My GOAT Lost IT!!

So, last night I scared myself when I completely lost it on my soon-to-be ex-husband and now I'm feeling bad. 😢

After 7 years, I decided to file for divorce a few months ago. Since then, he (a Libra) has been asking me WHY— I feel like I'm talking to the wall. And honestly, I had been saying the reasons over and over and over for years. But I was at the end of my rope last night and it just sorta spewed out.

My crazy rant went something like this:

I'm sick of asking for my needs to be met and you getting to them...after yours are met...You will NEVER change.....pick a damn career and stick wih it damn it!....HIM: It's not that easy for me blah blah blah. ME: And that reminds me....I really don't CARE how difficult things are for you, things are difficult for me and everybody else but guess what, I suck it up and go on. Then I went for the jugular .... ME: You always say you want to be the man of the house, wear the pants, lead... Then LEAD don't ask for the damn reins then look at me and ask me what to do! LEAD When things are good AND bad instead of always waiting for me to be the fall/clean-up guy!!! NO, We're NOT getting back together!

I knew I hit a nerve because he went really quiet.

The thing is, I really didn't mean to be that brutal, I can't explain it, but I just lost it! Should I call and apologize and try to smoothe things over, we have been cooperating with each other to this point. Or should I just say, "fuck it, he deserves it and wealk on?" How do you take THAT back?!

I think we all have those moments. I can get enough and when I get enough, that's it - it all comes out. I wouldn't apologize, because you spoke the truth of how you felt. Sometimes they need to hear these things. Let him stew on it for a while. It would be okay to smooth things over by being nice next time you interact. Those are my thoughts, though some might not agree.

I say apologize, go to counseling with him, and work on your marriage. It sounds like the two of you have communication issues. I mean, the blow-up/build-up isn't THAT bad, yet you feel bad about it and so does he. I would think since you are on the brink of divorce its been ALOT of these blow-ups with worse things said, but obviously there hasn't. If this is YOUR bad, then I'm not you but on the outside looking in it appears to be workable, especially if he's willing.

I know I'm overstepping here and ill accept a verbal beating, or a complete ignore, if that's what you choose to give. Just want you to really think about it. Obviously you still care for him a lot...concerned about his feelings and all.

Posted by seraph

In fact, some time apart would probably be great for both of you. If you keep doing the same things, however, *you'll keep getting the same results.* Throw a wrench into the works. Shake things up. Demand better. And if he steps up, great. If not, you're clear to move on.

If you want to apologize and work it out - and possibly give him an easy "out" to continue his ways after a brief period of improvement due to the prospect of losing you - be warned.

Good luck. 🙂

I got a job offer in another state and took it, knowing that he'd be too non-commital to follow and move with me. It was the final move in the long game of marital chess!

But, I do hear ya about the temporary change because that is EXACTLY what the past 7 years have been like. One betrayal after the next followed by "I'm sorry, I'll change, I get it".....silence, flowers, nice words for 3-5 months ....REPEAT!!

Posted by lnana04
I say apologize, go to counseling with him, and work on your marriage. It sounds like the two of you have communication issues. I mean, the blow-up/build-up isn't THAT bad, yet you feel bad about it and so does he. I would think since you are on the brink of divorce its been ALOT of these blow-ups with worse things said, but obviously there hasn't. If this is YOUR bad, then I'm not you but on the outside looking in it appears to be workable, especially if he's willing.

I know I'm overstepping here and ill accept a verbal beating, or a complete ignore, if that's what you choose to give. Just want you to really think about it. Obviously you still care for him a lot...concerned about his feelings and all.

LOL, you are so NOT overstepping. I posted because I want impartial views. Obviously, I'm NOT in the best position to be impartial LOL. However, I offered counseling and he refused. I ended up going alone. I'm really done, but I don't want ot end up with the bitter end of the DIVORCE stick you know?

Posted by Metoo

Posted by truecap
I think we all have those moments. I can get enough and when I get enough, that's it - it all comes out. I wouldn't apologize, because you spoke the truth of how you felt. Sometimes they need to hear these things. Let him stew on it for a while. It would be okay to smooth things over by being nice next time you interact. Those are my thoughts, though some might not agree.

**even though you filed, it will still hurt and I was convinced by friends to still go to support group for divorce. I went kicking and screaming and to my utter shock I had alot pent up inside and some guilt and anger and grief. It helped me so much and here I thought I had it together. Would hurt to seek a little counsel to move on with strength and clarity.

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I start group next week! Nervous and excited to be making this step. ALL my psychologist training and expedrience NEVER prepared me for THIS roller coaster. BUT...I have tons of friends who are marriage counselors and they take even my crazy 3 AM calls and texts lol...love them!

You know, as I read the posts from you guys, I think what Im really really struggling with is allowing myself to say, "you tried, time to cut your losses". You know we Caps hate "losing" or giving up! I think I'm struggling with that Cap thing that tells us that when people really love or care for us, they will do EVERYTHING to make us happy ... AKA doing things OUR way. I've come to realize that sometimes, people really DO love you but they are just so FUCKED up with their oen issues that they can't breakthrough their own BS...even for you. After 3 affairs, I think forgiveness is more about closure than repair.

Ahh, I definitely see now. It seems you've really tried too, so you can always rest knowing that. Sometimes things just doesn't work the way you'd like, which is okay. Better to move on then hang on and waste time. I wouldn't apologize.

Thanks Guys!! I really DO appreciate all your responses, honestly.

"Seraph" you are too funny, but honest...I dig that! I AM getting back to myself and knowing who I am as an invidual and it's been good so far. The "be-yourself" me has always been a "oh, hell no you didn't (not in a loud way though)" type of person and I stiffled that to the EXTREME in this marriage thinking that THAT would make things better. But she came back last night and I think I like her .... again. My bestie said to be a few weeks ago, "That's one of the things I always liked abut you....thank GOD you're back!" He's a hand full that one! LOL

Honestly, I have no regrets about the marriage. The young, naive and often confused Cap I was when I married years ago needed to grow and lear, heartaches and all. She has blossomed into a self-assured, confident Cap woman, realizing yet accepting ALL I am.....flaws and all. And, I'm ready to see what the next half of mylife holds!


Watch out, next I'll be posting that I'm looking for a kid to adopt! LOL

Air signs bring out the fun side of us and allow us to loosen up!

Posted by truecap
Air signs bring out the fun side of us and allow us to loosen up!

Yes, but unfortunately they don't know when to buck up and be serious. Fun and laughter is great but there's real work to be done people!!! LOL

Fighting the urge to unleash the vengeful/hold-a-grudge Cappy in me. I'm having a very angry week!! I feel like the generous, willing to support her spouse, sacrifice-making Cappy got totally screwed and a part of me wants to say "F it....I'm done being nice to EVERYONE!" but the other part knows that will only hurt me in the long run. What I'm most angry about is the fear of impending financial struggle and the realization that this divorce will not even so much as scratch him financially. It angers me because I am the primary catalyst for his success!! I sacrificed and worked and prepared and arranged and planned so that he could get where he is!

Sorry for the rant....just feeling jaded and angry and annoyed all at once.....



OK, carry on with the day LOL

Posted by cowpuncher
*hug*

Divorce is expensive, because it's worth it. It might have you scraping for a while, but at least you'll be scraping and saving for YOU, not for someone else's benefit.

I've been in your shoes. It gets better. The weird part is you go for months afterward having little realizations, like light bulbs going off above your head, about how much better things are after the divorce. 🙂 The little things add up. The ex hated Jimi Hendrix, so I could never listen to him without a fuss. A few months after the divorce I suddenly realized... HEY... i can listen to Jimi again without it leading to deadly combat! It doesn't sound like much, but oooohhh it was so sweet to listen to Axis:Bold as Love again, and Little Wing, The Wind cries Mary, Hear my Train a comin', and Red House. Sheer ecstasy. You're going to have a lot of that coming your way, and it will feel great.

Mine reduced me financially to being 18 years old all over again and broke, more or less. lol What I found out after it was done though is, with no modification to my spending, I could save like CRAZY... all because I didn't have that other person spending money I'd earned like a crack addict getting a fix. That's one reason why I've had the luxury to wait a while for a really good job opportunity local to me, rather than moving, or taking something that sucks... and in the meantime I've been able to put a lot of time into design work for my own little business, which is a dream, and a long-term goal.

You've got some struggles ahead for sure, but it's not insurmountable, and even when times are lean afterward, you are going to be free, calling your own shots, and it's going to feel damned good.

Thanks for the hug CP. I think I'm struggling with feeling as if A)The fear of financial ruin isn't really logical. I mean It'll be tough in the "I can't travel and have the life style I once had" kinda way but I've always pretty much supported myself with my own paycheck. He stashed his away in foreign back accounts and sent it to his family. So, I know I'll be of but then again B)The anger is more that sense of entitlement if I must be completely honest. I mean I worked hard and thought I was done with that "getting by" stage in my life. But you're right, I do have those moment when I think, "Wow, I'm so glad I can do XYZ without a fight". Example, he's Muslim and I am

Thanks for the hug CP. I think I'm struggling with feeling as if A)The fear of financial ruin isn't really logical. I mean It'll be tough in the "I can't travel and have the life style I once had" kinda way but I've always pretty much supported myself with my own paycheck. He stashed his away in foreign back accounts and sent it to his family. So, I know I'll be of but then again B)The anger is more that sense of entitlement if I must be completely honest. I mean I worked hard and thought I was done with that "getting by" stage in my life. But you're right, I do have those moment when I think, "Wow, I'm so glad I can do XYZ without a fight". Example, he's Muslim and I am

Christian. I LOVE Christmas because my family is close and we have a lot of family traditions passed down by my dad who is no longer alive. For 7 years I haven't been able to have a Christmas tree in my home. Let's just say even mention of one lead to threats of having it thrown down the front stairs. So, you're right. When I think of those small things, I do have moments when I think, "Wow, regaining just this small piece of my identity is worth EVERY penny!"

CP, smh. That woman was something. Reminds me of the Leo guy I met calling his Cap ex "h% ll on wheels." Sounds like you dealt with one of those.

CaribCappy, it is perfectly okay to vent. I agree with CP that It'll all be worth whatever in the end. Goodluck with everything.

^ LOL @ the bacon party. That make me laugh ... thanx.

I actually can't even remmeber what pork bacon tastes like! Oh, the list of No-no's was quite long...bacon, pork, Christmas, crucifixes, hair out during Ramadan, jello...LOL etc. I actually admitted to myself for the first time openly in group last night that .... I knew I had made a mistake in marrying him within 8 hours of saying "I do". I was just too proud and Capricorn-ish to admit it. But I have been so much happier, less stressed and even healthier since I walked away.

Posted by CaribCappy

Posted by truecap
Air signs bring out the fun side of us and allow us to loosen up!

Yes, but unfortunately they don't know when to buck up and be serious. Fun and laughter is great but there's real work to be done people!!! LOL

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Yep, thats why it doesn't work!