Letting Go....but Never Forgetting

Hey....I've gotta know...fish, do you struggle with grudges, and soul poisoning anger/emotions? If so, how do you guys release such a deeply ingrained feeling....something that is habbitual, and subconscious? Where do you turn when everything inside you is so askew, and emotionally you're falling apart, and there's no remedy for your own suffering? I try so hard to be perfect and capable on the outside, becuase inwardly, I'm loosing it....I wanna scream, fight, control, and become a power mad monster so I never have to be a 'victim' again this is why I hold my feelings inside, away from other people....my love, my feelings in the end became my greatest fear, and source of my greatest hatred...becuase all I can, or could feel was that deep sense of sorrow, that wouldn't end, becuase I was a fool to give that way.....

Even been in love with someone so deeply that you gave everything you had your very soul, just to see the other person rise? A love so strong, and pure that you loose yourself in giving to them?....you willingly become their sword and shield, and believe in blind conviction that they are capable of the samething...? You want to take their pain on for them because you can't stand to see them being torn apart the way they are, and you figure for some reason 'better me than them'....I did this, and to tell the truth, I never really healed from this....I've been mourning in a private corner of my mind ever since, and don't know how to stop...I just keep gushing....How do I turn off the damned water works— This is apart of my soul, and if I'll be able to give like that again (nothing felt as good in my LIFE than to give that way) How do you get it back? Do you get it back?

The world just looks so fucked up right now....I don't mean to be a bleeding heart, but dammitt...it's hard...I'm comming from deep down inside....who can you trust when the people of the world are all the same...they, WE are all selfish....who can you trust when the pain has turned into rage, and vengeance, and you're fighting yourself everyday to surrmount these urges?....I can't trust my feelings becuase they are in a hiddeous state of disarray now....

I can't forget what has happened; it would be pointless, and repetitive, but how to let go? It feels at this point like I'd be letting go of MYSELF....I don't want to loose myself....but I'm killing myself at the same time....

lol maybe I should try the serentity prayer lol 😛

Yeah...I guess, I'm just asking am I alone out there? Obviously not...but emotionally, I gotta send out my lines again....I sucked 'em up into myself, and I don't know how....I don't wanna go do that path of 'oh I need you' and 'I don't wanna need you'.....I'm afraid I'll become emotionally dependent on someone, and they'll use me.... but then, in love it can't be helped....it's not that you depend on them but their love is fuel to your soul....those intimate moments where you two are talking but not just with words....looking into their eyes and feeling that even if you aren't superman, it's alright becuase you've got each other....I've been wanting to maybe cry this out with someone....but I'm too stubborn....too stuck on protecting myself....I just need someone to see past the cool exterior into my chaotic soul....and know that I can TRUST them with it....or is that TOO intimate? Is that possible? To trust someone completely?

Star, when you're not perfect, you're VULNERABLE, and WEAK I'm afraid to be weak....people CAN hurt you....hell, they may even delight in it! When you're perfect they can't touch you....I know what I feel at the pit of my soul, and I try to fight it with every fiber of my being by being perfect, becuase it blocks my insides from calling out to me....being emotional hurts, especially for me....It opens up old wounds, and complexes that I try to stay away from....In the end, who can I trust my heart to? If I focused on my emotions, and didn't maintain the composure I built up, I'd never stop gushing....I'm obsessively emotional not like I'd cry all day long emotional, but plotting, destructive, agressive, hateful, dark and cold hearted....that's my TRUE nature Star...the one I cut off and threw below the surface....I'm going to hang on and deal, I'm just outta clues and directions for where to go next....

Much of what you speak is true....No, we AREN'T born hateful, or vengeful....we become that way as a process of growth, and challenge....these are 'gauntlets' we must run, but I can't seem to win!!!.....Did You ever feel something with no understanding of why? A need for power is like that....an urge...the desire to get away from being like the 'others'....that urge to have power is strong inside me....the urge to dominate, and keep the others away....have you ever had the power over you being taken from you? the feeling like someone wants to destroy you? Not a good feeling.....the pit of human nature is a dank thing, THAT is why it remains unconscious....it's selfish, primordial, and callous....it's our concious ego that promotes social concern, and interest that keeps us on the straight and narrow...NOBODY will EVER have that over me again, I learned WELL from that and don't intend to have it happen again.....I'd forgive myself if I could ENSURE that it wouldn't happen again....That could be done with power....I NEED power, weakness is unaceptable to me....It's like I was 'raped'! having someone have that power over you feels like RAPE....

"VE: I can be Vulnerable but never am I weak..I have opened up and been hurt, but my opening up came from a very good place and it was with good intenetions and I landed right on my feet when it was all said and done."

Amen. Very nicely put.

And isn't it amazing what kind of role original intent can play in bouncing back from emotional problems? I find that when I'm coming from that good place and am open and sincere and vulnerable, I can be hurt and recover surprisingly quickly. When I'm being "vulnerable" as some sort of unconscious manipulation, it always comes back to bite me on the ass.

That's really cool to think about. Thanks for throwing that out there.

I follow what y'all are saying....but the fact of the matter is, that I trusted myself, ENOUGH so in fact that I gave.....I'm not hurt or ashamed of giving, just by the idea of being the fool for not knowing better....I was naive, and I feel that even though spiritually that's ok, becuase we aren't just born with the know-how to evade potential misshappenings (it's all to make us grow) but I just can't help FEELING something is WRONG....inside me....that somethings not right....like I shattered in a way....

I FEEL that wound....loving a person, the person, and not the idea of the person that PURE love can bring black or white....a great wound, or great love....heaven or hell....bitter resentment, or deep appreciation....it's not so simple, as 'they didn't really matter, and I was never really close to them, so the pain is superficial' I gave this person something EXCLUSIVE....a part of my soul....how do you recover that?.....If you DON'T know yourself, you can't get in touch with that passionate part of yourself....I've decided to give even still....but I'm saying I'm stuck between two very contradicting aspects of myself: Protecting my heart, and giving it....you can't hold someone if you have an arm wrapped around yourself can you?

Though you are ALL on to something....saying I don't love myself? It's probably true...but if it is, then tell me: what is loving the self? My understanding of this is knowing you are entittled to the same rights and deserving of the same needs as others are: now, I know this....but perhaps I don't FEEL this....still working on blending my feelings with my thoughts....

I KNOW I deserve to be loved, and I feel that.....but for some reason, I rebel against it....this shit is so frustrating....only in the realm of feelings do things ever contradict themselves....

maybe if I 'trust' someone....if I 'let' them in I'll have the control/security I need, and get the love I know I deserve?

I am not outcast. what prompted you to ask that? I know for a fact I am not the only one who feels hurt, or pain at some point IF that's what you're saying. I am merly in the PROCESS of going through something....don't have the answers, and am struggling....(much to my own disgust). Do you like being SUBJECT to something that is outside your control, and provides you with a constant source of discomfort? I should hope not, but if you're ARE a masochist...I understand 😛

What is most difficult is this feeling I have....no, this 'urge' to 'share' with someone...I feel the need to be with someone...It's very powerful within me, and pushes me to frustration....I suppose frustration arises when one fights themself....I guess maybe I'm TOO sensitive....I can't help it....It pissess me off! I'm ALWAYS boiling underneath the surface, or a hair pin trigger away from a massive meltdown.

I feel If I open my heart (well if I surrender and leave my ego, and bruised pride aside), that through the other person I can be healed but I know that's the REAL challenge I have to face: I know that I can be a bastard at times but it's to figure people out....my vulnerability is what kills me, so by being a bastard I can sorta get people away from my heart....I don't just TELL people how I feel: I feel It with such conviction and strength I become 'emotionally blind' ....I can't give myself space to breathe because my emotions consume me.....I'm emotionally confused...I FEEL confused which is no big surprise! lol

I have to do everything in my power to be in control, to stay away from my heart becuase the pain is so deep, I don't have the damned time to go through it....(besides I don't want to feel that 'weak' feeling) being humbled in any form is like feeling like a bully has his hand on your head and is FORCING you to submit.....I don't deal well with submission in ANY form....It feels like I'm dying....comming into contact with your short commings and weaknesses is hard....which is why I try to be as 'detatched' as possible, but I find myself being thrown between my heart and head...thrown...that means made to feel to the bitter bottom of my soul, and head.....I feel that for some reason it's wrong to be 'chaotic' to 'break down'....all the forces that represent something 'ceasing'....I have to keep going....

I'm so sick of my emotions becuase THEY ARE ALWAYS ON MY MIND....I can't get a break from them...I know, they're screaming at me to resolve them, but I want to do it my way...I guess it all comes back to trusting someone with my heart, becuase I have a ROOT problem: and a lack of trust means, no love, and no love means MAJOR DYSFUNCTION...it's a need afterall...

To forgive is in essesnce to let go Bijou....and let bygones, be bygones....to let got is really hard for me....becuase I feel like I don't have control....it feels like I've lost or was defeated....you make a helluva lotta sense it's just...it's hard to explain with words ya know? Did you ever hold onto something even though it was so bitter that it 'shocked' you in a way?....Well I suppose I can't get enough of that damn bitter taste in my mouth....I can't understand, why I've held onto it for so long....it was a 'core lesson' it shocked me to my core, and nothing else in life has really phased me ever since...
I subconsciously put barriers around my self....I ripped myself away from my feelings becuase they kept causing me intolerable amounts of pain...I don't really 'know' how to deal with a constant source of pain without cutting it off: but I suppose I don't know how to 'deal' with things.....I feel my emotions are betraying me....opening my heart, and making me want for something that may bring pain...but you've explained this, I just have to FEEL the process....it's not enough to explain it....I've got to feel it working...

I often wonder: 'will they love me if they knew the real me?' that makes me squirm inside, and makes me act 'weird'....moody, agressive, secretive, plotting, and defensive....I love me, but I think I love the other person's love more, becuase.....maybe deep down inside, I don't want to be alone....damned Mercury in Libra!!

I feel like a child whenever I'm faced with dealing with my feelings, becuase it reminds me of the helplessness I felt as a kid, and the need for someone else to 'make it better' when life has taught me you can't rely on someone ELSE to make it better, which takes away the point of being in a relationship! lol sounds catch 22 don't it?! lol....I ALWAYS feel like a kid....like a kid with a buisness suite on....trying to be a 'adult' and I don't know a thing about it....this changes my perception of adults...makes me more tolerant to their ways....they're just kids too, but learn to deal with the world....makes me wonder if I ever really do deal with things....

lol...Of course you're helping! lol If you weren't I'd try to get to you from a different angle.....but you see where I'm comming from with no difficulty as far as I can see....It's just speaking with 'emotionally inclined' people that help 'harmonize' my contradicting nature...it 'centers' me and brings me closer to myself by merging these parts together.....it allows me to shine some light on the path to my soul, becuase of your experiences.....it gives me a 'reference' point to tell me that 'yes it happens to everyone on the path to themself....you're doing fine' Though I believe I am doing fine, it just knowing....that I can 'connect' to that feeling and reach others through it....makes life more complex, but fulfilling....You can't have joy without a little pain right?

I suppose getting off of myself, and getting to trust another can reverse this, but until that time, as for the immediate reality in reference to THIS very momment, I'll ask the universe for a sign....I'll tone down the impatience and let it come....I guess...

"Do you like being SUBJECT to something that is outside your control, and provides you with a constant source of discomfort?"

"I gave this person something EXCLUSIVE....a part of my soul....how do you recover that?"

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VE .. your struggle is a Virgo trait, all Virgos suffer this. So, don't feel alone in your plight, battle, to overcome.

It is hard for me to comprehend this, since I'm Piscean, for we don't look to the outside of us to validate how we are suppose to feel. However, I comprehend that this is present within you.

There is an attachment, a dependence on this person to whom you gave your soul, with an expectation for her to recieve this gift of yours within her heart, so you can feel worthy, and validated with your love. And your whole battle, just like all Virgos, is because you don't want to be dependent upon this to fight agaisnt it .. while fearing within your own weakness that you are dependent upon it. And it's not the shatterment of your heart that she didn't recieve that terrifies you, rather, the knowing that this weakness exists within you, no matter how hard you defy against it.

There's nothing wrong with you, VE .. you're not losing your mind or soul .. you are only denying yourself to yourself because it scars you. Being afraid of who we are, is bad .. but, it's a good thing if we embrace this, if we allow ourselves to have this awareness so we can evolve, and heal from it.

You are quite correct P:I'm not seeking validation, as I already know what is RIGHT or WRONG with this scenario....but that just goes with being an introvert, as most prefer to go along with their own voice on matters: However what I am seeking understanding to connect with a deeper aspect of my being from someone who has BEEN there....

I'm FIRMLY confident in my love and what a gift it is, which is why I'm so painstakingly selective with it....it is 'special' and should be spent on 'special' folk......sex for me isn't just about gettin' one off or it being so light...it's sharing a part of myself with another person...it's a feeling so intense(at least to me) that I loose all sense of objectivity, and thus for me, sex is equated with love because the feeling is so strong I WANT to love that person, not just love for my need but to intuitively feel that person's needs and what makes them them to get the 'truth' from them beyond the pretense of their words, I don't trust words....I don't lack confidence in my own voice, but I've never lived with an 'emotional person'...all the people I live with all lack substance, and depth, or the ability to connect with something deeper than their outer selves....It's quite frustrating being the only one with deeper feelings about things...

You are right about my being scared of myself and denying my weaknesses....I FEEL that I MUST be strong P I'm intolerable to my own weaknesses and vulnerabilities, becuase I feel I must be a gaurdian....I can't explain it....I need to have the power to change myself and not let anything affect me taking the power I hold over myself away....thus I don't want to see that weakness....who would come to my aide if I fell weak, and I needed for even a second? No one...becuase I've yet to meet someone who can understand my feelings....so I keep them under the surface out of awareness....but I do agree...fearing the self is bad, it's denying yourself life, and all the things promised in it....

Why do I hate showing my true colors to people?! I'm struggling with my very identity, and am trying to bring it together....I know adolesence is exactly what this time is for, but I feel nothing is enough to bring me peace of mind and acceptance of myself...so I try to detatch away from 'personal' matters becuase they bring me a myriad of questions that only deepen the void I already feel inside....

I believe that no one will come to my aid if I should need them, so I can't have needs or vulnerabilites....I am a rather skeptical that the universe does provide us with the answers to salve our pain, which affects my ability to trust that there is a 'guiding hand' out there that can give us aid....I'm spurred on to by the feeling of a need to be superior...This is becuase I can't be weak, or lacking in anyway....to lack means to never have your needs being met, and that means discomfort, or death....it's horrible being in the position of being the crying infant, and you NEED mother becuase you lack that ability to soothe yourself....

Is tha my problem? I don't know how to soothe myself as a result of 'callousing' myself?....That's why I'm trying to express my feelings, and forgive all those who trespassed against me, becuase I feel a large sense of vengeance building inside me....That makes me want to get even, and dominate them....It's so deep, and twisted feel like just casting a pebble into the abyss of my true feelings would be pointless...becuase there dosen't seem to be any bottom....

We all feel, VE ... we all at some point in time, need assistance to help us cope. And our assistance is in awareness that we are human, and have to live within the error of humanity.

From my perspective .. the strong person is the one who will allow themselves to let these feelings flow out, so that they can put them into proper perspective to heal. If they aren't put into perspective within knowing you ARE human, and will inherently "feel" these things, then you are left no other option except to suffer within your psyche with the torment of not addressing them.

You aren't above humanity, VE, and this is what you are fighting against without having the knowledge of how to do it ... which you will never win, VE. There's only one way to transcend above this while still breathing ... it's called Dharma.

You've had said several times in here over the past year that you are on a spiritual quest also .. have you tried to study Buddhism? Buddha taught people how to overcome this error in life in which we were born with .. the error being that we are fundamentally at odds with the way life really is. He taught people that our lives are a constant struggle because of this, and that we cannot find ultimate happiness or satisfaction in anything we experience = called Dukkha.

He taught us about Karma, which we all know exists ... however, karma is only a practice, a lesson to use to transform ourselves into having the ability to transcend above humanity, while still being human .. by reaching Dharma. Dharma is something that most people don't even know about because most only heard "karma" and attempted to apply it to their lives. karma isn't the aim .. it's the practice.

Dharma, VE .. if reached .. will allow you to live in this life, peacefully, without suffering from the very error in life in which you were born.

In Buddhism .. there is no god. A god only provides a source in which to lay your problems, and errors in life on .. so you can believe you have no accountiblity for this very error. Buddhism, and reaching Dharma, shows you how to reach a state of being, a consciousness, that goes beyond this material world, while still physically living in it. It is free from greed, hatred and ignorance .. and characterized by wisdom, compassion and freedom.

Try to investigate this and see if it will help you with the answers you seek. 🙂

hmmmm.....tempting tid-bits as usual P.....VERY tempting....I'll will take a deeper look into this. With any luck, I'll get above all this, and look back on all of it and have a nice long laugh.....there's no doubt in my mind at all that this is just 'spiritual material' for growth....Our lives are nothing without pain and I know that, which is why I feel a sense of 'peace/tolerance' with how it unfolds, I feel no malice towards the greater plan, and I don't take it personally at all becuase I understand what it's ultimately amounts to....

It's not that I feel that I'm above humanity at all.....but the stress of lacking something, is painful, becuase it means that I am ONLY human, and that I don't have the power to gain what I NEED....I can't be passive....becuase I feel that If I don't fight, my needs will never be met...

Honestly, being seized with such depraved feelings are really taking away from the higher quality that is MY life, and I feel THAT is the error of my life P: the fact that I haven't learned HOW to trancend my own pain and shortcommings.... These feelings are the ONLY things I've really had that had anchored me to this reality.....why did I hold onto them...? Could it be becuase I felt they we're better than the void? idk,perhaps it's becuase I feel a certain accountability (becuase I feel I'm a VICTIM, and when a person becomes a victim, they feel that they have no ability to affect their life, and feel so foolish for being so unaware and never knowing better or how to surmount the experience, but if we could do that, what would be the point of living, if we could edit every experience we ever had? *chuckles* and what makes me so special right? You just can't help wanting for something better)

....but what I HAVE TO ACCEPT is that it happened to bring me closer to myself....to understanding how I work, what I desire....everything...these wounds have in a way brought me identity....I'm struggling with letting people in and seeing my vulnerabilities, and weaknesses....I'm trying not to hold on so tightly to things, but I'm AFRAID....P, I don't know how to really take care of myself, and I don't know how to explain my needs to others....How can I trust my pain to another person and trust they'll understand, that I need things too? Yet irronically, I put on a perfect front, and no one ever knows....this protective cycle has become so useless....

I'd like to just grab someone but as I said P, I struggle with my vulnerabilities.

Basically, I promised myself that I'd NEVER be willingly placed in a situation where I'd have to wait, or trust, or adapt to something: I needed power, control, so I could surmount the need for the other to come to my aid.....other could always choose not to come, and that was my experience....

I'll try to explain it this way....In sex, you rely on your partner to aid in your orgasm....you've decided to share yourself with your partner, and now, you're in their hands....you've shown them your blue prints, and they know how you work....they can DESTROY you.....how do you deal with that overwhelming fact without becoming or feeling something in the way of paranoid?....You on one hand love the feeling that you can open up to someone from the depths of your being, and you can clear away all that used to disturb you, but a whole new set of fears set in....'Am I needy?' 'Can't I deal on my own?' You begin to question your identity, and your place in the relationship, and so as to gain 'personal security' you fight, and isolate yourself to reclaim your original idea of yourself....your identity....

What I'm trying to say is that....how (metaphorically) can I trust my orgasm(my deepest, darkest secrets) to another human? I've never seen love work before, and I'm still optimistic that it can....I'm afraid if I show even the slightest bit of weakness, I'll be abandoned...and I hate that feeling of being 'out of control'/vulnerable....and susceptible to the other person....I want to express my feelings, but I'm angry at the possiblity that they may reject me....

I just....I'm confused, and I don't know what I need....I need a drink....or sleep....gawd so much gnawing at me....I'm gonna stop whining now...

i felt like that with a pisces and thats my opposite sign

Im not gonna lie, we all get down, but you sound sorry. Do yourself a favor and grab your cojones man and go about your buisness.

Hey Virgoexalted,

I saw your post and just had to comment because I feel for you man. I'm 30, and I have learned some strategies to handling that crushing pain that I think the fish carries so well.

Where to begin... well, my first true love I suppose. I had met her my junior year, but timing never let us get together as a couple. We were both either dating other people or whatever... the day I graduated I told her "you know I've had a crush on you since I met you..." And she said "I know...I've been in love with you too" It was a heartbreakingly sweet moment. We kissed on my balcony in the summer breeze (meanwhile her boyfriend was in my house at the time partying with my friends lol).

Anyway, her relationship with that guy fell apart and so even though I had graduated I absolutely had to make a go of things with her. I did as you said - threw myself 110% into the relationship. Looking back on things I realize now that I basically suffocated her from afar with my like absolute need for constant reassurance... blah. I don't know. I loved her hard. Anyway, we kept at it for 2+ years. Then she graduated and that was it...I never saw her again. We broke up soon after...

Then I found out she had already hooked up with another guy...a guy that I didn't care for. And rumors began trickling my way that she had been cheating on me with him. It made sense to me. She was rather cold to me in the last few months of the relationship. And I was crushed. Like, so crushed I could barely function.

I carried that pain for a full year. I was constantly drunk. A wreck at work...mixing in with a bad crowd of stoners and other more unpleasant drugs. But I DID find my way, and have learned that this deep pain we feel is just the dark side of the fish. We ARE capable of the deepest, purest form of love. We aren't the last sign of the chart for anything my friend. 🙂

The pain a Pisces can carry has long been written about, and Starfish is right. The best solution is a spiritual answer. When you feel like you are dying inside you need to learn to give it up and let it go, trust in something mightier than yourself. I've learned that meditating purposefully works very well. Like, before I start I say "I am going to release the pain from ______" (whoever or whatever it may be). Then I just focus on breathing.

The serenity prayer works great as well... 🙂 But you have to believe it, not just recite it.

Life is too good to

(cont)

Life is too good to be wasted lugging around old pain, we have to acknowledge it and move through it.

I know this may all come off as a little kooky, but I swear it works, you don't have to feel this way.

And I suppose you could look into other conventional methods such as anti-depressants if you find that your sadness is really preventing you from functioning in life.

I feel for you man, because I have been there. Arg, I even like ache because it brings up my own old pains. I guess we never totally let it go, but it becomes part of us, molding us into a new person as we move on in life. But we live and we learn.

I wish you well.