Insight on my situation? Don't wanna lose my crab

So cancer man broke up with me. it's really a long story, but basically I've been through a lot and have some things to take care of before I can really BE in a relationship, the proper way.... I agree with this desicion, because I do want to be a good woman, for me, and for him. but mostly me. My thing is is that I love him more than anything and I'd like to win him back... how? He says he trusts, and cares for me deeply. and he loves me. just that I need some time to grow and so does he. He says he felt pressure to fix my problems, I didn't actually out pressure on him to do so. I just expressed myself very freely, because we are very open, honest and accepting of each other. so I thought it'd be okay. well it was too much for him. so basically I need to handle my issues if I ever want a chance... I am definitely in the process of doing so. He says we're on a break sort of thing... because he doesn't want me to date anyone else, and doesnt want to date anyone either. but we need some time apart.... he's being really sweet and caring about the whole thing, and acts strong. ( part of the reason I thought expressing my inner most thoughts were okay) I want to be there for him, perhaps as a friend, but I'm not sure exactly how to do that without acting like I'm madly in love with him. He said we should at least take a month apart and that we can see where we are then. I'm not exactly sure how this will work with him. but we're still going to the same thanksgiving thing, so I think we'll still be seeing each other, just probably a lot less. My real question is: Is it over? Do I have a chance to win him back? Should I continue to tell him I love him, and how I feel about him. What's the best way to go about this to do as much as possible to get him back when the month is over. (besides working on myself?)

I mean we've gone on a break before, so I don't think that's true about what you said, but I'll definitely keep that in mind. well that's what I was kind of saying.... I don't really know how to be a friend... to be honest the way he is acting is the exact same as before we broke up, he just wants me to take care of myself first before worrying about him I guess? I don't know. me having to work on myself was definitely a strain on us, and I just don't think he wants that strain, and for me to actually 100% focus on myself. but maybe I'm just being hopeful.... I think I'll give him some space. I just dont want him to think that I don't want to talk to him, or that I am over him. because I'm not. also he never offically said "break" if that matters. It's just what I see it as. blah. the first break, was my doing. I asked him if he wants me to go no contact, he says no that he really wants to talk, and hang out. but it shouldn't be my focus (and he's totally right... blah it's just hard sometimes.) I just dont want to ruin anything before I even get a chance to make it better.

I mean, in a few weeks time I've handled SEVERAL issues, it's just I have a few more, harder ones to tackle that take practice, rather than just snapping into it. also, I need to advance my career a bit more, and really focus on that....

thanks for your input cutegem, but I don't really find you being helpful

no trust issues at all. insecurity yes, but not in our relationship, in myself and being down a bit. (but I've recently learned a lot of new tools that I find greatly helpful, it's just hard to implement them all the time.) also he doesn't check out.... he has tried to help a lot. but I've been stubborn for awhile because it took me awhile to get what he was saying... and about 3 weeks ago I FINALLLLY did, did some research, and have really been changing, (even he says there's growth) but it's hard to completely change all at once, and i've been selfish in the relationship. that's for sure. so it's been stressful for him because he was trying a long time to help me when I didn't get it....

I appreciate all input, but I'm not here for insight on my relationship issues, but rather how I can salvage our relationship, and keep him in my life. Thank you.

That's the thing, he IS STILL there for me. as I said before, it's hard to help a person who wasn't trying to help themselves, and until recently I didn't think I had too much to work on.... and that's just not the truth. My cancer DEFINITELY gets upset when I won't let him help. and that's exactly what the problem was. I wasn't able to SEE that he was trying to help me, I wasnt accepting of that,or seeing that he was not trying to be crass,but rather just be rawly real. I'm a sensitive soul so I would just get hurt.

oh no, that was at the start of our relationship, and that actually ended really well. he was apologetic, a bit intoxicated, and completely disowned that chick for me.

Well, I guess I just thought he was being mean to me, because he would just make comments instead of EXPLAINING what he meant, and as a gem I need that. so I was stubborn and didn't get it, and then about a month ago, we talked, he explained, and I've been working on it... it's just not so easy to be perfect... with old behaviors that run deep... DEFINITELY put a strain on us, and really got him a bit worn out. he says he's not completely done, and if he becomes done he will tell me. I just was selfish and it did take a toll on us.

Posted by CuteGem
Also.. if I were you I wouldn't trust the " we don't date other people while on the break".
The question is what is your power at the break if the other person dates someone else?? To break up from the person that you are having a break?
That's insane.
He is not dating anyone if he won't find anyone or until he makes up his mind. You on the other hand are on hold.

WHICH, I kind of deserve to be on hold.. we are SUPER honest with each other, and so I trust him fully.
I've got to prove myself. I just want to go about this the best way. to be honest, if I'm on hold.that's fine, he's worth it and before I was so self involved our relationship was beautiful, even when I became like that it was beautiful, it just had it's real nasty parts too. (but not anger at all, just him trying to take care of me, and be not understanding and being too stubborn to listen)


ALSO, I cam from a really hard background, my mom being a druggie and all this bad stuff happening to me. so Having someone love me completely like him, and having to trust in a whole new way, has been a challange, and until recently (3 weeks ago) I didn't get it.

Posted by Arietteheart

Posted by Deepduality
I appreciate all input, but I'm not here for insight on my relationship issues, but rather how I can salvage our relationship, and keep him in my life. Thank you.

It's kind of hard to give any advice when I can't even follow what's going on. Your opening statement said he broke up with you, then "break sort of thing" then you say he didn't actually say break.

Maybe someone else can help you.

click to expand

sorry, if I'm not being clear enough. well I said broke up, because to me that's what it feels like.. I don't know what to call it. so I call it a break... but he just said "time to work on ourselves" which really meant me. lol

I've been going to a therapist for 2 months.... I've already started to work on it on my own...in different ways. I mean I know it's been a problem for me.but I didn't realize it was taking a toll on my relationship, and because he wasnt explaining anything, I didn't put two and two together.

well, if you're gonna be here to mock my question, then please don't reply. I'm looking for advice on this, not you questioning the break situation or not.

gem. not a typical gem at all though. (dont know why. ha)

Posted by CluelessCancer

Posted by Arietteheart
Do Cancers even take breaks? Sorry...lol. I didn't know break was in their vocabulary.

hah, we're either in it to win it, or we disappear.

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he's still here though? he has TONS of gemini in his chart, if that means anything....
I don't know. blahhhh.

Posted by Arietteheart
Do Cancers even take breaks? Sorry...lol. I didn't know break was in their vocabulary.

I doubt they do. They don't ever bring up the "let's take a break" conversation from my experience unless you bring it up.

Posted by CuteGem

Posted by Deepduality
I've been going to a therapist for 2 months.... I've already started to work on it on my own...in different ways. I mean I know it's been a problem for me.but I didn't realize it was taking a toll on my relationship, and because he wasnt explaining anything, I didn't put two and two together.

What does your therapist think about the relationship?

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He thinks it's great for me, he's proud of the strides i've taken in the past month and is in contact with my cancer (has my permission of course)

I met with him yesterday, and he laid it out for me... because he talked to my cancer too.
he agrees that I need to focus on me right now, he agrees that it's good that we're gonna spend less time together, but also thinks that as long as I stick to improving myself we have a chance (he's not allowed to tell me what my cancer says, but he did say that he feels my cancer man really has a deep love for me, but is a bit overwhelmed by my recent bout of stubborness.)

Posted by CluelessCancer

Posted by Deepduality

Posted by CluelessCancer

Posted by Arietteheart
Do Cancers even take breaks? Sorry...lol. I didn't know break was in their vocabulary.

hah, we're either in it to win it, or we disappear.

he's still here though? he has TONS of gemini in his chart, if that means anything....
I don't know. blahhhh.

Ya so what's this thread about? I don't get it. Get your shit together. Stop worrying about him. He's there right?

When he's gone is when you should be making threads.

he gave you a warning tho, heed it.

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okay, thank you. this really helped. I just don't know whether I should still act like I've always acted or what! because I don't want to make him think I'm not improving myself, but I don't want him to think that I just don't care. because that's not true. AT ALL.

this is just two days old. and so I just posted because I want to know, so I can implement it, and have the best chances moving forward.

i've been with him for 9 months, what are you talking about?

ANYWAY, thanks all! All of your input helped. I'm just gonna focus on me, and not worry about him. Maybe in working on myself, he will see that I really would like to keep things going, and me going to work so hard is me showing him that I want to be better, and to keep him in my life.

Posted by Arietteheart

Posted by Deepduality
oh no, that was at the start of our relationship, and that actually ended really well. he was apologetic, a bit intoxicated, and completely disowned that chick for me.

Do you recognize how accommodating he was? He cut that woman off. He's not accommodating you anymore. I think you took advantage of it so he's taking it off the menu for you.

Do what he says and focus on yourself and prove you can keep your crazy in check. If he cares about you, he'll be there in the end.

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well, I disagree with him not being accomidating anymore, I just think my selifshness has really just been too much for him. I didn't mean to take advantage, I didn't even realize I was being so selfish until recently.


you're right though, and I'm gonna do just that.


Thanks everyone!!

Posted by CuteGem

Posted by Deepduality

Posted by CuteGem

Posted by Deepduality
I've been going to a therapist for 2 months.... I've already started to work on it on my own...in different ways. I mean I know it's been a problem for me.but I didn't realize it was taking a toll on my relationship, and because he wasnt explaining anything, I didn't put two and two together.

What does your therapist think about the relationship?

He thinks it's great for me, he's proud of the strides i've taken in the past month and is in contact with my cancer (has my permission of course)

I met with him yesterday, and he laid it out for me... because he talked to my cancer too.
he agrees that I need to focus on me right now, he agrees that it's good that we're gonna spend less time together, but also thinks that as long as I stick to improving myself we have a chance (he's not allowed to tell me what my cancer says, but he did say that he feels my cancer man really has a deep love for me, but is a bit overwhelmed by my recent bout of stubborness.)

You have your therapist working on you and can give you the best advice.
He knows both of you which is more accurate than here. You don't need extra advice.
I agree with your therapist that if you work on those issues then you stand a better chance to be with the crab.

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yeahhh, I know. it's just I saw him yesterday, and I'd have to wait a whole week to ask him these questions. so I just wanted some insight, and I've gotten it.


Thank you for your help

You shouldn't dump all your problems on a man until you're at least a year or more into the relationship.

And if you do share your problems, men are fixers. They act. They're not going to sympathize and just listen to you vent. If you share your problem with a man, you better heed his advice. Otherwise, he will get frustrated and think you don't respect his opinions.

Sounds like you have a lot of drama and it's too much for him.

But, you seem like you're making efforts to improve yourself and that's a good thing!! Whether it works out with this guy or not, you're going to be a better person by the time it's all said and done. Stay focused and work on you.

The relationship is more stable. If he's hung in there for a year, he's more likely in it for the long haul, for better or worse.

I didn't say not to share any of your problems before then, just not all of them. And it should be gradual. Like a small one here, a small one there. It gives him a chance to observe how you're going to deal with problems and adversity. Doing it gradually gives him a chance to have faith that you can overcome problems. Some people dump their problems too fast, too soon. That is too overwhelming and more likely to make someone think twice about whether they want to be with you.

I mean you have no idea, how our relationship has been, (he has known since BEFORE we started dating, the thins I've had to deal with in life.) he has dumped MANY of his problems on me, I just deal with it better because I've been through much more, so what seems real bad to him, isnt so bad to me. well you see I WOULD HAVE headed his advice sooner if I knew he wasnt just being harsh... it definitely took a LONG while for him to explain what he meant.. I just thought he was being mean, and didnt take it like I needed to work on something, just like I did something wrong in the moment... It's not "drama" because there is no scene. I've just been selfish and it's my own fault... Like I said though, and most of you. I just plan on working on me.

Hope you get things worked out. 🙂

Don't know what your problems are, but I know a lady who is an inspiration.
She was in and out of orphanages all her childhood and is the oldest of 11 kids, whom she played the mommy role for. Her family - parents/siblings, all of them and in and out of jail, on and off drugs, alcoholics, always broke. She married at 15 just to get out of the house to a man who ended up being abusive. She had no family to go to since they were more effed up that she was. At the age of 30, she walked away from it all.

Literaly, walked away from her family, her husband, her entire life. Moved out. Got a job. Got divorced. Forced to ignore her family. And she began to live life for herself problem free.

Now, she could sit and waller in self pity of not being loved while growing up. She could get on drugs and alcohol like her parents and siblings. She could live with the drama of her family always trying to pull her into their mess. She could stay with an abusive husband for security. But nope. She pulled herself up by the bootstraps and made her self a problem free life. Yes, she had to walk away from everything she ever had and ever known. She had the confidence and self esteem to do so.

Her story is very inspirational. Hope it helps.

it definitely is inspirational! Good for her, thanks for sharing the story!!



OKAY! I didn't see fit to post another topic, but I am confused, and need advice again......

So, my ex and I are gonna be at the same place for thanksgiving today, his house..... He still wants me to come. (I was just gonna go to my familys house) I can see that he really wants me to be there, but it's just confusing. because not only does he want me to be there, but he wants to "pretend like nothing happened." and act like we're a happy couple again.....he said, he's gonna hug me, act flirty with me, and even kiss me. (he's not even into pda very much) I said he doesn't have to do that if it's just for me. That he can just act like my friend or whatever.....(I just mean not going the extra to put that we're okay out there.) and he didn't respond to what I said, instead hours later texted me about something completely different.


so, I bought a new dress. Simple but does me justice.
I'm gonna laugh, talk to lots of people, be thankful,
give him notice, but still talk to all the people there.

""pretend like nothing happened." and act like we're a happy couple again.....he said, he's gonna hug me, act flirty with me, and even kiss me. (he's not even into pda very much) I said he doesn't have to do that if it's just for me. "

Pretend? Act? What happens after that? Do y'all go back to the confusion and the break? He's not doing that for you. It's solely for him. Now I'm curious as to how it all went and if anything changed afterward.?.?

yeah, well it was just weird... I acted like his friend.. I didnt kiss him or none of that, but he asked me to stay the night, so I did, but I slept on the couch in his room because I didn't want to give no mixed signals or anything like that. I didnt ask him questions about it at all, I just left in the morning while he was still sleeping and that it. I feel good about how it went