CarRiderGirl
@CarRiderGirl
11 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 45 · Topics: 15
Heading for divorce Part 2
Posted by CarRiderGirl
Has he given up?
Maybe close, but not quite yet. You might want to try couples counselling, that might be the only way whatever he's not telling you will come out. It seems like he is trying to avoid hurting you yet that is exactly what's happening because of his behaviour of distancing himself. There's something about you, something thing that you do or did that pains him. When a gem intentionally harms someone it speaks volumes.
If he starts becoming cold and cruel towards you. Game over.
I wanted to reply that you can't force someone to do something they don't like, but then I red this: "He kept playing games with his friends though, and he still watches those shows on his own. Not just with me." It seems like he's got a problem with YOU, not with your activities. Don't let him get rid of you in this selfish way.
If I were you, I would load any additional TV into your car, and throw it away. One TV is enough, so the couple learns how to compromise on what they do TOGETHER. Tell him that if he buys a new one, you'll break it with a hammer, because you'd rather break the TV than your marriage. Go with him to his "friends" and either play games with them or do something else with their partners, in the same place, at the same time.
For every activity he does on his own, there should be at least one he does it with you. He signed a marriage contract that he is going to share his life with you. If he doesn't honor it any longer, take him to a couple's therapist, so at least he hears it from someone else. The last resort is indeed, divorce.
If I were you, I would load any additional TV into your car, and throw it away. One TV is enough, so the couple learns how to compromise on what they do TOGETHER. Tell him that if he buys a new one, you'll break it with a hammer, because you'd rather break the TV than your marriage. Go with him to his "friends" and either play games with them or do something else with their partners, in the same place, at the same time.
For every activity he does on his own, there should be at least one he does it with you. He signed a marriage contract that he is going to share his life with you. If he doesn't honor it any longer, take him to a couple's therapist, so at least he hears it from someone else. The last resort is indeed, divorce.
My ex and I started out this way at the beginning of the end. I have no advice for you unfortunately.
Whatever I did to try to fix it didn't work. Besides, I became so resentful of how he was acting, I couldn't focus on anything positive and didn't have the desire to be the only one making an effort. Not long after this stage, it got to the point that everything I did and said was wrong. Like someone said earlier, if he starts getting snarly or mean or cold toward you, start preparing for the worse.
Sometimes people develop and change over time. One grows, the other doesn't. Things you loved about each other now irritate you. Or one's values change or you don't share the same goals any longer. People sometimes just drift apart.
Just don't let resentment build up like I did because it only made things uglier than it had to be. My stubborn, prideful capricorn came out and all it did was damage more than was already broken.
I wish I had better advice..... 😢
Whatever I did to try to fix it didn't work. Besides, I became so resentful of how he was acting, I couldn't focus on anything positive and didn't have the desire to be the only one making an effort. Not long after this stage, it got to the point that everything I did and said was wrong. Like someone said earlier, if he starts getting snarly or mean or cold toward you, start preparing for the worse.
Sometimes people develop and change over time. One grows, the other doesn't. Things you loved about each other now irritate you. Or one's values change or you don't share the same goals any longer. People sometimes just drift apart.
Just don't let resentment build up like I did because it only made things uglier than it had to be. My stubborn, prideful capricorn came out and all it did was damage more than was already broken.
I wish I had better advice..... 😢
Posted by truecap
Just don't let resentment build up like I did because it only made things uglier than it had to be. My stubborn, prideful capricorn came out and all it did was damage more than was already broken.
Too late for that part, with a gem the resentment is strong way before it even begins to show itself. Especially since you have know each other for a long time. He's studied you and can act accordingly to not give away his true feelings, but he can't do it forever and it will manifest in another way. He wants to escape from you temporarily without hurting you, yet the hurting part is too late.
The freedom part is just temporary, gems always come back to those who matter to them. Can't help it. Even when he is away from you, you are never far from his thoughts. That's just how it works. Make demands like that and corner him. You both are losing right now, both harbouring resentment and hurt, just differently.
We tried self counseling a while back. Something we found online for couples in crisis.
We decided to sit and talk about our relationship and fix what's broken. It changed for the better, and it improved our life together. We've been fighting a lot less since. Except, we don't spend time together. Normally he would pop in my office every hours or so to talk. Now, he just spend time on his own or text his friends. Dinner time, we eat together. He goes in his office to play games with his friends and he doesn't invite me like before.
When we started this self help thing, we decided to talk about it whenever we both thought it was needed. It got to an almost everyday thing.
I asked him to be honest, even if it meant hurting me. I asked to be blunt and he told me what he didn't like.
He told me he was worried I would leave him, something he really doesn't want. To him, I'm the one. I reassured him and told him I wasn't going anywhere.
He said that our routine is killing him. He's bored with what we do. He said he's tired of the constant fighting, and sick of me always wanting to talk about feelings and doing the self help thing.
To him, spending time with me now, means feelings talk and he hates it. Hence he's distant.
I hate it too, I'm a Cap, I don't like feelings! But it's needed to fix what we have. Can't fix something if you don't know what's to fix.
Except, now, he reached a point where we talked about feelings so much, doing something with me means he's not happy, and he doesn't wanna do anything fun.
We decided to sit and talk about our relationship and fix what's broken. It changed for the better, and it improved our life together. We've been fighting a lot less since. Except, we don't spend time together. Normally he would pop in my office every hours or so to talk. Now, he just spend time on his own or text his friends. Dinner time, we eat together. He goes in his office to play games with his friends and he doesn't invite me like before.
When we started this self help thing, we decided to talk about it whenever we both thought it was needed. It got to an almost everyday thing.
I asked him to be honest, even if it meant hurting me. I asked to be blunt and he told me what he didn't like.
He told me he was worried I would leave him, something he really doesn't want. To him, I'm the one. I reassured him and told him I wasn't going anywhere.
He said that our routine is killing him. He's bored with what we do. He said he's tired of the constant fighting, and sick of me always wanting to talk about feelings and doing the self help thing.
To him, spending time with me now, means feelings talk and he hates it. Hence he's distant.
I hate it too, I'm a Cap, I don't like feelings! But it's needed to fix what we have. Can't fix something if you don't know what's to fix.
Except, now, he reached a point where we talked about feelings so much, doing something with me means he's not happy, and he doesn't wanna do anything fun.
CarRiderGirl, I'm sorry. This situation sucks, and I'm not sure what to say.
I understand the feeling of being bored because you feel that your partner is stuck in a routine, or a way of thinking and being in the world, and that you've already figured out every nuance of his/her personality.
I wonder...what would happen if you showed him that he DOESN'T have it all figured out? What would happen if you did something so out-of-character that he was stunned and had to rethink you? What would happen if you came home with purple hair and announced you were taking sky-diving classes (and said it like it was nothing unusual, of course). What would happen if you showed him sides of you he never fathomed existed (and, if they don't exist, you invent them)? What would happen if you wore an amazing new outfit, and casually skipped out the door to do some intriguing new hobby while he was gaming with his friends?
Could be worth a shot. I know I would personally be intrigued if my partner showed me there was still more left to discover about me.
I understand the feeling of being bored because you feel that your partner is stuck in a routine, or a way of thinking and being in the world, and that you've already figured out every nuance of his/her personality.
I wonder...what would happen if you showed him that he DOESN'T have it all figured out? What would happen if you did something so out-of-character that he was stunned and had to rethink you? What would happen if you came home with purple hair and announced you were taking sky-diving classes (and said it like it was nothing unusual, of course). What would happen if you showed him sides of you he never fathomed existed (and, if they don't exist, you invent them)? What would happen if you wore an amazing new outfit, and casually skipped out the door to do some intriguing new hobby while he was gaming with his friends?
Could be worth a shot. I know I would personally be intrigued if my partner showed me there was still more left to discover about me.
*him*
Posted by CarRiderGirl
I hate it too, I'm a Cap, I don't like feelings! But it's needed to fix what we have. Can't fix something if you don't know what's to fix.
Except, now, he reached a point where we talked about feelings so much, doing something with me means he's not happy, and he doesn't wanna do anything fun.
You can't fix feelings, they rise and fall and then rise again. Stop trying to do the impossible.
The fact that he's afraid of losing you is a positive thing. However, he sees that you are trying to fix HIM, and doesn't take the pressure very well. Is there anything about you that needs "fixing"?..... As Whimsy said, it would be good to become more preoccupied with yourself.
Thank you, moongem.
I'm still thinking about what the OP said, because my boyfriend is a Gem Sun and Venus as well, and he has at least five weekly activities that I don't share. Moreover, he has a gym pass, and I don't intend to purchase one. He barely watches TV and would not watch my favourite shows /series like the Apprentice (our UK variant is very thrilling)or Homeland. He takes me often to the Cinema and gigs, but not to classical concerts. He takes me to fancy restaurants, long drives/ walks and the swimming pool, but only when I suggest them.
What he seems to be enjoying best doing with me is talking about everything, home cooking, teaching me things and er...banging. It feels plenty now, because we are besotted with each other when we meet once-twice a week. However,I wonder what will happen if we live together. Two people who love each other, but have different interests? How much and how long for will we be willing to compromise, so we could spend time together?
I sometimes say to my Gem what I would like or don't like, but only once. Then don't mention it for several weeks. I was surprised how receptive he was. He took notice and accommodated my wishes! Other times he rejects a suggestion from the start and I know he feels strongly about it and I should not mention it for months.
One thing the OP mentioned is self-counseling. Not sure if this is a good thing. It sound like one partner (the one which drives it) becomes the counsellor and tries to "fix" the other one. I would not like to be at the receiving end, because not only it would make me feel inadequate, but also bullied. A lot of good intentions can misfire. We are partners, not patient and psychologist. It is quite different from going together to a councellor, even for one appointment only. It would make us feel both vulnerable, and this is a sexy thing, unlike bullying.
I'm still thinking about what the OP said, because my boyfriend is a Gem Sun and Venus as well, and he has at least five weekly activities that I don't share. Moreover, he has a gym pass, and I don't intend to purchase one. He barely watches TV and would not watch my favourite shows /series like the Apprentice (our UK variant is very thrilling)or Homeland. He takes me often to the Cinema and gigs, but not to classical concerts. He takes me to fancy restaurants, long drives/ walks and the swimming pool, but only when I suggest them.
What he seems to be enjoying best doing with me is talking about everything, home cooking, teaching me things and er...banging. It feels plenty now, because we are besotted with each other when we meet once-twice a week. However,I wonder what will happen if we live together. Two people who love each other, but have different interests? How much and how long for will we be willing to compromise, so we could spend time together?
I sometimes say to my Gem what I would like or don't like, but only once. Then don't mention it for several weeks. I was surprised how receptive he was. He took notice and accommodated my wishes! Other times he rejects a suggestion from the start and I know he feels strongly about it and I should not mention it for months.
One thing the OP mentioned is self-counseling. Not sure if this is a good thing. It sound like one partner (the one which drives it) becomes the counsellor and tries to "fix" the other one. I would not like to be at the receiving end, because not only it would make me feel inadequate, but also bullied. A lot of good intentions can misfire. We are partners, not patient and psychologist. It is quite different from going together to a councellor, even for one appointment only. It would make us feel both vulnerable, and this is a sexy thing, unlike bullying.
I actually talked with my Gem once about common activities and dating. "Would you have dated someone based mainly on the number of shared interests?" He said no, common interests would not be the main thing to make up his mind nowadays, and he learned it the hard way. Why would he want someone sitting next to him and reading with him about something they both like? How would this enhance or stimulate him?
His most recent ex used to join him cycling, running and at the gym. Another woman he dated went to the same Spanish course AND salsa dancing club like he did. He told me that he initially thought he hit the jackpot, with any of these women! So many common interests! Months and years down the lane, and he couldn't escape their constantly nagging presence. He escaped, eventually.
His most recent ex used to join him cycling, running and at the gym. Another woman he dated went to the same Spanish course AND salsa dancing club like he did. He told me that he initially thought he hit the jackpot, with any of these women! So many common interests! Months and years down the lane, and he couldn't escape their constantly nagging presence. He escaped, eventually.
Posted by Whimsy
What would happen if you showed him sides of you he never fathomed existed (and, if they don't exist, you invent them)?
Most of what you said was good advice, except this line right here. Are you saying she's supposed to pretend to be someone she's not?
That's not going to solve anything. It will just make her miserable and even more unhappy.
I messed that up, reposting:
My ex-gem wanted me to fix ME. But he couldn't comprehend what he was doing to contribute to the problem. He thought that there nothing about him that needed fixing, but everything about me that did. He refused to accept the idea that he had faults too. It was all my fault according to him. The harder I tried, the worse it got.
When we did talk about our relationship, he would not listen to what I had to say but he had plenty to say about me. Didn't give me a chance to talk. If I tried to defend myself or explain my actions, he would shut it down and accuse me of arguing with him.
He was either very unhappy or very narcissistic.
Anyway, that was us, this is you.
So, maybe stop trying so hard and start doing your thing while he does his thing. Develop your own hobbies and interest, find something new to be passionate about and stop worrying about the relationship so much. He might be rebelling from the pressure.
Can't have just one person trying, so stop trying so hard.
My ex-gem wanted me to fix ME. But he couldn't comprehend what he was doing to contribute to the problem. He thought that there nothing about him that needed fixing, but everything about me that did. He refused to accept the idea that he had faults too. It was all my fault according to him. The harder I tried, the worse it got.
When we did talk about our relationship, he would not listen to what I had to say but he had plenty to say about me. Didn't give me a chance to talk. If I tried to defend myself or explain my actions, he would shut it down and accuse me of arguing with him.
He was either very unhappy or very narcissistic.
Anyway, that was us, this is you.
So, maybe stop trying so hard and start doing your thing while he does his thing. Develop your own hobbies and interest, find something new to be passionate about and stop worrying about the relationship so much. He might be rebelling from the pressure.
Can't have just one person trying, so stop trying so hard.
Truecap, I didn't say that very well. I agree she should be her true self. I meant that she could discover new things that she hasn't tried before.
Gems know they have have flaws, but the biggest thing with gems are another's EXPECTATIONS ESPECIALLY WITHOUT OR LIMITED ACCEPTANCE. Huge misconception when dealing with a gem. Gems don't want or need anyone to fix them, they aren't broken.
You get your space to do you, and come together to do some things. Don't misunderstand that his stuff isn't as important to him as your marriage or any other responsibility. A gems energy is often scattered, fragmented and usually requires a partner to stay firm, not demanding or controlling. They only way you get away with controlling is if a gem is really attached to you for whatever reason. But resistance will be in a passive aggressive manner.
Exit gem....mentally and emotionally long before it is expressed physically. At least for me and other gems that I know.
You get your space to do you, and come together to do some things. Don't misunderstand that his stuff isn't as important to him as your marriage or any other responsibility. A gems energy is often scattered, fragmented and usually requires a partner to stay firm, not demanding or controlling. They only way you get away with controlling is if a gem is really attached to you for whatever reason. But resistance will be in a passive aggressive manner.
Exit gem....mentally and emotionally long before it is expressed physically. At least for me and other gems that I know.
Posted by Whimsy
Truecap, I didn't say that very well. I agree she should be her true self. I meant that she could discover new things that she hasn't tried before.
Oh, okay. Gotcha! Thanks for clarifying! Then we had the same idea about discovering new passions.
Posted by gemeliorist
Gems know they have have flaws, but the biggest thing with gems are another's EXPECTATIONS ESPECIALLY WITHOUT OR LIMITED ACCEPTANCE. Huge misconception when dealing with a gem. Gems don't want or need anyone to fix them, they aren't broken.
You get your space to do you, and come together to do some things. Don't misunderstand that his stuff isn't as important to him as your marriage or any other responsibility. A gems energy is often scattered, fragmented and usually requires a partner to stay firm, not demanding or controlling. They only way you get away with controlling is if a gem is really attached to you for whatever reason. But resistance will be in a passive aggressive manner.
Exit gem....mentally and emotionally long before it is expressed physically. At least for me and other gems that I know.
And this is why I don't think caps and gems make a good couple. Too many differences in life style , thought process and how they tackle problems. Caps are fixers. That is what we do. We see a problem, we fix it. Gems rebel against it and think we are controlling. Gems are spontaneous and don't like structure, whereas caps thrive on structure.
I like gems, don't get me wrong, but cap/gem just don't make a good relationship. Oh, they can. We did it for 18 years, but it is stressful for both and it takes a lot of work. I think we just got exhausted and gave up. Sad, and unfortunate. I think they make better friends than partners.
I do like the way you present it, though, gemeliorist. Really, gives me a new perspective on the mindset I didn't understand previously. Wish I had your insight five years ago.
That's kind of you Truecap, thank you.🙂 Gems are fixers too, in different ways, more in thought than in action. It's as much a strength as a weakness to be able to see everyones point of view and want everyone to have a share. I find caps want 100% , but in reality that is impossible without infringing on another's enjoyment or peace. One can get some but not all or else what is left for others? Striving for that 100% at all costs is not gonna work, maybe sometimes but that isn't feasible for longevity.
I've found that 50-50 never worked most of the time. Relationships are often unbalanced in terms of percentage however in terms of support, strengths and weakness it is balanced depending on how one looks at it or approaches it. Not everything can be quantified. What resonates with me is not sweating a lot of stuff. What is the trade off for a unit given the input of one outweighs the other in a particular area. Know thy self and it will all work out. I truly think any sign can work because there are so many factors that can influence one's situation or circumstance.
.....oh what is this thing called life? Still trying to figure it out and make my way.
I've found that 50-50 never worked most of the time. Relationships are often unbalanced in terms of percentage however in terms of support, strengths and weakness it is balanced depending on how one looks at it or approaches it. Not everything can be quantified. What resonates with me is not sweating a lot of stuff. What is the trade off for a unit given the input of one outweighs the other in a particular area. Know thy self and it will all work out. I truly think any sign can work because there are so many factors that can influence one's situation or circumstance.
.....oh what is this thing called life? Still trying to figure it out and make my way.
Posted by gemeliorist
What resonates with me is not sweating a lot of stuff. What is the trade off for a unit given the input of one outweighs the other in a particular area.
And that's what is good for caps to be around gems. Yall do help us relax and not worry so much. 🙂
My Gem likes structure and guidance. He said it's why we have been together for so long.
He knows he can be "air" and all over the place. My cap side help him with that, and he loves it.
For years he wanted to start a business but couldn't. Aka, couldn't concentrate on his main goal. So I helped him start, and I'm helping him every day to live his dream. Other things to, I bring him what he wants and need. I bring him stability.
As for bringing something new once in a while. I do that on my own. I like changes. I like tattoos, and new hair colors, new style s. I'm like a chameleon.
I start new activity on my own. I like to think it's my Gem ascendent. I can be wild and open minded. Especially in bed. We connect that way.
Like you Truecap, he has a lot of complains about me, but doesn't want to hear what I have to say. Shuts down as well. So your story is very close to mine.
For the flaws, I always tell him I love him for who he is, and it's true. I really do.
But when he's so distant and it's hurting our marriage. It's not a flaw, it's something else.
He's a loner. Sometimes I don't hear from him all night. He's gaming with his friend or reading and that's ok! I like that. I study or watch TV shows or cook or rest, go out with friends.
But being very distant and refusing to do 1 thing with me, that's a whole new level of independence.
I don't wanna change him, I just want him to spend time with me once in a while like a normal married couple!
He knows he can be "air" and all over the place. My cap side help him with that, and he loves it.
For years he wanted to start a business but couldn't. Aka, couldn't concentrate on his main goal. So I helped him start, and I'm helping him every day to live his dream. Other things to, I bring him what he wants and need. I bring him stability.
As for bringing something new once in a while. I do that on my own. I like changes. I like tattoos, and new hair colors, new style s. I'm like a chameleon.
I start new activity on my own. I like to think it's my Gem ascendent. I can be wild and open minded. Especially in bed. We connect that way.
Like you Truecap, he has a lot of complains about me, but doesn't want to hear what I have to say. Shuts down as well. So your story is very close to mine.
For the flaws, I always tell him I love him for who he is, and it's true. I really do.
But when he's so distant and it's hurting our marriage. It's not a flaw, it's something else.
He's a loner. Sometimes I don't hear from him all night. He's gaming with his friend or reading and that's ok! I like that. I study or watch TV shows or cook or rest, go out with friends.
But being very distant and refusing to do 1 thing with me, that's a whole new level of independence.
I don't wanna change him, I just want him to spend time with me once in a while like a normal married couple!
Posted by Whimsy
Truecap, I didn't say that very well. I agree she should be her true self. I meant that she could discover new things that she hasn't tried before.
I got that-- what you said was similar to what I was thinking.
OP... start having fun without him; you can only change yourself, and as Whimsy stated,
it's likely he will follow.
Drop the FEELINGS convo, for now... you've hit a brick wall and it's making it worse; time to reassess.
Try developing your own life ... marriages where each person has his/her own
separate interests tend to do quite well.
Better than those where one is dependent on the other for entertainment.
Then, you have the chance to actually miss each other, and time spent together isn't a chore.
Posted by CarRiderGirl
My Gem likes structure and guidance. He said it's why we have been together for so long.
He knows he can be "air" and all over the place. My cap side help him with that, and he loves it.
For years he wanted to start a business but couldn't. Aka, couldn't concentrate on his main goal. So I helped him start, and I'm helping him every day to live his dream. Other things to, I bring him what he wants and need. I bring him stability.
As for bringing something new once in a while. I do that on my own. I like changes. I like tattoos, and new hair colors, new style s. I'm like a chameleon.
I start new activity on my own. I like to think it's my Gem ascendent. I can be wild and open minded. Especially in bed. We connect that way.
Like you Truecap, he has a lot of complains about me, but doesn't want to hear what I have to say. Shuts down as well. So your story is very close to mine.
For the flaws, I always tell him I love him for who he is, and it's true. I really do.
But when he's so distant and it's hurting our marriage. It's not a flaw, it's something else.
He's a loner. Sometimes I don't hear from him all night. He's gaming with his friend or reading and that's ok! I like that. I study or watch TV shows or cook or rest, go out with friends.
But being very distant and refusing to do 1 thing with me, that's a whole new level of independence.
I don't wanna change him, I just want him to spend time with me once in a while like a normal married couple!
You're doing all this and providing all this for him.
What is is doing and providing for you?
Maybe focus on what he does good for you and that might help your perspective.
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We talked. We decided that we would do some things separately. So far it's working well. We fight less and it's a really good thing. There is however some problems and we don't know how to handle.
My Gemini, in typical Gemini fashion is bored with our activities. Things that are very meaningful to us and what make us "Us". TV Shows we've been watching together, Games, etc. And whenever I want to start something new, he doesn't want to. The end result is such that we barely spend time together anymore. He simply doesn't want to do anything new and has given up on what we've been sharing for years. He kept playing games with his friends though, and he still watches those shows on his own. Not just with me.
I communicated my concerns to him, and this is when he told me he was bored of doing those things with me, and only me.
We've been drifted away because of it. It's like we're strangers living together.
I don't know what to do.
He reiterated many times how it's not a love problem at all. He still loves me, still sees me as his soulmate. Just bored with our life, yet doesn't want to change what we do so we can connect again. He doesn't understand how what we do as a couple is important for us, to stay connected.
He decided to play 1 game with me, and watch 1 tv shows with me, but only to make me happy because he knows it's what I want. He doesn't have fun doing so at all.
I just don't know if for a Gemini it's a good or bad thing.
I don't want him to snap and feel trapped because of it. Do Gemini men in love turn into people pleasers?
How do I explain it's important for us to make time for us?
Has he given up?