I am a Libra sun, Gemini moon, Venus Leo. I met a cancer man (scorpio moon and venus cancer) almost about a year back. We were both in relationships with different people. I was *newly* married but not happy and sort of in the process of separating. He was in a long unhappy relationship. We clicked instantly. We both were travelling for work and we were together for two weeks. everything happened very fast and we enjoyed each other's company a lot. The week after he left, he invited me to travel with him for a weekend, everything was perfect. Then he broke up and I moved out to new city away from my husband. We travelled a few times and we used to write to each other quite lot in the beginning *emails then. After a month or two, I felt him pulling back. Then we had moved on to texts. He then responded by saying he isn't much into texting. We live in different cities. I read quite a bit about cancer men and I was being patient and letting him have his space. I had made it clear that I am in love with him but he never said anything, only that he likes me a lot. But his actions proved otherwise when we were alone. He would take care of me, hug and take me to places that I wanted to see, he would keep an eye on details and do things that were special. He spent the whole of my birthday with me, picked me up, waited for hours, he took me to his favourite places, he gave me his books and cds that he liked (he being a cancer, if he tried all of that, it made me feel like he really interested in pursuing this too and just needed more time to process this). and I have always told him that I don't need an answer, I just liked spending time with him and I don't want a committment. I would always catch him staring at me.
Then he actually started avoiding me for about 2-3 months started around October-till January. He would respond but didn't seem very much into trying to keep up the conversation. He visited my city in December to see his friends (I knew it was just a layover and super short) but he never tried to tell or even have 5 minutes to see me. I was hurt but never mentioned it to him.
As he kept on avoiding me I stopped with texting him as it seemed that I was bothering him (I am a libra, and normally I am super apologetic all the time). I visited his city for work around feb but didn't tell him. We met then at work and he insisted on dropping me in the train station, and he looked into my eyes and said that you never told me you are coming because I didn't tell you when I visited your city. I felt that he cared and did want to see me.
The communication picked up again. He would message and try to talk. I would get occasional calls late in the night when he'd say he misses me. I would get drunk and message him bunch of things that I am totally in love with him (this has happened many times and I know I behaved like a child).
Then he was coming over to my city for a few days to see his friends and party, initially he said he'd stay over with me, but later said it isn't wise. We aren't open with our relationship (or whatever it is). Then he said, he isn't looking for a relationship and doesn't want me to think that way if we get involved, he indicated having a friends with benefits relationship. I said, if that's how I get to be a part of his life, its ok with me. Then we all went partying and the whole night he kept dancing around with other women, I wasn't comfortable and I left. Then he called me at early morning asking if he could come over. and he stayed. This happened both the nights. But I was always caring towards him, I made him breakfast, and did everything to make him feel special. then I travelled with him halfway with food and icecream, he layed his head on my head. hugs me, his body language speaks to me differently when we are alone together.I would make really nice romantic gestures, like getting him things that he likes based of his interests. remembering things that he likes. saving tickets of places we went together.
Then we were back to texting, I asked if we could meet again, he said maybe in a few months. But the communication was daily, I was drunk again one night and we talked about getting a home here, a dog, etc etc. He wasn't participating in the discussion but kept saying ok and at one point he said not this place, we will stay there. I kept asking if I am talking too much, he said I am listening to you. Then one night again, I texted him a lot of stuff about me being in love with him. Then he's gone. No answers nothing. I apologized the next morning over text, he read it, no response. called him twice, no answer. I sent him a picture of my new bike one week later, saying that I wanted to show this to him, no response. Sent him a picture of a beer saying that he'd like it (also said, that I know you don't like me anymore but I had to show you this, he is a fan of beer), no response. Its been more than a month and no response, I stopped pestering him and its been a month since I wrote to him.
A part of my head says he is taking time to think, a part of it says he was playing with me. I don't know if I should stay or move on. And I don't want to move on to be honest. Its super painful and I am trying to keep myself busy but I just don't know what or how to get out of this. I don't want to meet new people, I don't want to see anyone else. I get flashbacks and keep asking myself if I did anything wrong. My friends say he's a douchebag but I am not convinced that he is one. I felt the connection. And I did tell him earlier that whatever you do, please don't ghost me, to which he said he always closes things properly with the women he has dated (but did we date?) And this was the guy who would tell me that, he went to this place and its beautiful and he knows I will love it.
He always told me that he isn't looking for a relationship after he broke up. He said earlier that its going too fast and he wants to be alone, and we could keep meeting and in future we will see how it goes. He has been very on and off. Every time he would want me around, I'd make sure to drop everything and be there for him. But he would tell me that he misses me, he likes me. I wasn't pushing him to become my boyfriend or anything but I would tell him that I love him. I would even tell him if I felt jealous, that I feel jealous. not in an angry manner but in a questioning manner asking how do I deal with this, I am honest to a fault. and I'd feel that he liked it.
Please don't be mean to him and thank you if you read this long story but any perspective? I am driving myself insane.