The Research on Anger and Relationships

Source:

http://www.angriesout.com/couples6.htm


THE BEST WAY TO FIGHT


John Gottman is the foremost researcher in the world on marriages and relationships. He puts add in the classified pages asking couples to come in and fight about anything they choose so he can study patterns of anger. He wires the partners to many scientific instruments to get body feedback and videotapes the arguments. He analyzes the tapes frame by frame and studies how relationships succeed and fail. He follows up on the couples to see who remain in relationship years later. Out of his study of many couples, happy and otherwise, he has discovered the necessary principles for making relationships work. Learning to resolve issues is necessary for the relationship to be happy.

All relationships have problems. It is usually the woman who is most dissatisfied. The woman who is usually the more submissive partner brings Eighty percent of complaints up first. The dominant partner does what he wants, but there is a cost to the relationship. The woman ends up unhappy. In these days, women are leaving relationships more often than men. It is usually after years of resentment after trying to have her needs met and failing.

The most successful relationships have partners who are willing to hear and deal with the complaints. This means that the man must be willing to be influenced by the woman. The willingness to be influenced by each other and take complains seriously is a skill necessary for a happy relationship. Men who are willing to share the power with their wives get to have a happier relationship. Men who are typically less able to express themselves and withdraw from fights result in having a partner who holds on to anger. The woman seeks closure around an issue and remains angry when the problem is not solved.

Anger, per se does not destroy a relationship. It is how people DO their anger that creates problems in couples. Happy families know how to settle disputes without leaving scars. Gottman's research found the four behaviors that destroy a relationship/marriage are:

CRITICISM--blaming, finding fault, nit picking over small things

CONTEMPT --disgust, name-calling, cursing, and being hateful. Disgust over time builds up into the decision to separate

DEFENSIVENESS --not taking responsibility for own stuff, turning the blame back on your partner

STONEWALLING --refusing to deal with the issue, minimal zing the problem, inability to deal with conflict, walking away angry

Gottman can detect these four behaviors within the first 3 minutes of a conversation! He can predict with 96% accuracy, which marriages will succeed and which will fail from these first three minutes of the fight!

Anger is not the reason that couples break up. It is how each partner copes with threat and the types of anger responses they have learned! Gottman's research offers proof that one of the best investments you can make in your life to preserve your relationship is to learn about anger management and conflict negotiation.



Flooding of Stress Related Hormones Often Side Track Problem Solving During Arguments

The level and intensity of anger that accompanies the sharing of the complaint predicts whether the issues will be addressed positively or not. Flooding of the hormones is the reason people cannot resolve conflict easily. The flooding causes hormonal and emotional arousal and is more typical in men. A huge amount of adrenalin is produced to give energy for the ?fight or flight' coping strategies of the cave men days. Gottman's research shows that when pulse rate of one member of a couple that is fighting goes up 15 or 20 percent, they are flooded with adrenalin and other stress related hormones.

When the person becomes flooded, their fight or flight hormones are in charge and they lose it! Common sense goes out the wi

OLD BONE and Parallax Nice.

Like my dad says; do some soul-searching; consider the source.

But there are times when I need to be reminded to do it. Thanks.