Need help dealing with Cancer Man

Hello,

So I don't know if this is the right place to go but I might be able to get some help here. I was in a very loving, intense, and devoted relationship with a cancer man from May-November, but recently we hit a really rough patch.

A little back-story: He is 24, didn't finish his education, and works at a restaurant. I am 19 and in the middle of college. We had been together for ~6 months and spent nearly every day together during the summer. I go to university in a town an hour away, so once school picked up again he would take the bus down to see me and I would drive up to see him and we would spend 3-4 nights per week together. Prior to this happening, our communication was always great and we were both very long-term oriented. And there was no giver or taker in the relationship, it felt pretty even.

This situation is very complicated and has played out over the course of a month or so, so I will try my best to condense it but there are many bits and pieces to it.

While he was over at my place at the beginning of November, we had smoked weed and so I made myself paranoid and I looked through his phone hoping that I would find nothing and it would give me peace of mind. I found a conversation on there where he had mentioned to someone that he had always wanted to sleep with them. The next day he took the bus home (he lives an hour away), and I messaged him about it after I had dropped him off. He denied sending the messages and said he didn't know how they got there.

The day after that he was unresponsive all day and finally only responded when I called him saying I was in town that night. He agreed to meet and talk, and that night he basically cried to me for two hours saying how much he loved me and wanted to build a life with me, and reiterated that he did not send the messages. I took him to work the next morning and that was when he began acting very, very distant. He would be active on other social media and not replying to my texts for hours.

He remained like this until I got into town the following Friday, and when we got together he expressed that he knew I was the one he wanted to be with, but that he wanted to take a year and focus on himself and not date around at all. I was resistant to this and wrote out a long message that he was very receptive to basically saying that we needed to learn how to grow together, and that this was our first chance to face a challenge as a couple, etc. - he didn't respond to my points in the message but after I read it to him he told me he loved me and we spent the night and next day together like normal. However, once I left he resumed the distant behavior. This was the week of Thanksgiving, and he stayed like that the whole week. Throughout the week he had mentioned that he needed space, so I tried my best to remain distant. But he was also sending mixed messages - for example, I told him I was going to go home early but then he asked me to stay. Before I went home, he had expressed that he needed more space to figure things out and that he just kept thinking about all he needed to get done for himself.

I gave him space as best I could but when I needed something, he was not touching base or being communicative with me at all, even when I expressed that I didn't know where he was at and that I was hurting and that all I needed was a conversation so that I knew where he was at. He continued being distant and not replying to any heart-felt messages of mine, but ignoring them and then sending a message 8+ hours or 1-2 days later like "Just wanted to say good night and I love you". So I decided to step back, put the ball entirely in his court, and see what happened. I didn't hear from him for about a week, and then he changed his relationship status on Facebook. I called him that night to ask what was going on, but again - no response. He deleted pictures of ours on social media, changed his relationship status, and said absolutely nothing to me. There was no fight, no communication, or any semblance of a break up. It's like he just dropped off the face of the earth. I have texted him and left him voicemails asking for some kind of clarification or explanation and have received nothing.

A little more background on him - He has had a hard life and has a history of running from relationships when they get hard. Substances have a big presence in his life. Him & his coworkers party a lot (go out and drink most nights). He smokes weed nearly every day, and has even told me that sometimes he feels the need to smoke in order to be himself. He did acid on Thanksgiving with his coworkers.

I guess I'm just confused how a relationship that was so loving, caring, respectful and devoted one moment could turn into a situation where he's basically emotionally neglecting me and being very cold and distant, then decides on his end to end the relationship without saying a word to me. When just a couple weeks before he was saying how he wanted to build a life, how he knew I was the one he wanted to be with, etc.

Is anyone able to shed some light on the situation here? An outside perspective would be very appreciated.

why does it seem like so many Cancer men do this? Keep your head up love ?❤

Posted by queenxleo
why does it seem like so many Cancer men do this? Keep your head up love ?❤

I think alot of signs do this same thing, its just Cancers leave evidence behind everywhere and we can be easy targets because most of our decisions CAN BE based on how we feel at that time.

If the attraction aint there it just aint there.

Posted by HighTide

Posted by queenxleo
why does it seem like so many Cancer men do this? Keep your head up love ?❤

I think alot of signs do this same thing, its just Cancers leave evidence behind everywhere and we can be easy targets because most of our decisions CAN BE based on how we feel at that time.

If the attraction aint there it just aint there.

click to expand

And when the attraction is there?

Me being a Leo, alot of my decisions used to based off how I felt at the time but I've learned to save myself from that kind of drama and regret.

Posted by queenxleo

Posted by HighTide

Posted by queenxleo
why does it seem like so many Cancer men do this? Keep your head up love ?❤

I think alot of signs do this same thing, its just Cancers leave evidence behind everywhere and we can be easy targets because most of our decisions CAN BE based on how we feel at that time.

If the attraction aint there it just aint there.

And when the attraction is there?

Me being a Leo, alot of my decisions used to based off how I felt at the time but I've learned to save myself from that kind of drama and regret.

click to expand

well yeah the regret is the worst part, it comes from not being assertive about how you feel and letting it bottle up. I dont think Leos have a problem with that lol

A little back-story: He is 24, didn't finish his education, and works at a restaurant. I am 19 and in the middle of college. We had been together for ~6 months and spent nearly every day together during the summer. I go to university in a town an hour away, so once school picked up again he would take the bus down to see me and I would drive up to see him and we would spend 3-4 nights per week together. Prior to this happening, our communication was always great and we were both very long-term oriented. And there was no giver or taker in the relationship, it felt pretty even.



Well it sounds like a situation I would like as a Cancer myself. No problem there





While he was over at my place at the beginning of November, we had smoked weed and so I made myself paranoid and I looked through his phone hoping that I would find nothing and it would give me peace of mind. I found a conversation on there where he had mentioned to someone that he had always wanted to sleep with them. The next day he took the bus home (he lives an hour away), and I messaged him about it after I had dropped him off. He denied sending the messages and said he didn't know how they got there.

The day after that he was unresponsive all day and finally only responded when I called him saying I was in town that night. He agreed to meet and talk, and that night he basically cried to me for two hours saying how much he loved me and wanted to build a life with me, and reiterated that he did not send the messages. I took him to work the next morning and that was when he began acting very, very distant. He would be active on other social media and not replying to my texts for hours. [





He felt bad because he probably wanted to build a life with you down the line but he can't just erase all his options at that point. I mean we are use to people giving up on us and we don't like not having anyone. It really is nothing personal, its just protective. Its not like the sex we have with that person means any more to us, its just...options.. for a potential fallout



I gave him space as best I could but when I needed something, he was not touching base or being communicative with me at all, even when I expressed that I didn't know where he was at and that I was hurting and that all I needed was a conversation so that I knew where he was at. He continued being distant and not replying to any heart-felt messages of mine, but ignoring them and then sending a message 8+ hours or 1-2 days later like "Just wanted to say good night and I love you". So I decided to step back, put the ball entirely in his court, and see what happened. I didn't hear from him for about a week, and then he changed his relationship status on Facebook. I called him that night to ask what was going on, but again - no response. He deleted pictures of ours on social media, changed his relationship status, and said absolutely nothing to me. There was no fight, no communication, or any semblance of a break up. It's like he just dropped off the face of the earth. I have texted him and left him voicemails asking for some kind of clarification or explanation and have received nothing.





This was a test, this is the kind of test that gets us in trouble, we can be cruel in this test its true and it sucks when it is on people that don't deserve its full wrath. I can tell you this though its seems like it stems from jealousy on his part, he feels like he has to get this side of him out of the way before it goes further because he senses you are a more grounded person than him and that makes him feel vlunerable. He has to see how you react in super emotionally dense situations where he basically acts shitty to see if you like the idea of him or want to take it down the rabbit hole. Ride or Die type situation. I mean if you can somehow get past this part and show your like I aint going anywhere and mean it he is going to back off at some point. He is going to ignore you to keep you interested even though he is secretly thinking about you.

Somehow Fionna Apple has this game we do figured out on some level and is able to put it into words. You do have to be a shadowboxer with us in some ways



Best Wishes, I hope you feel better.

Seems pretty clear that he is attracted to

someone else. Attracted to you, but also someone else. You caught him and he can't admit to it and doesn't want to face you.

How do you not know how a message ended up on your phone?

He probably can't face a lot of things and escapes into substance abuse. Do you want to get dragged into that? I get that you love him, but love doesn't save those people. They need to want to save themselves.

You're better off having some distance. Be around for him, but don't get so close that he can turn you into an enabler.

Posted by HighTide

Posted by queenxleo

Posted by HighTide

Posted by queenxleo
why does it seem like so many Cancer men do this? Keep your head up love ?❤

I think alot of signs do this same thing, its just Cancers leave evidence behind everywhere and we can be easy targets because most of our decisions CAN BE based on how we feel at that time.

If the attraction aint there it just aint there.

And when the attraction is there?

Me being a Leo, alot of my decisions used to based off how I felt at the time but I've learned to save myself from that kind of drama and regret.

well yeah the regret is the worst part, it comes from not being assertive about how you feel and letting it bottle up. I dont think Leos have a problem with that lol

click to expand

Omg I literally was thinking that about Cancers. And no me being a Leo I'm very assertive. I'm kinda going through a similar situation with my Cancer disappearing on me and I know its from miscommunication and keeping feelings and insecurities inside.

You never held him accountable for his actions. He denied everything and swept your questions under the rug by declaring 'I love you, your the only one for me, blah blah blah'. Obvious lies that you eagerly swallowed.

He played you.

OP, if your relationship was so loving and everything was perfect, why did you went throu of his mobile? dont say it was just the weed you were smoking....

you must have known something is going on, why would you snoop otherwise?

so I think, you are not telling us everything

then... he asked for space and you bombarded him with long heart-felt messages, voicemails - just reading about your actions exhausted me, I am sorry to say....

If I would send a long heart-fealt message (let alone more of them!) I would give time to the other party to react, they have to think about it, assess their own feelings and most importantly, put their own feelings to words..

you pressed him to give you an instant answer... you said yourself, he is smoking weed often, so if he is in his "state of mind", trying to figure out, what he feels, trying to "feel out" the situation, its not helping if you are constantly bombarding him for an instant answer...

if he was deciding between you and somebody else, then you with your unreasonable behaviour may helped him to choose to be alone or with somebody else...

maybe he didnt feel adequate to you (you doing college, he a drop-out... maybe he thinks about all the possible other guys, fellow students who you hang out...) cancers are quite unreasonable with their jealousy, topped with weed-inflicted paranoia

I dont know what to do at this point.... but you are a bit draining, sorry.. what is your sign? 🙂

Posted by br_3993


A little more background on him - He has had a hard life and has a history of running from relationships when they get hard. Substances have a big presence in his life. Him & his coworkers party a lot (go out and drink most nights). He smokes weed nearly every day, and has even told me that sometimes he feels the need to smoke in order to be himself. He did acid on Thanksgiving with his coworkers.

.

My question for you would be this, why would you want a relationship with a guy who drinks most nights, smokes weed almost each day and ingores and pushed your buttons like that? Could you live with that all your life living with him? You might expect him to change or something, but that's selfish of you, you either love him as he is or you don't , either way love isn't the main thing in relationships, there has to be respect, trust and honesty with each other, from what you wrote from my point of view it doesn't seem like he respects you or either loves you, take away the words, actions show the face of a person , not cheap words that people throw around like nothing. If a person who doesn't value you, respects you and treats you like he did left, it's a gain, not a loss. You might feel bad because you love him, but he doesn't deserve you, goodluck moving on and stop thinking about him.

? Who likes losers like this guy? Just no excuse for his behaviour. Also, no excuse for you to chase such a "catch" like him.

It's not uncommon for cancers to cheat. I think they stop cheating and flirting with others after their hearts been broken for the first time.