Capricorn Sun, Scorpio Moon - addictions?

Hi! I've been lurking on the boards for a few months now and I really enjoy the stories, questions and advice of the contributors. I really appreciate how you all keep it blunt and real and present your truths in an open manner.

Before I present my story, I will give the big 5 of our charts:

Me 40 yr old, divorced, professional, successful, independent:
Sun - Virgo
Moon - Pisces
Mercury - Libra
Mars - Gemini
Venus - Leo

Him 43 yr old, never married, professional, successful. independent:
Sun - Capricorn
Moon - Scorpio
Mercury - Sagitarius
Mars - Aries
Venus - Aquarius

Our background: We met just as my divorce was being finalized. We shared a connection instantly; our first date was easy, fun and we felt very comfortable with each other. After that night, he texted/called me wanting to go out again, but since I was newly divorced, I wanted some time for myself to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of this new chapter in my life. I had evolved and I wanted to get back to being "me" again. In the meantime, I dated and learned my new wants and needs. Our next contact was over a year later when he found me on FB and we connected. He asked if we could go out again and I accepted. Again, the connection was amazing! I met his best friends and he opened up to me about some fears, etc. It was passionate and he brought up marriage and how he missed me. He seemed a little "needy" even. I was a little taken aback about that because he is sort of a high-powered bachelor. I could tell that he REALLY wanted to persue something serious with me. It had been over four months since my last relationship and over 9 months since his last relationship whenever he hooked up again. Currently, we go on high end dates and he treats me like a queen. We've been dating consistently for the last 3 months. We never go a day without texts and/or phone calls. He goes out of his way to maintain a connection with me. We are very good friends. Things are going slower than I had been used to in the previous year, but I have been very good at talking myself down from the ledge and not pressuring him; I don't want to screw this up. One of the neatest things about this connection is that we both understand each other's need for space and intropection; we instinctively know when to back off from each other. But whenever we do, we can't wait to see each other again. We're both intoverts, so that adds to the understanding between us.

My concerns: (1) he drinks consistently. Since we are open and honest with each other, I've asked about it. He says that he NEEDS to drink in order to slow his brain down because he thinks about things constantly and also to help him sleep. I've seen the effects of this on him physically and I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. (2) I understand that he is a bachelor and all, but he has lots of porn channels and he has slideshows of naked women as a screensaver on his laptop. From what I've observed, it's like he's

a subconscious level; it's not a concerted effort to view and engage in watching and looking at the porn. Which leads to (3): he has made "gentle" comments about my body and I think that this is coming from his expectation of what the "perfect" body should look like based on the images that he constantly sees while viewing his porn. Whenever he does make the comments, I "gently" push back and let him know that I am not like those women and although I do workout regularly, my goal is not to look like the women that he sees on his porn media.

Question: Should I or at what point should I be concerned? Being the Virgo that I am, I have made "gentle" comments about things that I've seen and he doesn't seem insulted or bothered by them. I've read that Capricorns and Scorpios are going to do whatever they want to regardless of comments suggesting that they do otherwise. I care for him and I just want him to be healthy and happy and to be at his best...being the Virgo that I am :-)

Red flag number one:
"he brought up marriage"
If I don't misunderstand your post, that happened veeery quickly! Be very careful!

Red flag number two:
"he drinks consistently" and "He says that he NEEDS to drink"
Imo, don't start anything with this man unless and until he has figured himself out first - the man has issues.

About the porn, I'm not sure if it's a red flag or not, but it could very well be.

Is he looking for a quick-fix(you) for his problems?

Imo.

at 43 y/o, youre going to have to accept this man as he is. This isnt a spring chicken anymore. He has his ways about him and so do you. He doesnt want to be fixed.

either buy what he's selling or dont. 🙂

Proceed with caution and move very slowly with this, like put in a little distance, give yourself some space and get some perspective, sometimes we can't see things when we are in the middle of them, but if you are posting on this forum, you already know you need to be concerned.

Yeah, he's talked about marriage during the heat of passionate AND during talking seriously. He has even shared that he is afraid of being hurt. Now, mind you, I'm not the one who brings up marriage; he does. We'll be talking and relaxing together and he will say something like, "Is this what marriage is like? Is this what married people do?" It's like he's scared because he doesn't know what to expect and he can't control the outcome or something.

The drinking has me very worried. I've asked him what was the longest time he's went without drinking. He said a month. I don't know if he's doing it because he is a glutton/indulgent of earthly pleasures (which he is; he likes the finer things in life) or if he is using it to cope with something more sinister.

I've never thought of it that way, that he is looking to me as a fix for his problems....somebody to help/inspire him to transform into someone else, someone happier?. To take his "issues" away...

Posted by DMV
at 43 y/o, youre going to have to accept this man as he is. This isnt a spring chicken anymore. He has his ways about him and so do you. He doesnt want to be fixed.

either buy what he's selling or dont. 🙂

I agree in a general sense, but 43-year-olds are quite capable of quitting drinking if they choose to, I'm sure. Not all, ofc, but some... 🙂

Posted by DMV
at 43 y/o, youre going to have to accept this man as he is. This isnt a spring chicken anymore. He has his ways about him and so do you. He doesnt want to be fixed.

either buy what he's selling or dont. 🙂

Whoa......... hey now 43 is still a spring chicken, lets not get carried away......... ok maybe not spring, maybe more like a summer chicken! 😄

DMV - I've been thinking along those lines too; I have to accept him as is or don't. there are no gray areas here. But if he has a problem, he should definitely seek help. And I'm not sure what approach to take.

TaurusInTexas - you're right, that's why I'm posting here. I can easily get caught up and sometimes can't see what is obvious, especially if I develop feelings for a person

Posted by WateryVirgo
Yeah, he's talked about marriage during the heat of passionate AND during talking seriously. He has even shared that he is afraid of being hurt. Now, mind you, I'm not the one who brings up marriage; he does. We'll be talking and relaxing together and he will say something like, "Is this what marriage is like? Is this what married people do?" It's like he's scared because he doesn't know what to expect and he can't control the outcome or something.

The drinking has me very worried. I've asked him what was the longest time he's went without drinking. He said a month. I don't know if he's doing it because he is a glutton/indulgent of earthly pleasures (which he is; he likes the finer things in life) or if he is using it to cope with something more sinister.

I've never thought of it that way, that he is looking to me as a fix for his problems....somebody to help/inspire him to transform into someone else, someone happier?. To take his "issues" away...

I'm going to generalise and say that if he drinks constantly and has not been without a drink for more than a month, the guy is an alcoholic. If I were to guess, I'd say he drinks to somehow cope with his life. Imo, you should be worried.

Problem with you as his quick-fix is that, imo, if he wants to "fix" himself, he is going to need to do it on his own - he can not be dependent on you for this. What happens if you went together and then broke up, for instance. Again, imo, he needs to be strong enough within himself to be able to cope with a potential break up. You can push him into a good direction, but you can not be responsible for his health.

HappyCapper - I agree; what is he running away from? what's eating at him? I definitely don't want to be someone's savior. That's too heavy of a cross to bare.

And lately, I've noticed that whenever I take it upon myself to leave (after spending a large amount of time together), he gets anxious and jumsp up and says something like, "I don't leave me, don't go". And then I'd hug him and laugh it off. It just strikes me in a weird way because he has built up this larger than life, high-powered image and for me to see him so vulnerable throws me off a bit.

Hmm...I'm thinking that although I will remain in contact, maybe I can make it "soft" contact for the next dew days, so that I can step back from things a little. His birthday is this weekend, so maybe if we can get some quiet time, I can have a serious heart to heart with him.

Posted by WateryVirgo
Hmm...I'm thinking that although I will remain in contact, maybe I can make it "soft" contact for the next dew days, so that I can step back from things a little. His birthday is this weekend, so maybe if we can get some quiet time, I can have a serious heart to heart with him.

I think a heart to heart is an excellent idea, since you can be so open with each other. But on his birthday? I know I'd prefer it in his shoes, rather than have it glossed over and then brought up later, but many wouldn't, I think, so it's difficult. But maybe not for you who know him better, so you probably know much better how to handle it.

God luck to you! 🙂

Ha! Well, maybe not on his birthday, but definitely within the next week. I don't believe in letting things linger and fester. If he is receptive to what I have to say, then Ill stick around for a little bit. If not, I'll ease my way out in the name of self preservation and move on. Makes me really sad though; we have such a good connection.

At this point, I'm just trying to figure out my conversational approach; I don't want the mood to be dark and gloomy but then I don't what it to be a light hearted, humorous thing either. And I certainly don't want to come across as bossy or ultimatum-like.

Thanks for the feedback!

***UPDATE***

Since my last post on this thread, I've learned that my now ex cappy has Asperger's and was using alcohol to cope with his discomfort in dealing with various social interactions. My emotional needs with him were not being met; I felt neglected actually. I understand that he didn't intend for me to feel that way, but I had to break it off as a matter of self preservation. I still love and care for him and I let him know that and I did offer my friendship.

Can't help feeling a little guilty about this. He is a good person. :-/

There were way too many red flags so you're better off w/o him.

My concerns: (1) he drinks consistently. Since we are open and honest with each other, I've asked about it. He says that he NEEDS to drink in order to slow his brain down because he thinks about things constantly and also to help him sleep. I've seen the effects of this on him physically and I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. (2) I understand that he is a bachelor and all, but he has lots of porn channels and he has slideshows of naked women as a screensaver on his laptop. From what I've observed, it's like he's"


he must be airy as well as watery. I notice this trend with watery/airy guys where they are constantly THINKING, so they need to slow down and drink.

maybe something he needs to get help from the doctor, like a prescription drug.

the deal with him looking at porn is a big concern. I didn't realize so many men have so many porn addictions, but now I see/hear from you ladie's concern.

***UPDATE***

Since my last post on this thread, I've learned that my now ex cappy has Asperger's and was using alcohol to cope with his discomfort in dealing with various social interactions. My emotional needs with him were not being met; I felt neglected actually. I understand that he didn't intend for me to feel that way, but I had to break it off as a matter of self preservation. I still love and care for him and I let him know that and I did offer my friendship.

Can't help feeling a little guilty about this. He is a good person. :-/

==


if you want to save him, that's not the way to go. and I agree, too many red flags.

Yeah, it hurts but I've already been gone through a marriage of ten years where my emotions needs weren't being met. So there's no way that I'm going through that kind of situation again.

He did text me today that there were no hard feelings from his end, so that makes me feel good about things.

Posted by WateryVirgo
Yeah, it hurts but I've already been gone through a marriage of ten years where my emotions needs weren't being met. So there's no way that I'm going through that kind of situation again.

He did text me today that there were no hard feelings from his end, so that makes me feel good about things.

I don't blame you.

and that's good that he made the effort to text you about that.