I need to vent

So, I've been dating my cancer guy since July. From the beginning he was the person who seemed the most interested in moving the relationship forward. I on the other hand wanted to slow things down. Since I've known him I've realized that he says things to me in the most indirect ways. Once I asked him does he mean these things he said absolutely so being that he is a cancer and that's the way they generally do things I've come to accept this. A few weeks ago he said to me in a joking way of course "I know you love me". This shocked me because with him I never know where we stand when he said it we'd just had a little argument so it literally came out of nowhere. When he said it I didn't acknowledge it (I know bad move) but I didn't know what I felt and wasn't ready to have this conversation with him anyway. So naturally, he stopped talking to me. To his defense it's a very stressful time at work for him so that may have had something to do with it but mostly I believe that he'd just went into his shell because I'm sure he saw my lack of response as a form of rejection.

Anyway, we seemed to have moved beyond it. He's in another state now because of his work but we have stayed in touch. A couple of days ago, when we were talking he started talking about how we've moved to the next phase in our "relationship" and us having kids together (indirectly, but I believe he means it). In the time since the first conversation where he mentioned "love" I have come to realize that I do have those feelings for him. But, I'm just a little disappointed that he can go from not speaking to me to I want to have kids with you. Does it seem possible that his bringing up kids means that he was in fact telling me again that he loved me? Is the ball now in my court and I have to tell him so that he won't have to face rejection from me if he says it. The problem I have is the silences, if he loved me would he not talk to me? Ignore my texts? In my mind I don't feel as if he's playing games, and I will admit that I haven't exactly let my guard down either. But how can he think we've moved to the next phase when we have periods when he doesn't talk to me. I've learned that during these times I need to keep moving and try not to think about him but I'm having difficulty going from last week of thinking I may never hear from him again, to talking about having kids the next week. Am I overreacting? Right now, I've just decided to do nothing but should I tell him about my fe

I meant to say, should I tell him about my feelings?

I wouldnt say dont hold them to it, I would say acknowledge it then move on kinda as if it had never been said unless they refer to it again. Don't confront them with it in a kinda "well you told me" kinda of way or they for some reason will feel threatened. They will most likely spend a large amount of time weighing your response and if they should have said anything to be too busy to actually thinking about what their saying it changes.

Wow, that's good to know. I think I'll call him on it and see what he says, I wasn't really thinking that he would be saying these things just to say them but before I can continue I need him to be sure of his feelings. It would be ironic if I started to have feelings for him only to realize he didn't mean any of it.

Oooops, never mind ... it says just a vent ... ignore my thoughts then, sorry !!!

Ok, since that was just a vent ... I hid my thoughts to you, however, I feel compelled to say .... I think you are very confusing with what you want and/or expect from him .. so, my guidance to you would be to search yourself to see exactly what it is you're looking for, and then perhaps his feelings for you will have a clearer meaning to you.

Good Luck 🙂

Leokitten, I think SF and I were writing at the same time because I didn't see her post when I replied but then you still bring an interesting point. I won't call him on it per se but when he starts mentioning things like that again I'll ask him then.

P-Angel,
Thanks, I know I'm just venting but I do realize that a lot of my confusion is with me. I totally accept that. It's like I'm trying to find out for sure how he feels before I put myself out there. Also, after reading my own post I can't really blame him for the way he's acting because I'm acting pretty much the same way. It's something about seeing it in black and white that made me realize this. It's like his actions (aside from the not speaking to me) does indicate that he has these feelings but I guess I just want to hear them. LOL, we are probably both confused about each other. I wonder what he would say if he ever posted 🙂.

P Angel,

just noticed you hid your comments, why? They really helped me see my role in the confusion.

Different tone/detailed observation ... I didn't realize it was just a vent.

SS .. Cancer's in general, men even worse so ... have a tremendous fear of being hurt/rejected, as you say you know .. this is for a good reason, from their perspective, for it's in place to protect their sensitivity.

In a union ... to just KNOW something means nothing if it's not applied. In so applying this to how is going to talk to you about feelings, you have to accept that his words are going to take on a "kidding" tone, for this is his defense mechanism ... if he says it jokingly/casually and you don't respond accordingly, then he can just say that he was kidding, so not to show his injuries.

To be with a Cancer means you HAVE to accept his style of approach when addressing his feelings ... because this is the male Crab. If there's anything at all I can aid you with in trying to understand your Crab .. it is this ..

.. the FEEL, all the way down to the core of their being .. regardless of HOW they say it, if it's said ... IT IS FELT .. guaranteed.

So, instead of focusing on HOW he said it ... comprehend that for him to say, "I love you" AT ALL .. is frigging huge to the Crab who is guarded with their heart.

Come in here one day and just listen to people talk .. don't say anything, or look for answers to your questions .. just listen to the Crabs ....

It's not unusual for Cancer to spend gross amount of times with someone they love and NEVER say those words ..... for they HAVE to protect their hearts from injury because it's so tender.

If your man said the three words I LOVE YOU, in ANY tone ... you can carry it to the bank.

Thanks you two. Your words have really helped me tremendously and are very much appreciated. I was just on the phone with my sister talking about this and she said that it's the scorpio in me that is just as guarded with my feelings as he is with his. But I realize now that I need to be more open before I can ask for that from anyone else, wow, I've learned a lot in the last hour or so. Again, thanks.

You're welcome, SS ... the only thing we people can do in life is attempt to understand where other's are coming from, so our own path in relating with them becomes clearer.

I'm glad you were able to gain some insight, so you can grow within your partnership 🙂🙂

Wow, very insightful answers. I feel the same way LK, that he's voicing things, being open and honest and expecting me to quickly vacate the premises.

SS Im the same way with realizing I was sending him mixed messages. Once you clear that up its possible that you will see a big difference in his behavior as I have the past couple weeks since I have been more open and giving (emotionally) with my own Cancer.

remember we are cancers and very indirect if we don't feel secure. i can say i can be direct when i FEEl safe and secure but if we are trying to feel things out we will throw out our feelers. these feelers have a joking tone as everyone else has said on here in order to protect ourselves. why should i put myself out there if you aren't is basically the way i think. so when i get validation on my feelers then i am not scared to move forward..

awwww.....don't feel insecure Cansir
*big hug*
even if your virgals act up, you are loved :0)

thanks angelfish, that is sweet and yes i do feel the love :-) but i think i am learning how to keep these virgals in check..

".. the FEEL, all the way down to the core of their being .. regardless of HOW they say it, if it's said ... IT IS FELT .. guaranteed."

-ugh, i wish you could tell my boyfriend that!!! i feel things that are so deep i cannot even explain them, and then when i do try to explain it comes out all wrong. so, it seems like i don't care...but, people have NO IDEA!

SF, how did you go about clearing it up? Did you bring it up in conversation or was it more of a conscience effort to sync up your words/actions? I'd like to do the same but I'm not sure how to begin this process. Should I just wait until he says something and respond? Sorry if it seems like a silly question but like I said I've been this way for my entire life and I may need a little help in starting this whole "opening up" thing. I'm not trying to rush anything but I am interested in what's worked for you.

well if they don't behave I'm heading out to Texas teach them how ;0)

It took a little bit of both. I thought about things and saw that he responded very openly to me asking him for advice about anything...so I asked him for advice about him and then once he gave it to me I asked him if he would be able to handle if I did that. Kinda reverse psych type deal where I didnt have to come right out and say it but rather let him say it for me. I did a kind of "what if someone is interested in a guy whats the best way to clear up a mixed message.....". Then from there I had to make conscious efforts on my part to try what he advised me to do and even tell him why I hadnt been so successful at sending clear messages before.

the only drawback is that he thought you were talking about someone else......

Ok, so we were just on the phone and when we got off the phone he said ok baby I love you. But he said it as I was hanging up so I wasn't really sure especially with all the thoughts I've been having lately so I didn't want to look stupid so I sent him a text and said I think I hung up on you what was the last thing you said. He responded "I love you baby". I almost hit the floor!!! But being the person that I am, I responded by saying "do you really mean that" he said "yes". I responded by saying " I love you too". What's great is that I really mean it. He didn't say anything after that but I'm just so glad that he was able to tell me. Especially when you consider how hard it had to be for him to say. I am sooo happy right now I don't know what to do with myself LOL!

He just called again, he said he wanted to say the words, he not only said I love you (3 times total) but he also repeated the other stuff about the future. Wow, just when I was bracing myself for all of the work I'd have to do on myself first (which I definitely still intend to do) before he would feel comfortable enough to say it, he does. I'm literally speechless. That almost never happens 🙂

awww Congrats Scorp. Im happy for you

lol yeah Angel that was the downside, seemingly, his lil jealous fit got him over here quick when he thought I was talking about someone else...which also gave us a wonderful opportunity to some deep face to face convo. Is jealousy a Cancer trait? I thought Taurus had that one on lock.

"Is jealousy a Cancer trait? I thought Taurus had that one on lock."

YES - When we are interested in you we can become jealous especailly if we think you are seeing/intrested in someone else, however, if we aren't feeling you like that then we won't waste our time, energy or thoughts on being jealous over you.

hotgal is right on..if i am into you then yes i can become a little jealous but if i am just having fun with you then nah no jealousy involved..

yeah...so it wasnt a huuuge drawback. Thanks for the answers HG & CanSir.

The jealousy thing is interesting. Friday night he sent me a text asking me if I was home (remember he's out of state on business) I didn't respond. Saturday morning, he sent another text at 7am asking me if I was awake I didn't respond either because it was waaay too early on a Saturday morning and I knew he just wanted to check up on me. This kind of goes to what Krobe always says about always doing your own thing, maybe when I didn't respond to him last weekend that got him to thinking...

yeah.... I picked one seriously disturbed crab didn't I?......acts jealous...still not interested...go figure

sexyscorp19,

I will ALWAYS say to you and anyone else, it is GOOD to let a Cancer man's mind wonder for various reasons. Yes, be mysterious, and please don't let him CATCH you. Keep him on the stroll, he gets bored very easily.

Krobe some times the Cancer mind wonders without influence lol. In some cases his own circumstances, if he is not secure or feels like he is giving you all you need, will cause his mind to travel to the farthest destinations of his imagination. Every time I present something to my Cancer I can tell his mind is going 200 miles a minute trying to figure out if I mean it and where Im coming from. Im almost tempted to teach him how to accept a compliment without putting it through a million skepticism challenges.

Krobe,

I've always gotten good advice from you, you're my cancer guru 🙂

Thanks.

Krobe,

I've always gotten good advice from you, you're my cancer guru

Thanks.

You are welcome, just remember sexyscorp. Don't just lay down and die and say here you can have me. Nope, just too easy to boring. Remain unconquered.