the dumping garden (Page 3)

they should hear me... everything they overlooked and i kept quiet about... will be the perfect start.

... hmmmm... people seem to be communicating with each other... or is it just me? this is very strange...

Im not sure if you realized this or not, but you just admitted you still think of me from time to time...you want me as part of your future...don't make promises you wont keep. Hey guess what, I think i'm over you now...what a shame.

Why would anyone ever want to leave such a place "before their time"...its not all that bad ...HONEST....look around you, life is everywhere. People are everywhere.
Observe and you too will see the "beautiful" around you just you wait and see.

Stay postive 'young grasshopper'...LOL, remember?

🙂

"...You can hunt for the hunter
[S]he's got nowhere to hide
You can seek with the seeker
But hold on for the ride..."

STP "Glide"

i cant seem to make you mine.

courtesy of PostSecret

i find alone time for thinking and feeling helps to bring me back to center. sitting at your desk, alone in the office, do you find it kinda peaceful? do you feel able to expand? as if your energy can adjust and reach it's natural level? concerning the controle of your thoughts.. go through them again , it may help you to understand why you chose a specific response or path. i believe this process helps to keep us on track when all the fuss and bother of the outer world, and/or the hormonal times, and /or even the barometric pressure of the weather messes with us.

i say truth, always found in open arms

my pleasure, cap.

please tell me, why do i sometimes feel like i'm the only one being faithful. its not fair that i can make you feel the comfort of being 'the only one.' i can imagine how warm and cozy that must feel ...why do i feel this chill right now? i feel this too much. and i know its not me. im not prone to this fear, i never was like that. i am a faithful and trusting person. i get so deeply sad when i realize that i'm the only one with the consideration for your feelings and when i feel like consideration for mine is just secondary... tertiary... quaternary... peripheral... is that what i am to you? because this is what you are showing me... and im sooo sad right now. do the math. things are great when you are around and too many times, not so great when you aren't. it all adds up doesnt it. i cant be that important and i keep telling myself that because i keep seeing it. it is enough to make me feel empty... that is what i get in return... that empty feeling for all the warmth i give. no its not fair. it is enough to... but i'm trying so hard... more distance, much harder... i might not be able to anymore... and i might be ok with that. how is this emptiness worth it really. why would i... and no more pulling at my sympathies just because i'm in love doesnt make me eternally stupid... my senses are all the more heightened and so is my forgiveness. i know exactly who i am and i'm more aware of you than you realize. i give the benefit of the doubt, but i've had to doubt too many times. you are right... i have weak confidence, because you have given me that much to be confident in. ***** love only says so much in words... love desires a whole lot in private shows... but in the everyday, in the idle things, in the casual moments, it matters most when it doesnt matter at all... when you love and dont have to, not expected to... the most enduring moments, the strong and most solid feelings are made to resonate when love is shown in grandstand as if no one was there to care, because nothing else really matters as much. but they are. you are aware and their care is enough for you to care... and i cant feel anything enduring. ***** i am giving you everything you need to know to make it right. i'll give you more if you really want to know. but if it cant be made right, then i'll make myself happy and i'll give myself the warmth i want. this isnt a threat, this is just the truth.

"the most enduring moments, the strong and most solid feelings are made to resonate when love is shown in grandstand as if no one was there to care"
because thats when i know your love is resounding in you and is really there.

i feel its my turn on this stage, but i am stunned. i dont know which way to move from here and i know i should because this story means what i think everything should be. i dont want to quit this stage and i dont want the story to end here, but i feel the heat of the spotlight on me, i've heard my cue, my body is warm with calm, my heart is pounding and calm, and i am not moving. my mind refuses to be lost, my eyes are searching.... through all their stares, searching for the right one where i can see my answer and be ignited into action. i have faith in that face and those eyes, but i dont have them and i cant find them.

ahh, but i dont think this story is what i thought it was to begin with. it's ok... there's still a set of eyes and a face out there. yes, and with a heart and with so much more.

sorry i ever waited... some things never change.

this time its my own fault. and i know better... so i can truly regret it.

i want to take root and grow. strong. i so crave that.

I hope you just show up one day...i wouldnt mind. Its not too much to ask is it...*sigh* I know it is. But im sure you feel it too, your whoever you want to be with me and im the same with you. If only you just show up one day, im sure we'll both see...were meant for one another. If not lovers, then friends forever. Odd isnt it...we barely know each other. Who knew this would start....a summer of complete boredom and loneliness and now to hearts cant grow apart. I hope it wont be much to ask, but I promise you will see. Each moment I can see im growing on to you and you onto me. Wait!...what am I saying, im afraid of what might be if you show up. We barely know each each other. Were sooo different....well, obviously not enough since we hold so much of each others time. Just show up anyway and I can be with you and you with me. Just for a day, maybe even an hour or two. I promise i'll be worth it...you just make sure you are too....🙂
I hope its not much to ask...what am I saying....I could careless and I know it is too much to ask...whatever, Just show up anyway....only if you want to.

Rule breaking: OMG thats beautiful JD.

Number 300!!! 😉

The limit is 300 but just push "reverse sort order" and you can see other comments made.

Well, that may be too much of a hassle .....

this is the time to focus... the first day of the rest of my life... and what i do now will matter so much in the long run... something to really smile about... no, i'll never break. i get excited just thinking about it... a new city... a new life... the whole experience in my new home... new faces... people... friends... the art... the history... liveliness... i find it all so romantic. strange word to use for this feeling... strange feeling, but i get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about all of it. scary. whatever the days will bring, i'll soak it up and make it good. a new relationship i'll be blissfully caught up in... there's no way it won't live up. not with me in the lead. ahhh chicago... im your huckleberry 😉

no worries... there'll always be a garden to dump in, ladies.

im not the type to be emotionally available and physically distant... this is everything that i am... a body a heart a soul and a mind... and my body speaks my emotional self. i will put everything, baby, everything that i have to give ...into you... because that is how i love. even with me independent with my life. i make it happen because thats how much it matters to me. and if you want less than all i have to give, you should only expect much less... im not a person who can divide my heart, divide my words or divide my affection. i want no less back. call me old fashioned, but i dont think it should be any other way. not for me at least.

but im trying so hard to figure it out... can i take you with me? looking into what is ahead of me... it will be tough... so tough. it already is. are you what is promising or are you not? there was a point between you and me when we'd do anything for each other and everything we could think of... now i've been losing hope. and i go back and forth... because i'm hanging onto anything i can... even if it is just myself that im hanging onto. or should i just relax... this is how things go... but the desire to to keep giving everything i have to give has never left me... its just been defeated out of me, though i'll never be broken of it... i still want to, but only to someone who wants to as well.

even if it is forever there, why wait for eternity

i call him boyfriend, but he doesnt see me that way. not yet, apparently. i dont know what he's waiting for because he says he doesnt want to lose me. and no i wont give up either, but if things dont get better... eventually i will. with so much ahead of me, i really dont know how much more i can try. i have to ask myself if i can, i owe it to myself, and i dont think i can. if thats what i decide, there will be no trapping me with feelings. i'll cut them loose and free myself of a never-ending cycle, cuz thats what it's looking like to me. it may look like i'm the one who's caused it, but i'm pretty sure i've just summoned forth everything that needs exposure and resolution, and i havent excluded myself from the hot seat... im making myself face the bad things about 'me' as well... it's just that nothing is being resolved. and i'm trying, not just making myself better but im trying to be sympathetic and forgiving and unquestioning as well, but i seem to be the only one willing to open up my mind to another person and to change. the more i see that im the only one doing it... the harder it gets for me. no. the more impossible it is for me. because i wont be trampled on. if he wants to walk astride me then that is what he should do. if this is the road we have to go down to get to the sunny coast, then whats the harm in going... so long as we're going together, then nothing should be of threat. right?

sometimes i wonder if it is just me... and i feel like that conclusion is more believable. im creating all of this and pulling it out of thin air. though, i get the feeling that my consciousness and my awareness has prompted me into such a scrutinizing state. the air around him, his actions, have all made me untrusting of his true feelings... i've brought them all up and nothing has changed... am i crazy? i was never like this before. he claims the opposite of the empty way he makes me feel... am i seeing things wrong? am i just not being understanding? cuz i tried. im done being the only one trying. im done being left in the dark to deal on my own.

and now... aside from really nice words and thoughts and a memory of great feelings, i feel so much emotional distance. i've tried to make myself heard. i dont feel like i should blame myself. this is such a miss, it sucks. he'll admit we see things differently and that's all he'll admit. i could go on and on... why do i?

a lot of goodbyes im gonna have to swallow. boy, does it feel lonely.

www.onesentence.org

your asking me to back off. so this is what happens... you leave suddenly and that feeling where my heart drops into my stomach doesnt happen this time. i could just be numb right now.

and dont try to make me feel bad about this. this is where i go. you retreat into yourself and spy into my places of retreat. im actually not really hiding here because i know what you read. if you wanted it to be you, youd make it so. and no... im not taking this to a friend, or friends. this is you and me... this public place... is faceless. the people that arent involved dont matter, so i dont care what they know or dont know. the only thing that makes a difference between you and me is you and me. what the people in our lives says has no bearing, but what they know does... im not putting it out in public. and yes, if there is distance... if we lose a 'friendship' online... yea, that much will be publicly there for them to see, but mostly for you to see. why? because im serious. if we want to keep in touch... we'll do it the old fashioned way where we extend ourselves outside our usual bubble and try to reach out to someone else... ie. each other. it's tough stuff, but i know it can be done. this online business is just unfeeling. my friends make contact online to say stupid silly shit to me because when we want to make real contact... we'll fuckin pick up the phone and say it, or plan to get together to say it to each other's faces, or say it by spending quality time with each other.

yep... you are indeed too busy. too busy to make time, even just a couple minutes. i'll become busy too, very soon. and its gonna hurt real bad when i realize that i can still make time for you. sorry. thats one i've tried for years to be able to forgive and i cant.

and just so you know exactly what i mean, because apparently you wont hear me when i tell you... i'll make a point of showing you...

keep wishing for yesterday. i'm going to keep working on tomorrow with or without you.

with friends comes relief. i have yet a lot more growing to do before im ready for anything real.

im just sorry to see that we couldn't remedy it together.

For nearly a decade I longed to be with you secretly - but could never work up the nerve to make the first move - and even though you showed interest - it was non-chalant and I could never get a clear signal of how you felt about me too - and I guess over the years - you eventually grew tired of waiting for me to make a move - and now you're with someone else...I'm guessing it was never meant to be - now I may never know...I wish you nothing but happiness - even if it isn't with me...

i should have more faith in myself and let you fly. its just such a hard one to swallow.

I never wanted to see it this way but now I have to admit that life is a game.. Huh, play it well then.

*deep breath*

*exhale*


You never stood a chance...I bet you'll remember...scratch that.... you'll LOVE me forever...

Ohh fun... hmm

My insanity is more fun then your reality.

Of course I am out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there.

And lastly, my favorite.

We lust for freedom,
but long to be captured;
Kill for power,
but live for pleasure;
and die for love.

letters addressed to you waiting on a threshold where we've only just begun:

i've fallen into that lovely bed of togetherness... easing my mind into a pillow of trust.

...

Sometimes... a bigheaded idiot comes along and does something really stupid that they believe to be the best thing since sliced bread and i just want to mock them for it.

you should know as well as any other, dear... that is life. perfectly flawed. beautifully disastrous. we're all far away and yet right here with you. you should hear our harmonic hum in the silence. i trust you always have a smile somewhere up your sleeve.

most of the time i really long to curl up next to you.

and im always afraid that no one will ever be there for me. no one ever seems to be right here. ive done a great job of distancing myself... literally... from the people who matter most to me. the people and places i seem to keep in close proximity to are the ones that i have no plans of ever being close to or staying with. when those moments of life strike me where i just really need a certain someone... they cant be there for me... they never can be. and i wish sometimes that they would just make it so.

there was one time... one of my best friends... a capricorn. and now, unfortunately, the distance is just too much.

time never seems to have much bearing on a friendship or emotions, save but to accentuate them... except for when you want time to and when enduring something nearly unbearable. it seems that distance most certainly has it's moments when you really really notice it. time and distance put together... the most difficult thing for me and i struggly with them often.

why cant time and distance just fold... bring you and me together.

i guess they were right... i really do dislike being distanced (alone) all the time. oh, but my silly ways and sensibility have made me this way.

post scriptum... i cant always say what i want to say... surprisingly, not even here in my own garden. im such an onion.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Now, as always, is a great time to reflect on those great things in life that we have to be thankful for. Now is also a great time to be reminded how to look on the bright side of life.

I for one try to never take for granted my health... I have a great immune system. I've come across some mean, sometimes inexplicable, ailments in life and this body of mine has prevailed. I also still have every part of me that I should have... every limb and apendage... all in working order. Sounds perhaps unusual to be thankful for such a thing... but then you've been caught taking something very important for granted. Imagine not having your right hand and not being able to touch the one you love. Though many people may not see their bodies as 'perfect' ...be very happy its all there and healthy.

On that note... be safe through the holidays folks. 🙂

vanity keeps us from knowing

Why am I alive? For those few happy moments in a lifetime? Ok.. At least I'm happy that I have my own world. And I intend to stay there.

I wish I didn't hurt the ones I love! I'm just so passionate, and I'm a risk taker. I don't like to be held back. If they only understood that spreading my wings is what makes me Free, makes ME-ME. I wouldn't fight them if they just let me be. Thanksgiving...alas. A time of gathering with those you love. Not a time of repremand, and pointing fingers. Argh! What to do—?

i think my problem is that...
-im too headstrong
-i want too much from this
-i have no control over myself
-im impatient
-im too sensitive
-too aggresive and confrontational
-too silly
-much too foolish
-too hopeful
-too faithful in us
-too doubtful in us
basically i'm all wrong and i dont know where to start in making myself right
i want to run
i want to stay
i want you to help me
but i dont think you will
im afraid of being rejected again
so afraid that i'd rather run than ask for help.
and i've cried so hard about it that i now have a splitting headache
between my thoughts and the aches, i cant sleep.
i want to run.

and u just want to go out with your friends

😢

running should be a no brainer

running to you.

Bryan Adams... 'Yeaaaa, I'm gonna run to you!'

oh sigh.