In limbo with my Cancer Man! Help!!!

Dear friends.
Please help me.

I met my Cancer man 9 months ago, fell in love at first sight and within 2 months he moved in with me, and we loved each other greatly.
I could always tell he loved me, and he said i had his heart, he was kind and considerate and loving and the best man I have ever met.
Well a few months ago, with his work stress and general stress of co-habitating, things were getting bad, he got on my nerves a lot, and he knows it, that he is irritating, and moody, and short tempered. Anyway! I there was a building resentment from me that was poisoning our relationship, we got into a lot of fights, we would make up quickly, but it was mentally draining for him.

anyway, one situation happened, i told him how miserable i was feeling and how i doubted our future and that he should move out, on several occasions i said that, because i felt taken advantaged of and if he didnt have me, he would realize how much he loved me, because to me, he was caring a lot about superficial things, his possessions, like his car, etc. He denied, he always said that pissed him off when i said that, and he loved me. anyway after that blow up, he said he wanted a break. That he was pissed off at me, that when i told him to move out he took it with a grain of salt and after a while, he took it seriously. Well, I'm a gemini, i just go from one mood to another quickly.

So! it has been 1 month of this break. It it HORRIBLE.
He said he needs space, he said he needs to figure out what he wants, he doesnt know what he wants anymore. I am scared, so scared of losing him and i have probably been doing everything wrong. I will give him space for a while, then flip out because, the situation only seems to be getting worse.. In the begining he used to still make me breakfast but the last week he has completely stopped that. The thing is, we are still living together. I said he had to leave, because i want him to really think about what it's like to be without me, hopefully he will want us to continue.. at first he agreed, then now he is saying he needs a couple of weeks, and that he will leave when he wants to. He had said, if he leaves, it is over. He also said, that for now we can't be together. I don't want to be without him, but at the same time, i can't wait forever. He has been really cold about it, he said, when you meet someone else you think is better than me, you'll forget all about me.

I am trying to give him space, but we live together! w

It's just been really hard. we used to text every single day all the time. He said I am his best friend. He doesnt have many friends, and lately he has been distracting himself a lot, with new friends. I have been very paranoid because I wasn't sure if they were girls or not, I still dont but he says there is nobody else. But the fact that he doesnt know what he wants, he wants to be with other people, he doesnt know if he wants to get married, just was so sure at one point, i mean in September we took a short vacation to meet my family. He has said he knows he has to change his personality... I have also done a lot of growing and contemplating, I realize i had been taking his love for granted. I thought he would be there forever... now he is a completely different man. I am so scared to lose him, but the fact is, he hasn't left yet. All he has are clothes and miscellanous items at my place, he has his parents place to go home to, but he is still with me. We are living like "roommates"... it is so hard. He is stressed out and refuses to talk about our relationship and gets really upset if i try. He said he needs a lot of time. If we both acknowledge we both had issues to this, is he still blaming me? He said, we can't go back to what we had. But why wont he leave?!

I miss him so much. and i see him every night.

Don't let him leave the house if you want to keep him. If he leaves, he is not coming back.

how do i win him back and how do i know if space will work in my favor?
I dont know what to do... how do i behave in this situation?

I got so freaked out because he moved some of his paintings out last weekend so i started packing up some of his stuff for him.
Part of me thinks, if he leaves he will realize he will miss me.
Part of me thinks if he leaves it's over completely
I dont know what to think.

We were hit with part of Sandy so he was telling me to be careful walking to my bus this morning because of the loose construction material that could be flying away.
Last night, he heated up some soup for me. I wasn't going to eat it, but he started getting mad that i wasn't drinking it so i did. And he seemed happier that I liked it.
But last night i was also pissing him off because, he was telling me I can do whatever I want to do, and date guys etc. So i was starting an online dating profile to make him realize he could lose me, but he got really pissed off. And that's when he said, when i meet someone i like better, i will forget all about him. I cant talk to him cus he refuses to, So i texted him that I dont want to be with anyone else, he always said, that I love him and he loves me and that's it, we have to deal with each other, and that this is just a rough time in our relationship and he says "Please let's just rest" and i went out and said that i know i need to be patient and give him space and i dont want to lose him. and he said "ya"... he keeps saying that, it's over. that deal with it already it's done. I am so confused.

Posted by geminijunebaby
how do i win him back and how do i know if space will work in my favor?
I dont know what to do... how do i behave in this situation?

I got so freaked out because he moved some of his paintings out last weekend so i started packing up some of his stuff for him.
Part of me thinks, if he leaves he will realize he will miss me.
Part of me thinks if he leaves it's over completely
I dont know what to think.

Firstly, calm down. I have a very close gemini female friend and she also gets flustered like you. Don't have a nervous breakdown under pressure (very gemini like...you know what I mean). Unless you're calm you're going to mishandle the situation. Start patching up by kind actions, like creating a more homely environment where he feels comfortable. This could be like cooking a meal for him, ask him how his day went, just generally be kind.

You have to begin the healing process now, don't discuss the past and make everyday comfortable for him. Right now he needs to know you're there for him and it can only come through care and affection. don't expect immediate results. Don't let him move any stuff out, tel him firmly if required that he is not going anywhere and you need him. Cancer men can never say no to a strong matron like women, do you get it? It's their mommy complex, strong women have a magical hold over Cancer men. This is not because they fear them, it's just that they love strong women very much and will listen.

Posted by geminijunebaby
We were hit with part of Sandy so he was telling me to be careful walking to my bus this morning because of the loose construction material that could be flying away.
Last night, he heated up some soup for me. I wasn't going to eat it, but he started getting mad that i wasn't drinking it so i did. And he seemed happier that I liked it.
But last night i was also pissing him off because, he was telling me I can do whatever I want to do, and date guys etc. So i was starting an online dating profile to make him realize he could lose me, but he got really pissed off. And that's when he said, when i meet someone i like better, i will forget all about him. I cant talk to him cus he refuses to, So i texted him that I dont want to be with anyone else, he always said, that I love him and he loves me and that's it, we have to deal with each other, and that this is just a rough time in our relationship and he says "Please let's just rest" and i went out and said that i know i need to be patient and give him space and i dont want to lose him. and he said "ya"... he keeps saying that, it's over. that deal with it already it's done. I am so confused.

You're doing everything wrong, good lord. Woman, stop doing anything before you hurt yourself. Read this: DO NOT DO ANYTHING!

are you crying ?

Posted by incandescentcancer

Posted by geminijunebaby
We were hit with part of Sandy so he was telling me to be careful walking to my bus this morning because of the loose construction material that could be flying away.
Last night, he heated up some soup for me. I wasn't going to eat it, but he started getting mad that i wasn't drinking it so i did. And he seemed happier that I liked it.
But last night i was also pissing him off because, he was telling me I can do whatever I want to do, and date guys etc. So i was starting an online dating profile to make him realize he could lose me, but he got really pissed off. And that's when he said, when i meet someone i like better, i will forget all about him. I cant talk to him cus he refuses to, So i texted him that I dont want to be with anyone else, he always said, that I love him and he loves me and that's it, we have to deal with each other, and that this is just a rough time in our relationship and he says "Please let's just rest" and i went out and said that i know i need to be patient and give him space and i dont want to lose him. and he said "ya"... he keeps saying that, it's over. that deal with it already it's done. I am so confused.

You're doing everything wrong, good lord. Woman, stop doing anything before you hurt yourself. Read this: DO NOT DO ANYTHING!

click to expand

I'm so sorry, but this is funny. Cause its true!

As soon as you get an idea how what to do.. STOP AND DON'T DO A THING!!

Dear Incandescentcancer

OMG i am having a nervous breakdown.
One of my managers at work just talked to me today to ask if i wanted to take some days off or talk to someone...

I started putting our stuff away.
I mean should i put it all back now. I know i do one thing and then another and it confuses the hell out of him. he called me a mindf*ck recently.
HE was going to eat the chicken i was baking last night, but then i upset him and he decided to eat something else instead.

He seems to want to do the opposite of what I tell him to do.
I think i was resenting the fact that I had to be his mom, but now i started looking at it differently because i stopped resenting him and i just want to make him happy.
I need all the support i can get here, he is such a Cancer and I am driving myself crazy by freaking out everyday, i keep finding different techniques to deal with things so nothing is stable.

OK be kind be kind be kind.

I hope this works.

Posted by BommyKnocker

Posted by incandescentcancer

Posted by geminijunebaby
We were hit with part of Sandy so he was telling me to be careful walking to my bus this morning because of the loose construction material that could be flying away.
Last night, he heated up some soup for me. I wasn't going to eat it, but he started getting mad that i wasn't drinking it so i did. And he seemed happier that I liked it.
But last night i was also pissing him off because, he was telling me I can do whatever I want to do, and date guys etc. So i was starting an online dating profile to make him realize he could lose me, but he got really pissed off. And that's when he said, when i meet someone i like better, i will forget all about him. I cant talk to him cus he refuses to, So i texted him that I dont want to be with anyone else, he always said, that I love him and he loves me and that's it, we have to deal with each other, and that this is just a rough time in our relationship and he says "Please let's just rest" and i went out and said that i know i need to be patient and give him space and i dont want to lose him. and he said "ya"... he keeps saying that, it's over. that deal with it already it's done. I am so confused.

You're doing everything wrong, good lord. Woman, stop doing anything before you hurt yourself. Read this: DO NOT DO ANYTHING!

I'm so sorry, but this is funny. Cause its true!

As soon as you get an idea how what to do.. STOP AND DON'T DO A THING!!

click to expand

LOL is it true cause i'm a gemini?
IS it too late?
GUYS— I shoulda went to this forum first! It's been a month already!
Why is he getting worse and worse?
In the beginning we still texted, and he would still do things for me. Now he is even more recluse.
Does this mean I am losing him?

calm down.. relax.. take big deep breaths.. its going to be okay.

I don't think its too late, he still lives with you. I would say you messed around his sense of security by doing what you did, and security is a huge deal for cancers.

cus like i dont want him to think i dont love him, i have been so frustrated with him and that's what i keep telling him but doesnt mean i dont love him!!!!
I AM DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY.
I dont want to lose him. But i am so scared.
HE said he never felt like this about anyone before so i find it so sad he could throw this away.
HE was engaged and broke it off before i met him, like maybe 6 months? I said to him, i saw this coming! he loves and leaves fast! Cus he met his ex-fiance on vacation, then moved to her home country, didnt work out then moved back. HE was like, "not my fault I fell in love with you!" ... sheesh

Posted by BommyKnocker
calm down.. relax.. take big deep breaths.. its going to be okay.

I don't think its too late, he still lives with you. I would say you messed around his sense of security by doing what you did, and security is a huge deal for cancers.

okok i just wrote that on my wrist. "ITS GOING TO BE OK, CALM DOWN" LOL
i am so insane. he knows this. he knows im super dramatic.
you're right. i did mess with his head.
sometimes i dont know what to do with him right, like his mood swings are INSANE! It was really really hard to deal with, especially since I didnt take a step back, it just grew and grew and he just drove me more and more crazy.

I was hoping that him not moving out was cus he wasn't sure too.
HE was saying, that we are great together, we just cant live together.
And i said, that well i loved living with him, well I tolerate living with him but I love seeing him everyday, which made me love living with him.
I think that hit a nerve cus he wanted to stop talking after that.

ok.. you really need to calm down.. if your manager suggested you should take a break to calm down, that means you really really need to calm down, asap.

Obviously you live in the USA. are you both Americans ?

Posted by geminijunebaby
Dear Incandescentcancer

OMG i am having a nervous breakdown.
One of my managers at work just talked to me today to ask if i wanted to take some days off or talk to someone...

I started putting our stuff away.
I mean should i put it all back now. I know i do one thing and then another and it confuses the hell out of him. he called me a mindf*ck recently.
HE was going to eat the chicken i was baking last night, but then i upset him and he decided to eat something else instead.

He seems to want to do the opposite of what I tell him to do.
I think i was resenting the fact that I had to be his mom, but now i started looking at it differently because i stopped resenting him and i just want to make him happy.
I need all the support i can get here, he is such a Cancer and I am driving myself crazy by freaking out everyday, i keep finding different techniques to deal with things so nothing is stable.

OK be kind be kind be kind.

I hope this works.

Sweetheart, unless you calm down this is going to be a huge mess and both of you will get hurt. He clearly has feelings for you, otherwise he would most definitely not worry about your safety and force you to drink that soup. So read what I am saying carefully, you need to calm yourself first...

Posted by BommyKnocker
ok.. you really need to calm down.. if your manager suggested you should take a break to calm down, that means you really really need to calm down, asap.

Obviously you live in the USA. are you both Americans ?

no we're canadian. he's eastern euro. im asian canadian.

Does he work/study ?

Where is his family ?

Posted by BommyKnocker
Does he work/study ?

Where is his family ?

he works in the city, his hours are really early and long like he has to wake up 5AM and works til around 6PM. so he's really stressed out, and its physically and mentally demanding. And his parents are here too. He was living with them before we moved in together. He is really close to his family. I've met them several times, they are amazing people, I love his family.

just checking.. this isn't one of those situations where he needs to marry someone to get a green card or something right?

all of the immigration stuff is sorted, right ?

Posted by incandescentcancer

Posted by geminijunebaby
Dear Incandescentcancer

OMG i am having a nervous breakdown.
One of my managers at work just talked to me today to ask if i wanted to take some days off or talk to someone...

I started putting our stuff away.
I mean should i put it all back now. I know i do one thing and then another and it confuses the hell out of him. he called me a mindf*ck recently.
HE was going to eat the chicken i was baking last night, but then i upset him and he decided to eat something else instead.

He seems to want to do the opposite of what I tell him to do.
I think i was resenting the fact that I had to be his mom, but now i started looking at it differently because i stopped resenting him and i just want to make him happy.
I need all the support i can get here, he is such a Cancer and I am driving myself crazy by freaking out everyday, i keep finding different techniques to deal with things so nothing is stable.

OK be kind be kind be kind.

I hope this works.

Sweetheart, unless you calm down this is going to be a huge mess and both of you will get hurt. He clearly has feelings for you, otherwise he would most definitely not worry about your safety and force you to drink that soup. So read what I am saying carefully, you need to calm yourself first...

click to expand

Thank you. Ok I must calm down. I must calm down.
Thank you so much. I didnt realize how much i loved him til now, he seems to be taking this very calmly which is freaking me out. Like he is so level headed about the whole situation, saying. You have to understand that in a relationship, things come up, things change. and like, when i said i realize how much i care about him, he's like, positives always come out of a negative situation. We were suppose to go to dinner, and he said, he would go but he doesnt want me to get emotional and stuff. I want to spend time with him so he remembers what we have. Should that be wise? If i am able to calm myself? Or just leave him alone for the most part. I dont want him to forget meeeeeeeee... he does this a lot with his relationships... he said that the exit is usually really fast with his past relationships, and this one is different which is why he wants to think.

Posted by BommyKnocker
just checking.. this isn't one of those situations where he needs to marry someone to get a green card or something right?

all of the immigration stuff is sorted, right ?

oh yeah he's canadian, no worries. lol.
funny tho, cus ok, he has said he is selfish, and that he always has been in relationships, cus his EX was from europe and he had promised to bring her to Canada, but didnt end up doing it, cus... i guess it was too hard. So he ended up moving there cause he thought he wanted to live in Europe again.. but that didnt work out.

haha they turn the F word into treetrunk? haha

you sound really nice 🙂

Just calm down, have a talk with him, tell him how you really feel.. calmly.. no ultimatums, no manipulation.. just a pleasant, mature 1-2-1 talk. Don't worry about a master plan for now, just a plan for the next couple of weeks.. a talk to let him know how you really feel and how you'd hope your relationship would develop.

+

Threatening cancers is a really bad idea. Stuff like your profile in that dating website would've scared him silly.

+

He clearly cares about you, just be reflective of his energy, nurturing, gentile or whatever it is..

you just sound like you freak out and then go and do every wrong thing you can think off. As long as you just calm down and relax and deal with him sensibly.. you should be fine.

Posted by BommyKnocker
you sound really nice 🙂

Just calm down, have a talk with him, tell him how you really feel.. calmly.. no ultimatums, no manipulation.. just a pleasant, mature 1-2-1 talk. Don't worry about a master plan for now, just a plan for the next couple of weeks.. a talk to let him know how you really feel and how you'd hope your relationship would develop.

+

Threatening cancers is a really bad idea. Stuff like your profile in that dating website would've scared him silly.

+

He clearly cares about you, just be reflective of his energy, nurturing, gentile or whatever it is..

you just sound like you freak out and then go and do every wrong thing you can think off. As long as you just calm down and relax and deal with him sensibly.. you should be fine.

yup
that's me! I freak out! then i go and do everything wrong! I have no control LOL. I'm a big giant spazz. that's part of my personality.
I hope hope hope you guys are right!
I love him dearly. We get along so well, and we have so much fun together... I can deal with him, like i always thought I couldnt, but I can take him as he is because the other option is to not have him at all! He brings so much happiness to my life. Even when he drives me insane, he's like, you secretly like it! So you can have something to talk to your girlfriends about... who wants a boring relationship...

The thing that scares me is that he doesnt know what he wants. He even said, maybe he wants to be with other girls, who knows. I always trusted him 100% before. Another thing is, he seems to have a lot of these on and off relationships. Anyway. Its so hard for me to take it a day at a time, not knowing... we've stopped all gf/bf stuff... he doesnt give me any affection anymore, obviously he has his needs, but i dont want to if he's not my bf.
WAH! I miss him so much. I jump from wanting to kill him to missing him with all my heart.

ok.. I get it

just remember.. get the affection back, that should be your priority, affection means he's taking the relationship with you seriously. Other keywords are stability and security. Don't mess with stability & security.

Once he feels secure enough and in a stable position, it will be much easier for him to know what does he want and how to get it, and its quite possible if not very likely that you would be a big part of it.

Just .. calm... down.

you can't guilt him to committing. He will do so when he feels ready, and he will never feel ready if he's not feeling secure in a relationship.

Just have a talk with him, let him know how you feel, where do you like the relationship to go, identify similar grounds.. and just.. calm.. down.

That's pretty much it.

Anyway, i'm going.. didn't want you to think i'm ignoring your thread or anything. Hopefully others will chip in and be helpful/insightful.

Wish you all the best.

Posted by BommyKnocker
ok.. I get it

just remember.. get the affection back, that should be your priority, affection means he's taking the relationship with you seriously. Other keywords are stability and security. Don't mess with stability & security.

Once he feels secure enough and in a stable position, it will be much easier for him to know what does he want and how to get it, and its quite possible if not very likely that you would be a big part of it.

Just .. calm... down.

you can't guilt him to committing. He will do so when he feels ready, and he will never feel ready if he's not feeling secure in a relationship.

Just have a talk with him, let him know how you feel, where do you like the relationship to go, identify similar grounds.. and just.. calm.. down.

That's pretty much it.

Anyway, i'm going.. didn't want you to think i'm ignoring your thread or anything. Hopefully others will chip in and be helpful/insightful.

Wish you all the best.

Ok thanks so much.
I just downloaded this for my phone lol
http://indisputablelogictime.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/calm_the_fuck_down_by_mooh438.jpg

thank you so much for your input. I will do my best to calm down!!!!

Posted by DeeGee

Posted by incandescentcancer
Don't let him leave the house if you want to keep him. If he leaves, he is not coming back.

Yeah, kidnap his ass....lol

click to expand

Chloroform has always been my preferred convincing technique, kidnapping is not bad though.

Posted by DeeGee
@OP: You moved in together waaaaaaaaay to soon....thats the whole problem.

yeah you know. nobody was opposed to it, not his family nor mine. it was like, this is a quick way to get to to know someone and to know if they are right for you or not, cus eventually we have to live together.

Posted by geminijunebaby

Posted by DeeGee
@OP: You moved in together waaaaaaaaay to soon....thats the whole problem.

yeah you know. nobody was opposed to it, not his family nor mine. it was like, this is a quick way to get to to know someone and to know if they are right for you or not, cus eventually we have to live together.

click to expand

It's also a quick way to get attached to someone in a situation that doesn't lend itself to what the beginning should be about....

Not to point fingers... but you're bound to move forward making the same mistakes if you think that train of thought made any sense....

It's obviously done, and you're here to see if you can rectify what has been done. So please, don't take offence to what I said. I'm just pointing out the flaw in that line of thinking.

exactly! DeeGee is pickin up on what deezie is throwin down! lol

Posted by DeeGee

Posted by deezie
Not to point fingers... but you're bound to move forward making the same mistakes if you think that train of thought made any sense....

It's obviously done, and you're here to see if you can rectify what has been done. So please, don't take offence to what I said. I'm just pointing out the flaw in that line of thinking.

I know what you're saying...the damage is done, now you have to figure out a way to fix it.

You can get to know someone without moving in with them....plus why do you want the stesses of living together before enjoying the dating part...the best part you skipped right over it....

Now you have to make it work, cus if he moves out, thats it, you can't switch it up...its like going backwards.

click to expand

because it was so right.
We met each other and fell inlove. it was instantaneous. We told each other we loved each other in a week. well actually the 4th time we saw each other. It was incredible. and then we were inseparable, we were basically spending all our time together anyway, and we couldnt sleep when we were apart, so the logical thing was to move in together and we were enjoying getting to know each other in the process. Living together was great. It was amazing. It just got harder with time and stress and lack of communication with each other, and also that high of emotions kind of dying down.

I thought i wanted him to move out, so he could get some clarity, i never thought that it would be the end. At the moment he hasnt decided to move out yet.

Posted by deezie
exactly! DeeGee is pickin up on what deezie is throwin down! lol

haha i like the perspective from the boys and then from the girls.

but guuyyyssss
Look if its over and done with, wouldnt he have moved out by now... its not that hard if he wanted to go.. he has a place and all he has are clothes and its really a 40 min drive. plus he's always at home anyway, he's close to his family and goes home for lunch and food time to time.
I think i'm my biggest problem.
I am not patience. It's never been this bad before, well obviously we've never been broken up before.
I just think it's stupid he's had on and off relationships before and he says he loves me the most out of everyone... so it's gotta work.

damn it

See... this all sounds like "young love" - or what you consider to be love.

It all sounds lovely and beautiful, but it's not sustainable. As you have now found out. In a matter of 9 months... that love is nowhere to be seen. There are power games at play. And although you claim to be realizing that you love him and don't want to lose him - which some have said sounds sweet, I'm not buying it completely. You've put a lot of judgements out there about his past relationships etc. Can I ask.... what does your dating history look like?

Nobody is saying it's over and done with (we can't know that). But nobody is saying (and especially with your own admittance of lack of patience and jumping all over the place with rash actions) that it is going to be easy, or quick either (this I pretty much promise you).

Posted by deezie
See... this all sounds like "young love" - or what you consider to be love.

It all sounds lovely and beautiful, but it's not sustainable. As you have now found out. In a matter of 9 months... that love is nowhere to be seen. There are power games at play. And although you claim to be realizing that you love him and don't want to lose him - which some have said sounds sweet, I'm not buying it completely. You've put a lot of judgements out there about his past relationships etc. Can I ask.... what does your dating history look like?

Let me correct myself... nobody actually said it sounded sweet. My perception is that the boys find it endearing. Regardless... that wasn't my point of that post. Just don't wanna cause any backlash, dxp is cruel sometimes 🙂

The guys gave excellent advice (as they always do in their well tuned in and thought out ways) - if you are as desperately in love as you say you are, you need to get yourself in line - put it to work - and for goodness sake work on the patience.

Or your other option is continue being and loving who you are, and realize that sometimes just because there is mutual love doesn't mean a relationship works.

Posted by deezie
See... this all sounds like "young love" - or what you consider to be love.

It all sounds lovely and beautiful, but it's not sustainable. As you have now found out. In a matter of 9 months... that love is nowhere to be seen. There are power games at play. And although you claim to be realizing that you love him and don't want to lose him - which some have said sounds sweet, I'm not buying it completely. You've put a lot of judgements out there about his past relationships etc. Can I ask.... what does your dating history look like?

My dating history? Ok i'm 29. He is 30.
I fell in love with my first love at like 23. and that relationship kinda lasted around a year. then became on and off. And i hadn't been able to get over that til I met my Cancer man. And now I love him completely. I have had some relationships before, but was pretty flaky. and then for a while before I met the cancer i was in an extremely unhealthy relationship I didn't want to be in but was not strong enough to cut it off. At that point, i was still in love with my first love.

Him. he has dated a lot. he was telling me, before he met me, he would set up dates like 5 dates a day. I do judge his past relationships, cus, he has had so many of them, I mean, re: his ex fiance. he met her on vacation and fell in love with her to the point he was having a longD relationship and was going to marry her. like i said to him, everything just happens so fast for him. He said "maybe". A lot of me is just scared. That might be my downfall, not trusting his love 100% , which always pisses him off... But he thinks other things so seriously, like he yells at me if i close his car door too quickly, and yelled at me when i tripped and fell on his imac cord, he was scared i was going to crack his computer. I mean, come on. Im a person, those are things! He also has great amazing caring qualities. I let the bad cloud the good stuff. I tend to do that.

We still do caring things for each other. it's really hard. Also his instinct is to run, as he had said before, and my instinct is to push away. He has refrained from running... for now... at least physically, emotionally he is here and there.

Do you see at all that your judgement of his past - is a direct reflection/projection of your own past?
Part of me thinks that if you successfully repair what is going on right now.... one or the both of you will continue to recreate this situation....

And I say that because:
1) you were in a year long relationship (which appears to be the longest? correct me if I'm wrong)
2) you moved in with him after 2 months (so... apparently you love quick too)
3) you used the word flakey... with relationships.... in the same sentence...

Posted by deezie
Do you see at all that your judgement of his past - is a direct reflection/projection of your own past?
Part of me thinks that if you successfully repair what is going on right now.... one or the both of you will continue to recreate this situation....

mmm no i dont see how it is a projection of my own past.
I loved the guy. but i dont anymore, i love my cancer guy.

My judgement of his past is fear, and ultimately it came true, because he said he doesnt know what he wants, and he wants to be with other women.
He was 100% sure at one point and said i had all of him. But i kept doubting it, partially by his past, partially but the way he was treating me, with his selfishness and temper, I always said to him, get your priorities straight, cus it was always about him.

I mean at some point people who love each other need to work on the relationship instead of bailing right? So much of it is good, the bad stuff needs work on. And yes. it will be a lot of hard work on my part. to fight my own nature. Cus im nuts. He said, that maybe some other guy wont mind my traits annoying and vice versa. I suppose if it is meant to be... but we have such a good thing, it would really suck to not let it have another go.

I sympathize. When you come out of an unhealthy relationship and move forward - you bring that experience with you, and do everything you can (action or inaction) to prevent yourself from being set up in the same situation (even though human nature wise we will seek out that exact situation or even create it - if we haven't dealt with the internal stuff surrounding it).

I see the need for a lot of self-work (because there are some real insecurities taking place in your head), not "what do I do to keep him", or "we need to work on the relationship". Working on the relationship is pointless until you get yourself figured out.

Posted by deezie
And I say that because:
1) you were in a year long relationship (which appears to be the longest? correct me if I'm wrong)
2) you moved in with him after 2 months (so... apparently you love quick too)
3) you used the word flakey... with relationships.... in the same sentence...

1. yes. but i didnt move in with that guy.
WELL actually he did for a week and thats when it ended! That was towards the end, we had known each other around 9 months. When we celebrated our 8 months, he said this was his longest consecutive relationship.

2. Well i love all or i dont love at all. i either know i love you, it doesnt grow. I thought i could make it grow in that unhealthy relationship I was in, because he was very good to me. very selfish, but I didnt/couldnt love him as much as i tried to think it was the best thing. heart wants what it wants.

3. yes i was flakey, before i met my first love. The longest relationship then was probably 3 months. I dont date much, but i had 3 short term relationships that I ended before I met my first love. I never dated in high school. Maybe emotionally I am stunted. I dunno!

None of that was me condemning you for "how you date" etc. It is what it is! But I see a direct correlation with what you seem to have a problem with in his past relationship experiences, and your own experiences.

Sure he'd set up 5 dates in a day. A date does not make a relationship. So if you speak of only relationships, your histories appear (from my limited reading of words on a screen) to be very similar. Quick moving, jump right in, deal with the consequences once in the thick of it (nothing wrong with this, probably part of the reason why you two matched up in the first place). But to hold that against him, is to hold it against yourself.

DeeGee - I believe yes, he is still living with her at this point.

Posted by deezie
I sympathize. When you come out of an unhealthy relationship and move forward - you bring that experience with you, and do everything you can (action or inaction) to prevent yourself from being set up in the same situation (even though human nature wise we will seek out that exact situation or even create it - if we haven't dealt with the internal stuff surrounding it).

I see the need for a lot of self-work (because there are some real insecurities taking place in your head), not "what do I do to keep him", or "we need to work on the relationship". Working on the relationship is pointless until you get yourself figured out.

That unhealthy relationship meant nothing to me.... so i didnt take any of that with me.
But i agree with you, about my insecurities.
I had tried to counter them to begin with, because when i enter a relationship, i usually start gaining weight. The first love - i gained a bunch of weight and became pretty insecure. So before I met Cancer Man, i had a personal trainer that i was working out with, that I have maintained, and for the first time, I was losing weight while in a relationship. I lost probably over 20lbs while in this relationship, yet still feel a bit insecure as I am not at my goal weight/figure yet. He also checks out a lot of people infront of me, and that bothered me, even though its something men do, i mean he really is jus a horn dog. I think his compliments died down a lot and i kept catching him watching porn and that was bothering me too. haha this is all coming out. Yeah a lot of it is in my head.

Well - you're aware of these things. That's good.

Something that really doesn't sit well with me (and I'm not quite clear on where it's coming from on his end) is the comments about he wants to be with other women. Screams red flag to me. You guys live together. In my head, you don't move in with someone if you still haven't sown your wild oats, so to speak. That seems odd to me.

Posted by deezie
None of that was me condemning you for "how you date" etc. It is what it is! But I see a direct correlation with what you seem to have a problem with in his past relationship experiences, and your own experiences.

Sure he'd set up 5 dates in a day. A date does not make a relationship. So if you speak of only relationships, your histories appear (from my limited reading of words on a screen) to be very similar. Quick moving, jump right in, deal with the consequences once in the thick of it (nothing wrong with this, probably part of the reason why you two matched up in the first place). But to hold that against him, is to hold it against yourself.

DeeGee - I believe yes, he is still living with her at this point.

Well i consider myself to have, now 2 serious relationships. Him, when i first talked to him, he said 4-5 serious ones, i guess now im either 5 or 6. But then when we were breaking up, i called him robotic, and he said, he's done it enough... i was like, how many times, he said 10+.

I dont think i held his serial dating against him. I actually liked bringing it up to bug him that it took him that long to find me, he would go on a few dates and end it. But with me, he knew right away. And i wanted to point out what we had/have doesnt come around every day.

Posted by deezie
Well - you're aware of these things. That's good.

Something that really doesn't sit well with me (and I'm not quite clear on where it's coming from on his end) is the comments about he wants to be with other women. Screams red flag to me. You guys live together. In my head, you don't move in with someone if you still haven't sown your wild oats, so to speak. That seems odd to me.

Yeah, being aware is one thing, controlling it is another.
We both have a lot of maturing to do.
I am the only child, he is the youngest. Together we are like children sometimes.

I talked to some people about his comment, some have said, its guy nature to want to spread their seed. But yeah, that really bothers me, which really freaks me out.
I think he thought I was the one for him, but now that he is having doubts, he is noticing other women. He said to me, he ran from the altar once, doesnt that tell me something, and he said, he doesnt know if he wants to get married, so in the end it doesnt matter. I said, a lot of ppl dont get married these days, but they are committed to each other. What he doesnt want to do is commit. He had nothing to say.

Yeah... I smell badness on that note... Don't lose yourself in this.
You're a well spoken, fairly self aware, nice girl. Don't be afraid to pay attention to certain things.
You need not act on it right away, but pay attention.

Where are you in Canada btw?