their emotions aren't being taken care of by their partners, then they WILL become disgruntled, which causes them to retaliate by not being supportive of yours. And I don't think this is to be mean on purpose ... it's just that they feel like they are being neglected.

The only reason I say all this is because of that first quote I pasted on my first response .. you said that you don't pick-up on his moods, which is a clear sign to me that this isn't a case of him being trying to be an asshole to you, rather, he feels like you don't understand him.

I'm not a Cancer, so I can't assist in telling you how to cope, or what kind of methods to try and relate better .. but, it truly doesn't sound to me like he's being abusive to you intentially .. I think he just feels misunderstand and neglected emotionally when he's trying to express without "speaking" and you aren't "reading" what he cannot verbalize.

Hope that helped you to understand him better .. Merry Christmas 🙂

I can tell you I've been in a similar situation... I couldn't deal with it... It was emotionally draining and unhealthy for me... Myself being a cancer and then this person was a cancer... He was very evil to me at times... It's hard because you love this person and then they all of a sudden flip on you...

My theory after 2 years of dealing with this person and also having a child by them...

It has nothing to do with being a cancer... Part of it might but, it goes back to roots, childhood, and how you are raised... Cancers are a bottle of emotion and they are very sensitive... If their childhood was not so good it can be very reflective in their adult life and how they treat other people...

The cancer guy that I loved so very much seemed like a dream come true but, he eventually changed. Everything he told me he would never do to me he did. Long story short he was just a fake. He started with the emotional abuse then that led to physical but, I never let that continue. I have a child with the man and yet he can tell me that he feels no bond with her because he didn't ask to have her. He never asked to have any of his kids and mine gets the short end of the stick. He got someone else pregnant when we lived together and takes care of that child. He just constantly runs around with multiple woman.

How he was raised...

His father was a dope addict... In and out of rehab all his life and is now an alcaholic... His father also had two other children outside of his marriage and one was with his wife's own sister. His father and mother are still married and yet his father still continues to have other woman on the side... He always talks about how his mother left him alone all the time when he was a little boy... I'm sure she was tying to deal with everything his pops was puttin her through... But he has a lot of resent towards his mom...

Hmmm... wonder why he acts the way he does...

In one breath he could tell me he loves me and I'm the woman of his dreams and the next it's your not the one for me and I'm this and that and run down a million things wrong with me...

I left that situation... UNHEALTHY!!!!

My point - abuse does not come from being a cancer man!!

aquariusch24 - I am not a Cancer man, but I am a Cancer female who was in love with and dated an Aqua male for several years. We too had communication problems. I know that when I would say things to him maybe in a monotone or sarcastic tone, I would later find out that his feelings were hurt, although he never showed me in a way that I understood that I had done so at the time. It takes a lot of patience and persistence for an Aqua/Cancer relationship to work. I think that both people need to step back and realize that their needs can be met; however, each has to be willing to express them in a way that the other understands. If both people are willing to open the lines of communication and understanding the relationship can be rewarding.

"I of course got mad and hurt and said I just need a friend right now. Without blinking an eye he said " I dont want to be your friend, I dont need friends"

My ex-Aqua has said this to me too. He'd say things like "first and foremost we are friends." I know that Aqua's value friendship, but when you are in a relationship with a Cancer the last thing we want to be is your friend. We want the relationship to have an element of friendship to it but we want to be more than that.

We want to be recognized and acknowledged as your partner/lover. Maybe he feels as though he is not special to you because you interact with him as you do with all of your friends. We do have a tendency to be sensitive. I highly doubt that his is abusing you verbally. I think that because you are used to him being so loving and kind to you, that when he has a melt down it comes as a shock to you, especially since you can't understand his moods.

My ex-Aqua would always talk about everything that was going on in his life/day and at times I felt like I was just a listener. It made me feel as though the problems/things that I had going on did not exist because he was too busy out in the world dealing with everyone's problems and when there was time for us, he talked about him and his issues.

Cancers are nurturers most times, but when they feel neglected they can withhold that from their loved ones. They are not being mean or manipulative most times when they do this. It just sometimes becomes overwhelming dealing with our own emotions and then taking on the emotions of those we love too. We are very protective of those we hold dear, and I when we hear that someone is going through something we sometimes take on their issue as our own. We feel what they feel.

My suggestion would be to allow him space and when you feel he is in a better mood talk about your feelings (which most times Aqua's have a hard time doing). Just a discussion about your feelings should improve things a bit because at least he'd know that you do feel. When I say feel, I mean say it not show it. Do not get mad and sulk. When dating a Cancer get used to starting your sentences with ?I feel.? Of course aquariusch24, this is after you have though about and rationalized your feelings.

I got more expression of feeling from my ex-Aqua after we split than when we were together. Strange but true how they say you never know what you have until it's gone. Good luck to you!

eloquent merc - but probably accurate