What is the right thing to do

I have a niece. Her father, my brother died when she was a baby. She has a sister that is a few years younger, her father also died shortly after she was born. We’ve kind of unofficially adopted her too. Their mom obviously has experienced unimaginable loss. She has several other children with a different man and is currently married. I’ve never met the other kids and have no relationship with them.

When I send money to my nieces their mom always ends up taking some to buy the other kids things. Last month she took about 30% of what I sent and then told my niece she didn’t have any money to get her a Halloween costume so my niece asked for more money.

I lost my Dad before I was born so feel called to help support my nieces and I would buy them things even if they did have a Dad because they’re my nieces. I don’t feel called to subsidize the entire household. Am I an asshole for that? I feel like an asshole from the other children’s perspectives if they are going without things, but that is the mom and dads responsibility.

What is the right thing to do going forward?

Maybe get a list of things your nieces need, so you can be specific on what the money is to be used for.

Posted by durted
Maybe get a list of things your nieces need, so you can be specific on what the money is for.

That’s what we do now. But she is a teenager and her list is ridiculously expensive so I am trying to teach her to be financially responsible too.

She might want $ 100 backpack and $ 200 Uggs, and $ 40 water bottle but I’m only sending $ 250 so she has to make decisions. She usually decides the $ 50 backpack is just as good and that she doesn’t really need the water bottle either. So she gets her uggs and a different backpack and everything works out.

I want her to make the decisions for herself. But I can’t think of a way that gives her access to money and allows her to make decisions without the mom knowing, because the mom is the one who has to take her shopping for the stuff. We don’t live in the same state so I can’t always take her myself.

Posted by PilatesBod

Posted by durted
Maybe get a list of things your nieces need, so you can be specific on what the money is for.

That’s what we do now. But she is a teenager and her list is ridiculously expensive so I am trying to teach her to be financially responsible too.

She might want $ 100 backpack and $ 200 Uggs, and $ 40 water bottle but I’m only sending $ 250 so she has to make decisions. She usually decides the $ 50 backpack is just as good and that she doesn’t really need the water bottle either. So she gets her uggs and a different backpack and everything works out.

I want her to make the decisions for herself. But I can’t think of a way that gives her access to money and allows her to make decisions without the mom knowing, because the mom is the one who has to take her shopping for the stuff. We don’t live in the same state so I can’t always take her myself.

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Are you sending the money to your niece or the mum?

If it's to her daughter it's pretty clear it's not for the other kids. And idk you could try gift cards to simplify things lol. shed still have to make decisions within a budget.

Tell them to message you directly about whatever they want/need and you buy it and ship it to them or hand it off. That's probably the best option and then anything you are iffy about if they actually NEED or whatever, double check with mom.

IMO it'd be different if you had a relationship with all of the kids, but you don't.

Why don't you get her to choose what she wants on Amazon (other online stores are available) and then you pay and put her address for delivery

do what you want with your money but keep in mind you can't separate your niece from her mom and family.

Maybe open an account for her if you really want to donate money to her only

Posted by PilatesBod

Posted by durted
Maybe get a list of things your nieces need, so you can be specific on what the money is for.

That’s what we do now. But she is a teenager and her list is ridiculously expensive so I am trying to teach her to be financially responsible too.

She might want $ 100 backpack and $ 200 Uggs, and $ 40 water bottle but I’m only sending $ 250 so she has to make decisions. She usually decides the $ 50 backpack is just as good and that she doesn’t really need the water bottle either. So she gets her uggs and a different backpack and everything works out.

I want her to make the decisions for herself. But I can’t think of a way that gives her access to money and allows her to make decisions without the mom knowing, because the mom is the one who has to take her shopping for the stuff. We don’t live in the same state so I can’t always take her myself.

click to expand

Ask her to make a list and then from the list, choose items of total up to $ 250. If she chose less than $ 250, then put the difference in amount in a trust account for her. Don't send money directly, imo.

I think it might make a difference if you take a close look at the nature of how 30% was taken. What was the conversation that happened between her and her mum that led to her taking it? Did she want to help her siblings herself, or was it taken from her against her will? Did her mum coerce or manipulate her or did they both agree together that it would be nice to get her siblings something too? The things is, if you gift her money and she would like to gift a little to someone else she cares about, would this scenario bother you or would she be in her right mind to do so? I could only advise on how to go about it if I knew the answers to these questions.

Otherwise, I'm sure there are bank accounts you can open for younger family members where they can have a spending card yet zero access to withdrawing money from the account. This way they can spend where they like and on whatever they like, but they can't give the money away.

Posted by clare
I think it might make a difference if you take a close look at the nature of how 30% was taken. What was the conversation that happened between her and her mum that led to her taking it? Did she want to help her siblings herself, or was it taken from her against her will? Did her mum coerce or manipulate her or did they both agree together that it would be nice to get her siblings something too? The things is, if you gift her money and she would like to gift a little to someone else she cares about, would this scenario bother you or would she be in her right mind to do so? I could only advise on how to go about it if I knew the answers to these questions.

Otherwise, I'm sure there are bank accounts you can open for younger family members where they can have a spending card yet zero access to withdrawing money from the account. This way they can spend where they like and on whatever they like, but they can't give the money away.

I gave the money with some general guidelines for what it should be used for 80% needs/school and 20% wants. Initially I wasn’t upset that she shared with her siblings at all. I was proud of her for having such a kind heart and I told her that. I looked at it as if her and her sister gave up their “wants” for their siblings and I was okay with it. It became an issue for me when she needed more money 2 weeks later for a Halloween costume because that could have been covered by the funds that were used for the siblings.

I don’t want to punish her for generosity or create chaos in their household so if I do keep giving a monthly allowance, I’ll have to tell her she is free to use it how she wants but if she gives some away that may mean she goes without some of her wants for that month.

I'd just give enough for necessities. That way if they run out, it will hopefully teach her money management.

Giving money isn't always helpful as many learn to depend on it.

Posted by PilatesBod

Posted by clare
I think it might make a difference if you take a close look at the nature of how 30% was taken. What was the conversation that happened between her and her mum that led to her taking it? Did she want to help her siblings herself, or was it taken from her against her will? Did her mum coerce or manipulate her or did they both agree together that it would be nice to get her siblings something too? The things is, if you gift her money and she would like to gift a little to someone else she cares about, would this scenario bother you or would she be in her right mind to do so? I could only advise on how to go about it if I knew the answers to these questions.

Otherwise, I'm sure there are bank accounts you can open for younger family members where they can have a spending card yet zero access to withdrawing money from the account. This way they can spend where they like and on whatever they like, but they can't give the money away.

I gave the money with some general guidelines for what it should be used for 80% needs/school and 20% wants. Initially I wasn’t upset that she shared with her siblings at all. I was proud of her for having such a kind heart and I told her that. I looked at it as if her and her sister gave up their “wants” for their siblings and I was okay with it. It became an issue for me when she needed more money 2 weeks later for a Halloween costume because that could have been covered by the funds that were used for the siblings.

I don’t want to punish her for generosity or create chaos in their household so if I do keep giving a monthly allowance, I’ll have to tell her she is free to use it how she wants but if she gives some away that may mean she goes without some of her wants for that month.

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This last part is the solution. And, this is could escalate - just be ready to withdraw support temporarily.

Tough. This is hard to balance between siblings that have the same parents even. I’ll never forget the Christmas I bought my nephews a gaming console and all hell broke loose over whose room it would be installed in, until eventually (and reluctantly) they decided on the living room. My brother in law was happy, but my nephews and sister, not so much. lol

I wonder if this is their mother’s attempt to keep resentment between siblings from brewing, not saying it’s right, but maybe it’s not ill-intentioned?

Posted by PilatesBod

Posted by clare
I think it might make a difference if you take a close look at the nature of how 30% was taken. What was the conversation that happened between her and her mum that led to her taking it? Did she want to help her siblings herself, or was it taken from her against her will? Did her mum coerce or manipulate her or did they both agree together that it would be nice to get her siblings something too? The things is, if you gift her money and she would like to gift a little to someone else she cares about, would this scenario bother you or would she be in her right mind to do so? I could only advise on how to go about it if I knew the answers to these questions.

Otherwise, I'm sure there are bank accounts you can open for younger family members where they can have a spending card yet zero access to withdrawing money from the account. This way they can spend where they like and on whatever they like, but they can't give the money away.

I gave the money with some general guidelines for what it should be used for 80% needs/school and 20% wants. Initially I wasn’t upset that she shared with her siblings at all. I was proud of her for having such a kind heart and I told her that. I looked at it as if her and her sister gave up their “wants” for their siblings and I was okay with it. It became an issue for me when she needed more money 2 weeks later for a Halloween costume because that could have been covered by the funds that were used for the siblings.

I don’t want to punish her for generosity or create chaos in their household so if I do keep giving a monthly allowance, I’ll have to tell her she is free to use it how she wants but if she gives some away that may mean she goes without some of her wants for that month.

click to expand

That's really nice of you. I think you already have a good solution. Honestly, she will more than figure out that part herself with a little friendly hint. Nothing to feel bad about. She'll be learning so much from you that her dad would have taught her otherwise.

Posted by hydorah
do what you want with your money but keep in mind you can't separate your niece from her mom and family.

Maybe open an account for her if you really want to donate money to her only

thank you for writing about scorpio.. 😇

Posted by jazzykid
Tough. This is hard to balance between siblings that have the same parents even. I’ll never forget the Christmas I bought my nephews a gaming console and all hell broke loose over whose room it would be installed in, until eventually (and reluctantly) they decided on the living room. My brother in law was happy, but my nephews and sister, not so much. lol

I wonder if this is their mother’s attempt to keep resentment between siblings from brewing, not saying it’s right, but maybe it’s not ill-intentioned?

Whew.. it is not ill-intentioned at all.