Cap guy and Cancer girl

I'm 40ish Cancer girl dating a 40ish Cap guy (VERY typical Cap) for over a year. I thought by our age we would have it all figured out?? Guess not. History is...dated about 11 years ago for several mths. Things ended b/c neither wanted anything further...I guess...as we NEVER "talked". I was raising my 7 yr old at the time, so was in mommy mode and didn't let it bother me too much. He married shortly after, but we kept in contact thru emails a few times a year. I had quit emailing over the last couple of years b/c he was married and figured it was time to quit wondering about him.

Well..he emails me out of the blue. Yes, he's getting a divorce. I'm embarrassed to admit I had not really dated since him. He was sooo smoldering attractive to me, along with being smart, talented, nice & polite. I'm a little strange when it comes to being attracted to a guy. I hardly find one, so when I do, I really do! & being a Cancer, find it hard to let go (emotionally). I was in shock we had re-connected & when we first met, again, the attraction was instant, still, after that many years for both.

Dilemma is we see each other only about 3x a mth. He works long hours 6 days/week & I have my son (though he's 17) to finish raising. He's a high maint.kid & dad is a nut job, so not as easy to begin my own life, like I s/b at this age.

I can't tell if Cap is ok with this or not. Tried to bring it up a couple times, but he just says, "that's the way it is". We could see each more and he knows this, but doesn't pursue it. I've expressed how hard it is for me to continue this way and hinted about not doing it any longer (b/c I really can't give much more either). He says he can't give any more, but doesn't want to "move on". I gave him the out to do that, and he didn't take it. Or at least, that's how he wanted me to take it, I guess. He texts me every day and if I don't text within a day he asks where I've been?

I guess from you Caps, what's your opinion? Is he just keeping me around for some "fun" when I'm available (I would be crushed if that's all he thought of me) OR is he really so damaged from his marriage and isn't sure what to do now? That's about all he'll tell me...is that he just doesn't know what to do now, "day to day", that's what he says. If he dates others, I don't know it. He almost always texts me what's he doing. So the few times he doesn't, I just sit here and wonder. I feel like an idiot, at this age, to fret over a boy...

Posted by protector
I guess from you Caps, what's your opinion? Is he just keeping me around for some "fun" when I'm available (I would be crushed if that's all he thought of me) OR is he really so damaged from his marriage and isn't sure what to do now? That's about all he'll tell me...is that he just doesn't know what to do now, "day to day", that's what he says. If he dates others, I don't know it. He almost always texts me what's he doing. So the few times he doesn't, I just sit here and wonder. I feel like an idiot, at this age, to fret over a boy...

I dont think it's eithier Capricorns like to take the slow........and your not a idiot relax it should be this way. When you start feeling butterflies and other things something or somebody is doing something right. Also due to the recent divorce he could be moving slower

Getting a divorce? Or is divorced? Only see him 3x's a week? Sounds fishy to me so be careful and make sure you are not the OTHER woman. Also has any formalities happened yet like meeting his family and friends? Or is he keep you a secret by keeping you all to himself? You are not an idiot, idiot's don't self reflect or seek insight.

Divorced for sure. He's open about letting me know that. I go to his house when we see each other and very obvious he's a single guy. Have not met family, but there is no family here. They are out of state and he hasn't seen them in years himself. He talks some about the reasons why. He takes me to all his regular restaurants he goes to every week (being a single guy, he eats out nearly every evening), so he's not "hiding" me. He seems to like being a loner of some sort, but I know he's lonely...does that make sense? 3x a mth...I know not much. Seeing each other during the week is nearly impossible. I have my son and all that entails and he works until at least 7 almost every night and has a very stressful job. So I see him only on weekends I don't have my son. I could do a little more (not much though) and he seems to know that, so this is part of why I question what he thinks about me.

My biggest concern is that I'm just "good enough" for now. If that's what I am, I want to end it, so I can get over the heartache on my own terms before he decides what he wants, and it's not me. His only claim is he thought he knew where he was going, what he wanted, etc...until the divorce and now he just wants to simplify and go day to day. Am i day to day?!?

When we first re-connected I could tell he was excited and expressed things like, "what were we thinking 10 years ago". I guess meaning we gave up too soon??

I don't know...I just know I really like him, he won't express much and I am trying to figure out how to preserve my integrity and prevent getting hurt. It's hard to keep seeing him not knowing exactly how he feels and he won't talk. I guess I'm the only one who can decide when I've had enough of the Cap silence. If I do decide to stop contact, I guess I'll know by his reaction.

Posted by protector
My biggest concern is that I'm just "good enough" for now.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh well ask him this don't cramp his space but tell him some things have been bothering you and you really need to talk about it. And your not try to rush anything or make him feel pressed but you need some closure.

Protector I'm wondering why you are placing so much of your whole life into this one man's hands? There are other men out there that would love to date you I'm sure of it and I guess what bothers me is that you said yourself you haven't done much dating for 10 years, I mean damn that's a long dry spell, it almost feel like you have been "waiting" holding your breath all this time for this man to show up and now that he's back you are 100 steps ahead of him and now putting pressure on him and yourself b/c you're anxious about the future and he's okay with things just the way they are, this is bound to create conflict in the relationship sooner than later. I see so many women do this emotionally torturous dance with themselves and end up dumped because the immense pressure placed on the relationship through her myopic view that this man is going to add value to her life and make her whole and complete...IT'S NOT REAL, this view literally can kill relationships before they start.

My suggestion is to relax, try your hand at dating other men or flirting with other men to keep you focused on YOU and not him, the way it's going right now if you don't change how you are approaching this relationship he'll most likely end things with you, I've seen it time and time again. You don't need his permission to figure out what's best for you, what's best for you isn't related to anything he's doing or saying.

Give yourself a chance to get to know him and observe through your interactions what he's all about, if you notice he's truly not ready then either be okay with that or slow down, stop seeing him 3x's a month, see him 1 or 2x's a month and reserve that extra day to go out on a date with someone else or if your not comfortable with that use that day to explore your own individual interest, it's very important that you DON'T make this man your whole reason for being in this short amount of time, I know it's hard because it appeared he was gungho and he reeled you in with that but now you see it wasn't real, he's slowed down and appears not so interested in developing things past day by day with you so take the focus off of him and his wants and shift the focus back onto yourself or you'll end up placing too much pressure on your cap and the relationship will dissolve and I know you don't want that.

"His only claim is he thought he knew where he was going, what he wanted, etc...until the divorce and now he just wants to simplify and go day to day. Am i day to day?!?"

And that's your answer, he doesn't want a relationship (right now) with you and of course that could change as things grow and develop but for now he's taking it day to day and if that's not okay with you then get out now.

Instead of you moving ahead of him with your feelings SLOW DOWN, stop yourself and get back into reality, he doesn't want to place his attention on developing anything serious with you right now, he's not available for that, he has old wounds to nurture from his own failure due to his divorce, he has a lot of baggage to sort out and thus you aren't a priority right now so placing so much value on your feelings for him will not create the relationship you want but can end things with him, instead try looking at things realistically and the best way IMO is to do that is to make sure your life is more balanced between yourself, child and him.

" I guess I'm the only one who can decide when I've had enough of the Cap silence. If I do decide to stop contact, I guess I'll know by his reaction."

Very true, you are the only one that can decide, you're an adult and you decide what's best for you not him, he won't help you with that decision. You don't have to cut him out completely but what you can do is make sure you are not placing all the focus on him because right now he's not interested in being in your spotlight. Try to relax and enjoy what you have together and maybe consider getting back out there in the dating scene to develop your dating skills which can help you tremendously with learning how to take care of your needs without placing too much pressure on that one person, the ONLY person in your life. I can almost promise you if you do that he'll most likely be more forthcoming with his feelings b/c he won't feel pressured to do it. If dating other men, flirting with other men is just not an option then try developing other hobbies that you are passionate about, you truly need something or someone else to focus other than him for this relationship to thrive and survive.

Tiki, I'm hardly "placing my whole life in this guys hands". Placing all my affections in this guy, yes, maybe. I'm not looking for marriage or even living together. I'm somewhat of a loner myself and can't see myself living with anyone. However, I do want a committed relationship with someone who's ok with that type of relationship. Committed but separate..seems good to me! I'm good with seeing someone a couple of times a week, but knowing we are there for each other and not looking for anything else. Is that having your cake and eating it too?? My life is very full, probably too full and I honestly don't know how I would be able/willing to take on a traditional type relationship.

Maybe I should try and date other guys, but like I said previously, I'm a little weird in that area; attraction is hard for me to come by. I'm not ever actively looking, as it's not that important to me. So again, like I said before, when it happens to me, it's a big deal that I can't shake easily. I agree this is probably not an asset, as I have not given many great guys a chance.

I don't pressure him at all. In over a year I've only attempted a "talk" 2 or 3 times. I don't consider that pressure.

I have my own life and friends and so does he. We just don't merge them much. I'm fearful to do that...hate change and don't know what he's thinking, so am even more tentative to attempt that.

I was just wanting some insight from some Caps as to what else he may be thinking, since he's mute on his feelings. That's all. I usually have a clear head about these things, but I do admit my extreme attraction to him (not just physical) stunts my ability to end it.

I heard something that's kinda interesting. The thing that you found so attractive in the beginning ends up being a negative....I found his strong, silent, proper personality so attractive. Am I finding strong and silent is not so great, no matter the reason why?

Article...that's what I attempted to do a couple of mths ago. I told him he could move on if he needed because it was too hard for me to keep seeing him not knowing what he wants and me being fearful of getting hurt. He just said something to the effect of he didn't understand why i felt I had to quit seeing him and he's not wanting to move on. That's it. I, of course, let him off the hook with that short reply and dropped it. Maybe that's all I should expect/deserve, given I can't give too much more either. I just want more communication from him, not a lot, just some declaration of what I am to him. I guess I get that, good and bad, thru his actions...

"Tiki, I'm hardly "placing my whole life in this guys hands". Placing all my affections in this guy, yes, maybe."

Sure appear like you are, 6 months and you are fretting over the relationship. Relax

"I'm not looking for marriage or even living together. I'm somewhat of a loner myself and can't see myself living with anyone. However, I do want a committed relationship with someone who's ok with that type of relationship. Committed but separate..seems good to me! I'm good with seeing someone a couple of times a week, but knowing we are there for each other and not looking for anything else. Is that having your cake and eating it too?? My life is very full, probably too full and I honestly don't know how I would be able/willing to take on a traditional type relationship. "

That is not what he wants right now, you can choose to accept that and relax or stop seeing him so much and shift some of your extra energy into developing your social life.

Right now you have a narrow view with only him as an option and that can only translate over to a man as PRESSURE especially when he's day to day and you want something more exclusive, you become his opponent because you won't different things and to eliminate the pressure take 1 day out of the 3 and begin to open up your social life and go out and have some fun with a girl friend, sharpen your flirting skills, be open for new adventure, if dating or flirting isn't an option then go have some fun and pursue a hobby like belly dancing or take a course in something fun so you won't place so much of your hopes on a guy that isn't looking at anything long term with you. Knowing that you have options keeps you from putting your emotions and affections 100% in his hands, he's not ready (yet).

"I'm a little weird in that area; attraction is hard for me to come by."

That's a really lame excuse. I don't date because I have fickle attraction triggers, give men a chance, give yourself a chance, you appear to be rejecting men before you actually go out with anyone, yes there are men out there you won't feel chemistry and attraction for right away but hell can you at least get past date 1 or 2 before dumping the guy even before he actually show up for the date LOL.

"I don't pressure him at all. In over a year I've only attempted a "talk" 2 or 3 times. I don't consider that pressure."

If he's not the one initiating these "talks" then it's pressure.

"I was just wanting some insight from some Caps as to what else he may be thinking, since he's mute on his feelings. That's all. I usually have a clear head about these things, but I do admit my extreme attraction to him (not just physical) stunts my ability to end it."

I understand but do you really need to know what he's thinking, gosh that just reeks needy which let's me know that you are putting your whole life in his hands or why else would you want to know what he's thinking.

You don't have to end it, you just have to focus on getting a social life beyond him, sometimes when a man senses he has all of you before he's actually ready to commit he'll just STOP, he'll stop trying to impress you, he'll stop chasing you, he'll just stall all attempts at moving forward but when you have a life beyond him there is always this element that you are just out of reach and he has to DO something to keep you in the relationship with him.

There is no coercing a Capricorn man into doing anything, you have to be unafraid to lose him or you'll lose him anyway.

You have this myopic view that this ONE man is going to complete you or add happiness to your dull drab busy life or add value to your life or you wouldn't put up with being his FWB, women don't stick around for half of a relationship unless she feel it's some kind of pay off.

He have you by the female balls, you are too afraid to lose him and your LOSING, he see that your too afraid to leave and b/c of that he wields all the power, if your smart you'll begin to shift some of the focus back onto you and take a bit of extra time to develop a great social life beyond him and by social I don't mean work and kid functions and sitting at home flipping the channel, I mean getting out and having a great fun time, things will change for the positive for sure if you do that, you won't worry so much about him when you start dating and having a great time without him.

sorry said 6 months...correction meant to say over a year

Analyzing a man never resolves anything, unless you both share an emotional connection which it appears you don't have that connection yet since he's not opening up to you well he won't be open/receptive to anything you have to say to him about how you feel about the relationship, he will shut you down because he's not in a place were your wants and feelings are important to him (yet). Get out of your head analyzing, get into your heart so you both can CONNECT.

It's okay to tell a man what you want for yourself and how what you want makes you feel and it's even okay to tell a man what you don't want as long as you don't make him feel like he's the one that has to change your feelings or be responsible for your happiness but you have to be prepared to fulfill your own happiness once you do that.

protector:

I highly suggest you watch this video. Saw it last night and it deals with your situation. Its a "dating life coach" of sorts, and he shares how a woman should speak to a man about they both want from their relationship. It is gold....good luck.

Tiki, I do appreciate you taking time and trying to help...but, you are a little over the top with the get your own life theme. I do have an active life and it's not "dull and drab". I was going along just fine when he unexpectedly came back into my life. Because I do like him, I have been trying to figure out where he fits into my life & what he wants. I'm not the best at confronting issues with someone, especially with a guy. I simply wanted some Cap insight.

Thx BGP for the video...I have actually thought about approaching a talk like this. Just don't have the "female balls" as Tiki says, to bring it up again. After all, I have tried a whopping 2 or 3 times in over a year and that's considered pressure when we communicate every day??

Posted by protector
Article...that's what I attempted to do a couple of mths ago. I told him he could move on if he needed because it was too hard for me to keep seeing him not knowing what he wants and me being fearful of getting hurt. He just said something to the effect of he didn't understand why i felt I had to quit seeing him and he's not wanting to move on. That's it. I, of course, let him off the hook with that short reply and dropped it. Maybe that's all I should expect/deserve, given I can't give too much more either. I just want more communication from him, not a lot, just some declaration of what I am to him. I guess I get that, good and bad, thru his actions...

In my case when girls catch feelings to quick I leave, relationships should be smooth and natural. Usually when I see girls get to that point I pull them off to the side and tell them how I feel so we can move over that hump. The best thing you can do in this case is relax I am very in tune to things therefore I move forward to kill obstacles he on the other hand doesn't seem to want to take this extra "step". In his case his actions speak louder then his mouth which is good. The best thing you can do is take your emotions out of it no need for hurt and pain just chill. On the flipside of this some things aren't meant to be but that's up for you to decide.

LOL@Protector but yeah you really do need to get a life, to admit not dating other men for that long puts you in a serious position to be taken for granted by a man....

I know what I've said rings true just by how you are reacting by my statement, I'm not attacking so no need to be defensive,

You've put yourself in a were you feel like you have absolutely no voice and no real bargaining power in how the relationship will develop and you did that to yourself. You like many other women that come to this site will for whatever reason give all your power away through your own decision to give this ONE man your heart and date him without a formal commitment, but what many women realize sooner rather than later is being in that kind of position is a very hard position for a woman to be stuck in and there is nothing you can do but RELAX and see how it develops or get out of it.

Picking his feelings apart and analyzing him won't help you understand him but it will keep you feeling disconnected from your man. You put yourself in a situation that isn't conducive to what you would like to happen and now you're seeking advice on how he's feeling, I bet you can't see how futile it is to try and understand his feelings and yet understanding your own feelings is the key to your answer.

ArticleL is right. Relax, stop worrying about him and his feelings, your happiness shouldn't be dependent on him giving you a relationship and yet the most important part about this is YOU, if you're not happy with yourself when you're around him and if you're not happy with how he makes you feel about yourself when you're around him then yes consider leaving him or at the least consider spending less time with him.

Instead of trying to figure him out, figure yourself out first, follow your heart, your feelings and you'll have your answer on what's going on in the relationship, it's about you not him.

That Matt Boggs video is great, a woman has to have an emotional connection for that kind of conversation to go well with her man with that being said,try to broach things his way and then update us on what your cap says about it.

Tiki, not being overly defensive. Just clarifying the reason I came to a Cap board. Is "having a life" only about dating men?? I would have gone to a dating forum if I wanted generals about dating.

Posted by Suport
My advice dear girl, my advice would be to be patient! Because its a good quality for humans to aquire!
Actually, come to think of it, what is the down side of waiting?

Agreed, and the downside to waiting is waiting forever.

^ Hopefully.

Hey suport...I've been having a secret love affair with EP too!! He didn't know it either, lol. Hmmmm, did I know I have natural affections for Cap guys? Thx...Cap insights, that was I was looking for. Part of me feels really silly thinking in terms of "signs", but for our respective signs and how we relate, it seems on target.

Article...I can wait forever, as long as he doesn't find anyone else, ha!

Posted by protector
Article...I can wait forever, as long as he doesn't find anyone else, ha!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh so cute you go girl :p

LOL I get your point, you don't see the correlation between your behavior (not dating for years and years) and accepting a imaginary relationship only to come full circle in realizing you don't have a real commitment something you should have noticed from the start and thus pushing yourself into a position to feel him out and "ask" for a relationship which is a weak position to be in the first place, your whole vibe has to shift for anything good to come out of your situation.

I wish you luck and keep us updated on your progress, the Matt guy gave some great insight on how to change your vibe and frame your approach differently, Arti and Suport gave some great insight so hopefully you'll have a break through with your guy, err on the side of caution as Suport stated "be patient" and Arti "relax".

Good luck!

Oh gosh Mel Gibson is a complete wreck and if that is the standard capricorn you all have to reckon with well I'll pray for ya'll LMAO!!

Posted by tiki33
I wish you luck and keep us updated on your progress, the Matt guy gave some great insight on how to change your vibe and frame your approach differently, Arti and Suport gave some great insight so hopefully you'll have a break through with your guy, err on the side of caution as Suport stated "be patient" and Arti "relax".

Good luck!

Agreed good luck and don't just listen to one person's advice listen to us all and depict what is relevant and not as you bring it to your real life behind that bright ass computer screen :p And update to let me know if I have to come whoop somebodies ass. -.-

Article...thx for the advice and the offer of assistance, lol

Np. :p